Divorce or not?

[sylviaguardian]

I have been posting previously on the infidelity board but feel like I have turned a corner and need some input on my situation. I found out last year that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague which had been going on for about 3 years. We have only been married for 8. It took a long time for the affair to become a PA but inevitably it did.

 

It then took a further 9 months for me to get most of the truth out of my husband. I felt like I was going insane. He has always stated that he did not love the OW and never wanted to leave for her but there was some contact after I found out. My husband is an emotionally distant person and admits that he kept the OW 'sweet' due to his career ambitions.

 

I strongly believe in marriage and strongly believe that it is the best thing for children (we have two) but lately the atmostphere has been so bad that I am starting to think that it is not the best thing for the children (one of my main reasons for wanting to make it work). I still don't trust him, due to the fact that everything had to be dragged out of him. He tells me the general 'story' but can't remember details. I have tried and tried to get through to him that I need to know the details to see if he is honest, but it doesn't work.

 

I have got to the point that I am so sick of this situation. His theory is that everytime we have better weeks and are closer that I draw back because I am frightened of getting hurt. My theory is more straighforward. I think his actions are not those of a nice person and I am not sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with a person who I think is not very nice. He has been trying - has started seeing a counsellor, is trying to be at home more, be more attentive etc but the truth is that a lot of the time I hate him for what he has done.

 

It seems so sad that our relationship prior to this was generally good but I feel like he has destroyed the love I had for him with his actions and his deceit since then. I have resisted the idea of separating, mainly for the kids but also because I was afraid that I might regret it. Now I am afraid that I might regret staying with him. Does anyone have any advice. It is only 5 months since I heard the latest revelation. Is it too soon to make a decision? Is there anyone who got divorced and regretted it? Or anyone who stayed with someone and regretted it?

 

I am so tired of this. Sometimes the thought of just walking away from all of this seems such an attractive option.

 

Sylvia

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Have u tried marriage counselling? It works if you both want to save the marriage deep in your hearts of hearts and can forgive him 100% for his affair. It's a very long road, one that we (me and my exH) didn't have the energy to take.

[Marshbear32]

Only you can make this decision. If the fact of the PA is to much for you to trust him again then I think your choice is clear. Kids grow up in a divorced environment all the time and, although it is not the best, it is better than the parents fighting and hating each other. It certainly would be better if you can work it out and stay married but I don't think anyone would fault you if you can't see your way clear to do this.

[Owl]

Sylvia,

 

Sorry to hear that you're still struggling. I can understand the doubts and frustration...I'm still dealing with some of those same doubts and fears myself. It feels like we've moved quickly to the 'it's over and done with' stage. I feel like I've done all the work to rebuild our marriage.

 

So I can relate friend. I don't have any sage advice (not that I ever had any really), just good wishes and prayers to you.

[hotgurl]

I have been here for a while and am familiar with your situation.

 

Can't you go away for a weekend and think. or just temporarily leave to see if you are happier. Honestly the kids will do well no matter what you decide as long as you are happy.

 

I know a lot of people stay together for the kids but I always thought that was a bs reason kids adjust. Now a days more than 1/2 kids are from separated family's.

 

The question you need to ask your self is can you love him again. and can you like him as well. He never seemed to be forthcoming with you and it always made me Suspious.

 

good luck.

[CurlyIam]

Some relationships are stong enough to resist after an affair, others aren't.

 

What I can say is that it only gets worse before it gets better. If you expect not be suffering after 6 months, that's unrealistic.

 

Look at the facts. Did he change jobs immediately after he told you about the affair? Is he willing to really communicate with you? Are you and your happiness his priority? Are the changes real? How does he deal with the guilt? does he admit that he is guilty?

 

 

A relationship after the affair is a stinky place to be in, but after a while, the bad smell goes away... only you can tell if what's causing it is still inside or it's been eliminated and you simply need more time.

[New_Wife]

Hi Sylvia,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think that, as a parent, we teach so much more by what we do than what we say or mean to do. My grandmother stayed with my grandfather after repeated affairs and physical abuse. She was a good Catholic woman, and in those days divorce was unheard of. Guess what my biological father learned? You got it - cheating and beating. Two of his 3 sisters married guys just like good old dad, and the other one went as far away as she could get from the whole family. Only one of my uncles turned out "normal". That's out of 5 kids total they had.

