Unsure of how to go about caring for my other son

[Brian's dad]

Five years ago, I had an affair with a very young girl. Our affair produced a son, Brian. My wife and I reconciled, and outside of Brian, everything is fine. Brian is a very sore spot for my wife children, (all teenagers) and I. He is a great little boy, but he's just always a reminder that I am an idiot.

 

I love Brian, he is very thoughtful, kind, and I think he might have some musical talent, and I know his mom is working with him on it. He has a great ear for music and understanding of it. It actually freaks me out a little.

 

When he comes over, I take him for a few days every month, my whole family gets very distant and angry. I understand why, but it's difficult. Brian is staying with us this week. Yesterday, I couldn't find him, and he was sitting in the kitchen with his head down crying. I asked him what the problem was and he said "I hate myself " a five year old!!! That scares me. I don't know where he'd learn that.

 

His mom is great with him I think, she just turned 22, but already puts Brian first. I know she gets frustrated with him, but I think she does a good job. Recently, she asked me to give up my rights to him. I haven't told my wife because I know she'll want me to. She tolerates him, but if for example I see him in public with his mom I am not allowed to acknowledge him. This happened a few weeks ago. I was out to dinner with a large group of our family, some who don't know about Brian, when he appeared in the doorway. He kept waving at me, and I couldn't wave back or go see him. Finally I had to text her to get him away from my view because people we were with were noticing him. I was so mad at her, but she keeps saying she didn't know I was there. Her story is he was playing with some other kids when he walked over and did that and she had no clue until I told her he was waving at me. I don't know if I believe her though.

 

I don't know what to do, if I should keep my rights or not. I love him but he's very difficult on my family. What should I do?

[GorillaTheater]

This is one of the most compelling yet flat-out difficult questions I've ever seen posted here.

 

 

You have legitimate concerns over the feelings of your wife and other kids on one hand, having this reminder of your (pretty monumental) screw-up, and the life and well-being of Brian on the other.

 

 

My heart goes out to the little guy. I couldn't and wouldn't walk away from him, but I'd be hesitant to subject him to the apparent enmity of the rest of your family. Whether they vocalize it or not, the kid seems to be picking up on it.

 

 

I just don't know. Maybe family counseling, because obviously your family's forgiveness doesn't run as deep as it should, particularly towards a boy who's the innocent in all of this.

 

 

I wish I had something more profound to lay on you

[Timshel]

If I have read your post correctly (please correct) Your former affair partner is currently 22 and the child from this affair is currently 5. If this is correct then you had an affair with a 17 yr. old girl.

Your wife and her family are aware of this affair, yet shun the 5 yr. old child. To the extent that if you are out publicly, they are visibly angered at the child's existence if the child is within breathing distance.

Your affair partner is also asking that you release parental rights which would in effect cut all legal/social ties with this child.

Is this all correct so far?

 

I would like to be sure that I have correctly surmised your post before giving any opinion.

Thanks

[Brian's dad]

If I have read your post correctly (please correct) Your former affair partner is currently 22 and the child from this affair is currently 5. If this is correct then you had an affair with a 17 yr. old girl.

Your wife and her family are aware of this affair, yet shun the 5 yr. old child. To the extent that if you are out publicly, they are visibly angered at the child's existence if the child is within breathing distance.

Your affair partner is also asking that you release parental rights which would in effect cut all legal/social ties with this child.

Is this all correct so far?

 

I would like to be sure that I have correctly surmised your post before giving any opinion.

Thanks

Yes, that's correct. The people who know of our affair are my wife, our children, and our parents. Maybe a few friends. Then whoever the mother has told.

Edited August 2, 2017 by Brian's dad

[Timshel]

It seems the affair hasn't been addressed properly with marital/family therapy. The whole affair, including the child, have been 'rugswept' out of sight, out of mind. Until they are not.

Your wife will not participate in any residual outcome of your indiscretion, including a child who is a half sibling to her children and your son.

How does that feel for you and what is your marriage like with the 'elephant' always in the room?

 

Have you been paying child support?

[Timshel]

Not to rush your response...this is very serious with most importantly, the well being of a child in balance.

It occurs to me that maybe nothing has been through any proper channels because the girl (your affair) was a minor at the time.

Have you avoided court and therapy and everyone wants the child and his mother to go away for this reason?

[GunslingerRoland]

I feel for little Brian a lot. I can relate to him a bit, not exactly the same situation but I was born out of wedlock, and when my dad later married, my step mother has always wished I never existed, and whenever I was with them I was treated like the bastard I am... but still my Dad was allowed to acknowledge me in public.

 

Anyway, you were a jerk, but it doesn't in any way condone the way that your wife and children are treating Brian, it isn't his fault. Shame on them, and shame on you for allowing it.

