No intimacy but he watches Porn

[JHandy]

This is not some uptight prudish woman withholding sex here, this is a woman who wants sex and her husband is apparently rejecting her in favour of porn.

 

Agreed. That's why I am suggesting she try to join him.

 

 

He does not want to discuss their sex life, and has shut her out completely.

Do you really think he is suddenly going to open up and share his porn collection...?

What planet?

 

Yes, I think he will be interested. If she came in with some simple pajamas - nothing super sexy - maybe a little cute-ish but not saying let's have sex and she took an interest, he might. He will get sparked if after a bit she kept on her bottoms and masterbated there with him. Again not expecting him to do anything.

 

Women need mostly to be desired by their husbands, but his desire is centred elsewhere and centred on other women or even other men or children who knows??....

 

Totally agree. Probably not men or children though. She has looked at his downloads. She would have seen.

 

Yes it is all supposedly "fantasy", but it isn't seen that way by most women, especially women who have basically been replaced by porn queens(assuming his tastes are essentially mainstream).

 

It is fantasy. She's not being replaced. He's resentful. He's staying away from her because he's angry. That can be reversed. It will take time and courage on both sides.

 

The idea that she then embrace HIS porn, is as unlikely to help their marriage any more than she suggests she spend time with him and his other woman in their love nest...

 

I don't see it as embracing it. Just working with it. I missed the part where she said he was having an affair. She's checked his device. It seems it's only porn.

[BaileyB]

Sorry, but if my guy chose porn over sex, there is absolutely no way that I'm going to embrace it and join him. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with partners watching porn together. But, he has made his choice and there are consequences to every decision...

 

A woman wants to feel loved and desired by her partner. If I'm not feeling that, I'm not going to try and sex it up - buy sexy lingerie or even cute pyjamas. I'm not going to watch porn with him and become more adventurous... I'm not going to lose weight, or buy sex toys, or do anything else...

 

If this was my husband he would, however, be welcome to watch as much porn as he wants... Because I would serve him with divorce papers and find another relationship with someone who actually wanted to share some affection an intimacy...

[sandylee1]

Steve51, your situation is much like some of the erotica stuff I see on my kindle. I never thought it happened much in real life ...the cages and orgasm denials.

[JHandy]

Sorry, but if my guy chose porn over sex, there is absolutely no way that I'm going to embrace it and join him. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with partners watching porn together. But, he has made his choice and there are consequences to every decision...

 

A woman wants to feel loved and desired by her partner. If I'm not feeling that, I'm not going to try and sex it up - buy sexy lingerie or even cute pyjamas. I'm not going to watch porn with him and become more adventurous... I'm not going to lose weight, or buy sex toys, or do anything else...

 

If this was my husband he would, however, be welcome to watch as much porn as he wants... Because I would serve him with divorce papers and find another relationship with someone who actually wanted to share some affection an intimacy...

 

Not many people on this orb are absolutely perfect.

 

She's looking for a solution. She's not looking to get divorced so she's passed this point you would have bailed.

[elaine567]

He has rejected and rejected and rejected her now he won't even hold her hand so I can see just see how successful the cute-ish pyjamas are going to be?

 

Why is he so angry that he cannot even touch her?

What has she actually done here to make him so angry?

[BaileyB]

Not many people on this orb are absolutely perfect.

 

She's looking for a solution. She's not looking to get divorced so she's passed this point you would have bailed.

 

Obviously, she has decided not to bail yet...

 

Deciding that it is unacceptable for your husband to watch porn every night rather than show affection and have sex with his wife is not looking for perfection...

 

Just saying, the problems in this marriage are complicated and won't be solved with cute pyjamas. This problem can only be solved if both partners recommit and it doesn't seem like this guy is particularly motivated to do that right now.

[JHandy]

He has rejected and rejected and rejected her now he won't even hold her hand so I can see just see how successful the cute-ish pyjamas are going to be?

 

Why is he so angry that he cannot even touch her?

What has she actually done here to make him so angry?

 

It's irrational actually. A lot of psychologist text books cover it. Deep inside he feels she abandoned him for his son. It's irrational. So we can either stone him or she can try anything she can to reach him.