 

You only get one go-round on this ride (life) and no refunds. What do you want your kids to learn from your turn on it? I can't give you that answer, shoot, no one can. The only thing I can tell you is that they will learn how to treat their spouses, or be treated by them, from what you teach them. If you can patch it up and genuinely love and respect him again - they will learn forgiveness and understanding (assuming he doesn't cheat again). If you cannot - they will learn bitterness, barely existing & strain. If you forgive, but he cheats again - they will learn that duping a partner is normal.

 

Again though, only you know which you feel is likely. The one thing I would caution you is to make no decision based solely on old stereotypes of "for the kids" because that puts the pressure of your comfort or discomfort on their little shoulders. You may never say it, or even outright think it - but they will feel it & that too will effect their self-esteem. Ideas that they ruined your life would not be the most far-fetched thing that would come to them, if you do that.

 

Okay, cryptic enough? Sorry, trying to outline all possibilities without sounding like I'm pushing one or the other.

[sylviaguardian]

Wow, my head is reeling. So much to consider. I feel like Chaos on his thread - one day I want things to work, the next I want out. I am so confused.

 

What can I tell you? If I am honest, my husband has made much more of an effort than me. For me, all my energy went into picking myself up off the floor. I admit I haven't done too much to improve things, partly because I am not sure whether to stay or not. My H has tried to be honest, he is having IC, he has made more of an effort to do the things I want. He cannot change jobs yet but is looking for a new one (we cannot survive financially if he just leaves). I believe he has had NC to the OW...

 

I have so many doubts still. I suppose the thing that bugs me now is the thought of "Is this it?". Is this all I deserve in life? A husband who cheated on me. I suppose I wonder if there is something better out there and when I'm sixty, I'm going to wish I had just gone for it.

 

I am so fed up with all of this. Curly, I know it is perhaps too early to think that things will be good, but I want a life! It's been so miserable for so long...I am sick of listening to myself and my complete inability to make any decisions.

 

Owl, good to hear from you. Sorry about the doubts etc but I guess that's always going to happen. Hopefully they will lessen with time?

 

Sylvia

[Lil Honey]

Sylviaguardian:

 

I can see why you are having a hard time getting over your husband's affair. I find it hard to swallow that he said that the OW didn't mean anything when they were seeing each other for THREE years. Three months . . . Yeah . . . okay . . . maybe . . . but three YEARS? Nawwww . . .

 

I think you should sit down, draw a line down the center of a piece of paper and write Pros on one side and Cons on the other. Then, list things about your relationship on the corresponding sides. Hopefully, it will help make things clearer.

 

My decision to get divorced was based on a couple things:

 

1. Would I be happier alone? (I thought I would be, since I was so unhappy staying. Could it get worse?)

 

2. Could I get beyond not loving him? Could I fall in love with him again? (I didn't think I could even stomach the thought.)

 

3. Was there any hope left? (When there isn't a shred of hope, it's time to move on and create some on your own.)

[Ladyjane14]

I know you must be soooo tired. But I don't think you're ready for Plan D yet. It's a no-brainer when you're really ready.

 

You've been here for a while now....so I know that you know, it's something on the order of TWO YEARS for recovery from infidelity.

 

Alot of folks who choose divorce are better in only six months!

 

I'll share something with you... I would NEVER have tolerated a PA. I'd have filed at the first available opportunity, with the first lawyer who could see me! I'd have never spent the months that you have already spent eaking out the details. I'd have ripped the bonds of matrimony off like a 'well-used band-aid'.

 

I can't think of a good enough excuse for exposing the one you were supposed to love...the other parent of your CHILDREN....to the deadly STD's of the modern world. It's unconscionable.

 

Having said that, and having spent the last 16 months really working on my relationship. I can't say that I wouldn't forgive him if I found out today that my husband's EA had been more. Even in the face of my absolute certainty that I would NEVER have taken him back before.... Now, I'm not so sure that I wouldn't if I found out there had been worse.

