No intimacy but he watches Porn

[Cassie78]

Hi all, please forgive the length of this post but I need to share .

My partner and I have been together for 21 years. He has always struggled to show his emotion and is deeply embarrassed to talk about relationships or god forbid you mention sex , but during our relationship we have had a good sex life.

 

The last five or six years have been different , he doesn't seem to want sex I have to initiate and do all the work. I did for a time wait to see how long it would be if I didn't initiate it lasted 8 months and I caved and had to initiate.I have a high sex drive which was no problem for him before but I'm going crazy atm. We have three amazing kids so I have talked myself into keeping quiet about it as I don't want them to lose their dad but he has lost interest in anything to do with us.

 

Plus it has been difficult of late as our youngest son now 10 has severe autism and I have to sleep in another room to watch over my son during the night .

I try to hold his hand and he pulls away after a few seconds he wont hug or kiss me , and wont talk about it he just walks away and say there's no issue. He does have a volatile temper ,NEVER violent but he just storms off which means no conversation and asks why am I always having a go !

 

Now this has been going on for a while and I thought it was his medication or as he was nearing 50 his sex drive was disappearing but this last year when we do have sex he wont kiss me or hold me after. And that rung alarm bells fo me .Its literally like he is thinking ewwww and lets get this over with.

 

I started finding tissues in his bedroom and socks behind the bed and thought maybe he was taking care of himself.Then I was putting a film on his iPad for him and found a load of porn in the downloads ,I haven't questioned him about it but I have kept track.He is downloading new porn every week he is watching it daily and masturbating.

 

I have been trying to initiate sex to see what he says and he is too tired or not in the mood.But he goes into his room and watches porn.Sometimes he watches an hour a night ... I don't know how he can watch it for that long to be honest when we do have sex it lasts a couple of minutes.

 

So now I feel hurt and useless and unwanted and don't know what to do.I know I will have to talk to him about it but hes just going to get embarrassed and blame it on me

Edited July 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry Cassie.

 

Have you tried marriage counselling? I don't imagine that he will be excited to go... But, it may help to develop better communication and understand his behavior.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Been here and it sucks to be quite blunt.

 

All I can tell you is that this won't fix itself. In fact, even counselling won't guarantee anything either. It certainly didn't fix the problems I had in my marriage which is why I'm now divorced.

 

But if you love your husband and want to save your marriage, you need to try something, anything to start talking and communicating openly and honestly. If not, I fear your marriage will end up with the same fate as my own.

 

Unless you want to be a martyr.

 

I didn't.

 

Forever is a long time, even longer when you're unfulfilled sexually and emotionally.

 

Good luck.

[JHandy]

In my prevois marriage, my former wife chose to have a "family bed" when our kids were born. I wasn't game to that. She set th crib next to the bed and when the babies woke she'd roll over and feed them and that would be that. She'd done a lot of reading on the topic and was convinced it was the way.

 

Maybe for her it was working out. For me, I literally got no sleep. I tend to like some separation from kids. She and I could never get intimate. I gave up arguing about it and started sleeping on the couch. And I did so for a year. Then I cleaned out a spare room/office and moved a bed in there and sleeperd well.

 

She would come in and we'd have sex about once a month or less. But the rest of the time I'd watch porn and take care of things myself. Thus went on for another year and a half. We had a few kids and she chose to sleep in the same room as them as long as there were babies.

 

When the baby thing got done she moved back in with me. By then, I was in full bachelor mode. I didn't want her there anymore. I got into my groove and I liked it. But we eventually got there and things normalized.

 

I feel for you and your son. He needs you but so does your husband. I don't know the severity of his condition. But you may need to talk to your doctor to see what alternatives there are with monitoring and how you can separate from him so you can rejoin your husband.

 

I suspect if he feels the way I did, he's resentful that "you chose your son over him". I quoted that because it's a feeling. My previous marriage ended because eventually there wasn't enough keeping us together. We really got too far apart.

 

If you go talk to a doctor, get your husband on board with the info-gathering. Get him on the team so to speak. Let him m know he's the reason you're seeking the info and strategies. Be a team and roll with the punches.

