Other Ex-Wife Seems Too Entitled

[CamPanyon]

After our divorce, my ex-husband married a woman I'll call Gloria. She was extremely controlling and cruel to both my ex-husband and our children. To the extent that she engineered the situation so that he took the children from me and only allowed me very limited contact with them. As my ex is wealthy, he was able to do this despite my efforts to stop him (I had no money for attorneys, no one to help, etc.).

 

She continually told the kids that I abandoned them, that I was a bad mother, that I was a crack addict whore, etc. Any time they did anything that displeased her, she would compare them to their horrible mother. On top of that, she would not let my ex allow me to see them regularly, with one period of non-contact exceeding 18 months. She would make my younger daughter say she hated me.

 

Fast forward several years to when my ex finally had had enough (she was also abusive toward him) and left her. He blamed her for everything bad that happened, and of course, she blamed him. Meanwhile, he still kept the kids.

 

I used the opportunity to try to rebuild my relationship with the kids with an eye toward regaining custody. I still had no money, but was now remarried to a wonderful, supportive man and had more stability.

 

Now, having successfully regained custody of the youngest (her older sibling is now an adult), I find that she understandably misses her former step-mother. After all, this was the woman who, for better or worse, was presented to her as her mother. Despite my feelings of hurt and betrayal by this woman, I allowed my daughter to see Gloria, for my daughter's benefit only.

 

The thing is, despite the fact that Gloria has apologized to an extent for her part in the horrible treatment to my daughter and myself, I feel like she seems to feel very entitled to contact with my daughter. She seems to think that it's perfectly fine to want to see her without me and without my supervision.

 

For example, tomorrow is the last night before my daughter goes on a trip with her father and I will not see her for two weeks. Gloria wants to invite her on an outing and has expressly excluded me from the invitation. My older daughter sees nothing wrong with this and cannot understand why I'm upset. I have explained that tomorrow is MY last night to see her as well, and why should Gloria's desire outweigh my own?

 

My older daughter keeps defending Gloria, and is acting like I'm being unreasonable, when I feel that I'm trying to protect my younger daughter from this woman's warped viewpoint and am only allowing any contact at all as closure. I feel that I should be present so that my younger daughter knows she is safe no matter what happens, and so that she can see us all working together and not continue the pattern of exclusion and abuse. Why am I the only one who seems to be thinking in terms of ALL of us getting along and why is no one caring how I feel (which, btw, is mostly hurt that after all we've been through, at the end of the day, they've got her back but not mine ...).

 

What can/should I do?

 

Thank you for any ideas ...

[BrewCrew25]

If she played a big role in the kids upbringing I can see how the kids want her to be in their lives, perhaps try to see it from that angle.

 

 

If you feel like she's not a healthy role model or a great person though she has no rights to see the kids unless the kids make that choice when they're of legal age I think.

 

 

Maybe focus on your own relationship with the kids and strengthening it so if you decide later that Gloria is not a good influence (based on nonbiased parental judgement) they will be more inclined to understand when you explain to them your feelings.

[basil67]

What does your ex-h think of Gloria continuing to see the kids?