Husband masturbating to photos of women he knows - doesn't want sex

[BeachLover88]

I've been with my husband (married for a year come August) for 9 years. We have a son who is 5 and he's a fantastic dad. But he has little to no interest in having sex with me or touching me in a sexual way. He's affectionate in terms of wanting to give me a hug or a cuddle or a kiss on the head etc. But nothing really more than that. When I've bought it up in the past he always says things like he doesn't have a high sex drive or he doesn't think there's a problem. This has been going on for about 6 years now.

 

I'd say we have sex once a month, if I'm lucky. And I can only really get him to have sex if I perform oral sex on him first. I do not believe that he's cheating or having an affair. But I know that he watches porn and masturbates to photos of girls (both that he knows and others that he has never met but just follows) on instagram. And it's been destroying me for a long time to know about it. I have bought it up in the past and he apologies and says he'll stop. We are on holiday at the moment and I've been trying to initiate sex, but he's not interested.

 

So I went on his phone and he's been liking/searching for photos of naked girls on instagram (it was some nudist profile he searched for and liked a picture on there) while I'm lying in bed desperate to have sex with him and I just broke down. Told him how it makes me feel (even though I've told him all this before and asked him not to follow girls he doesn't know and to stop wanking over photos of girls he does - I don't understand why anyone would do that at all!! I've told him previously I don't have a problem with porn, it's the fact that we don't have a sex life that makes it a problem.

 

I understand lots of people watch porn and I understand that it's normal to masturbates, it's also normal though in my opinion to have sex with your wife and not treat her like a companion rather than a partner). I told him that I can't go on and it's absolutely destroying me. Firstly he said he didn't mean to like the picture on instagram and he was just looking at the photos. Couldn't tell me why he searched for that person only that he wanted to have a look. He got really upset. Told me how sorry he was.

 

How he didn't realise how awful I felt and said if the tables were turned he wouldn't be able to cope with it and would be so angry and upset all the time. Promised to work on is and make changes. Told me he loved me countless times. He says it's never a case of picking them over me and he doesn't know why he doesn't want to have sex he's just not interested and he's sorry. And the past few days have Been better and I've noticed him trying.

 

But then Wednesday morning I asked him to show me his phone and he'd liked a selfie of a girl he knows from school but doesn't talk to and hasn't seen for approx 10 years and some other girl who is a professional mountain biker who he follows but obviously hasn't met, she uploaded a photo of herself like a full length one and he messaged her "". I obviously was devastated because we'd just talked about it, everything he'd said and promised two days before was clearly a lie. I feel sick with it all now. His answer was simply, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I did it" and that he needs to respect the boundaries of our relationship.

 

For me this isn't a case of boundaries anymore, this isn't a case of me being angry because he's liked a picture or messaged some girl, it's that he's done it after I've bared my heart and soul to him and explained how these things make me feel and he's promised me the earth but gone and done it anyway. Believe me I know how ridiculous this sounds.

 

I'm aware that I'm nearly 30 and I sound like a 15 year old crying over her crush who isn't interested. I know it's beyond ridiculous really.

Edited July 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

I am sorry but after 9 years, sex with you is something he doesn't want to do and no amount of "baring your soul" will induce him to become your perfect lover and forget about masturbating to other women.

It is just not IMO going to happen.

He has 6 years under his belt of duty sex and fantasy masturbation, he is not going to change anytime soon, and why would he?

He, I guess stopped seeing you as a a sexual being as soon as you got pregnant with your 5 year old.

I am not absolutely sure he is not cheating either, he may be.

Too many women come here and say "My husband is definitely not cheating," when with some serious investigating they find out otherwise...

 

Why did you marry a man who for the past 5 years did not want to have sex with you?

[JHandy]

A lot of advise people get here in these situations is pretty standard. It starts off with a harsh evaluation of the cheating spouse and then a call for divorce.

 

I don't disagree with the assessment but very few people address the option of wanting to move forward with the relationship intact.

 

You and him are in different worlds. You're not really married anymore.

 

He's not going to change in his own. You can change a lot if you wish to.

 

Your husband is totally desensitized because of heavy porn use and his online cheating (and yes, masturbating to women he knows is kinda like emotional cheating - sorta)

 

You need to ask yourself what do you want and be honest with yourself.