 

Don't shame him. He's feeling a bunch of that already. Try to be part of his fantasy world. Don't reject his fantasy world. The bottom line, get sexual with him more than just having sex. Try to enjoy his sexual mind. At 50 the physical part of sex is frustrating. The imaginary becomes more thrilling. It's super thrilling when your partner is there with you. Maybe you can ask to watch some of his videos with him. Then see where it goes.

 

Good luck!

[Superchicken]

Hi Cassie,

 

 

A couple of things..

 

 

1. Have you tried to watch it with him ?.

If you cant do that, then read my second suggestion, but if you can, read on.

Suggest watching together, then, after a few minutes, slowly make some moves on him, and, I do know (Don't ask), that a little verbal interaction helps.

Some Men, also tend to have a fantasy about their wives getting "Satisfaction" from a stranger. Maybe he's at that stage ??.

So ask him, if he wants you like that.. Its only fantasy, so don't worry.

Then, hopefully by then, he's in the mood, an hopefully so are you.

Then go to town on him, but let him know he can continue to watch the screen if he likes.

At least this way, you get something together.

Hopefully over time, he wont need any external influence.

 

 

 

 

2. Make up, hair colour, Brazilian wax, sexy lingerie, wear sexy/revealing clothes when going out together or alone, and let him see a little more skin at times when in a restaurants or public places, etc.. if you know what I mean.

 

 

 

 

All these may dislodge his current image and view of you.

Changing yourself, may just bring him back to you again.

 

 

I know there are some extremes here, but only you can determine how far you are willing to go, and to make him, hopefully change..

 

 

 

 

I hope its this easy for you.

 

 

Good luck, and please update if it works or not..

 

 

 

 

Ted (Yes, I am a part time pervert, as there's no full time positions available ).

[elaine567]

I try to hold his hand and he pulls away after a few seconds he wont hug or kiss me , and wont talk about it he just walks away and say there's no issue. He does have a volatile temper ,NEVER violent but he just storms off which means no conversation and asks why am I always having a go !

 

 

Yes he may be way into porn but this new rejection of "you" completely maybe due to the fact he has another woman, sorry to say.

[Michelle ma Belle]

In my prevois marriage, my former wife chose to have a "family bed" when our kids were born. I wasn't game to that. She set th crib next to the bed and when the babies woke she'd roll over and feed them and that would be that. She'd done a lot of reading on the topic and was convinced it was the way.

 

Maybe for her it was working out. For me, I literally got no sleep. I tend to like some separation from kids. She and I could never get intimate. I gave up arguing about it and started sleeping on the couch. And I did so for a year. Then I cleaned out a spare room/office and moved a bed in there and sleeperd well.

 

She would come in and we'd have sex about once a month or less. But the rest of the time I'd watch porn and take care of things myself. Thus went on for another year and a half. We had a few kids and she chose to sleep in the same room as them as long as there were babies.

 

When the baby thing got done she moved back in with me. By then, I was in full bachelor mode. I didn't want her there anymore. I got into my groove and I liked it. But we eventually got there and things normalized.

 

I feel for you and your son. He needs you but so does your husband. I don't know the severity of his condition. But you may need to talk to your doctor to see what alternatives there are with monitoring and how you can separate from him so you can rejoin your husband.

 

I suspect if he feels the way I did, he's resentful that "you chose your son over him". I quoted that because it's a feeling. My previous marriage ended because eventually there wasn't enough keeping us together. We really got too far apart.

 

If you go talk to a doctor, get your husband on board with the info-gathering. Get him on the team so to speak. Let him m know he's the reason you're seeking the info and strategies. Be a team and roll with the punches.

 

Don't shame him. He's feeling a bunch of that already. Try to be part of his fantasy world. Don't reject his fantasy world. The bottom line, get sexual with him more than just having sex. Try to enjoy his sexual mind. At 50 the physical part of sex is frustrating. The imaginary becomes more thrilling. It's super thrilling when your partner is there with you. Maybe you can ask to watch some of his videos with him. Then see where it goes.