 

I'm not defending it. But if she wants her marriage she's got to try whatever she can to break through.

 

She needed to do what she did for her son and I applaud her. He didn't do what he needed to help her. He made his own mess. She just seems to want to get her marriage back. She should try.

 

Why do you want to stop her from trying. With respect to you, Not every answer is divorce.

[elaine567]

Not every answer is divorce.

No, but he has abandoned the marriage and refuses to even touch her so the effect that will have on her long term physical and mental health will be significant, if she decides to stay...

Skin hunger is no laughing matter.

 

Its already been 5-6 years of hell for her and it is getting worse, how much longer can she be expected to put up with this?

 

If he is that angry with her, then do you really think he wants her to join in in his porn fest...

I seriously doubt it.

I guess she also has no interest in his porn "hobby" whatsoever, so not only has she been replaced by it sexually, she now has to try to feign interest, so how do honestly think that will go?

He will know she has no real interest and she may even be trying to hide her disgust.

I guess he will then be even more angry with her, and shut down even more.

She has also been initiating now for years to no real avail, so trying to jolly him along by masturbating in front of him is just going to induce even more rejection...

His anger effectively keeps her away.

 

If he is spanking every single day and rejecting a willing flesh and blood woman - then obviously there is a disorder and dysfunction taking place. In other words he is all messed up maybe he can be fixed....and maybe he can't.

 

But the point I want to make here is reference to the "thrill of the chase" that was mentioned above. I think in instances where dudes prefer porn and to take matters into their hand as opposed to being with their partner, I think in most instances it is the opposite.

 

Spanking is easy, it takes very little effort and it never asks for anything in return. Your own hand does not need to be wined and dined. you don't have to be nice to it. It never asks you to take out the garbage or pick your dirty socks off the floor. You don't have to change the oil in it's car or unclog the toilet. It never sends you out of bed to battle the spider that's walking up the wall. You don't have to be nice to it's parents, siblings or wacky friends. You don't have to buy it a house and you never ever ever have to go furniture shopping with it. It is always ready willing and able, even if there are dishes in the sink, clothes in the washer or vacuuming to be done. You never have to listen to it's problems and never have to get it validation and assure it that it is going to be OK. It doesn't need romance and it doesn't need foreplay and it never ever needs to have it's feet rubbed. And once it's done it's job, it just needs a little wiping off with a towel or the nearest sock and it never needs to be cuddled or held or told how wonderful it is.

 

So in other words, men that prefer their own hand over their own wife, simply do not want to mess with everything that goes along with getting their tank drained. The want the quickest, easiest, most efficient and least labor-intensive way to get the job done without having to mess with any of that other stuff that goes along with getting a woman to do it.

 

So the bottom line is they simply do not care. It's fine having a woman around if she cooks and cleans and keeps the kids out of his hair and doesn't bug him for anything else, and as long as she doesn't interfere with him keeping his own tank drained. #20

[JHandy]

No, but he has abandoned the marriage and refuses to even touch her so the effect that will have on her long term physical and mental health will be significant, if she decides to stay...

 

This is an extreme take. He has withdrawn sexually for the most part. They are having sex albeit not necessarily good sex. Both are suffering from mental health issues likely stemming from the stresses of having a special needs child. He's still in the house and I imagine still working and providing. He isn't abusing her. He's withdrawn. He has not abandoned his family.

 

Sometimes I feel a woman could post on LS about her husband not putting the seat down and there would be a group of regulars pushing her to get a divorce.

 

This lady has the right to make her marriage work and she has the right to have a fulfilling sex life with her husband.

 

She hasn't even talked to him about it. She's asking for advice on how to break the ice and start reconstruction.

 

But sadly this group of people start laying out tragic assumptions and pushing her to get a divorce. According to some posts her husband is downloading child porn and gay porn and he has a woman or two on the side. It's not helpful. The negative mental health issues caused by these posts are far worse than the husband's withdrawal.

 

Its already been 5-6 years of hell for her and it is getting worse, how much longer can she be expected to put up with this?

