A MM's story - really resonated with me

[sandylee1]

Thanks Sandylee...for taking the time to post and for your advice. He's just so selfish, I think that's my pervading thought.

 

Affirmation from who?

 

Your welcome.

 

Affirmation and validation from him. It's like you need him to tell you he loves you and loves you more.

[sandylee1]

Hey.. I'm pleased about your date. Have all the fun you can with the single guy.

 

Your MM realises he's a crap father.....being with you while his child was ill. He should feel guilty and he should see the reality of what he's doing.

 

This is where affairs make people bad parents, because cheaters are so consumed in wanting to see their AP and getting their extra on the side.

 

You really need to get to the point of NC and leave him in the past.

[jenkins95]

Your MM realises he's a crap father.....being with you while his child was ill. He should feel guilty and he should see the reality of what he's doing.

 

This is where affairs make people bad parents, because cheaters are so consumed in wanting to see their AP and getting their extra on the side.

 

Yes, guilty as charged here. At the height of the affair, even when I was with my kids, I wasn't truly WITH them. One painful memory that often nags me is when my young son was trying to show me some painting he'd done. I was trying to show interest, but it was obvious that I want fully there - I was in the middle of a message exchange with OW at the time. With such disappointment, my son said "Why are you always on your phone Dad?" then he left the room hanging his head. Yep, that's a memory I'm not proud of.

 

Serendipity, I'd love to see you move on from this guy. I know how difficult it is to make that break, but I also know how much freer and happier you'll be once you get him out of your life. Good luck x

[jah526]

He's told me I've been rude and dismissive (I said I felt he'd said what he said to get back into my good books and I felt used, pushed away and inconvenient after we'd met up and felt it was in stark contrast to all the "I love you so desperately it's unhealthy" talk of the week before). He said I was self-centred and mean. Said until I'm ready to apologise for my very poor behaviour he didn't feel there was anything else for him to say. If/when I apologise then we can have a conversation.

 

Another way to keep you on the hook. Turn things around and make you the bad guy, so you'll come back and apologize. This isn't someone who is ever, ever, ever going to take responsibility for his behavior, and the sooner you realize that it's all a giant mind****, the better off you'll be.

[sandylee1]

The absolute hypocrisy of this is astounding

 

He said I was self-centred and mean. Said until I'm ready to apologise for my very poor behaviour he didn't feel there was anything else for him to say. If/when I apologise then we can have a conversation

 

What this means is..... "know your place as my OW. Don't you dare question me and get me to give more than I'm willing to. Accept that you have a role in my life and be grateful for what time I can spare you."

 

He knows you like /love him or you wouldn't be happy to be a secret and have so little, so if he can tell you off and have you feeling bad to the point of you apologising, then you'll accept a lower percentage of the already raw deal you have with him.

 

He wants you to bow your head and be grateful for the honour of being his OW.

 

I'll say it again.... You're worth more and you deserve more. You just need to believe that.

 

You can get yourself a really decent man and in time have a family unit of your own if you want.

[Hbroken]

how are things going serendipity? We haven't heard from you for a little while..are you ok?

[Serendipity55]

Hi,

 

Thanks for asking. I'm OK, still putting one foot in front of the other. MM has been ill (hospital ill) but is OK now. His W has been ill too but he's still asking to see me.

 

He's said he won't be having anymore children whilst he's this much in love with me because not fully invested. He said he can't promise he won't ever sleep with W again but he hasn't for 10 months.

 

I feel like I'm starting to care less about what he says and hope less for a future with him. But I am still hoping I guess, still in love with him. It's really hard. When he told me he was ill I was so worried.

[Serendipity55]

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Edited August 27, 2017 by Serendipity55

[sandylee1]

Hi,

 

Thanks for asking. I'm OK, still putting one foot in front of the other. MM has been ill (hospital ill) but is OK now. His W has been ill too but he's still asking to see me.

 

He's said he won't be having anymore children whilst he's this much in love with me because not fully invested. He said he can't promise he won't ever sleep with W again but he hasn't for 10 months.

 

I feel like I'm starting to care less about what he says and hope less for a future with him. But I am still hoping I guess, still in love with him. It's really hard. When he told me he was ill I was so worried.

 

If he left his wife tomorrow, do you really see him being a faithful partner to you? Considering how he's cheated on her and neglected his children.

[BaileyB]

It would be a good thing for all involved if he didn't have any more children with his wife.

 

I wish you well Serendipity.

[wmacbride]

op,

there are some people who seem well suited to be an ow. That doesn't sound like you. It really sounds like part of you is trying to convince yourself that you are okay, he has excuses for hurting you, etc.

 

Don't give in to that. You are worth far more than he's giving you. His wife is worth far more than he's given her, and the same is true for their children.

 

Think of it this way. He and his wife have a new baby. As a parent, you know yourself how precious and fleeting those moments with a new baby can be. He's choosing to sully that by chasing after you and doing his best to keep you off balance.