 

Good luck!

 

Although I agree with much of what is said here, I also can't help but feel somewhat angered that we're shaming the mom's for the care and concern of their children.

 

Yes, I totally get that many wives/mothers dote over their children so much so that they often lose site of their own relationship and their husbands needs but where are the dads in all of this??

 

Seriously. Maybe if more fathers/husbands stepped up to the plate with their kids so their wives can catch a break there would be more time and energy and even appreciation that will be in their favor and benefit them in the long run.

 

Particularly when we're talking about children with special needs.

 

I'm often very hard on women who lose their balance like this but at the same time, I'm so bloody tired of hearing men bellyache about 'their needs' not getting met when all too often they do the bare minimum at home regarding the raising and care of their children and see their role as provider enough of a contribution.

 

Bullsh*t.

 

Everyone needs to take responsibility for the parts they play. You want your wife to feel less stressed, have more time, feel appreciated then HELP HER with the very things that hijack her time and zap her energy.

 

Marriage and raising children is a team effort. It's especially important if you want and need time together as a couple.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[Gr8fuln2020]

Cassie78,

 

When you initiate sex, does he have physical problems committing and sustaining his arousal as he had during your more fruitful times?

 

To be frank and bring some light to what could be happening, I'll share my own experience. I resorted to porn on and off despite the fact that I had a beautiful woman in the bed near me. I did this for a couple of months, maybe less, not because I couldn't perform, but b/c I had no desire to be intimate with her. I was depressed, repulsed by the idea of being so close to her. I too have a very high sex drive and needless to say, I had to find a way to release, so resorted to porn. It was never as good as being with my now ex, but it was what it was at the time. When I found myself out of whatever funk I was in, my desire for my ex was re-established and frequent sex became the norm.

 

I suspect that much is going on with him. Depression. Resentment (likely blaming you for something). Seeking an escape.

[JHandy]

Although I agree with much of what is said here, I also can't help but feel somewhat angered that we're shaming the mom's for the care and concern of their children.

 

The fact is, I totally agree with you.

 

The thing that's frustrating with this site is the bashing people do with each other. People come here for help and the first line of advise is get a divorce or we hear how much of a scum bag so and so is.

 

No matter how much we as observers are in scorning the "wrong-doers" the wrong-doer here is in pain - mostly brought on by himself.

 

He needs to get plugged in. My advice was for the wife to get the husband involved in finding a solution for their child and each other.

 

I try to use my eff ups in my life to give a unique view on situations and give a somewhat optimistic approach to get to a solution without dragging the wrong-doers through any more mud than they drag themselves through.

 

He should be helping her and she needs his help. But he's stuck on stupid. We can agree that she can beat him to a pulp or we can help her ease her husband back into the game.

 

Men are pigs at time. But always acknowledging it isn't doing anything but keeping lawyers afloat.

 

I'm just being a bit creative in a solution that may get her husband to see beyond himself, see his wife in a lustful way which he needs at times and she can get her partner back to help with her son.

 

I know you're right. But it will only make her hate him more. She needs him. They need rapid reconstruction in their relationship for their sons sake. Understanding each other's sexual needs and quickly finding common ground can help create what I think is a necessary bond.

[JHandy]

I'm not trying to shame the mother. She has nothing to be shameful of. The three are in a tough patch. It's not her fault. His feelings of abandonment is his fault. But the feelings are there. It needs to be worked with. He needs to be brought back into the fold. He's not going to do it himself.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm not trying to shame the mother. She has nothing to be shameful of. The three are in a tough patch. It's not her fault. His feelings of abandonment is his fault. But the feelings are there. It needs to be worked with. He needs to be brought back into the fold. He's not going to do it himself.

 

I think you made some really great points. I wasn't bashing you in particular, just prompted me to remind everyone that we need to hold men accountable in these types of scenarios as well. And it started with me since, like I said, I tend to be quite hard on women about not balancing kids and home and hubby well.