 

I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. If I found out something bad now...it would represent 16 months of lies. But there would ALSO be 16 months of faithfulness and effort on his part to weigh in the balance.

 

You are ENTIRELY within your rights to say "Enough is Enough"....whenever you want to. Three Years is an awfully long time for a person to cheat and lie. And too often around here we see that even a really good-looking effort, is just a ruse to continue on down the cheating path for a sociopathic WS. Witness Lynnspies' thread.

 

But I'm not sure if your heart is really in Plan D yet. It would've been TOO easy for you to spare yourself all the time you've put in already. I'm not sure a person can make a decision like that without the possibility of future regret...when they're still experiencing the sadness and the loss as you are now.

 

Maybe a little more time for Sylvia to heal would be in order....and then make the big decisions. (????)

[MySugaree]

I'm your husband, sg--not literally, but figuratively. I'm traveling the road you're on. Been there, done that.

 

First, let's get something straight: your husband and his OW loved, and probably still love, each other. People don't enter into 3 year relationships because they're fond of one another. They were , and perhaps still are, lovers. Your husband kept his OW "sweet" because he loved her and the AFFAIR sex was off the charts (as it frequently is)--not because of his "career ambitions." That's BS.

 

An affair is a relationship, and like many adult relationships, it ends in stages. Although my PA ended almost 2 years ago, my ex-MW still calls me almost every day.The EA, for her, still burns bright--even in the PA's dying embers. If the OW still works with your Husband, my bet is that the EA still rages. Love dies hard--even when illicit and hurtful, and the lovebirds still hover near each other.

 

Watch your husband like a hawk.This was not only an affair, it was a shadow marriage. He told his OW everything about you and your marriage, but he will not speak of his relationship with his OW. Is this discretion a product of shame or a protectiveness concerning someone with whom he shared the most intimate details of his life and desires for 3 years? He protects her, and not you, from all the sordid details.

 

As for your options, I have been separated for about 6 months. My wife and I are almost completed an amicable divorce. We're both recovering nicely, and our older teenagers are exhibiting no ill effects at this time. It's a process.

 

You'll know when it's time to go. The fact that you posted this thread tells me that, absent a miracle, it's only a matter of time.

 

Keep your wits about you, love your kids and watch your husband. I'm not sure the big A is over.

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks guys. I feel a lot better now (not).

[New_Wife]

Sylvia, you may have written this somewhere already and I missed it - but are you seeing a counselor for yourself?

 

Perhaps that's really the best place to talk it out and see how you feel? A lot of times those folks can ask questions in a way that you have to think about something you've missed to get an answer.

[fleafly]

Hi Sylvia, sorry things have been the way they are for you. Its a good idea for you to stay away from the infidelity board, Im sure that the situations of others brings out alot of painful memories for you, and although there is alot of helpful advice in there, its really hard for people to relate or understand unless they have felt it themselves.

 

That said, and since we are both in the same boat, I guess the only advice I can give you is..... slow down a little bit! Before just throwing in the towel, why not seperate for awhile? I personally could not imagine what it would be like living with some one while I was sorting through these feelings.... I would only make things worse IMO. As far as your kids are concerned (I have two as well, I know what this is like as well), did your husband take his children into account while this was going on?? Point is, if you do decide to divorce, its not your fault, is it? Dont let guilt override any decision that you make, its not yours to bear.

 

I know what you are feeling right now Syl, theres not an hour that goes by, every day, that I think about what has happened to me, but its starting to get better, Im starting to see a future, and whether it includes my wife or not doesnt really matter, and you will get there too!

 

flea

[bigbuffs]

I think that if you are both 100% commited to your marriage, then with MC, I think the marriage can be saved. But, It doesn't sound like he is commited and it doesn't sound like he is sorry. Details are a very important part and if you are to rebuild your trust, then he needs to tell you everything you want to know. I think maybe you should try to separate for a while. This will give you both a chance to think about things. And, maybe this will make him see that if he wants to keep you he will have to start making some changes. But, if you really believe in the sanctity of marriage, then do everything you can to try to save the marriage before you call it quits.

 

I hope things work out.