 

Again, an extreme take. I did not read from her post that she's in "hell". I read she's depressed, sad, rejected but the verb "hell" incorporates abuse. He's withdrawn and she's lost.

 

As one other post said, she needed and needs to better manage her son's needs and her marriage's needs. Sometimes it hard to find that balance. When you look at days individually the choices that are made make sense. You never look at the accumulated effect.

 

How many times did the husband want to have sex with her, but she either couldn't for good reasons or he went to seduce her, but saw his son needing her?

 

It's not that his resentment is deliberate. It's likely subconscious.

 

They both made this situation out of circumstance. She has put her attention towards their son and he towards his computer screen.

 

You and I agree he should have pitched in more and try to work over each instance and situation with her. But if he was hurt due to his perception of being rejected in any instance and these instances accumulated then he ends up where he is.

 

If he is that angry with her, then do you really think he wants her to join in in his porn fest...

 

No. He will feel uncomfortable.

 

Whatever she does should be no pressure for sex. It should be focused on having a moment shared with her husband. Keeping it very simple.

 

I guess she also has no interest in his porn "hobby" whatsoever, so not only has she been replaced by it sexually, she now has to try to feign interest, so how do honestly think that will go?

 

These are your assumptions. She has not made any indications how she feels about porn in general. My assumption is that she feels left out. But that's my assumption.

 

And she has not been "replaced by porn". They have quick sex. He has withdrawn. He has resentment. Big difference.

 

He will know she has no real interest and she may even be trying to hide her disgust.

 

Again, these are your assumptions. There are a lot of ways this could turn out even if she initially doesn't care for porn. Sex therapists often recommend porn for couples to explore fantasy and new ideas. He's doing it why can't she?

 

I guess he will then be even more angry with her, and shut down even more.

 

And that's true. Doesn't mean she can't try. I can guarantee she will make no gains if she doesn't try something.

 

We all agree he's unlikely to respond to talking counseling or whatever.

 

She has also been initiating now for years to no real avail, so trying to jolly him along by masturbating in front of him is just going to induce even more rejection...

His anger effectively keeps her away.

 

She hasn't tried this yet - I am assuming.

 

If I were this man in the same situation (and to some extent, I was in my first marriage) if my wife dressed in her regular pajamas even, came in while I was watching porn and sat by me and said "honey, little Jimmy is asleep and quiet and I want to watch one of these with you - pick something you think I'll like.."

 

I would be shocked and embarrassed. And as I tried to cover up my doings, if she further added that it's OK and that she was horny and wanted it, I would select a mild "for woman" type scene. And as she watched she slid her hand in her bottoms and masturbated, she would have gotten my attention. If then she kissed me and thanked me and said she'd go back out monitor their son - I would be setting there stunned. If this happened a few more times I could get into it and start seeing her differently.

 

In time she could suggest while watching something she likes, she could say, I could do that to you and then he clears the computer to the side and they have sex.

 

Id suspect the porn part will reduce in time while the sex part explodes.

 

Then he stops being angry and starts to help out more and BOOM! They have a marriage again.

 

All because she had strength and courage and chose not to be a victim.

 

Could it backfire? Yes, but then they will be on the same course they are on already. But at least she tried.

 

The worse divorces are the ones when both parties never tried and just gave up.

Edited August 2, 2017 by JHandy

[Gr8fuln2020]

OP,

 

I shared my post to provide some possible light to what may be happening with your husband. Talk to him, if you haven't and you feel there is some avenue for improving the relation, regarding underlying issues that may be contributing to his rejection of you. I would not encourage his porn use by joining in and accommodating his desire to fixate on porn over you.

 

With my ex, I would never watch porn with her. No way. My use was of escape not an opportunity for bonding or sharing of fantasy. There was and should be, in my opinion, no need for fantasy of that kind when you have a beautiful warm body near you yearning for intimacy.

[JHandy]

I think one thing about this situation is the assumptions that are being made about the husband and men in general. We get harassed for not having feelings and when we do have feelings they are deemed wrong.

 

I get from posts on LS that men are expected to be superhuman in emotions and actions. That while the argument is made that women can take care of themselves we are still supposed to be ahead of everything and act perfectly and that all problems could be avoided only if men stop making all the mistakes.

