Husband told me he loves me but thinks he's also in love with another woman

[Leolady]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and were just married in September. In full disclosure he was married when we met. He, and all his family and friends, always talk about how unhappy he was before he met me. Anyway. We've had a great relationship except I have had some issues having sex for the past year due to hormonal issues. After a lot of treatment that is finally getting better. The past week my husband has seemed distant. He finally told me he was unhappy sexually. That he's bored and dissatisfied. That he's into kinkier sex than I am. And then that hrs been talking to an old high school friend that he was in love with 20 years ago and all his feelings for her came back. He admits that he is considering leaving me for her because he's always wondered what it would be like with her. But he says he's still in love with me so he's torn. He's now openly texting and talking to her. He wants to spend time with her to see how it would be but won't ask me for that. When we're together he's sweet and living and attentive but then he's distracted and wants to talk to her. I'm heartbroken. I can't eat. I imagine us growing old together. I feel like this is what he did to his ex with me and now my biggest fear is coming true. He had a terrible childhood and I see a pattern of him needing to fill some void. He has gotten fixated on other people before (male and female) in the desire to save them. And he says this woman is having some hard times but this is more. Ugh. I have actually researched open relationships. I'll do anything to save this. I love him so much.

[JHandy]

He's a jerk. But beyond that here's what you need to do.

 

For starters, communication is horrible between you both. He's not telling you what he likes nor are you.

 

At least he's being honest. But he cannot love her and be married to you.

 

If you want him, go to an adult novelty shop and buy two sets of cards of sexual activities.

 

Both of you set on your bed in sexy clothing and with some wine, and go through the cards making piles of won't do, will do, really want to do, fantasy only or whatever. Make your piles secret.

 

Then let the other see your sets of cards.

 

You can see where the other is at and I suspect you both will be pleasantly surprised with what th other has.

 

If you aren't adventurous, start being so.

 

Just some thoughts.

[JHandy]

Just to add a few more thoughts.

 

Being married, you have the right to first refusal to his kink so to speak.

 

Any sexual experience has to be shared between you both.

 

He cannot have an affair of any kind with another person.

 

There is no such thing as a hall pass.

 

You need to let him know he has to cut it off with this woman - unless he wants to share her with you. (Just joking - sorry)

 

There's a lot of silver linings here. Just open up with each other. But also be firm with him about your expectations.

[l8estnews]

This person can't connect emotionally for long. This is mental sickness already. I hope you find it in you to move on as I can definitely sense that more pain is coming your way.

[elaine567]

Handing him sex on a plate or opening up your marriage is not going to help, it is just rewarding bad behaviour on his part. HE may be happier, but YOU will be sacrificing yourself and for what?

Loving a man who always wants other women is a hopeless endeavour.

 

YOU "won" him away from his wife and so this women or some other will "win" him away from you.

 

He was never a man to be trusted and he has just reverted to type.

If you truly want to be happy, leave or show him the door, whatever is most appropriate.

Get a divorce and find yourself a better man.

[BaileyB]

I would be packing his bags and sending him out the door... in fact, I would even call her up and tell her to expect him.

 

No way, would I consider an open marriage. This guy is a serial cheat and you would be a silly girl to give him a free pass to form a relationship with another woman.

 

Sorry, you made a bad choice with this guy and I fear that it is not going to end well for you...

[Leolady]

Thanks everyone. We had a good talk today. It's hard because he truly isn't a jerk and can connect. I think it's a true possibility that he is the kind of man who really thought he could change and learn to be monogamous but is struggling. As I said, he has a very difficult past and those scars are very much impacting him now. He's got a lot to work through. I don't want to give up so easily but I also don't want to give in and forget my own needs. I'm looking for a therapist for myself with the potential to do couples therapy.

 

@jhandy thank you for the cards idea. That is super helpful.

 

Thank you all for your support!

[sandylee1]

Why did you get married if you weren't a sexual match for him?