 

At the end of the day, it takes two people to make a relationship work. I've said it a MILLION times on here because it's the truth. You both have to want it and want to make it work and if that means you're pitching in doing stuff you'd rather not be doing or going to marriage counselling or whatever, then DO IT.

 

I'm tired of people sitting back and whining about being a victim while doing as little as possible to make things better. And that goes for both men and women.

[JHandy]

I think you made some really great points. I wasn't bashing you in particular, just prompted me to remind everyone that we need to hold men accountable in these types of scenarios as well. And it started with me since, like I said, I tend to be quite hard on women about not balancing kids and home and hubby well.

 

At the end of the day, it takes two people to make a relationship work. I've said it a MILLION times on here because it's the truth. You both have to want it and want to make it work and if that means you're pitching in doing stuff you'd rather not be doing or going to marriage counselling or whatever, then DO IT.

 

I'm tired of people sitting back and whining about being a victim while doing as little as possible to make things better. And that goes for both men and women.

 

Superbly said! Thank you!

[SammySammy]

Sounds like unresolved issues in the relationship. He apparently does want sex and has a drive. There are just ... issues ... making it undesirable with you.

 

Getting to the truth of the matter and working through it may be difficult but worthwhile for both of you.

[knabe]

Hi Cassie,

 

 

A couple of things..

 

 

1. Have you tried to watch it with him ?.

If you cant do that, then read my second suggestion, but if you can, read on.

Suggest watching together, then, after a few minutes, slowly make some moves on him, and, I do know (Don't ask), that a little verbal interaction helps.

Some Men, also tend to have a fantasy about their wives getting "Satisfaction" from a stranger. Maybe he's at that stage ??.

So ask him, if he wants you like that.. Its only fantasy, so don't worry.

Then, hopefully by then, he's in the mood, an hopefully so are you.

Then go to town on him, but let him know he can continue to watch the screen if he likes.

At least this way, you get something together.

Hopefully over time, he wont need any external influence.

 

 

 

 

2. Make up, hair colour, Brazilian wax, sexy lingerie, wear sexy/revealing clothes when going out together or alone, and let him see a little more skin at times when in a restaurants or public places, etc.. if you know what I mean.

 

 

 

 

All these may dislodge his current image and view of you.

Changing yourself, may just bring him back to you again.

 

 

I know there are some extremes here, but only you can determine how far you are willing to go, and to make him, hopefully change..

 

 

 

 

I hope its this easy for you.

 

 

Good luck, and please update if it works or not..

 

 

 

 

Ted (Yes, I am a part time pervert, as there's no full time positions available ).

 

I'll translate:

 

Porn is more important than your feelings. Be hotter.

[RecentChange]

An HOUR of porn a night, for a man who will go 8 months without sex points to a problem, and I am sorry, but I don't think his wife not being sexy enough is the problem.

 

A mentality, physically and emotionally health man would choose sex with a wife that loves him over DAILY porn.

 

Porn has been shown to ruin sex drives and sexual response. It can condition the brain to fantasies while reality no longer provides the same "high".

 

This affects men of all ages and all walks of life.

 

Personally I would have a hard talk with him, and want to see a MAJOR decrease in porn use.

 

If a man comes here and says my wife never puts out, it's seems like the advice is that is her wifey duty.

 

If a husband is neglecting his wife's sexual needs, she gets told to watch porn and get sexier.

[JHandy]

I'll translate:

 

Porn is more important than your feelings. Be hotter.

 

No, it means her husband is gone and sadly at this point unreachable. He's resentful. They are on a fast track to dark days and the more judgement and shame that builds up the darker their future looks.

 

She's hurt and he's hurt. And they have a child that's in serious need.

 

They shouldn't look at why they are where they are. What important is they are there and they need to get out of there.

 

He's not going to do it himself. He's gone.

 

This is the thing. They are married. They have to try to fix it. The problem presented is they aren't making a sexual connection. I have to assume all other things are at least ok.

 

He's stuck in his world. And she kinda wants in.

 

How do we do that?

 

Scorn the husband and make him feel much worse than he already does?

