Why Can't I Let Go?

[movingon82]

I have been in a healthy relationship with a man I've known for years for about 3 years, but recently I was sent for a tailspin. My ex-husband recently moved to the same city (we share numerous friends and I'm still close with his sister) as us and I can't help but think about him and our life together. We were married for all of five years, together for five before that and I considered him the great love of my life. By no means does that mean it was healthy. We both cheated on eachother early in our relationship and began our relationship while he was in a relationship with someone else. But, that wasn't what broke us -- instead it was his commitment to work and his inability to understand why I couldn't move on after a late miscarriage. I filed for divorce, rarely spoke to him again and moved on (fairly quickly) with my partner who had been one of our good friends for years. I know why I ended things and I still believe it was the best possible choice for my sanity, but I can't stop thinking about him and the life we could have had if things had different. I can tell my partner senses something is different and lately he's been stressing a desire for more commitment, for children and I feel myself pulling away. Am I self-sabotaging our relationship? How can I make this go away?

[forgiven1]

Before making a decision- weigh all aspects otherwise you may find yourself asking what could've been and not enjoying what you have.

I divorced after 19 years of marriage- much of it sounds like why you divorced (a hardened heart)- but I remarried before I completely weighed all aspects- I found myself wondering did I give up too quickly and tearing our family apart and so much more. I've come to realize today nothing was healthy about that marriage and the divorce and my remarriage is best. Until you deal with the past can you move forward- so whether it's your ex or your current (healthy relationship) make a a list of pros and cons- what needs to be addressed and forgiven and don't make a decision based on could've been, seek godly counsel- maybe you're forgetting something or maybe you still long for the husband you loved and never stopped loving- Time can heal all wounds and life can be better than before- if that is what is best for you both.

Praying for you and the wisdom you need to make these decisions. which man pursues you- which man cherishes you- which man puts God before you(those are the pros to weigh).

 

 

 

• 
  

 

I have been in a healthy relationship with a man I've known for years for about 3 years, but recently I was sent for a tailspin. My ex-husband recently moved to the same city (we share numerous friends and I'm still close with his sister) as us and I can't help but think about him and our life together. We were married for all of five years, together for five before that and I considered him the great love of my life. By no means does that mean it was healthy. We both cheated on eachother early in our relationship and began our relationship while he was in a relationship with someone else. But, that wasn't what broke us -- instead it was his commitment to work and his inability to understand why I couldn't move on after a late miscarriage. I filed for divorce, rarely spoke to him again and moved on (fairly quickly) with my partner who had been one of our good friends for years. I know why I ended things and I still believe it was the best possible choice for my sanity, but I can't stop thinking about him and the life we could have had if things had different. I can tell my partner senses something is different and lately he's been stressing a desire for more commitment, for children and I feel myself pulling away. Am I self-sabotaging our relationship? How can I make this go away?

[salparadise]

Trust, respect, congruity are necessary for a successful marriage (by most people's definition anyway). You never had that with the ex-husband because it was born of deception and cheating, and then you did the same thing to each other. How could you even consider going back to that when you're in a healthy (by your proclamation) relationship that does contain those essential elements.

 

Do you love the new boyfriend? That's an important thing to understand. You said: "but I can't stop thinking about him and the life we could have had if things had different." It's also important to understand that things aren't different and never will be. Your opportunity cost worry is actually a fantasy that will never exist in reality. Yea, maybe you did have a high degree of attraction and infatuation, but that doesn't make it real or feasible.

 

Yes, I think you're self-sabbotaging. Invest in your future and quit ruminating about what might have been if the impossible were possible.

[stillafool]

I have been in a healthy relationship with a man I've known for years for about 3 years, but recently I was sent for a tailspin. My ex-husband recently moved to the same city (we share numerous friends and I'm still close with his sister) as us and I can't help but think about him and our life together. We were married for all of five years, together for five before that and I considered him the great love of my life. By no means does that mean it was healthy. We both cheated on eachother early in our relationship and began our relationship while he was in a relationship with someone else. But, that wasn't what broke us -- instead it was his commitment to work and his inability to understand why I couldn't move on after a late miscarriage. I filed for divorce, rarely spoke to him again and moved on (fairly quickly) with my partner who had been one of our good friends for years. I know why I ended things and I still believe it was the best possible choice for my sanity, but I can't stop thinking about him and the life we could have had if things had different. I can tell my partner senses something is different and lately he's been stressing a desire for more commitment, for children and I feel myself pulling away. Am I self-sabotaging our relationship? How can I make this go away?

 

Yes you are. You are just being nostalgic. Your Ex hubby more than likely does not feel the same way about you so don't let your thoughts keep you stuck in the past. Life has move on and so have you and your ex. It would be healthy for your relationship to stop all contact with your ex's family. You do not need to know what is going on with your ex.