Married 5 months and his female friends won't let go

[SunGenie]

My husband of 5 months has a LOT of female friends. We dated a year and got married 5 months ago. Many of these so called "friends" freaked out when he announced he was dating me and it got worse when we got engaged. Most of these women are married which makes it all more bizarre, one is a younger single mom with a kid.

 

 

My husband portrayed himself to me as a lonely single guy who hasn't had and intimate relationship in years. He struggles with erectile dysfunction so he became these women's knight in shining armor, "go-to guy", subsitute husband or boyfriend when they needed one. He loaned money to these women, help them move, took them places, bought them presents, anything they wanted. He said he never got true friendship in return, they have just used him and never wanted a relationship (but at the same time maybe they did, he just kept them at a distance due to his erectile dysfunction ED.

 

 

So he met me, we dated long distance for a year. It was great, I didn't know much about these female friends except he kept saying they were just "friends". He has no male friends but one guy and even he got jealous when I came into the picture and tried breaking us up.

 

 

My husband asked me to marry him on his birthday. I moved from another state to his state, we live in a beautiful area that is a resort town. The older crowd is wealthy and the men cheat like crazy. The women are just as bad. My husband has lived here for over 20 years and knows EVERYONE.

 

 

I had no clue how bad the gossip was down here and how all these women have relied on my husband for "favors". There have been six women to date who refused to acknowledge me as his fiance and kept pursuing him, texting him, calling him. I discovered all this after I moved here. We go out to dinner and a waitress will say hi to him and them to me "Oh, I can't remember...have I met you before? I think I have". It is literally non stop. I packed my car twice to leave this relationship and go back home because I can't deal with the fact he is so many women's cabana boy down here. He is 60, has a boat and his boat was his weapon to get women to like him. Sunset cruise with me baby, come aboard.

 

 

I know he loves me, the men down here have all said "Wow, you must be special we were wondering if he'd ever settle down". Gee thanks.

 

 

My husband told me for months he never dated, never went to bars, was looking for love and just had women friends, he was lonely. That obviously has NOT been the case! These women (mostly married) have relied on my husband for emotional and monitary needs, he has provided it, he enjoys the attention and being Mr. Nice Guy.

 

 

Now that we are married and living together, these women have NO respect for me or the fact we are married. One texted him last night that she misses his friendship and thinks of him often. This girl hasn't spoken to him in over 10 months and just pops up out of the blue? I don't understand why these women are obsessed with him and have no respect that we are married and can't stay in their own damn lane.

 

 

He texted back to this girl "I am in love and happily married, life is good". She got mad and texted back "I guess I've never been SOOOO in love I give up my friends in the process". I guess she has no idea that when a man gets married he isn't your cabana boy anymore.

 

 

We got into a HUGE fight, I can't control my jealousy and anger at this point, I've been patient and kind to all these people when I've met them but they just won't back off and leave him alone. My fuse was lit and I exploded last night. He just sits back and enjoys the show of women fighting over him.

 

 

We have gone to counseling over this and the counselor, a male, said "Don't let them get to you, you WON!". The problem is, I didn't know I was competing against other women to begin with. I thought my husband was single, not a womanizer about town playing knight in shining armour to every damn damsel in distress on this litte tropical island.

 

 

I'm resenting him because I have to wonder, why are these women so obsessed with wanting his friendship knowing we are married and why can't he slam the door on them and tell them to back off. He says he refuses to do that, that the best way is to just tell them he loves me and is happily married and leave it at that. Problem is, that is not getting the message across to them, they keep plotting ways to come back and contact him and get his attention.

 

 

What am I doing wrong? My jealousy, insecurity and anger is getting the best of me and what is scaring me is, I was a very independent and succesful, confident woman before I married him. Now I'm a crying wreck constanty having to ask him "Who is this one now and what does she want and why is she contacting you?". He can't have sex due to his ED so I think he formed these relationships to feed his ego and keep them all at arms length (which just made them want him more).