 

In giving this a lot of though, it could very well be this man is feeling terrible about feeling jealous of his special needs son for taking his girlfriend - his wife - his best friend away. And if there is anything worse a man feels it's that.

 

He may not be rejecting her. He may be too deep in his shame that he cannot get past his darkness. He doesn't feel worthy. He's done this to himself little bit by little bit. And now it's too big for him to get out of alone.

 

I've been in this place and it's dark.

[knabe]

I think one thing about this situation is the assumptions that are being made about the husband and men in general. We get harassed for not having feelings and when we do have feelings they are deemed wrong.

 

I get from posts on LS that men are expected to be superhuman in emotions and actions. That while the argument is made that women can take care of themselves we are still supposed to be ahead of everything and act perfectly and that all problems could be avoided only if men stop making all the mistakes.

 

In giving this a lot of though, it could very well be this man is feeling terrible about feeling jealous of his special needs son for taking his girlfriend - his wife - his best friend away. And if there is anything worse a man feels it's that.

 

He may not be rejecting her. He may be too deep in his shame that he cannot get past his darkness. He doesn't feel worthy. He's done this to himself little bit by little bit. And now it's too big for him to get out of alone.

 

I've been in this place and it's dark.

 

You are not reading the same LS I read. At ALL

 

The bottom line is this question: Is he responsible for his behavior or not? If the answer is yes (and it is), then accommodating bad behavior and embracing bad behavior and validating bad behavior is NOT the answer.

 

If her hubby were using heroin at her expense, would we tell her to join him and lessen this resentment we assume he has? No

[JHandy]

I give up.

 

She's heading for divorce with conventional anti-male approaches.

 

We would rather judge the man to death than try something different.

 

I don't equate porn with heroine - not even close. Sorry.

 

I don't even believe viewing porn is bad behavior.

 

And joining him is not rewarding bad behavior with more bad behavior.

 

It's reaching out. It's enticing him back to her without judgement.

 

Porn to men in today's environment is what sex toys were to women decades ago. The same fears expressed here against porn were very present when these toys came out. Men feared they were being replaced by toys. Women will in fact voice loudly in many forms of media this sentiment. I have never heard a man say outright that porn replaces women.

 

We don't live in a perfect word. There are more distraction - rather instant distractions today than ever before and the number is growing.

 

We live in an era of free private use of pornography. There is no stigma of using porn and the fastest growing market for porn is women.

 

One could easily argue the use of sex toys could be damaging to a marriage - which I don't believe.

 

I wi say what totally kills a marriage is judging your partner.

 

This is where she's going with the current advice.

 

Her problem is fixable. But the predominant advice is for her to bail without trying anything. She hasn't even talked to him yet.

 

He's gone already and her instincts are correct. If she confronts him he will be more gone.

 

When someone is drowning in a sewer, you need to get dirty to save them. But maybe getting dirty is too much.

 

I honestly feel to reach him is to get on his plane.

 

This is not embracing.

 

This is using the tools that are available

 

I stand down.

[elaine567]

I have never heard a man say outright that porn replaces women.

.

 

Stick around this forum and you will find many women of all ages who, just like this one here, have found that they have indeed been "replaced" by a device, a hand and a dirty sock...

[Michelle ma Belle]

As a woman who was in the pretty much the same boat as OP, I can tell you with 100% certainty that joining my porn-addicted hubby while he watched porn not only did NOT work but wasn't even something HE wanted at all. And I was a woman who WANTED sex with my man.

 

Despite porn being the huge pink elephant in my marriage, I don't resent it and in fact, I enjoy it both alone and with a partner...on occasion. I'm about as far from prudish as they come, even back then I was open to doing whatever it took to get our sex life back on track. Watching porn together or even alone, in moderation, is perfectly normal. It's when porn replaces your partner that it moves from it just being a means to an end to something much more complex and complicated.

 

Throwing on some lipstick and lingerie and throwing on some porn will NOT fix the sexual problems with men who CHOOSE porn over their partner on a daily basis.

 

Period.

