Exclusivity - who brings it up and when?

[hondababe]

I'm in the US but from the UK and dating is different in these countries. In the US, how long or how many dates before you should talk about exclusivity?

[Whodatdog]

I dont think theres a number, it depends on how two people feel about each other. People get to that point at different times, if they even get there. It should certainly be long enough to be sure that both people are sure about it. Nothing worse than being exclusive when you really dont 100% want to be there yet.

[angel.eyes]

Depends.

 

For me, when I used OLD, the guy usually brought it up on a third or fourth date. When I date someone I meet socially, particularly through friends, the assumption is that we are exclusive if we hit it off on the first date. Things progress naturally without labels.

 

Different people have different experiences and different expectations. I've seen posters on here go for months without exclusivity.

 

It will depend on what you're looking for, who you choose to date, how you meet, and a host of other factors.

 

Welcome to this side of the pond!

[angel.eyes]

Nothing worse than being exclusive when you really dont 100% want to be there yet.

 

Not really. If he turns out to be a dud, you break it off. It's not a contractual obligation to stay together. It's simply a promise not to see others so that you can focus on getting to know each other better. If at some point, you decide you no longer like the person, some deal breaker pops up as you date, or he (or she) isn't who you thought early on, you just break it off and move on.

 

No harm, no foul.

[Maggie4]

For me, as early as the 3rd date if I like him. Indefinite postponed if I'm not too interested. Basically the exclusivity talk comes before sex, otherwise it's yucky.

 

If I want to pursue something serious with a man, I bring up exclusivity very early. If he can't do it, I walk. In that case neither of us took a loss.

[compulsivedancer]

In my case, when we discussed sex without a condom.

[Shining One]

For me, the talk usually happens after a few sleepovers.

[d0nnivain]

When it feels right to you.

 

Before sex if you have health concerns or you are the type that can't divorce the physical from the emotional.

[hondababe]

When does exclusivity become a topic of discussion? How far in? Have certain things to have happened before exclusivity talk happens? New to all this and as it's not how people date in my country (uk) I struggle with this at the moment. Been taking to a guy for 3 months every day. Only had 4 dates as his work has been a nightmare (he is telling the truth about that), he wants to meet again and is happy to meet before my family come to visit on 11th for 10 days.

I'm not seeing other guys as it's not my normal way of dating and that's ok with me, he is talking to others but he hasn't met any as he hasn't had time due to his work (but he's seen me). When I asked if he had time would he meet them, he said that would be on a case by case basis.

Now I dunno what I'm looking for, I'd like to get to know this guy better, it may be something, it may not but I struggle with the other girls thing.

Help!

[salparadise]

There is not a rule that applies to everyone, and some couples don't even need to talk about it to know they are (or aren't). In my last relationship we were exclusive from the beginning, it was never discussed, and we both had that understanding. Your situation is obviously different. Many people want exclusivity when they start having sex, for sexual health and emotional reasons.

 

In my mind, it doesn't make sense to get entangled/invested with someone who is intent on continuing to date others at the same time. After a reasonable amount of time (or number of dates), I'd move on rather than defaulting to a one-sided deal. How could you do that once you start having feelings for them?

[d0nnivain]

There's a school of thought that says you should talk about exclusivity before sex.

 

I think you bring it up when it feels right to you. You can bring it up or you can wait. It is what makes you feel comfortable.

[The411]

A woman is i charge of raising the exclusivity issue.

[smackie9]

It depends on you...some like to wait while others don't. I'm old fashioned, I expect it within a few weeks if we are seeing each other a lot, and from my experience I never had to bring it up, they did. If it's just like once a week and I don't see it getting any more than that I dump them. To me a talk is a waste of time.

 

You want to bring it up, then so be it...it may save you your time if it isn't the answer you are expecting.

[Gr8fuln2020]

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who brings it up.

 

I feel that the ladies would bring it up sooner for obvious reasons, so if a guy says it should be the lady, he shouldn't be surprised at the timing. I am convinced that the guy is the one who should bring it up and it is not only b/c of traditional reasons.

[olivetree]

A woman is i charge of raising the exclusivity issue.

 

Couldn't disagree more.

[coolheadal]

When does exclusivity become a topic of discussion? How far in? Have certain things to have happened before exclusivity talk happens? New to all this and as it's not how people date in my country (uk) I struggle with this at the moment. Been taking to a guy for 3 months every day. Only had 4 dates as his work has been a nightmare (he is telling the truth about that), he wants to meet again and is happy to meet before my family come to visit on 11th for 10 days.

I'm not seeing other guys as it's not my normal way of dating and that's ok with me, he is talking to others but he hasn't met any as he hasn't had time due to his work (but he's seen me). When I asked if he had time would he meet them, he said that would be on a case by case basis.