 

 

We are intimate in other ways but I miss not being able to have a normal sexual relationship with a man and the fact all this is going on with him, I have asked my good friends and they are at a loss at to what to tell me.

 

 

My husband is a wonderful caring man, I love him but I can't handle so many women (it's like a revolving door) who seem obsessed with wanting him to continue his friendship with them. They only want what he was giving them, he was in the hospital a while back before we met and none of these women sent flowers or cared if he was ok. Only one did and she freaked out when he met me and she begged him to marry him. Prior to that she only wanted his friendship, told him she did not want a romantic relationship.

 

 

He provided a lot of support to these women but none of them ever wanted a relationship with him until....I came into the picture. Now it's been insane the tactics they are pulling to get his attention. He won't do anything to stop it, just lets it all happen and then politely tells them he is happy with me. This just encourages them more.

 

 

What am I doing wrong? I'm becoming an emotional wreck and suspicious evertime he gets a text and walks outside to respond or gets a phone call and ignores it. I have caught him in several lies about these women, they contacted me on FB for friend requests and seem obsessed with us. I want nothing to do with any of them.

 

 

Help! This is tough and I'm in a foreign land with no friends here, all his friends are out to destroy us so they can have their "go-to guy" back. Even his only male best friend has been extremely rude to me (called me twice by another girls name and told my husband he is **ssy whipped now. These so called friends of his are ruthless. I tried being friends with everyone he has introduced me to and have been rewarded with snobbiness and disrespect. The counselor we saw says "YOU won him, you should just laugh at the spectacle these people are causing".

 

 

I can't, it's hurtful. My friends have never done anything like this. They have only wished us well and been respectful and kind. What am I doing wrong and what am I missing? Is my husband keeping the lane open for these women and maybe keeping in touch with them behind my back? He swears he doesn't contact any of them but back when we were dating he said the same thing then sent flowers to one of them when her mom passed (the one who wanted to marry him). He had swore he had no further contact with her, she posted the flowers and card on her FB page for me to see. I showed him and his face went white. So after that lie it's been hard to fully trust him.

 

 

Help! Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

[preraph]

As someone who was in love with a guy with ED who wouldn't even try to have sex with me but didn't tell me about his condition, I can only sympathize with some of these women who are probably really baffled about why their relationship with him never went anywhere. I don't like the money giving either. A wife of one of my exes recently told me an incident he gave money to this little jerk who used to work with us, and that money is legally half yours.

 

But I'm thinking the women are just confused. Plus he has a boat and people with boats get a lot of "friends" and he likes that. Honestly, I would tell him stop handing out money and that he needs to beware because if one of them oversteps, you are outta there. I wouldn't expect him to give up any friends since none of them were apparently anything but friends, but if any disrespect you blatantly, maybe something more than the waitress who may not be as focused on you or him as you think, tell him you won't put up with it and if he doesn't set up some boundaries, you will.

 

I used to be pretty good at running aggressive women off, but don't just run off all his friends, just the ones who are really being rude and having no boundaries, and realize this is his fault for not setting any boundaries.

 

Good luck.

[BaileyB]

I'm assuming that you knew about his female friends before you were married, so what did you think would change after you were married?

 

Don't get me wrong - I think their behavior toward you is inappropriate and your husband needs to set some better boundaries. I just think that you must have known going in that this could be a problem...

[mikeylo]

Annulment is the answer.

[dichotomy]

Its very strange - sexless second husband/other man to these woman? Is this womanizing if there is no sex and nothing he gets from them ? Sounds like he was being used - not them.

 

Are you 100% sure there is no sex ever ?

 

Yes women (and men) can become very competitive. Particularly women.

 

First off he can change is phone and emails and things - no more texts and calls.

 

He can also work harder to protect you. But it sounds like he is trying to tell them he is happy and married and does not want a relationship with them. He is not sneaking around right? Being open and honest now ?

