A MM's story - really resonated with me

[Serendipity55]

I'm also aware that my behaviour is not good - having an affair with someone else's man but...I know that, so please don't lambast me for that. I do think cheating is binary - you shouldn't do it. I am not trying to absolve myself. Maybe I deserve this anger and hurt because of what I've done.

[Serendipity55]

I think I also feel there's a clock ticking on my decision to disclose or not. They're moving into temporary accommodation soon for five months - so I won't be able to contact her to let her know. I don't have her number and I feel if I told her I'd need to send some evidence so he couldn't deny it all.

 

Fact he has said "well I think everything happens for a reason (if I told) but I'd never forgive you if you told her (because I'd lose my kids and you'd destroy the trust in our relationship too)" makes me feel more angry and sways me in the direction of telling her.

 

Part of me wants to tell to be free of it all and so he'll suffer / feel some real consequences. However, another part of me knows the dignified and more powerful thing to do is to walk away and let her live in ignorance. I just want to know which option will make me feel better and therefore is best for my daughter. I need a crystal ball as without it I'm making decisions with no idea of the outcome.

 

The decision to blow up his lies is a massive one - because it'll hurt people and because I don't know the implications really. I just want him to feel some pain I guess, which is vengeful and wrong but it's how I am feeling in this moment.

[BaileyB]

He's in a real bind... He won't leave his wife to be with you, but he won't have sex with his wife along as he is with you... What is a man supposed to do?

 

Sending best wishes to you this morning Sendipity, as you process all these feelings and make your decision. And although I understand your reason for wanting to tell his wife only to watch him suffer the consequences... this is the worst reason of all to tell her. Besides, she may not leave him and the consequences may not look like you would think or expect.

 

If you tell her, do it because it is the right thing to do and because it will help you to move forward to a healthy, happy life.

[Serendipity55]

I know we've covered this ground before but I can't understand how he can say he loves his W and stays for her when he's having an affair and has told me that if there weren't any children he'd leave her and be honest about me.

 

I feel those are opposing views. He maintains he doesn't just stay for his children but for her too. But then also says if he didn't have children he'd leave her because he wouldn't have ties - so wouldn't stay for her.

 

He's also said I'm as special to him as his W but then says if he felt how he does now he wouldn't have married her.

 

Also says me, her and another woman are the three great loves of his life. He used to say only his W was the 'love of his life' (as you'd hope and expect a husband to say) but now it's also that I am a love of his life.

 

I told him his statements are inconsistent and he just said I was using words to twist things and that I am abusive towards him because I push his buttons.

 

I can honestly say that I have not said things to push buttons - I have said he doesn't respect his W or marriage because they're facts. He said "I know they're facts but you don't have to wickedly point them out".

 

Please can someone help me make sense of why he can't see how inconsistent his words are?

 

Also, he said to me "the extension is for the good of my family and I always put the welfare of my kids above anything else"...how can he say such things and not hear the hypocrisy dripping from them?? I just don't understand.

 

His actions recently (which we know speak louder) have been to prioritise seeing me rather than going home to his family. He then tells me how when he gets home, sees how he was needed there and then feels terribly guilty about being with me. He also says he feels terribly guilty about not giving me what I deserve.

 

Last week he spent time video-calling me when at home, looking after newborn. His wife has had an infection and been ill. I think he justifies himself because he is there physically and doing things for his family, ostensibly being this great family man he wants everyone to think he is. But emotionally, where is he? Can he be there? Is he reliable?

 

When I point these things out he lashes out and tells me I am nasty. I think he does that because he know it'll hurt me, being called 'nasty'.

 

In a way, I wish she'd just find out herself and make her decisions that way. But although he has all my messages on his phone (he's shown me) and she has access to his phone, he stays out late, doesn't answer his phone when she calls, calls me when she's upstairs in their tiny house (so feasibly she could hear him) she seemingly suspects nothing and asks no questions. If she was suspicious I am under no illusion he'd dump me super fast!

[BaileyB]

He stays because he wants to stay.

 

Men who cheat on their wives, lie. You really shouldn't be surprised that he's lying to you - about the fact that he is not having sex with his wife, or that he loves you more. I'm sorry to be cynical, I know you want to believe this man and I do believe that he has affection for you, but he's probably lying...

