Unsure of how to go about caring for my other son

[stillafool]

I did everything in my power to not get her pregnant. I wore a condom every single time. Unfortunately' date=' that response was removed. It isn't because I don't want or love my child. I love my wife, and I don't want to get divorced, but that's not the only issue. [b']I'm afraid for my life and hers (my wife's) if I move to divorce. [/b]I've been thinking about it.

 

Why are you afraid for your life if you divorce your wife? I don't care what you and your OW did in your affair but Brian is not responsible for any of this and should not be blamed. He should not have to experience the wrath of your wife nor his half siblings. Your first responsibility should be to your kid. You made him and he needs you to step up and defend him. Your wife is wrong. If you have to divorce her to make sure Brian gets the life he deserves so be it. It is time to think about him not what makes you and your wife happy.

[Brian's dad]

Why are you afraid for your life if you divorce your wife? I don't care what you and your OW did in your affair but Brian is not responsible for any of this and should not be blamed. He should not have to experience the wrath of your wife nor his half siblings. Your first responsibility should be to your kid. You made him and he needs you to step up and defend him. Your wife is wrong. If you have to divorce her to make sure Brian gets the life he deserves so be it. It is time to think about him not what makes you and your wife happy.

 

She's expressed violent thoughts towards my son, his mother and myself. She's attacked me in the past due to my affair. I've let it go, I get it, but I haven't forgotten it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think the right thing would to bring this all out into the open.

 

He is only 5 now, you have at least 13 more years that you should be parenting him.

 

He should be able to be seen in public with you. He should be able to share his life with you. He should be able to see you demonstrate that you are proud that he is your son, and that you want the world to know.

 

No, don't ask him what he wants. You know what he wants....ilt's what every 5 year old child would want....both of their parents.

 

You are here to see if you can find some sort of magical solution to satisfy every single person in your life whose lives you've blown up. You can't. Deal with it like a man and accept the consequences. YOU are the least in this equation; you get that right???

[JuneL]

OP: Have you resolved your original marriage issues (those issues before the affair came along)? The state of your marriage is very relevant to your situation.

 

But, honestly, at the current state, Brian might be better off if you signed off your rights (assuming it's feasible). If you continue to keep him like a dirty little secret, he's going to grow up resenting you and cutting you off anyway. From the pizza store story, it does sound like Brian has some caring adults from her mom's side. Let's hope she will meet a good guy soon who will treat Brian like his own.

[Brian's dad]

OP: Have you resolved your original marriage issues (those issues before the affair came along)? The state of your marriage is very relevant to your situation.

 

But, honestly, at the current state, Brian might be better off if you signed off your rights (assuming it's feasible). If you continue to keep him like a dirty little secret, he's going to grow up resenting you and cutting you off anyway. From the pizza store story, it does sound like Brian has some caring adults from her mom's side. Let's hope she will meet a good guy soon who will treat Brian like his own.

I'd say that the issues that were issues five years ago aren't anymore. Now we have new more complex things that we have to deal with, all of which stem from Brian.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Abuse that led to emancipation. I think her parent has since passed' date=' she doesn't ever really say. She worked at a restaurant I frequented.[/quote']

 

Can you answer why you're trying so hard to keep this child so secret? I mean, besides using the excuse that your wife will divorce you.

Edited August 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic comment ~T

[Brian's dad]

Can you answer why you're trying so hard to keep this child so secret? I mean, besides using the excuse that your wife will divorce you.

 

Because I'm afraid she'll fly off the handle and kill me or herself.

Edited August 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[noelle303]

Because I'm afraid she'll fly off the handle and kill me or herself.

 

So you'll just stay married to her and give in to everything she wants for the rest of your life because of fear?

 

When partners threaten to kill themselves if one leaves them, it's textbook manipulation and emotional abuse. It's a toxic environment that you need to remove yourself, Brian and your other children from. After that you need to alert your wife's family members to keep an eye on her and possibly take her to an in-patient facility if she is expressing suicidal/homicidal thoughts.

 

There are steps you can take, they are just not simple or easy.