 

If you and your family aren't going to fix this situation then maybe you should just give up the rights. It's not fair for you to invite him into your family home, and then for him to get treated that way.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This poor little boy .

 

I don't think you should give up your rights, but I do think you should only see Brian outside of your home. Your asinine actions have consequences, and unfortunately that means with your innocent family members as well. But, just as it is not their fault, it is not Brian's fault either, and he doesn't deserve to become fatherless.

 

I also think you should expand the circle of people who know about him. I know your family probably would hate that, but this boy is going to grow up feeling like he was a shameful mistake and that will not be good for his emotional development in any way. And, really, your family should maybe feel a little grateful you weren't thrown in jail.

 

As a final note, my teenage son often said alarming things like "I hate myself" when he was that age. He had a tough time processing his frustrations and dealing with them. He grew out of it beautifully and has never tried to harm himself, rest assured.

[noelle303]

Ok, this kinda hits home, because my own daughter is a child from an affair. Her father was and still is married.

 

I was extremely clear with the father that under NO circumstances would my child be kept a secret and raised that way. I'd rather her have no father at all then one who would make her feel like she is something to be ashamed of.

 

If your wife, yourself and your children are unable to move past the affair and accept the child as a separate human being that he is, then I do encourage you to take the mother up on her offer.

 

I assume that she is currently in a relationship/married and her partner is willing to adopt the child, otherwise you wouldn't be able to sign away parental rights (courts do not terminate parental rights unless there is either another person willing to adopt or a parent was deemed to be dangerous). In that case, allow it and possibly keep in touch every few months.

[Brian's dad]

I do pay child support. I've actually wanted to have the amount raised, but every time I petition it, she fights back and always says she "doesn't want my money anyway." She was old enough at the time of the affair. The only real disagreements we have about parenting Brian are: he's not baptized which bugs me, and she is very hands off on things. He walked in with a blue Mohawk on Monday, which was supposedly "his idea " that's what I don't like.

 

My wife and I do go to therapy because of the affair, but there have been very mean things said about Brian that I'm not okay with, and so at least for now he isn't being brought up. It does hurt that it has to be that way, but I love my family and I don't want to lose them.

 

Another way that Brian is a source of contention is her friends own a pizza shop, and over the last year, Brian has become an unofficial mascot. There's a joke that every new pizza has to have Brian's seal of approval, and I know their Facebook page posts little things about him. My son's friends like to go there, but now he won't because of Brian. A few other businesses joke about it too, and it's just a little thing that's popular in that area where the shop is. Not a huge deal, but I know it hurts my family.

[knabe]

Yes, you were a cheating cad and it is wrong. I'll go ahead and get that out of the way.

 

I can kind of see your teenagers acting like, well, teenagers.

 

But for a mother - any mother - to treat a 5 year old child with contempt turns my stomach.

 

Brian didn't betray your wife - YOU did. If she can't be a decent human to a five year old, then I think you need to put your son's emotional health first and cut the ties.

 

Yeah, I get it, betrayal hurts.

 

This is a CHILD. He cries and says he hates himself. I know exactly where he got that: from YOUR family.

 

Give up your rights and let him have a chance to be surrounded by people who can be in his presence without loathing him.

[d0nnivain]

I think you need to get into family counseling with your wife & kids before you answer that Question. You all need to work together to not damage Brian. He's an innocent kid in all of this but I can so understand your wife's anger that her husband impregnated a teenager & risked being labeled a pedophile. She may have forgiven you but she is never going to get past that without professional help. Hopefully when she's done being pissed at you, she can be more tolerant of Brian. The idea that you have to ignore a 5 year old in public makes me heartsick for the little boy.

[Timshel]

Yes, you were a cheating cad and it is wrong. I'll go ahead and get that out of the way.

 

I can kind of see your teenagers acting like, well, teenagers.

 

But for a mother - any mother - to treat a 5 year old child with contempt turns my stomach.

 

Brian didn't betray your wife - YOU did. If she can't be a decent human to a five year old, then I think you need to put your son's emotional health first and cut the ties.

 

Yeah, I get it, betrayal hurts.

 

This is a CHILD. He cries and says he hates himself. I know exactly where he got that: from YOUR family.

 

Give up your rights and let him have a chance to be surrounded by people who can be in his presence without loathing him.

 

I would agree with all of this except for giving up your parental rights. Your son deserves to know who his father is and have his father in his life. It is your responsibility to direct your family's disgust where it is properly deserved.

OP, tell your wife and children that you will make amends with them but you will not tolerate Brian to be treated with any disdain. Remind your wife that you will tolerate her hurt...except when it is directed at your son. When you are in public, you will acknowledge him. He is their brother, you are his dad.