 

Why, do you want to stay with a man who calls you "nasty"... That's very unloving and completely unacceptable...

[BaileyB]

Affairs are by their very nature, full of inconsistencies... The fact that a man can vow to love a woman forever, foreseeing all others, and pledge to build a home, and a family, and a life with this woman...

 

And then seek sex from another woman is... that's an inconsistency. It makes no sense. People often do things that are inconsistent - sometimes, there is no good explanation for these things.

Edited September 6, 2017 by BaileyB

[anika99]

I know we've covered this ground before but I can't understand how he can say he loves his W and stays for her when he's having an affair and has told me that if there weren't any children he'd leave her and be honest about me.

 

I feel those are opposing views. He maintains he doesn't just stay for his children but for her too. But then also says if he didn't have children he'd leave her because he wouldn't have ties - so wouldn't stay for her.

 

He's also said I'm as special to him as his W but then says if he felt how he does now he wouldn't have married her.

 

Also says me, her and another woman are the three great loves of his life. He used to say only his W was the 'love of his life' (as you'd hope and expect a husband to say) but now it's also that I am a love of his life.

 

I told him his statements are inconsistent and he just said I was using words to twist things and that I am abusive towards him because I push his buttons.

 

I can honestly say that I have not said things to push buttons - I have said he doesn't respect his W or marriage because they're facts. He said "I know they're facts but you don't have to wickedly point them out".

 

Please can someone help me make sense of why he can't see how inconsistent his words are?

 

Also, he said to me "the extension is for the good of my family and I always put the welfare of my kids above anything else"...how can he say such things and not hear the hypocrisy dripping from them?? I just don't understand.

 

His actions recently (which we know speak louder) have been to prioritise seeing me rather than going home to his family. He then tells me how when he gets home, sees how he was needed there and then feels terribly guilty about being with me. He also says he feels terribly guilty about not giving me what I deserve.

 

Last week he spent time video-calling me when at home, looking after newborn. His wife has had an infection and been ill. I think he justifies himself because he is there physically and doing things for his family, ostensibly being this great family man he wants everyone to think he is. But emotionally, where is he? Can he be there? Is he reliable?

 

When I point these things out he lashes out and tells me I am nasty. I think he does that because he know it'll hurt me, being called 'nasty'.

 

In a way, I wish she'd just find out herself and make her decisions that way. But although he has all my messages on his phone (he's shown me) and she has access to his phone, he stays out late, doesn't answer his phone when she calls, calls me when she's upstairs in their tiny house (so feasibly she could hear him) she seemingly suspects nothing and asks no questions. If she was suspicious I am under no illusion he'd dump me super fast!

 

 

But isn't it rather hypocritical for you to keep pointing out how awful he is for cheating when you're the one helping him cheat? It like giving someone drugs and then saying "you're a loser because you do drugs....here, have some more drugs". Your MM is being a hideous human being and you're aiding and abetting him.

[elaine567]

All those inconsistencies are very easy to understand when you realise and accept he is lying. He knows they are nonsense, he doesn't need you to point them out, so I am not sure why you keep on torturing yourself trying to "understand", nor to waste time getting him to "understand".

 

There is no confusion here, nothing not to understand.

YOU just do not want to understand as truly understanding will blow up this affair, and frankly you do not want to do that, do you?

 

He is juggling both women in the air and saying anything to maintain the status quo. The only logic here is his self preservation.

Every time you question his lies or his integrity, he lashes out and suddenly it is you who is the nasty one, the abuser... Classic misdirection.

I guess he has done the same to his wife, she suspects nothing as he has "persuaded" her that he is honest and true and would NEVER betray her trust.

Each time she questions, he no doubt counters with the same nonsense he doles out to you... a heady mix of love, guilt tripping and abuse... whatever he thinks may "work" at the time.

[BaileyB]

How are you doing Serendipity?

 

You were thinking about a lot of different things this week. Hope you have a better weekend...

[sandylee1]

I have to agree that you're equally hypocritical here.

 

You will never know what happens if you tell her and how dare he disclose her medical issues to you. That's awful, yet this is the man you love.

 

You are still hung up a bit on him loving you more.

 

You are trying to seek answers and make sense of it. Quite simply, he likes you both. He gets you both and you can be his beautiful fantasy.

