My boyfriend doesn't love me. Yet.

[Marigold92]

Hey all! I really need an advice. Sorry if my English isn't great, I'm not an English speaker:)

I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. I'm 25, he's 29. Everything is great, I met his family and friends, we meet a lot, I'm going to his brother's wedding in a few days, etc. I feel I love him for a while now, and for a few weeks now I feel bugged by the fact he hadn't said it yet.

 

As a result, it came up in a conversation we had a couple of days ago, and he told me it takes time for him to feel it and say it, he thinks there are more important things in a relationship to go through before these words are said. He repeated saying that it doesn't mean anything regarding our relationship, he expressed how fun he feels being with me, that he doesn't want to lose me, that he sees us together, that actions mean more than these words etc.

 

I guess he grasps LOVE as a much wider idea than others do. I don't know. But it doesn't look like he's just trying to shoosh me, it seems like it's a real belief of his.

I have fun with him and he treats me well, I told him I will put this conversation and topic behind me, but between me and myself, I can't help feeling ****ty and bad. I can't stop thinking about it.

 

It the first time I encounter with an issue like that, in my past relationships these feelings and words came after 3-4 months.

I wish someone would tell me what to do.

 

Do you have any advice for me? Experience in a situation like that? Something?

Thanks !

Edited July 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. I'm 25, he's 29.

...

I guess he grasps LOVE as a much wider idea than others do.

No, I think you're expecting way too much. You've been together for 4 months. That is much too soon for most people to have such strong feelings.

[Marigold92]

No matter how instance and fast moving the relationship is?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Actions mean more than words. I love you means different things to everyone. Do you feel like his feelings for you are similar to yours for him, regardless of his words? If he treats you well and you don't feel like there is a big discrepancy with where his feelings are, I would try to move away from needing to hear I love you.

 

statistically, I think 4 months is pretty early to say it, if you're not in your teens.

 

To share my experience, I've been in a number of relationships. When/ if those words were said varied a lot, from several weeks in, to over a year, and had little correlation with happiness or how things worked out. My current relationship is my happiest, and I think will lead to marriage. We're been together about 3 years, live together, and are very happy. I love your weren't exchanged until about 2 years in- after we moved in - but it was obvious we loved each other much earlier based on how we treat each other and how happy we are. I used to need to hear those words from other boyfriends for reassurance. In my current relationship, we don't say it often, because it's not necessary. We show our love through action.

[stillafool]

What does it matter at this point if you two are having fun?

[d0nnivain]

You want to be in the express lane. After a very short time you want to be in love & you want your relationship to be on the same level as people who have been together far longer. That is unrealistic.

 

Continue dating him & showing him you care but don't be so hung up on the words. His actions are all good so take comfort in them. Revisit the issue next Valentine's Day if it hasn't come up before then.

 

But you need to slow down. Let the foundation develop. If you do it his way on his time table you will end up with a better / stronger relationship

[Marigold92]

I love your weren't exchanged until about 2 years in- after we moved in - but it was obvious we loved each other much earlier based on how we treat each other and how happy we are.

 

Well that's exactly what bothers me. It's not the same situation as you're describing here. It feels like he loves me, but he says he's not there yet. It's not just that he doesn't say it, he also doesn't feel it yet. I'm not bothered by not hearing the words, I'm bothered by him not feeling it. And I wonder what needs to happen for him to feel it, if we're already so happy and instance.

Edited July 31, 2017 by Marigold92

[d0nnivain]

You can't tell him what to feel. He may feel it but not recognize it or he's afraid of what he feels.

 

Give him some time & space. Trust him to come to terms with his own feelings.

[preraph]

You are really pushing things. Good way to sabotage yourself. 4 months is too soon to say it and really mean it. It takes longer than that to get to know someone, and he knows this. Some people will never say I love you until they are ready to back it up with a serious commitment. And that's not a bad thing. More accurate at 4 months would be "I love what I know of you so far."

[Tribble]

Oh I can imagine how tough it must be for you. People feel different things at different times. Really try to step back, don't push it. I am one who does not say I love you unless I'm certain I feel it. Especially at the beginning, you get this rush of emotions that can feel a lot like love, but it isn't. I'm very careful not to say it until after that time because it feels so important to me.

 

My ex said I love you first. I explained I felt strongly for him but wasn't ready to say it yet. He said that was okay and he only wanted to hear it when I really meant it. When I did tell him, he asked if I was sure or only saying it because he said it to me. I did mean it and we said it often after that. He is the only person I've told and the only person I've been really in love with.

 

Don't panic about it and don't put pressure on it. If you can hold back, imagine how amazing it will feel when he says it - you'll know he really means it! That's not to say you should shy away from your own feelings, but try not to get down because he isn't quite where you are yet.