 

Surely after his first marriage, he'd want to get that right second time around.

 

I suspect if he leaves you, he will soon get bored with the next woman.

 

Some guys just can't be satisfied with the one woman. I guess now you know how his wife felt.

[sandylee1]

On the other hand, you might just enjoy an open relationship if you go that route.

 

If he agrees, it will give you an idea of whether he's fussed about you being with another man.

[JHandy]

You've got a good attitude but the advice given by others here is very valid. He's not likely to change. The only person you can change in a relationship is yourself.

 

I would not have an open relationship. What either of you do sexually must be done together. If he wants other women in his sexual life it must be with you in some form. If he has his things and you yours, you really don't have a marriage.

 

Martiage is an exclusive relationship that can have lots of spice. You can share moments with others if that's what both of you want, but don't let him have these moments without you.

 

I strongly encourage you to step outside your comfort zone and be prepared to do exciting things. You can be his wife with the mundane day to day stuff. But you can also be the girl he's crazy for in the off hours.

 

That's why you need to know what he likes. You also need to know what you like and what you are willing to do.

 

If you stay married to him he has to produce and agree you will be his ONLY!! It's that simple. Don't allow him to stray.

 

As I said earlier, you have full rights to first right of refusal. If he's got kinky sites, you should be in that site.

 

Have fun. Drive him crazy. Allow you to go crazy. Enjoy this life. It's too short.

 

Above all don't sell yourself short.

 

Rather than let him slide out of your life, invite him into yours.

 

We live in crazy days. But marriage is marriage. It still means something.

 

Good luck!

[anika99]

The term "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't always true but I think it does apply to your husband. This isn't a sexual compatibility issue. It's not about different taste. Your husband is a broken empty man who chases happiness in others. You could do every kinky sexual act there is for him and he will still lust after other women.

 

If having an open relationship isn't something you have ever desired before then I can't see that being the solution for you. If you're doing it just to hang onto him then I think you will wind up miserable and broken

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Men will be men and sex is paramount are myths men embrace for the sake of their infidelities. He is an ass, and you do not deserve to be in his presence one moment more.

Move on,

G

[hammyy2k]

you say the same to him and see what happens

[hammyy2k]

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Men will be men and sex is paramount are myths men embrace for the sake of their infidelities. He is an ass, and you do not deserve to be in his presence one moment more.

Move on,

G

 

is that the reason why women infidelity rates are hiher than men now days?

[Grumpybutfun]

is that the reason why women infidelity rates are hiher than men now days?

 

Infidelity is still the providence of men except on Red Pill, MGTOW, Incel, MRA sites. FYI I would give the same advice to a man. Whomever hurt you isn't broken due to gender.

G

[camillalev]

If you "open up your marrige" he'll leave you for her. You know this.

 

Leave him. If he doesn't cheat now he'll do it later. And he'll leave you. It's just a matter of when.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Leolady, sounds as if your husband is a serial monogamist and I don't know that there's anything you can do about it. In your place I'd be out the door so fast!

[elaine567]

1.You could do every kinky sexual act there is for him and he will still lust after other women.

 

2. If having an open relationship isn't something you have ever desired before then I can't see that being the solution for you. If you're doing it just to hang onto him then I think you will wind up miserable and broken

 

Agreed on both points...

Kink is just an excuse, "new" is the watchword.

 

"Forced" open marriages agreed to, to appease or keep the other from cheating is a recipe for disaster. Open marriages only work when both are on board and willing to explore their own sexuality with others, and there is a necessary suspension of emotions like jealousy.

Otherwise one is often stuck miserable at home as it was not their idea to see others and don't want to, whilst their partner samples the delights of many or maybe more scarily for some - one other person.

The allegiance to the "unwilling", "boring" or "undesired" partner unsurprisingly wanes and they are no longer priority. The "open" partner often then starts bending the agreed upon "rules" (some cheaters just love cheating) or they move on all together having found a better option, so the "sacrifice" is not worth it ultimately.