[knabe]

Question: If a woman used sex toys INSTEAD of having sex with her partner and was in fact DENYING her partner sex and affection and was using sex toys instead, what would your advice be?

 

I am not anti-man. In fact, most feminists hate me because I think we SHOULD be respecting men more. I am engaged to a man, and he is a wonderful man.

 

The issue here is NOT that all us vagina-bearers hate porn. It is that it is patently WRONG to deny your partner sex and affection while spanking it to strange women DAILY instead. It just is. Period.

[JHandy]

As a woman who was in the pretty much the same boat as OP, I can tell you with 100% certainty that joining my porn-addicted hubby while he watched porn not only did NOT work but wasn't even something HE wanted at all. And I was a woman who WANTED sex with my man.

 

Despite porn being the huge pink elephant in my marriage, I don't resent it and in fact, I enjoy it both alone and with a partner...on occasion. I'm about as far from prudish as they come, even back then I was open to doing whatever it took to get our sex life back on track. Watching porn together or even alone, in moderation, is perfectly normal. It's when porn replaces your partner that it moves from it just being a means to an end to something much more complex and complicated.

 

Throwing on some lipstick and lingerie and throwing on some porn will NOT fix the sexual problems with men who CHOOSE porn over their partner on a daily basis.

 

Period.

 

I actually very much agree with you and side with you with regards to your marriage. With all due respect, I believe the guy was a creep. And I believe he was abisive to you. The difference between you and this lady is you tried and tried in a huge way and he did actually rejected you. He didn't deserve you.

 

I have lived like her husband. And while we are all assuming, I can say with personal experience what may be happening with him.

 

The error I see here is trying to fit everyone in a single box.

 

I don't know, but her husband may be like yours and in that case she needs to leave him now. But knowing what we all know he may be more like me 10 years ago. Who knows. We are all just assuming stuff and fitting the two people in boxes we make for them. I don't think that's fair.

 

I understand your situation and am happy for you that you moved on. You didn't need to do the stuff you did to compete. Your interest alone should have been enough.

 

Her husbands situation has a lot to do with resentment and a bit of self hate. He's withdrawn. When I was in this state my wife at the time and I did have infrequent sex. Just like this couple. It wasn't great. Porn wasn't great. But she wanted sex once a month. I wanted it every day. I was rejected with every attemp until I stopped trying. He's not rejecting her every time. They are having sex - just infrequent unfulfilled sex.

 

I know in my personal situation if my wife did as I said before, my interests would have sparked. Maybe it will with this guy. Who knows. Neither you or I know. And we shouldn't assume. I'm just making a recommendation to cincider.

 

They way to a man's heart is the stomach as they say, but we all know there is something far more powerful to "exploit" to get there faster.

 

And history and literature and theater and movies and TV have told the story a million times over.

 

Your husband didn't see the gen he had even when you perfected yourself in front of him. (Excuse me for saying that - I mean no disrespect - I'm trying to make my point more bluntly). And it's totally his loss.

 

Her husband isn't seeing anything right now and she needs to use shock and awe to wake him up. And she is her most powerful weapon. At first she could shock him by doing something like I said before. With no pressure she can keep the game going until he starts awing her.

 

Porn isn't the thing here. It's just the tool. I'm certain she can take back real estate in his mind.

 

If not - she has a lot more information she needs to move on without making terrible assumptions.

[knabe]

I actually very much agree with you and side with you with regards to your marriage. With all due respect, I believe the guy was a creep. And I believe he was abisive to you. The difference between you and this lady is you tried and tried in a huge way and he did actually rejected you. He didn't deserve you.

 

I have lived like her husband. And while we are all assuming, I can say with personal experience what may be happening with him.

 

The error I see here is trying to fit everyone in a single box.

 

I don't know, but her husband may be like yours and in that case she needs to leave him now. But knowing what we all know he may be more like me 10 years ago. Who knows. We are all just assuming stuff and fitting the two people in boxes we make for them. I don't think that's fair.

 

I understand your situation and am happy for you that you moved on. You didn't need to do the stuff you did to compete. Your interest alone should have been enough.