Tell them the anger they feel should be directed at you.

[JuneL]

Why didn't authority press charge for statutory rape then?

 

It sounds like Brian's mommy has a decent support system (financially and socially), so perhaps you should just give up your rights and just meet him outside of your home?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Ugh

 

I agree with GT about this being one of the most compelling yet flat-out difficult questions I've ever seen posted here.

 

As a mother, I find myself choking up reading your post and just imagining what Brian is going through. The poor child didn't ask for any of this.

 

As a mother, I'm beyond appalled by your wife's behavior towards him. Again, the child is the innocent one in all of this. She can hate on you all she wants but Brian doesn't deserve the treatment he's been getting by anyone on your side, affair child be damned.

 

Having said all of that, I can't side with those who are telling you to give up your rights to him. I just can't do it.

 

At the same time, I don't have any answers for you either. I'm sorry.

 

It might have been one thing to have given up your rights whilst he was an infant and didn't know you or understand anything but to do it when he's 5 seems terribly cruel. He already seems to be suffering so much but I can't imagine the kind of pain he'll have to further endure and carry with him knowing his father abandoned him. And it WILL feel like you abandoned him no matter how you sugar coat it.

 

I don't believe you would be able to let go of him that easily. And I don't believe that giving up your rights to him will solve all your problems either.

 

The only advice I might suggest is therapy for Brian. Sincerely. It's never too young and given his unique predicament and the overwhelming feelings he's having to sort out, I think only a professional can help him, even if only to monitor him more closely.

 

I'm sorry again. I know I'm of no help here but needed to weigh in regardless.

[noelle303]

Yes, you were a cheating cad and it is wrong. I'll go ahead and get that out of the way.

 

I can kind of see your teenagers acting like, well, teenagers.

 

But for a mother - any mother - to treat a 5 year old child with contempt turns my stomach.

 

Brian didn't betray your wife - YOU did. If she can't be a decent human to a five year old, then I think you need to put your son's emotional health first and cut the ties.

 

Yeah, I get it, betrayal hurts.

 

This is a CHILD. He cries and says he hates himself. I know exactly where he got that: from YOUR family.

 

Give up your rights and let him have a chance to be surrounded by people who can be in his presence without loathing him.

 

I mean, I can't, in good conscience, judge a betrayed spouse on how they feel and how they handle a child produced by an affair.

 

What I can judge her on is the fact that she should have been honest and told her husband (the OP) that she can't deal with the child. That way he could have come to a different arrangement with the mother and not have the boy spend the first five years of his life in a house where he's despised and rejected. Who knows how much he has already been damaged by the situation.

 

In my case, the BS was luckily honest and when she found out she initially didn't want to meet my daughter because she was afraid that she might not be able to deal with looking at her. Only after she worked on her feelings in therapy, realized that she doesn't blame my daughter for anything and is able to see her as a separate entity, she met my daughter and she treats her very well.

[RecentChange]

Oh wow, this poor kiddo. I am sorry, I am trying to hold back but this is going to come off as harsh.

 

he said "I hate myself " a five year old!!! That scares me. I don't know where he'd learn that.

 

Where did he learn that?! YOU DAD. He feels the rejection by your family. He knows he is a second class citizen. He knows that your wife, your other kids, your friends, your family, your public imagine ALL come before him, and any love you have for him.

 

He hates being a bastard child. He hates being rejected. He hates himself because he doesn't have the love of his father that he should have.

 

 

For example I see him in public with his mom I am not allowed to acknowledge him. This happened a few weeks ago. I was out to dinner with a large group of our family' date=' some who don't know about Brian, when he appeared in the doorway. He kept waving at me, and I couldn't wave back or go see him. Finally I had to text her to [b']get him away from my view[/b] because people we were with were noticing him.

 

Oh gosh this was so cruel. Rejected by his own father like he didn't exist. This is the sort of stuff that can destroy a person emotionally, not to mention a child. They are observant and smart, he could feel what was going on.

 

" She was old enough at the time of the affair.

 

Define "old enough" sounds like she gave birth at 17... was she not 16 when you impregnated her?

 

HERE is the big problem. YOU have not had to face the consequences of this affair. This child has.

 

In my opinion he shouldn't have to suffer a dirty little secret. No instead, you should have to bare the consequences of your actions, that includes your friends and community knowing you had an affair and sired a child.

 

You seem more concerned with protecting your image and hiding what YOU have done, then the damage you are doing to this innocent child.

 

I agree with others, he shouldn't come to your home, its hostile. Go to him, rent an apartment, something... but do not expose him to the hostile home environment that again YOU created.