 

Lawyers would love this.

 

It's not that she needs to be hotter and that's not what this is about. It's about getting connected with what little they have. In this relationship porn is a factor. It's a huge factor.

 

So one approach is to cast judgement and make the husband feel more shame and be more disgusted with himself to a point where the two cannot find common ground then they divorce leaving their autism child stranded. Not a good solution.

 

The other option is for her to show interest in his "hobby" and yes in ways try to appeal to him more. It's not as crazy as it sounds. They need to find common sexual footing and build from it.

 

If she approached him nonjudgmental and gave his hobby some acceptance then he'll start feeling better and as he starts viewing her in a more sexual way, the porn will become less important.

 

If she asked for his help in trying to find alternative monitoring of their son ona ways to transition him he will start getting excited about what's ahead.

 

Sex is not pure and it's all objectivity. The ideal with sex is getting rid of the ideal and make it what it is at the time. These two cannot afford romance and idealism in the bed. They only have time for the raw nature of sex. Give them space for that.

 

Autism is nothing you can act quickly on and any transition will take time. They need rapid reconstruction and sex is great for that.

 

Porn ain't perfect. But it's all they (or rather he) has right now. It's a great start.

 

The key is trying to find out what each other likes. Porn is great for that.

[RecentChange]

Porn ain't perfect. But it's all they (or rather he) has right now. It's a great start.

 

The key is trying to find out what each other likes. Porn is great for that.

 

Is this really a healthy "hobby"? Is watching porn for an hour a day beneficial to him and his life?

 

I am really not sure that porn is a "great start". A surprising amount of young men suffering erectile dysfunction due to this "hobby".

 

Now as for likes and dislikes.... It's a shame if after many years together they don't know. But is porn really that replicatable?

 

What if his "like" is gang bangs? Or deep throating while she isn't into that.

 

Much of porn is very very far from reality, and pretty disrespectful to women.

 

I don't mind some porn, but I don't agree that watching more porn is going to bring BACK INTIMACY into their relationship.

 

If he wanted wild monkey sex... Wouldn't he accept his wife's attempt for sex?

[JHandy]

Is this really a healthy "hobby"? Is watching porn for an hour a day beneficial to him and his life?

 

I'm not going to judge. It's not helpful. My opinions and yours are pointless. It's their issue.

 

I understand and respect your conserns fully.

 

I would hope there would be no more porn than there is but that she tries to join him and understands what he likes seeing. Maybe with her there he'll watch less awful porn - porn that's more respectful. Who knows. It doesn't matter. She's there with him and that's all what's important.

 

People evolve. These two will evolve.

 

It's just an idea.

 

Sometimes people need to work with what they got in front of them.

 

But he's gone. And she really doesn't have many options. She wants sex with him. If she tears him down with his porn use, they will likely have no more sex and this kid will lose a father.

 

It isn't pretty. But I do think there is a way to save it and have it be strong.

 

Id rather her give it a whirl rather get divorced then try to raise her son alone. I'm sure she could - she's kinda doing it now. She really doesn't have much to lose here, but she could gain a lot. Probably more than she expects.

[Steve51]

Been there and done that. Told my wife that the reason I was not interested in sex with her was due to excessive masturbation, not that I no longer found her attractive. Our solution is not something than most will try but we got into male chastity and no more masturbating and sex is now for my wife's pleasure only most of the time. I am given an orgasm when she feels like it but most times only she gets to orgasm. We still have a lot of sex and the only thing missing is my orgasm. When I do orgasm, it is worth the wait.

 

As a result we have become more intimate and emotionally close. Due to being aroused all the time I treat my wife like the most desirable girl in the world and it has really made a change in her. She now enjoys teasing me daily and actually looks forward to sex for pleasure rather than marital duty. I do wear a chastity cage which she holds the keys too but if you Google it most of the websites are more about BDSM, Femdom, Female Led Marriage and similar. They talk about dominating your husband, punishment and similar. We do chastity without all of that stuff. We basically do what is called teasing and denial which is similar to Tantric sex.