Now I dunno what I'm looking for, I'd like to get to know this guy better, it may be something, it may not but I struggle with the other girls thing.

Help!

 

 

If he's not willing to drop the other women you can't go the route you want. Why do you settle for less than your getting from him. He's juggling dates and your the one he juggling the most with the other females he's seeing. Don't think for one second he's not with other women. You need to find a guy who is one on one with you only. That is where the interest is very important in a long term dating relationship. You don't see this guy so much not about the work it's about him juggling you and the other women. Do you honestly think this is the right course of action. To have multi-dates and just settle for what he can give you. If he can't go one on one with you then make no more contact with him. You tell him why. See what he said. His Ego might step in and say so what he can do what he pleases and you say so what back so can you. Listen don't make this so hard on yourself. You count what makes you happy. But you have to know where you stand and you really don't have much ground to stand on with this guy. He's seeing others and you want him all to yourself. He doesn't want that! If he did then you wouldn't be hear asking us all for advise.

[stillafool]

I think which ever one of you wants to be exclusive should be the one to bring it up.

[Michelle ma Belle]

In all my relationships, apart from one, the guy has been the one to bring up the 'talk' about exclusivity. As for timing, they've all varied dramatically. Some happened after just a few dates while others took a few months. There are just too many variables at play to box it up with one single rule that works for everyone.

 

I will agree with d0nnivain that sex should be the catalyst for the talk about exclusivity. Obviously it's not for most people but maybe should be. As Patti Stanger from Millionaire Matchmaker says, "NO SEX BEFORE MONOGAMY!"

 

As for your situation, 4 dates in 3 months??? Personally, I don't think that's enough time to ask about exclusivity in my opinion especially knowing how little free time he has to date you yet remains online and talking with (and probably dating) other women at the same time. I think you need more time together both for your sake and his to know if its something you want to make exclusive.

[Cookiesandough]

4 dates in 3 months because of work? I take it it's a long distance thing or something????

 

I wouldn't talk about it in that situation. It's very odd and doesn't seem stable/the right time to bring it up

[Shining One]

Exclusivity - who brings it up and when?

The person who wants it first brings it up when they feel like bringing it up.

I am convinced that the guy is the one who should bring it up and it is not only b/c of traditional reasons.

Can you elaborate on those non-traditional reasons?

[dichotomy]

After we start having sex - or rather when it appears we will be having a regular sexual relationship.

 

Generally speaking I dont like to share a gal sexually with others, except under very - very - limited situations.

Edited July 31, 2017 by dichotomy

[carhill]

IME, in the past, including with my wife, I brought it up *before* we progressed to sex. Why? I don't have sex with women who don't present themselves as being exclusive. Other people do what they want. If we don't match up, miss.

[SammySammy]

Regardless of who brings it up, I do think women choose who they want to be with.

 

I've tended to not even have that conversation. It's like ... we know ... and it just happens. It is. Our actions show we're committed to each other.

 

In my last two committed relationships, the women were csusually dating and seeing other guys when they met me. After being with me for a while, they let those others guys go and chose to be with me. I'm a one woman man when I'm committed. So, both were willing and it just was. At the appropriate time. I don't remember any specific conversations about it. But, it started with the women choosing.

[Bastile]

A woman is i charge of raising the exclusivity issue.

 

Couldn't disagree more.

 

I think there are going to be a lot of women getting hurt with that attitude...

 

Here are the honest dynamics of the situation. As a man, I can have sex with multiple people without catching feelings. I know that the average woman - whilst she can date around - she is most likely having sex with one guy. Me.

 

A woman waiting for exclusivity from me, when my exclusivity was focused on playing the field, was waiting a very long time.

 

I got everything that a boyfriend gets regardless. Why would I have asked for exclusivity? What did I get from that?

 

Exclusivity is for settling down. It's for leaving the game. This guy in OP's post is speaking with multiple girls. And that's just what she knows....

 

He has seen her just a few times in three months. He tells her that he is "busy". That, and any variation thereof, is the go-to excuse for resource-management in dealing with multiple women.

 

I think the OP initiating a talk sounds long overdue.

[spiderowl]

Sexual exclusivity and emotional exclusivity are two different things. Most guys want sexual exclusivity (from their partners not necessarily themselves!) but may not want to be seen as your 'boyfriend' as that can imply a longer-term commitment.

 

Emotional exclusivity tends to happen when one or the other wants to feel more secure in the relationship, to feel their partner is only interested in them and wants them not others.

 

Both kinds of exclusivity are important (for health reasons if nothing else) but be sure of what you are seeking. If you seek emotional exclusivity and your partner just wants to make sure you are not sleeping with others, then there could be some serious misunderstandings. Ideally, exclusivity would be both emotional and physical and apply to both in the relationship.