 

If you weren't involved with him,and it was your best friend he was treating this way, what would you tell her? Would you tell her to move on or to stay and keep being his "side dish" ( I'm nor trying to insult you by that...it just says something about the way he treats you)

[Serendipity55]

I know I have brought all of this on myself but beginning an affair with a MM but today is hard...it's his wedding anniversary and my birthday. I know his M is a sham (in that he's not invested in it fully) but it hurts imagining what's going on. I know I have no right to begrudge it and shouldn't think of it but it is hurtful.

[BaileyB]

Happy birthday!

 

Perhaps you can do something fun today wih your daughter to distract you.

Just sending best wishes...

[Doublegold]

Happy Birthday Serendipity. I am sorry you are hurting today. This is your day, don't let the joy get sucked out of it for reasons you can't control. Especially a day marking a hollow Anniversary.

 

Go celebrate you! Do something special with your daughter.

 

Take Care.

[Serendipity55]

So...MM told me a while ago he was having building work done on his home. He's having an extension now he's got two kids.

 

He has told me today it's due to start soon. Together with his family, he is moving further away from where I live. For about 5 months. He said it means he can't spend as much time with me. I told him I don't want to settle for less crumbs.

 

It's annoyed me but not sure why.

[Serendipity55]

Just feel it's arrogant to say "hey going to give you even less of me but you're cool with that because remember, I love you more after all".

 

I am so angry.

 

I know what I have to do. Block him. Move on. I will. I think this is my tipping point.

 

When I calm down I will consider telling his W. She needs to know who he is. I have screenshots of our conversations. As a lawyer I always keep evidence of everything.

 

I am just so p*ssed off.

[BaileyB]

Just feel it's arrogant to say "hey going to give you even less of me but you're cool with that because remember, I love you more after all".

 

I am so angry.

 

I know what I have to do. Block him. Move on. I will. I think this is my tipping point.

 

When I calm down I will consider telling his W. She needs to know who he is. I have screenshots of our conversations. As a lawyer I always keep evidence of everything.

 

I am just so p*ssed off.

 

Rightfully so. You should never settle for crumbs... You deserve the whole cake!

 

He has chosen his family. You are not a priority to him anymore.

 

I would tell his wife. It will end it, which is something you are having a hard time doing. And, she deserves to know what kind of a man her husband is... If you were a young mother with two small children building a new house and dreaming of the future with a man who is chasing another woman the whole time - would you not want to know this crutial piece of information. What she chooses to do with it, is her decision. But, she should have the information.

[Maddieandtae]

I understand you are angry, I would caution you though to calm down before telling the married man's wife.

 

Afterall you weren't going to tell her while you were feeling happy with her husband. Don't get me wrong, I think his wife needs to know there is a third person in her marriage.

 

Talk to a counselor first to figure you out, you aren't in the headspace to see which way is up or down right now.

 

This married man has you all twisted up in angry and bitterness:(

[Serendipity55]

He argues I am a priority because he's spent last two nights with me - taking me for dinner and drinks on consecutive evenings for my birthday. He told his W he was working late.

 

I know I am not, he did that because he wanted to. So he's choosing to be with me when he should be at home.

[Serendipity55]

BaileyB - have I ever been a priority to him? He thinks because he told me he loves me more and he's spent time with me rather than at home it means I am. I don't share that view. He's his priority, not his family. Not me. Is my view.

[sandylee1]

What's your motivation for telling his wife? Because he's moving away and won't be able to see you less? This is what I don't understand about OWs, he never said he'd leave her and you have to realise that you are going to get very little and even less of his time, being a MM with a young family.

 

 

Why not just end the affair and leave them to their marriage. or is it because you cannot end this of your own volition?

 

 

You have a respectable career and a daughter to focus on. Just cut him out of your life and find someone else when you're ready.

 

 

Contacting her shows that you give a damn ... best let him bugger off and leave you in peace..... blocking him every which way Don't let him know he occupies space in your head. You'll only end up even more angry and resentful when you see them reconciling.

[somanymistakes]

Nothing wrong with telling the wife if you think it will help you break off completely. She deserves to know, and if it DOES help you feel stronger, then it is helpful.

 

But if you do tell, be sure you can walk away and that you aren't hanging around to watch and see how she reacts. If you're subconsciously hoping to see her suffer, or him suffer, or hoping that they'll break up, you will probably end up feeling worse.

 

Only tell if it will make you less obsessed with his situation rather than more.

 

He doesn't care enough about you, IMO. He only wants you on his terms, when it's convenient for him, it seems like. He likes getting everything he wants, doesn't he? But he will not make you a priority. It seems like he's always going to let you down.

 

You deserve to be happier.