 

Did you know about the ED before hand - I am not clear on that. If he hid that from you - then that is grounds for divorce in my mind.

 

I can offer some empathy. My wife had many male "friends" I met with her when dating and engaged to her - little did I know she had sex with most of them - and they wanted it to restart and did not like me. You can bet after my discovery day they all (but one) were cut off.

Edited July 31, 2017 by dichotomy

[Scarlett.O'hara]

My advice would be to stick with counseling for now. If you don't feel the right vibe with the current one, then find someone else who "gets it".

 

In regards to your relationship, I think you need to insist that you reach a compromise about the situation or be prepared to walk. I think it is serious enough to warrant that if he isn't willing to change things.

 

It sounds like you sacrificed a lot to be with him, so I don't blame you for having second thoughts about the relationship. You also need to consider whether it is too damaging to stay in a relationship that constantly triggers negative emotions in you because they can have lasting effects.

 

If he has been single for a long time and used to things being a certain way then change can be difficult so you need to allow for that. However, if he values your relationship then he has to be willing to compromise and make more of an effort by setting strong boundaries with other women (no more flowers!).

 

Give yourself a time frame and see if things improve. If he doesn't make an effort to change then it might be time to part ways. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

 

All the best.

[sandylee1]

He needs to tell them all to respect you as his wife and if they can't do that, then he can't be friends with them, if they're disrespectful to you.

[darkmoon]

get out while you have your youth

 

a pretty lady can have most all the men she likes, at 64, I know how popular youth is (with a few exceptions, ok) once you are old, you will know too

 

he might have been great to date, but not to marry

 

he is a torturer, and I am sorry for you

Edited July 31, 2017 by darkmoon

[ExpatInItaly]

Your husband sounds like a total player, OP - albeit a 60-year-old player.

 

I honestly find his behaviour very shady. He'd been engaging with married women, being their side-piece and giving them money and attention. What kind of agenda was this guy running? Are you sure he's never slept with any of them? I find that hard to believe, despite what he tells you about his ED. The level of derision and jealousy exhibited by several women indicates you're probably not getting the full story here.

 

He seems to enjoy the idea of women fighting over him, which is a big red flag. Yes, it's good he told them he's married and he loves you, but he could be doing a lot more to cut them off.

 

How much time had you actually spent together in person before agreeing to marry him? It sounds like you didn't know him very well, unfortunately.

[BettyDraper]

Your husband sounds like a total player, OP - albeit a 60-year-old player.

 

I honestly find his behaviour very shady. He'd been engaging with married women, being their side-piece and giving them money and attention. What kind of agenda was this guy running? Are you sure he's never slept with any of them? I find that hard to believe, despite what he tells you about his ED. The level of derision and jealousy exhibited by several women indicates you're probably not getting the full story here.

 

He seems to enjoy the idea of women fighting over him, which is a big red flag. Yes, it's good he told them he's married and he loves you, but he could be doing a lot more to cut them off.

 

How much time had you actually spent together in person before agreeing to marry him? It sounds like you didn't know him very well, unfortunately.

 

This. All of these women were married yet they were receiving money and gifts from a single guy? Where are their husbands in all of this? There's no way my husband would tolerate another man giving me cash and presents. The cattiness towards you from these women is also a red flag and so is the fact that your husband isn't cutting them off.

 

Something in the milk ain't clean.

[JS84]

Seen this before. Honestly those women probably aren't interested in him at all. I mean they might be now or think they are since it's clear he's technically unavailable. I bet you if you left him tomorrow and he was suddenly single he'd be just as alone as he was before.

 

I imagine most of those women don't even want a relationship with him, they just don't want to see him with anyone. I've had female friends sabotage their guy friend's relationships, not because they liked the guy but because they either didn't like his partner (which wasn't the case often and if it was it wasn't personal, they wouldn't approve of any partner) or they wanted him to be perpetually available on the sidelines for their own sense of comfort. But doesn't mean they wanted him for themselves romantically or even sexually. They want their always single, male provider who they had all to themselves exclusively back.