[sylviaguardian]

thanks for the advice guys. New wife - I was seeing a counsellor but although it helped me get up off the floor, it didn't help me make any decisions. The thought of divorce is scary for me, after my parents went through a very bitter divorce. The thought of my children's faces when I tell them is almost enough for me to put up with any misery.

 

That said, the situation at home is not healthy for them so I have to think about that too.

 

Fleafly - you are right. Sometime coming on this board makes me feel worse as I sometimes feel that people see everything from their own situation. In my case, the EA was protracted, the PA short-lived ( I can hear everyone saying - yeah right!). Things are not always as straightforward as they seem. How are you anyway Fleafly? Sounds like you are doing much better - how did that come about?

 

Bigbuffs - we are separated now since I last posted here. I find it difficult what to make of being separated as I still feel like everything is in limbo and I can't move forward. I feel like I can't plan ANYTHING! Also, I am lonely. I know that being lonely is part and parcel of being a single parent but I guess if we separated for real this would lessen over time.

 

Thanks again. I can't be bothered to write anymore tonight. I am down, really down.

 

Sylvia

[fleafly]

Hey Sylvia, hope things are better for you. Im doing alright, I suppose. I still have lots of anger in me as well, Im currently seeing a therapist that is helping me deal with this. I pretty much gave up on the marriage counseling, its not going to do anything for you if you cant get past the anger, so I decided to try a different route to try and see where it takes me. Im a stubborn person by nature, so Im trying new things to try and see how to at least try and get over this, at the very least for the kids sake.

 

I also put my kids into therapy as a way to prepare them for the event that I end up divorcing. My 8 year old son had an easier time adapting to our separation, my daughter, who is 5 will not accept the fact that I am home, its been very hard on her which kills me, which in turn turns my anger onto my wife, very frustrating, but like I said, im trying to work on it, at least! As far as being separated, it is hard Sylvia, but it can also be liberating, you just need to concentrate on yourself, maybe even do a little reflection on your life so your can begin to plan your future, no matter what route you take. Take your time, its the least your husband can do for you after what he has put you through.

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks for the positive words fleafly. But I think I have finally made my mind up. I spoke to my H about separation -he is not happy about it, but can no longer put up a fight either.

 

All yesterday I felt like I had a block of ice in my stomach and my mind was racing. I keep asking if I'm making a mistake.

 

Last night we had a talk and I told him that one of the biggest barriers to me staying with him is the fact that I feel like there is more to tell about the A. I explained that he has said he will change, wants me to trust him but I can't because I will always feel the weight of what I don't know between us. At this point he became defensive, made counter-accusation and his whole manner of speech and non-verbal signals told me that there is more that I don't know.

 

That made it easy for me. Herein lies the rub: things are so bad now between us that he will never tell me the whole truth because he sees it will just end it faster. The problem is I have asked myself whether I could really live with a man who has secrets from me and the answer is no. I need to know that the person I am with has stopped lying.

 

Anyway, the look on his face last night told that he still has secrets and I will never know the truth. I would go insane if I had to live with this day in, day out, wondering who he really is. I know the future does not look great for me but I will gain 2 things:

 

1) My life will be my own, I will live in peace, not fear and doubt

2) I will be able to carry on alone without regrets. I am sure now that I am doing the right thing.

 

Sylvia

[MySugaree]

You are doing the right thing, sg. I guarantee that 6 months after you separate you'll feel like a new person. Things won't be perfect, but you'll get your old self back. You'll feel like your old self once again.

 

Trust your instincts: your H's reaction--especially the counter-accusations--tells me that the A is still active in one form or the other.

 

Go and make a good life for yourself and your kids. Leave him to his lies.

 

Good luck, and be strong.

[Mr.positive]

Your the only one who knows what to do. But the one thing I can say is don't stay because of the kids. You think it may help them but it will probably cause more damage in the future for them when thier in relationships.

[New_Wife]

Sylvia,

 

good luck. There is no easy path. Divorce, stay married - neither is easy. But it sounds like you've really thought this through and come to a place where you feel you are headed in the right direction.

 

Take care of you and the kids. If, at some point down the road, you change your mind - so be it. But spend a lot of time taking care of yourself and those kiddoes just now. The more secure that part of your world is - the better able you are to evaluate the rest.