 

I thought it was stupid to give up my daily orgasms and wait a month or more or one but I have more energy and feel closer to my wife than ever before. No more arguing. She holds the key to my happiness so I tread lightly. We like it so much that we have made it our sex life. I got used to a limited number of oragasms each year and wear my chastity cage as easily as I do my wedding ring. As you may guess, we do not have a traditional marriage. Hard to do when your wife and her best friend are bisexual and in love with each other and me.

 

Normally you would schedule mandatory sex nights so that the hormone Oxytocin, which emotionally bonds the couple together, can do its thing. Usually after a few weeks we are going at it like rabbits again. However, if he is masturbating, this will not work.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'll translate:

 

Porn is more important than your feelings. Be hotter.

 

I actually take great offense to this. (realizing knabe is just translating the other post which I'm referring to)

 

I was in a marriage where my husband chose porn over me. Although I wasn't perfect physically, I think I was still attractive and tried my damnedest to gain my hubby's attention. I certainly got a lot of attention from other men which always confused me why my hubby no longer saw me the way these other men did.

 

When things were spiraling out of control, before I sought counselling for myself, the best advice I would get time and time again from friends and even my mother was to amp up my 'hotness' so he would choose me over porn; more/different make up, change my hair color and/or style, Brazilian wax, sexy lingerie, wear sexy/revealing clothes, be more spontaneous and sexy, lose weight, work out more and on and on and on it went.

 

As if they had any idea what they were talking about with their own bucket of marital problems to worry about. Little did they know that I did so many of those things already and for years. It didn't help that my hubby was the uber conservative one in the bedroom. Never wanted to color outside the box the way I wanted. I even developed an eating disorder trying to fit in and fix myself in order to compete with the women he jerked off to daily.

 

It was an exercise in futility. Spent years tweaking myself physically thinking that the way I looked was THE remedy to fixing all our sexual problems in our marriage. What a load of B.S.

 

Yes, there is something to be said about making an effort in one's appearance especially after years together. No one wants to f*ck a disheveled slob. And that goes both ways by the way! But to sit here and not only blame women for not 'looking and acting' more porn like and place the onus on them exclusively as if it's the sole means of correcting any intimacy problems they have in their marriage is a load of sh*t.

 

I'm living proof that its total bologna.

 

Men have a part to play in this as well. Intimacy problems so often go much deeper than what you see just with you eyes. And if and when excessive porn is involved, it's a much bigger problem that lays at the feet of the men not the women.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[knabe]

I actually take great offense to this. (realizing knabe is just translating the other post which I'm referring to)

 

I was in a marriage where my husband chose porn over me. Although I wasn't perfect physically, I think I was still attractive and tried my damnedest to gain my hubby's attention. I certainly got a lot of attention from other men which always confused me why my hubby no longer saw me the way these other men did.

 

When things were spiraling out of control, before I sought counselling for myself, the best advice I would get time and time again from friends and even my mother was to amp up my 'hotness' so he would choose me over porn; more/different make up, change my hair color and/or style, Brazilian wax, sexy lingerie, wear sexy/revealing clothes, be more spontaneous and sexy, lose weight, work out more and on and on and on it went.

 

As if they had any idea what they were talking about with their own bucket of marital problems to worry about. Little did they know that I did so many of those things already and for years. It didn't help that my hubby was the uber conservative one in the bedroom. Never wanted to color outside the box the way I wanted. I even developed an eating disorder trying to fit in and fix myself in order to compete with the women he jerked off to daily.

 

It was an exercise in futility. Spent years tweaking myself physically thinking that the way I looked was THE remedy to fixing all our sexual problems in our marriage. What a load of B.S.

 

Yes, there is something to be said about making an effort in one's appearance especially after years together. No one wants to f*ck a disheveled slob. And that goes both ways by the way! But to sit here and not only blame women for not 'looking and acting' more porn like and place the onus on them exclusively as if it's the sole means of correcting any intimacy problems they have in their marriage is a load of sh*t.

 

I'm living proof that its total bologna.