 

A lot of spouses here see this kinda thing but still wants to stay with their spouse. If you really want this, you need to do the heavy lifting to get him back to you.

 

The only person you can change in a marriage is you. He won't. At least if there is nothing that forces him to want to.

 

He likes porn. You don't seem to mind his porn viewing. So porn isn't the issue. The issue is he does it a lot and without you. Could you ease him into you watching with him. I've kinda been where he is with porn at least and I know he feels shame. I don't think it's good, to make him feel more shamed. You can accept that and try to watch with him. Tell him the things you like and what you would like to do with him.

 

I think when it comes to marriage all sex stuff needs to be shared experiences. If he watches porn you should as well with him.

 

With the viewing pics of women he knows or following profiles , that needs to stop. I don't know how you can do that. I think in time as he starts to see you in a more sexy way, he may not need that. But I think you need to tell him to stop that and be firm. Other approaches are to ask him what he likes about the women. Get him to open up with you about it without shaming him. If you know what he likes, maybe you can roll play with him using those things as props. Does he like a particular type of lingerie? Short shorts? Revealing things?

 

Try being interested in a sexy way and ease him back to you playfully.

 

It can work. As he takes this journey let him know you are his one and only and you would like him to be your one and only.

 

Otherwise what these other people are saying is 100% the truth.

 

In any option you follow, you should never sell yourself out. If you divorce there are better options out there for you. If you stay with him, you both have a lot of work to do.

[Bastile]

I think that when you give people warning after warning after warning, they lose respect for you.

 

I think there are a lot of men on here that you can read where they wish their partner would have been as direct and had just even a small measure of the patience over issues as you have shown here. The simple fact is that the guy doesn't care or value it.

 

You can't really force someone to care though. And I wouldn't waste anymore time doing so. It would be time for an ultimatum.

[Lily blue]

Hi

I m sorry you are going through this...some men are just selfish.

I have been there. I ex husband was like that...for 24 years.

He masturbate over porn, magazines and all.

Made me feel so miserable all the time.

I m always been thin and i get hit on by guys all the time young and old and he hates it if guy hit on me or stare at me when we are out but he has no interest in sex and if we do it, he say something like this....lets get it over with it or if you be good girl, I reward you...meaning sex.

He never change or stop even he begs for forgiveness and told me he will stop but 24 years never have stopped.

 

Guy just think we are going to stick around and forgive all the time and he think I cannot live without him.....ha

 

He is overweight and not even attractive to me but he was my husband I stood by him sake of our kids and we are poor living paycheck to pay check and then, I was on three weeks vacation and visit South Korea with my family and when I came back things are way too different and found out he was having affair with new co worker he was training.....I found on his computer and emails and Facebook messages that he and her share along with exchange naked pictures and her boyfriend came to my work to show me....

Anyway, I ask for a divorce and guess what?

That was best thing ever...I feel free and alive...I wish I had left sooner.

I live very happy life...my kids told me the same thing I should have left him long a go and my kids are ok with it and happy for me and told me never to date or get marry a men like their dad!

Edited July 30, 2017 by Lily blue

[sandylee1]

He's no longer sexually interested in you, matter what he tells you.

 

He has sexual desire, but not for you. The longer you stay, the more your self esteem and self confidence will be destroyed. Also equating to more time to get over it and more apprehension with future relationships.

 

Move to a coparent relationship with him in readiness to exit.

 

If not, you are risking your mental health and well-being.

[PegNosePete]

I think that when you give people warning after warning after warning, they lose respect for you.

Exactly. You have talked and talked and talked, and he has promised and promised and promised, but nothing ever comes of it. He gets busted, promises again and is happy for another month until you bust him again. He repeats the cycle because he's happy with it. Why do YOU keep repeating the same cycle?

 

He knows full well that the price of breaking the promise will be... ZERO. He knows all that will happen is that you talk to him again, he promises again, and he's set for another month.

 

He sees no consequences to breaking the promise, therefore the promise is worthless.

 

Yes, time for an ultimatum. I wouldn't call it an ultimatum though, call it one last chance. Tell him if you catch him doing this one more time then your marriage is over.