 

Don't be saying anything like she should suspect. She's just had a baby and has a toddler. Remember back to when you had your baby.... she think he loves her. They are getting a bigger home done ... they aren't the actions of a man who isn't committed to the marriage. She's probably sleep deprived, yet you mention her being clueless and that's not really fair.

 

Think of all the women married to serial killers... they didn't suspect, because he was steps ahead.

 

Then think about your professional reputation. It's no glory being the OW. People will question how you being a mother could cheat with A MM whose wife was pregnant.

 

You will come off a lot worse because, as usual 'He's a man'. Don't open Pandora's box here, because it could backfire terribly.

 

Be dignified and walk away. Affairs should be fun and exciting. This one is filed with stress. What's the point? What's your end game?

[jenkins95]

Hi (((Serendipity)))

 

I really am sorry to read that you are going through hell at the moment. I would like to wish you Happy Birthday for the other day, even though I’m sure it’s not really been one of your happiest birthdays. You will have better ones – nothing is surer. You will look back to these days with disbelief and be so glad that you are now past this. But you have to negotiate all this first! And you will!

 

I’ve just read the recent updates and have picked a few things out from what posters have been saying...

 

He argues I am a priority because he's spent last two nights with me - taking me for dinner and drinks on consecutive evenings for my birthday. He told his W he was working late.

Rolling my eyes. This guy has read the cheater manual (I used to follow it myself).

 

He thinks because he told me he loves me more and he's spent time with me rather than at home it means I am. I don't share that view. He's his priority, not his family. Not me. Is my view.

Bingo! You’ve got it – his only priority is himself!

 

He doesn't care enough about you, IMO. He only wants you on his terms, when it's convenient for him, it seems like. He likes getting everything he wants, doesn't he? But he will not make you a priority. It seems like he's always going to let you down.

You deserve to be happier.

I Agree 100% with this

 

Also, he keeps telling me how he hasn't slept with his W since we started sleeping together because he can't compartmentalise. I wonder if that's true?

Probably complete bull**** S. This is cheater 101 – again, I know that script very well myself

 

Well no, I don't think you've ever been a priority to him, which is what we've been saying all along... you are now just starting to see this because for the longest time, he could sway you by throwing out breadcrumbs like "I love you more..."

Yes. Again, his only priority is clearly just him.

 

He also said he'll have no more children with her whilst he's in love with me because he's not fully invested.

How noble! What a hero he is! Such a man of principle! Sorry for the sarcasm Serendipity, but this one had me reaching for the sick bag.

 

All of the above absolutely screams out to me that you should dump his sorry a$$ and move on with your life. Now. You are lovely, you don’t need this, you don’t need him. You have so much potential and this is stifling you so much. It is clear as day to us as outside observers but I totally get it that as your heart is in so deep and that you are so invested, it is so hard to break away. He is unquestionably a coward who will happily lie to both sides to protect his a$$ and cake eat. I see it because I recognise it in myself when I was cheating. I am a very different person now, but cheating twisted me as it is twisting him.

 

As for the idea of telling his wife, I tend to agree with this: -

 

What's your motivation for telling his wife? Because he's moving away and won't be able to see you less? This is what I don't understand about OWs, he never said he'd leave her and you have to realise that you are going to get very little and even less of his time, being a MM with a young family.

Why not just end the affair and leave them to their marriage. or is it because you cannot end this of your own volition?

You have a respectable career and a daughter to focus on. Just cut him out of your life and find someone else when you're ready.

 

The issue of the OW telling the wife is a very hotly contested one and tends to bring out extreme opinions. Now, as a former cheater, the last thing I can really do is take the moral high ground in my posts. However, I do see the irony in an OW, who was quite happy to participate in and keep the MMs secrets from his wife when it suited her, suddenly turning all principled and telling the wife because “she deserves to know”. It doesn’t wash with me and I don’t think it is the OW's place to tell the wife in most circumstances. I don’t say that she doesn’t deserve to know, but that it should not come from you. I think you are touching on that here, and I applaud you: -

 

I think you're all right - I should only disclose if it's going to make me feel better. Telling her for her is a disingenuous thing to say / do because clearly if I cared about her I wouldn't have had an affair with her husband.

 

My own feeling is that you should dump him and go cold on him forever without telling the wife. If you do tell her, make sure you have the stomach for a fight. It could get very nasty and you could get dragged into it. I would not recommend risking unleashing that kind of stress and nastiness onto yourself and, by extension your daughter. Just walk away…and find freedom through yourself and through complete and permanent separation from his toxicity.