 

Her husbands situation has a lot to do with resentment and a bit of self hate. He's withdrawn. When I was in this state my wife at the time and I did have infrequent sex. Just like this couple. It wasn't great. Porn wasn't great. But she wanted sex once a month. I wanted it every day. I was rejected with every attemp until I stopped trying. He's not rejecting her every time. They are having sex - just infrequent unfulfilled sex.

 

I know in my personal situation if my wife did as I said before, my interests would have sparked. Maybe it will with this guy. Who knows. Neither you or I know. And we shouldn't assume. I'm just making a recommendation to cincider.

 

They way to a man's heart is the stomach as they say, but we all know there is something far more powerful to "exploit" to get there faster.

 

And history and literature and theater and movies and TV have told the story a million times over.

 

Your husband didn't see the gen he had even when you perfected yourself in front of him. (Excuse me for saying that - I mean no disrespect - I'm trying to make my point more bluntly). And it's totally his loss.

 

Her husband isn't seeing anything right now and she needs to use shock and awe to wake him up. And she is her most powerful weapon. At first she could shock him by doing something like I said before. With no pressure she can keep the game going until he starts awing her.

 

Porn isn't the thing here. It's just the tool. I'm certain she can take back real estate in his mind.

 

If not - she has a lot more information she needs to move on without making terrible assumptions.

 

J Handy, are you the OP's husband? You seem very invested in sympathizing with him.

[JHandy]

Question: If a woman used sex toys INSTEAD of having sex with her partner and was in fact DENYING her partner sex and affection and was using sex toys instead, what would your advice be?

 

If it were me as I am today, I'd ask her if I could join in and see where it went.

 

If it were me 10 years ago, I would feel hurt and withdraw.

 

I like me better today.

 

My wife has toys and I use them on her. It's cool.

 

My only rules in my marriage are my vows. The rest we make up and change as we go. It's actually a lot of fun and is very exciting.

 

Oh! And we talk.

[knabe]

If it were me as I am today, I'd ask her if I could join in and see where it went.

 

If it were me 10 years ago, I would feel hurt and withdraw.

 

I like me better today.

 

My wife has toys and I use them on her. It's cool.

 

My only rules in my marriage are my vows. The rest we make up and change as we go. It's actually a lot of fun and is very exciting.

 

Oh! And we talk.

 

So if your spouse continually rejected your advances WHILE consistently using sex toys instead, you'd feel no resentment or rejection, you'd go buy her some more and use them? You would validate her rejection of you?

 

I'm not buying. And you didn't answer my question about being the OP's spouse.

[JHandy]

J Handy, are you the OP's husband? You seem very invested in sympathizing with him.

 

Nope. 10 years ago, I was kinda almost totally like him.

 

My ex and I lived as what is being recommended and there was a lot of judgement and we got a divorce. I lost everything including my kids and the depths I was at then got much deeper. I went from a house and land to one room in a boarding house.

 

I'm happy today so it was worth it. I don't look back.

 

I'm hoping to provide some insite for this lady.

[SammySammy]

Question: If a woman used sex toys INSTEAD of having sex with her partner and was in fact DENYING her partner sex and affection and was using sex toys instead, what would your advice be?

 

I am not anti-man. In fact, most feminists hate me because I think we SHOULD be respecting men more. I am engaged to a man, and he is a wonderful man.

 

The issue here is NOT that all us vagina-bearers hate porn. It is that it is patently WRONG to deny your partner sex and affection while spanking it to strange women DAILY instead. It just is. Period.

 

I can agree with this.

 

I don't have a problem with porn or masturbation. I've often watched porn and masturbated WITH my woman. That's not an issue.

 

Denying a partner sex in a committed relationship, especially in a marriage, is a serious problem though.

 

My point is you have to get to the bottom of the issue. Find the real reason and address it.

 

I agree with Michelle that telling a woman to make all of these changes often doesn't work because it often doesn't address the real issue. It may not be about makeup, lingerie, and all of that stuff.

 

Whatever it is, it needs to be worked out. Intimacy and sex are fundamental parts of committed relationships. Forcing one party to go without is unacceptable as far as I'm concerned.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I actually very much agree with you and side with you with regards to your marriage. With all due respect, I believe the guy was a creep. And I believe he was abisive to you. The difference between you and this lady is you tried and tried in a huge way and he did actually rejected you. He didn't deserve you.

