Conventional wisdom

[lucy_in_disguise]

I've been thinking about how my relationship has defied so much conventional wisdom:

 

- he wasn't ready for a relationship when we first met

- we had sex on the first date

- we were fwb for a while before making it official

 

If I had been following the rules as a woman looking for a serious relationship- I should have never given him a chance. Yet our spark was too strong for me to follow rules, while our common interests helped secure a strong foundation of friendship. Most importantly, we had mutual trust. I believed him when he said it wasn't me, he liked me a lot but wasn't ready for something serious. That made it easy to view what we had as my choice- no mind games or confusion clouding my judgement. And I believed him when several months later he was ready, and asked me to officially be his girlfriend. Three years later we are living together and planning our future together - and I really couldn't be happier. He is an amazing partner, my best friend.

 

There's a lot to be said for conventional wisdom and not ignoring red flags. But sometimes people's behaivior doesn't fit neatly into boxes. I've had many relationships that appeared perfect on the surface, but weren't right for me. This one defied many rules, but the key difference was, it always felt right. I had to follow my gut to get what I needed.

 

Do you have any stories of relationships that succeeded despite breaking the rules?

[d0nnivain]

The most important rule to follow is

 

To thine own self be true.

 

I broke a few rules over the years. I had a FWB thing turn into living together for 10. I've ended relationships & started new ones days later. (I wasn't rebounding because I was emotionally done before I finally pulled the trigger to get out of the old relationship)

 

I see more problems because people don't stick up from themselves or act like the other person talked them into something. There's little personal responsibility & that is where the problems come in

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's all about probability. Most situations like OP describes won't go anywhere. Assuming a woman wants to get married and have children, at a certain age, she has to go for more certain scenarios. She can't afford to waste time like women in their 20s can.

[Bastile]

Do you have any stories of relationships that succeeded despite breaking the rules?

 

I break rules in every scenario, really. Always have.

 

For example with my first girlfriend. We met at a party, and I got her number. I didn't have my phone on me (or my battery was dead, can't remember), and I lost the number

 

I was completely gutted. Then, I was on a bus a few weeks later travelling through the area where she told me that she lived (near a school we both used to go to). I didn't know her address or anything though.

 

I saw her through a window. She had this massive window, with a wide open living room. I actually saw her sitting there looking stunning. Then the bus stopped just 30 seconds down the street.

 

Do or die time, right? So, I went with the fire in my balls and knocked on the door. She was completely confused, but let me in...

 

lol

 

But, I read a thread on here the other day where a guy lost a girls number or something like that. No way would I tell him to do what I did there.

 

So I think that we generally tell people how to play a safe game that isn't going to get them arrested or something

Edited August 1, 2017 by Bastile

[Cookiesandough]

It's all about probability. Most situations like OP describes won't go anywhere. Assuming a woman wants to get married and have children, at a certain age, she has to go for more certain scenarios. She can't afford to waste time like women in their 20s can.

 

Agreed, 3 yr no marriage is not for all...but it is still nice to hear about stories like these if it works for them.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

Rules are made to be broken. But if you're going to break them, you need to have the mental fortitude for a higher risk of failure rate.

 

My rule breaking success: separated from ex-h for only two months before meeting new guy. Slept with him on the day we met. He cancels overseas work commitment so he can give us a chance. Moved in with him 6 months later. Combine bank accounts. After two years buy a house together. ThenI finally get around to doing divorce paperwork. Have two children. Marriage seems like a waste of effort, so I change my name to my partner and kids names by deed poll.

 

Celebrating 25 years together this year! Woo hoo!!!

[Bastile]

Another one last year was when a girl flaked on the morning of our first date. Sent me a text saying she broke her arm, and that she couldn't go.

 

I'm thinking that it's BS. She ignores my messages after that.

 

But I got her out eventually, and she did break her arm

[Chilli]

What rules , are there rules to these days, oh no,l'm screwed .

[Els]

We didn't break the same rules as you did, but we broke a helluva lot of them. We became exclusive long-distance when we had to wait 6 months to even meet, let alone physically have sex. My ex was a friend of his. People would say that we were young, in college, we should have partied it up and dated other people instead of waiting to graduate to close the distance.

 

I am so very glad we listened to none of that. We closed the distance several years ago, have had many happy years together and hopefully more to come. After all this time, he still does sweet things for me, little things to show me he loves me, just because. He has gone the extra mile so many times in order to support or help me. He prioritizes my pleasure (both in and out of the bedroom), my happiness and my well-being over his own. He is the most amazing person I have ever fallen in love with.

 

Yes, I might have "wasted" 6 months if he hadn't turned out to be all that. But that was a pretty small risk for all the rewards it has brought. And the ex that was a friend? That college group of friends started drifting apart after graduation anyway, none of them have been in contact with each other anymore for the past few years regardless. So it would have been a pretty stupid move to ditch our relationship (which has stood the test of time) just to follow "friendship rules".

 

"Rules", even the best of them, are merely statistical. Statistics, especially in the realm of personal relationships (a subjective and unscientific field at best), can only show you so much. Your heart and mind will show you the rest of the way.

Edited August 3, 2017 by Elswyth