 

I really doubt you're doing anything wrong, it just sounds like you married an individual in a somewhat insular community that you aren't a part of (yet).

 

There might not be much you can do personally. A lot of this is on him. If he refuses to set boundaries now that he's married you're either going to have to tolerate it or start planning an exit strategy.

 

Maybe try getting him to read the book "Not Just Friends". Forgot who wrote it but I've heard good things.

Edited August 2, 2017 by JS84

[mikeylo]

Seen this before. Honestly those women probably aren't interested in him at all. I mean they might be now or think they are since it's clear he's technically unavailable. I bet you if you left him tomorrow and he was suddenly single he'd be just as alone as he was before.

 

I imagine most of those women don't even want a relationship with him, they just don't want to see him with anyone. I've had female friends sabotage their guy friend's relationships, not because they liked the guy but because they either didn't like his partner (which wasn't the case often and if it was it wasn't personal, they wouldn't approve of any partner) or they wanted him to be perpetually available on the sidelines for their own sense of comfort. But doesn't mean they wanted him for themselves romantically or even sexually. They want their always single, male provider who they had all to themselves exclusively back.

 

I really doubt you're doing anything wrong, it just sounds like you married an individual in a somewhat insular community that you aren't a part of (yet).

 

There might not be much you can do personally. A lot of this is on him. If he refuses to set boundaries now that he's married you're either going to have to tolerate it or start planning an exit strategy.

 

Maybe try getting him to read the book "Not Just Friends". Forgot who wrote it but I've heard good things.

 

This is on spot.

 

The thing is that the guy in this position is so cloudy in the head because of the influence that its very difficult for him to see through all this. He is practically just being used and doesn't know.

 

OP, its all on him to see through this or not. Your only options are that he gets rid of them or you get rid of him.

[JHandy]

He married you. He needs to honor that commitment.

 

These friends if they are friends should accept you no matter what and give you space.

 

He needs to set the boundaries with them.

 

It seems like he's choosing them over you a good part of the time.

 

You don't have the right to alter his friendships. But he has the obligation to lift you above them you aren't just another one of his buddies. You are his wife.

 

That does change things.

 

I like what another poster said. Either he focuses on you and ditch them or you ditch him. They are a problem and he's not there for you.

[Bella_Lee]

Hi, I don't think you are doing anything wrong but unfortunately it does look like your husband didn't tell you the whole story of his life before he met you.

I do understand that feeling and state of mind when you are with someone you love but not able to totally trust what they are saying.

Marriage Counselling can be very helpful when you find the right professional to help you. You might have to consider looking for another therapist if you are not happy.

I think for a marriage to work, both parties have to be committed to protecting and setting boundaries around the relationship. I suggest you sit down with husband and ask him if he is willing to do this. I wish you all the best.

[knabe]

I'm assuming that you knew about his female friends before you were married, so what did you think would change after you were married?

 

Don't get me wrong - I think their behavior toward you is inappropriate and your husband needs to set some better boundaries. I just think that you must have known going in that this could be a problem...

 

Did you read her entire post? I'm guessing not since she made it abundantly clear that he underplayed the "friends" big time.

[d0nnivain]

Read the Art of War. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

 

 

Befriend these women, superficially. Take one out to lunch & pump her for information. Keep doing this. Stake your claim so they all know you are his Wife & Queen Bee.

 

 

The counselor is correct. You are letting them get to you. He had them at his beck & call but chose an LDR then proposed to you, not them. His response to the woman who texted seems quite respectful to you & put the other women squarely in her place. It's wrong for you to be mad at him for her behavior. He seems to be trying to put a stop to their reaching out. You have to find a way to ignore them & let it roll off your back.

[SunGenie]

I did know about his ED but when we were dating he did take Viagra and we were able to somewhat fool around several times.