 

This child is suffering due to your choices.

[Brian's dad]

Why didn't authority press charge for statutory rape then?

 

It sounds like Brian's mommy has a decent support system (financially and socially), so perhaps you should just give up your rights and just meet him outside of your home?

 

While she does have great, supportive friends, Brian's mom has no family and has been on her own since she was very young.

[noelle303]

While she does have great' date=' supportive friends, Brian's mom has no family and has been on her own since she was very young.[/quote']

 

So she's not in a relationship currently? Then I can't see how you could even give up your parental rights, the state won't allow it.

[Brian's dad]

Oh wow, this poor kiddo. I am sorry, I am trying to hold back but this is going to come off as harsh.

 

 

 

Where did he learn that?! YOU DAD. He feels the rejection by your family. He knows he is a second class citizen. He knows that your wife, your other kids, your friends, your family, your public imagine ALL come before him, and any love you have for him.

 

He hates being a bastard child. He hates being rejected. He hates himself because he doesn't have the love of his father that he should have.

 

 

 

 

Oh gosh this was so cruel. Rejected by his own father like he didn't exist. This is the sort of stuff that can destroy a person emotionally, not to mention a child. They are observant and smart, he could feel what was going on.

 

 

 

Define "old enough" sounds like she gave birth at 17... was she not 16 when you impregnated her?

 

HERE is the big problem. YOU have not had to face the consequences of this affair. This child has.

 

In my opinion he shouldn't have to suffer a dirty little secret. No instead, you should have to bare the consequences of your actions, that includes your friends and community knowing you had an affair and sired a child.

 

You seem more concerned with protecting your image and hiding what YOU have done, then the damage you are doing to this innocent child.

 

I agree with others, he shouldn't come to your home, its hostile. Go to him, rent an apartment, something... but do not expose him to the hostile home environment that again YOU created.

 

This child is suffering due to your choices.

Yes she was about 16. Maybe it wasn't legal, but no one has ever come after me for it. I'm unsure.

[Brian's dad]

So she's not in a relationship currently? Then I can't see how you could even give up your parental rights, the state won't allow it.

 

I really haven't looked much into it because I really don't want to. I love Brian.

[Brian's dad]

Oh wow, this poor kiddo. I am sorry, I am trying to hold back but this is going to come off as harsh.

 

 

 

Where did he learn that?! YOU DAD. He feels the rejection by your family. He knows he is a second class citizen. He knows that your wife, your other kids, your friends, your family, your public imagine ALL come before him, and any love you have for him.

 

He hates being a bastard child. He hates being rejected. He hates himself because he doesn't have the love of his father that he should have.

 

 

 

 

Oh gosh this was so cruel. Rejected by his own father like he didn't exist. This is the sort of stuff that can destroy a person emotionally, not to mention a child. They are observant and smart, he could feel what was going on.

 

 

 

Define "old enough" sounds like she gave birth at 17... was she not 16 when you impregnated her?

 

HERE is the big problem. YOU have not had to face the consequences of this affair. This child has.

 

In my opinion he shouldn't have to suffer a dirty little secret. No instead, you should have to bare the consequences of your actions, that includes your friends and community knowing you had an affair and sired a child.

 

You seem more concerned with protecting your image and hiding what YOU have done, then the damage you are doing to this innocent child.

 

I agree with others, he shouldn't come to your home, its hostile. Go to him, rent an apartment, something... but do not expose him to the hostile home environment that again YOU created.

 

This child is suffering due to your choices.

The whole restaurant thing wouldn't have happened had she been paying attention to what he was doing. It hurts me that I have to do that to my baby, it really does.

[RecentChange]

Yes she was about 16. Maybe it wasn't legal' date=' but no one has ever come after me for it. I'm unsure.[/quote']

 

This is the least significant part of the story (and honestly, she was the first poor kiddo, no family support? So wonder she was so vulnerable, ended up pregnant by a married man when she was still a child herself).

 

If you are going to continue to treat this child like a shameful secret, perhaps you should cut contact. He is less important to you than your public imagine (which is a total lie), and experiencing that is extremely damaging

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes she was about 16. Maybe it wasn't legal' date=' but no one has ever come after me for it. I'm unsure.[/quote']

 

There's probably a part of Brian's mom that doesn't want to have to see you anymore, aside from Brian, because you stole her innocence. You sound so lackadaisical about the whole thing...."I'm unsure." You're unsure if 16 is considered rape in your state?! WTF?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The whole restaurant thing wouldn't have happened had she been paying attention to what he was doing. It hurts me that I have to do that to my baby' date=' it really does.[/quote']

 

NO. YOU DON'T! Swallow your pride, and claim this child as your own like any father of integrity would.