 

Men have a part to play in this as well. Intimacy problems so often go much deeper than what you see just with you eyes. And if and when excessive porn is involved, it's a much bigger problem that lays at the feet of the men more than the women.

 

I didn't mean to upset you. It was sarcasm.

 

Bottom line, most men are to married to and defensive about their porn to be capable of being honest about a situation like this.

 

I don't care if people use porn occasionally. But if my SO uses it while simultaneously ignores me....we got a problem. And it's HIS problem. And yeah, I'm gonna judge him for it. And no, I'm not going to compete with Pam Anderson and use his neglect as "something to build on."

 

Because I'm not an idiot.

 

The cure for obsessive porn use and neglect of one's spouse is not more makeup. The cure is for the porn user to man up and be a spouse.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I didn't mean to upset you. It was sarcasm.

 

Bottom line, most men are to married to and defensive about their porn to be capable of being honest about a situation like this.

 

I don't care if people use porn occasionally. But if my SO uses it while simultaneously ignores me....we got a problem. And it's HIS problem. And yeah, I'm gonna judge him for it. And no, I'm not going to compete with Pam Anderson and use his neglect as "something to build on."

 

Because I'm not an idiot.

 

The cure for obsessive porn use and neglect of one's spouse is not more makeup. The cure is for the porn user to man up and be a spouse.

 

You didn't offend me knabe, I updated my post reflecting that. I know you were responding to the other post. I agree with what you've said.

[JHandy]

I actually take great offense to this. (realizing knabe is just translating the other post which I'm referring to

 

I'm sorry my post offended you.

 

I'm very sorry your husband was a terrible man.

 

I've seen couples get closer by taking down barriers and casting away judgement. But sometimes wounds go too deep. And maybe that's the case here.

 

What I feel about this situation is it's already gone. She wants to make a sexual connection with him. As with your situation she can't win. He's too gone at this point and any attack on his porn use will be the final blow in my opinion.

 

He's already resentful and angry. He's just going to get more angry.

 

I didn't mean to offend. It's just an idea - a last resort. Maybe even fleeting.

 

I in no way suggest she change her appearance or compete. I was only suggesting she just be with him and share his moment. That's all. That includes talking about what they are seeing and expressing what they like. It's a lot more simple than what your husband did to you.

 

If he's unresponsive to her after she does this she needs to move on.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry my post offended you.

 

I'm very sorry your husband was a terrible man.

 

I've seen couples get closer by taking down barriers and casting away judgement. But sometimes wounds go too deep. And maybe that's the case here.

 

What I feel about this situation is it's already gone. She wants to make a sexual connection with him. As with your situation she can't win. He's too gone at this point and any attack on his porn use will be the final blow in my opinion.

 

He's already resentful and angry. He's just going to get more angry.

 

I didn't mean to offend. It's just an idea - a last resort. Maybe even fleeting.

 

I in no way suggest she change her appearance or compete. I was only suggesting she just be with him and share his moment. That's all. That includes talking about what they are seeing and expressing what they like. It's a lot more simple than what your husband did to you.

 

If he's unresponsive to her after she does this she needs to move on.

 

No hun, Knabe was responding to SuperChicken's post which is the one I found offensive in terms of saying women need glam themselves up and do more in the bedroom in order to fix their sexual problems.

 

All good

[elaine567]

This is not some uptight prudish woman withholding sex here, this is a woman who wants sex and her husband is apparently rejecting her in favour of porn.

He does not want to discuss their sex life, and has shut her out completely.

Do you really think he is suddenly going to open up and share his porn collection...?

What planet?

 

Women need mostly to be desired by their husbands, but his desire is centred elsewhere and centred on other women or even other men or children who knows??....

Yes it is all supposedly "fantasy", but it isn't seen that way by most women, especially women who have basically been replaced by porn queens(assuming his tastes are essentially mainstream).

 

The idea that she then embrace HIS porn, is as unlikely to help their marriage any more than she suggests she spend time with him and his other woman in their love nest...

Edited August 1, 2017 by elaine567