[BaileyB]

BaileyB - have I ever been a priority to him? He thinks because he told me he loves me more and he's spent time with me rather than at home it means I am. I don't share that view. He's his priority, not his family. Not me. Is my view.

 

Well no, I don't think you've ever been a priority to him, which is what we've been saying all along... you are now just starting to see this because for the longest time, he could sway you by throwing out breadcrumbs like "I love you more..."

 

With all due respect, you are trying to walk away from this relationship - what are you doing dear girl spending the last two nights with him? Why?

 

Look, if you need to tell him to end it once and for all, then do it. His wife deserves to know she's married to an ***, but she may well decide to stay with him anyway so you have to wonder then if it's worth it. You share some common friends, you have a professional career - if you think that telling her and having this news become public will hurt your reputation or your career, I would just walk away and focus on your daughter.

 

Either way, you deserve SO MUCH more than this. Don't ever think otherwise...

[Serendipity55]

Thank you for advice.

 

I think you're all right - I should only disclose if it's going to make me feel better. Telling her for her is a disingenuous thing to say / do because clearly if I cared about her I wouldn't have had an affair with her husband.

 

So if I disclose, it has to be for me. Somanymistakes made a really interesting point - will telling set me free? Well yes, in some ways, he's said he'll never speak to me again because "it's a betrayal of the trust we share" (his words) but he could never hate me. So does this mean that after his anger dies down he'd chase again? I don't know. I do know he'd do what he wanted, what his wife told him to do would have no effect. He clearly has no respect for her.

 

However, I think a part of me would definitely want to know what happened in the aftermath. I would want him to suffer some loss. I don't think it's fair that he takes from her, from me and never gives either of us enough. He uses us both to fulfil his needs.

 

Obviously, we don't know what would happen in the aftermath and I probably would have to rely on our mutual friend for any information. I am purposefully not connected to him via any social media so I would have no idea whether they'd split or reconciled. I think that would cause me more distress...but not sure why?

 

Although we never can know how someone would react to the news their husband of one year has been having an affair to the majority of that time and throughout the pregnancy of their second child - given her situation (two young children, building work about to begin on their home, etc) I imagine she'd forgive him. Also he told me that a friend of hers (the wife) had an affair and it came out and her BS forgave her - they're still together although he said their relationship is obviously an unhappy one at the moment.

 

So his loss would likely be an unhappy relationship in the short-term but long-term he could walk away with a stronger marriage and that also seems unfair to me. I know that sounds very bitter but the thought of him somehow gaining from this misery is hard to take.

 

Even if she left him - it would hurt her children. I know they're young but I am sure they'd be affected. It would hurt him too but is the 'collateral damage' too great?

 

I think the thing I struggle with is not knowing what is going to happen. If I tell, I want to know the outcome of the disclosure. If I don't tell, I feel he's getting away with everything and that makes me angry.

 

He told me he feels guilty - about hurting me and hurting his family even though they don't know. He said he loves me more but he wants to stay with his wife. Opposing statements - he just won't accept that they are.

 

I wonder why his W hasn't suspected anything...I am very perceptive so I think I would suspect. Although I suppose he's got a good cover (working late, which is plausible for him as he works at a big law firm) and she's distracted by her young children.

[Serendipity55]

In addition...I also feel my feelings for him are turning from 'lust' to anger. Last time I saw him, although he had prioritised me over going home to his family (which I guess is an action showing where he wanted to be, who was the priority then - not his W) I felt pretty flat in his company, bored, he hadn't made an effort really (he had been working all day but was sweaty and didn't smell particularly attractive - a very minor issue but considering I'd made a massive effort I felt there was an imbalance), felt sex was a bit unexciting, etc.

 

Now maybe that's the honeymoon period ending and the relationship is in a more 'normal' phase now but all of those things combined with how I know he doesn't love me enough or to the extent anyone deserves to be made me think 'what am I getting from this? He's getting everything he wants - but I'm not getting anything really'.

 

Also, he keeps telling me how he hasn't slept with his W since we started sleeping together because he can't compartmentalise. I wonder if that's true? Mainly partly true but also she's been pregnant for last 9 months and now is only 7 weeks postpartum. She probably doesn't want to either. He says she does and questions have been asked about lack of sex.

 

He also said he'll have no more children with her whilst he's in love with me because he's not fully invested. He's said the extension is mainly happening now for practical reasons (they do need the room) and investment reasons. I know it's not my concern but I suppose it makes me cross that he's happily moving forward with his life whilst his W remains in the dark and lied to and I although I'm loved more (allegedly) I'm not good enough to be moved into his real life.

 

Not that I would want to be I should add because I know if we were together he'd spend his time trying to get back together with her or at least sleeping with her or someone else behind my back - he says he feels guilty doing what he's doing but how can he really when he continues?

 

This is a poorly written post - I apologise. I'm just dumping my thoughts because they're jumbled at the moment.

 

Apart from the fact I feel very angry.