 

I have lived like her husband. And while we are all assuming, I can say with personal experience what may be happening with him.

 

The error I see here is trying to fit everyone in a single box.

 

I don't know, but her husband may be like yours and in that case she needs to leave him now. But knowing what we all know he may be more like me 10 years ago. Who knows. We are all just assuming stuff and fitting the two people in boxes we make for them. I don't think that's fair.

 

I understand your situation and am happy for you that you moved on. You didn't need to do the stuff you did to compete. Your interest alone should have been enough.

 

Her husbands situation has a lot to do with resentment and a bit of self hate. He's withdrawn. When I was in this state my wife at the time and I did have infrequent sex. Just like this couple. It wasn't great. Porn wasn't great. But she wanted sex once a month. I wanted it every day. I was rejected with every attemp until I stopped trying. He's not rejecting her every time. They are having sex - just infrequent unfulfilled sex.

 

I know in my personal situation if my wife did as I said before, my interests would have sparked. Maybe it will with this guy. Who knows. Neither you or I know. And we shouldn't assume. I'm just making a recommendation to cincider.

 

They way to a man's heart is the stomach as they say, but we all know there is something far more powerful to "exploit" to get there faster.

 

And history and literature and theater and movies and TV have told the story a million times over.

 

Your husband didn't see the gen he had even when you perfected yourself in front of him. (Excuse me for saying that - I mean no disrespect - I'm trying to make my point more bluntly). And it's totally his loss.

 

Her husband isn't seeing anything right now and she needs to use shock and awe to wake him up. And she is her most powerful weapon. At first she could shock him by doing something like I said before. With no pressure she can keep the game going until he starts awing her.

 

Porn isn't the thing here. It's just the tool. I'm certain she can take back real estate in his mind.

 

If not - she has a lot more information she needs to move on without making terrible assumptions.

 

Thank you but I need to state that despite how things turned out with my ex hubby, he wasn't a bad man nor abusive. In fact, he is a very good man with a huge heart and would take a bullet for anyone he loved. He was and still is a great provider, he was just really really bad at being an attentive husband. We've all made peace with that.

 

Some of that was my fault looking back at signs long before we were married. But that's what being young and naive and full of hope and romantic notions does to you. Lesson learned.

 

 

As for the OP's hubby, perhaps this situation is different as you said and maybe all he needs is a 'wake up call'. But again, having gone through my own experiences which led me to do my own research and join groups and forums where I got to chat with many people in the same or similar boat as a way to cope and understand, even if his elevated interest in porn was a result of his ongoing resentment towards his wife, when one does something long enough it inevitably becomes part of one's tapestry. Meaning, he may be too far down the rabbit hole by now.

 

If that is the case, professional therapy is about the only thing that has a chance at helping the situation. Had she addressed things sooner, when she felt the shift beginning, perhaps may have been a better time.

 

And you're right, it's impossible to box everyone and every experience up in the same box. Far too many variables at play which is why we provide the answer we provide. Different experiences and points of views provides the OP with options and opportunity to pick and choose what she thinks makes sense and resonates with her and her specific situation.

 

Isn't that what forums are all about at their core?

Edited August 2, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[JHandy]

So if your spouse continually rejected your advances WHILE consistently using sex toys instead, you'd feel no resentment or rejection, you'd go buy her some more and use them? You would validate her rejection of you?

 

I'm not buying. And you didn't answer my question about being the OP's spouse.

 

If she rejected me as I tried to join her, then yes, there is a problem.

 

I have bought my wife toys. We have great sex. We even masturbate together. And we watch dirty movies together. We drink wine together.

 

We don't limit each other.

 

The OP says they have sex - but quick sex. Yes he rejects her. But there is a lot going on here.

 

As I understand she wants to know why he can spend what she believes to be an hour each night with porn but only a few minutes with her when he's not pushing her away.

 

I'm trying desperately to answer that question with my experience.

 

I've answered your question.

 

My question is why go to a stream of unnecessary assumptions rather than work with what the OP said?