What do I do

[resetonlife]

So I'm engaged to be married. My fiancé has 3 young boys that I have been helping to raise for the last almost four years. Just recently the father after four years is now coming back around and her oldest went to visit him. It's time for the child to return and we are to meet half way (12hr distance). I won't be available to go on that day and we had agreed that if there was ever a time to exchange kids that I would be there with her. In my head I think the exchange should be when her and I are both available and not based around his schedule. Am I being selfish for wanting to be present especially since this is something we agreed upon? This is all new to me so not sure how I'm suppose to handle this

[basil67]

Your fiance and her ex need to work together to figure out a time which suits them both. It is unreasonable to expect the ex to work around the times you and your fiance deem to give him.

 

Why do you feel the need to be present at the handover? If it's an issue of safety, they could meet at a police station.

[anika99]

Why exactly do you need to be present? If her ex is not dangerous then I don't see what this has to do with you.

[SammySammy]

You're overstepping your bounds.

 

Visitation was always between me and my ex-wife. Her new husband never had any say in when and how we handled visitation.

 

Now, he was often with her when I picked up and dropped off my daughter. But, I think he knew better than to think I would arrange visitation of my child around his schedule.

 

That's not his place. Or yours.

[IndigoNight]

Unless the ex poses a threat/problem of some kind, there is really no reason for a chaperoned exchange of the kid.

 

After my ex remarried, my husband was usually there when my ex and I did drop off/pick up, but only because it kept my ex and I civil towards one another. (My ex changed when he remarried, and we stopped getting along. Being hostile to one another in front of our son was unacceptable, so my husband made sure we played nice.) My husband never insisted that he go, or felt it was his right to be there. I asked for him to intervene, so he did.

 

So, why do you go? Are you helping her out? Or, are you the kind of person who thinks she should have nothing to do with her ex, unless it involves the kids? Or, is it some other reason?

 

How are you supposed to handle this? Well, that depends a lot on what boundaries your fiance' has given you, and the role of the children's father in their lives. What you shouldn't do is insert yourself into places that aren't welcome, or warranted. (Not saying you are, just that it shouldn't happen.) If you are present during pick up/ drop off because she feels more comfortable, then by all means, keep it up. If you go because you are in any way jealous, or controlling, stop. You trust her, right?

 

As for the ex, don't disrespect his role as the childrens father, even if he doesn't always deserve the respect. There are times that may not be easy to do, but it is in the best interest of the children to do it. Restricting his visits based on your schedule is unreasonable, as long as your fiance is able to meet for the scheduled child exchange.

 

Your fiance' has her work cut out for her. With her ex resurfacing, she has to consider the effects it will have on the kids, especially if he vanishes again. She also has to make sure that you won't feel slighted because you have been invested in the parenting role that he abandoned. This could be a tricky situation to navigate, but not impossible. Be supportive, and communicate, communicate, communicate!

[JHandy]

You're good. Trust your fiancé. If her ex was horrible to her, it would be one thing. But things seem fine. She's marrying you. She left him. She's just picking up her child. Don't read anything more into it. Don't drive yourself crazy.

[d0nnivain]

Learn this now: The kids come first. Everything has to be about what is in their best interest.

 

I can understand why you as a good guy don't want to burden your FI by having her travel 12 hours alone to pick up the kids. But if you can't be there, you can't be there.

 

If you think she's in danger from him, make it a supervised exchange at a local police station.

 

If you are really that concerned rearrange your schedule so you can be there.

[Davey L]

When I was in your position I did not consider myself to have any say in the matter. I was happy to help and facilitate things when that was needed but otherwise the arrangements were none of my business.

 

I'd suggest that you butt out and leave the arrangements between them. I'd also suggest that your roles and responsibilities with the children should be clarified before you get married.

[dichotomy]

I was lucky to have only personally met the biodad of my kids (step) once - but visitations were always an emotional time due to unhealthy and legal issues between my wife and her ex.

 

I was always very careful not to officially act like THE dad, no matter that I care for my kids(step) for many years 95% of the time. I never confronted or talked to biodad directly that was my wife's job. Never spoke badly to my kids(step) about their biodad - although they may have overheard me talking to their mom about him.

 

Its a careful line to walk as a step dad, even if your the dad for most of their time. I wish you luck now that he is back in the picture.

 

Make sure all the legal rules are in place for visitations.

[resetonlife]

Awww man now I feel like a complete douch bag looking at these responses. All of my relationships I've been cheated on, my last relationship of 9yrs I was cheated on and she got pregnant by her ex husband so I have a real high anxiety level behind this. I didn't argue or flip out about it I just sad ok and got quiet. I truly appreciate all of the responses because they helped me look at things differently more than you know

[dichotomy]

Awww man now I feel like a complete douch bag looking at these responses. All of my relationships I've been cheated on, my last relationship of 9yrs I was cheated on and she got pregnant by her ex husband so I have a real high anxiety level behind this. I didn't argue or flip out about it I just sad ok and got quiet. I truly appreciate all of the responses because they helped me look at things differently more than you know

 

 

Been cheated on in both my past and current marriage ....and by one old GF between marriage.

 

I understand you. Dont beat yourself up to much, you have been hurt badly. You got wounds.

 

My wife had to cut out all contact with her old partners and I kept an eye out for that stuff, but an ex is the father of her children. Thankfully we are past all of that - and my wife wanted little contact with her ex husband - and his new wife did not want it either

[BTDT2012]

I won't be available to go on that day and we had agreed that if there was ever a time to exchange kids that I would be there with her. In my head I think the exchange should be when her and I are both available and not based around his schedule. Am I being selfish for wanting to be present especially since this is something we agreed upon?

 

No, you aren't being selfish. It is worth a conversation with your fiancee to to determine the reason that she disregarded your agreement. You should also have a discussion about your role in the children's life before you marry.