 

I find this quote from you very encouraging. You are already seeing faults in him and if you take the plunge, I think you will recover quicker than many OWs who still see no wrong in the MM: -

 

In addition...I also feel my feelings for him are turning from 'lust' to anger………..I felt pretty flat in his company, bored, he hadn't made an effort really………felt sex was a bit unexciting, etc.

Now maybe that's the honeymoon period ending and the relationship is in a more 'normal' phase now but all of those things combined with how I know he doesn't love me enough or to the extent anyone deserves to be made me think 'what am I getting from this? He's getting everything he wants - but I'm not getting anything really'.

 

Good luck Serendipity. Little bit of tough love because I hate to see a great person’s life being wasted like this. Be strong and the world can be your oyster. No question.

 

We are here. Keep posting.

Edited September 8, 2017 by jenkins95

[BaileyB]

How are you doing Serendipity?

[BaileyB]

Serendipity, are you still here. Please let us know how you are doing...

[Serendipity55]

Hi,

 

Hope you're all well my love LS friends.

 

I am still here. I've been away for a while. Being away, I think, gave me some fresh perspective on things. I met new people and felt that I have options again. I returned home feeling energised and happy. I felt like I was worth more than him and that I don't need his 'love'.

 

Then I saw him. I am sad because I really hoped I'd see him and feel nothing but instead I felt a swell of anger (when he said him and his wife are now arguing constantly but he's made a commitment blah blah and although his older child has picked up on the arguing and says "daddy stop" or "mummy stop" he's staying put - obviously) and then the tears were about to come (when he said he'd be gutted if I meet someone new but also happy for me) so I bolted out of the bar and just told him, with a painted smile on my face, I had to go.

 

So I'm not healed or better at all and I'm really very disappointed. I think I just want to almost flip a switch and then magically feel better and have him out of my heart but I know that's perhaps unrealistic and it'll take longer than 5 weeks.

 

Just feeling pretty low today. Silly really as I knew nothing would have changed his end - I knew he'd moan about how hard his life is at home but he'll never leave because he doesn't want to. It's easy to moan about it but harder to do anything about it. Bottom line is he's clearly happy to stay.

 

However, I did think things might have shifted for me. I guess I'm being a little harsh on myself because they have a little - I felt strong enough to tell him to cut all the BS i.e.'I stay because I've made a commitment and it's the right thing to do' fib (to his face) and I rejected his attempts to touch me. Maybe I should focus on those small victories and not be so hard on myself for almost crying. I just don't know why I can't just be stronger around him. It's almost like when I'm in his presence I just literally collapse and the tears are welling up almost immediately. I feel angry and then I feel like all I want to do is be held by him. I am also hormonal at the moment so maybe that's part of it.

 

As an aside, I also bought him and I really good tickets to see this show next week. I bought them for his birthday earlier this year. I don't want to not go and I can't take his present away from him. So I'm torn. Argh.

[elaine567]

As an aside, I also bought him and I really good tickets to see this show next week. I bought them for his birthday earlier this year.

 

I don't want to not go and I can't take his present away from him.

So I'm torn. Argh.

 

Is this a joke?

Are you being serious?

[BTDT2012]

Hi,

 

 

 

As an aside, I also bought him and I really good tickets to see this show next week. I bought them for his birthday earlier this year. I don't want to not go and I can't take his present away from him. So I'm torn. Argh.

 

Surely you jest. Unless he physically has the ticket, you certainly can take it form him. You owe him nothing.

[kittencupcake]

 

As an aside, I also bought him and I really good tickets to see this show next week. I bought them for his birthday earlier this year. I don't want to not go and I can't take his present away from him. So I'm torn. Argh.

 

If you don't want to take his present away from him, why not just let him just have both tickets so he can take someone else?

[DKT3]

Being in a different space means actually being in a different space. You took your trip, felt better about yourself there and once you got back....until you engaged him. Doesn't take "rocket science" to figure out what needs to change.

 

As long as you engage you will remain stuck here, in this place.

 

"His present"? If you haven't given it to him they are your tickets. Screw him you don't owe him any presents or even your time and energy.

Edited October 13, 2017 by DKT3