 

You should also get into marriage counselling if you want to save your marriage. He says he doesn't know why he does this. If he doesn't know then how does he intent to find out, and change?

[stillafool]

OP, what do you look like? Have you stayed in shape?

[knabe]

OP, what do you look like? Have you stayed in shape?

 

Does the answer to this question excuse his behavior?

[stillafool]

Does the answer to this question excuse his behavior?

 

Absolutely not. I'm trying to understand why he doesn't want sex with his wife.

[anika99]

There are real psychological reasons for your husband's behaviour and feelings that no amount of talking is going to change. You can't talk a person into feeling sexual desire for you.

 

It sounds like your husband stopped seeing you as a woman once you became pregnant. Now he views you has a mother and care giver. Kind of a Madonna thing. Their are couples therapists who specialize in sexual issues in the marriage. I would suggest that you insist that your husband attend therapy with you. If he refuses then your only options are to stay and accept this soul destroying situation or leave. There is no point in continuing to discuss this with him. It isn't going to change without professional help and maybe not even then but it's worth a try before you throw in the towel.

[jenkins95]

BL88, I'm so sorry to hear of this awful situation that you find yourself in. Life can be truly cruel and unfair sometimes and you truly don't deserve this.

 

Whilst people do worst things (I had an affair, which most people would consider worse), there is something very troubling and disturbing about his behaviour. I am very lucky to be in reconciliation with my wife after my affair, but I think that if, instead of an affair, she'd caught me masterbating over photos of girls that we knew, I think our marriage may have died then and there. Whatever her reaction would have been, I'd have been so utterly embarrassed and ashamed that I don't think I could ever have looked her in the eye again.

 

I think that some other posters have hit on something when they say that he hasn't had to suffer any consequences, just you expressing your dissatisfaction, him promising... And failing to stop. I think you need to lay it out in no uncertain terms that this has to stop forever and immediately if he values your marriage. I was very rightly given a very hard time when my infidelity came to light. It was just what I needed and was a good test of our marriage. If I couldn't take it or didn't value our marriage enough to be humble and work like crazy, then I would have walked away and saved us both further wasted effort. I took the other path and reinvested 1000% into the marriage - and it's going great. I think your husband needs to know exactly how much he's hurt you and how close he is to losing you forever.

 

Good luck. Keep the posting

Edited July 31, 2017 by jenkins95

[JHandy]

There are real psychological reasons for your husband's behaviour and feelings that no amount of talking is going to change. You can't talk a person into feeling sexual desire for you.

 

I almost agree with this. Almost. If there are undisclosed or undiscovered sexual compatibilities, they should be sought out first. They may not exist, and then you are totally right. But trying to pursue things further by putting everything on the table for discussion may reveal exciting things that may revive attraction. Attraction is discovered! If the relationship is dead, then there is nothing to lose to fully lay it all out.

 

It sounds like your husband stopped seeing you as a woman once you became pregnant. Now he views you has a mother and care giver. Kind of a Madonna thing. Their are couples therapists who specialize in sexual issues in the marriage. I would suggest that you insist that your husband attend therapy with you. If he refuses then your only options are to stay and accept this soul destroying situation or leave. There is no point in continuing to discuss this with him. It isn't going to change without professional help and maybe not even then but it's worth a try before you throw in the towel.

 

I think your first sentence is absolutely true. I know I felt this way in my first marriage. My second marriage, when my wife was pregnant we kept the sex going with equal vigor. Even after the birth when we were tired we gave each other pleasure in the ways we could under doctor's orders - ahem.

 

Though couples therapy is a great idea, she getting into his groove could wake the guy up. They need to find their new compatibility. It may be there. If not, she can exit knowing there was nothing connecting them.

 

When my first wife and I split, we ended up doing the things we refused to do with each other. That's true with friends of mine as well. More than likely this woman will let her guard down in the next marriage and be more open to things

 

I believe these two are in a very bad way. The big thing for them - while they are still married - is to find what exists between them. I think if she has some secret kinkiness that could be compatible with his less secret kinkiness, they could come together and his needs for the other stuff will abate automatically.

 

That theory proved very true in my current marriage. My wife was always hot. But we recently explored our secret kinkiness, and whoa, she's much hotter. And our sex is more awesome.