[stillafool]

She's expressed violent thoughts towards my son' date=' his mother and myself. She's attacked me in the past due to my affair. I've let it go, I get it, but I haven't forgotten it.[/quote']

 

If this is the case you nor your son need to be around her. Definitely give up your rights for the sake of Brian's life. Does Brian's mother know that your wife has expressed this violence toward's him? Your wife needs to be reported to the authorities.

[d0nnivain]

She's expressed violent thoughts towards my son' date=' his mother and myself. She's attacked me in the past due to my affair. I've let it go, I get it, but I haven't forgotten it.[/quote']

 

Then get a restraining order.

 

This is just one more example of the bad decisions you are making. You can't stay married to a violent woman who wants to kill you & your illegitimate child. Make your other kids aware of mommy's violent tendencies. For their safety as much as they may hate you too, consider filing for custody of them.

[littleblackheart]

OP, posters on LS won't fix this situation for you; only you can do that.

 

You've already chosen your marriage over your little boy for the past 5 years, only now this is starting to affect your son and as you have acknowledged yourself, the situation is only getting worse with your wife's reaction intensifying and it having a ripple effect on your other children.

 

Does anyone in your family (one of your kids, a parent or a friend) feel empathy for this child? Do you have anyone to talk to about your little boy in your close circle that can see the situation for what it is, and can perhaps encourage your wife and children to give this little boy a chance?

 

Sometimes all it takes is a well-meaning outside influence to help diffuse the situation, if therapy can't help.

[Timshel]

OP, a woman is not predisposed to suicidal/homicidal ideation due to peri or post menopause. A licensed therapist is bound ethically to immediately intervene if a client presents as such. So, i am hesitant about this information.

 

However...taking your posts at face value, my advice would be to separate from your wife and if necessary obtain a restraining order. Your wife should receive inpatient care if she is indeed threatening suicide or to physically harm another person.

 

There isn't any question that this situation requires real life intervention from both legal and psychology professionals . All of the children in this circumstance need to be protected and receive counseling.

 

I don't think that I can add anything further. I do hope that you choose to put the needs of all the kids in front of your own.

 

It is possible, with discipline and consistency, to be an effective and loving co parent to all of your children.

 

You will need to take actions now to repair the damage that you have done.

Good luck.

[Brian's dad]

OP, a woman is not predisposed to suicidal/homicidal ideation due to peri or post menopause. A licensed therapist is bound ethically to immediately intervene if a client presents as such. So, i am hesitant about this information.

 

However...taking your posts at face value, my advice would be to separate from your wife and if necessary obtain a restraining order. Your wife should receive inpatient care if she is indeed threatening suicide or to physically harm another person.

 

There isn't any question that this situation requires real life intervention from both legal and psychology professionals . All of the children in this circumstance need to be protected and receive counseling.

 

I don't think that I can add anything further. I do hope that you choose to put the needs of all the kids in front of your own.

 

It is possible, with discipline and consistency, to be an effective and loving co parent to all of your children.

 

You will need to take actions now to repair the damage that you have done.

Good luck.

Thank you. For the safety of my little happy guy, I'll start looking into this today. This morning.

[Brian's dad]

If this is the case you nor your son need to be around her. Definitely give up your rights for the sake of Brian's life. Does Brian's mother know that your wife has expressed this violence toward's him? Your wife needs to be reported to the authorities.

 

No, she doesn't. There have been times where after a confrontation with my wife I've called and said he can't come over. I know that's put her in a bind at times, but she says she understands and usually doesn't ask anything about it.

[beatcuff]

What should I do?

 

you really need an IC to help you sort out your emotions as your usual support system (wife/family) is not available. IC should also help with releasing your guilt. once you do, your vision will get much better: to both families.

 

signing away your rights is almost certainly a terrible idea --- make him feel even more unwanted.

 

D your wife over this is similarly a terrible idea. your current children will feel you are choosing Brian over them.

 

Brian needs to know from YOU he is not a mistake, terrible judgement and/or unwanted.

 

which brings me back to an IC.

 

its a delicate balance between your current family and your past. it is obvious your current family has decided they would prefer to not have anything to do with Brian. that is their choice. actually they have NOT. he is allowed to stay at your house. baby steps... start seeing the positives not the negatives.

 

which brings me back to an IC. working with an IC should be able to focus your attention to the 'wins'/good times not the 'losses'/bad times. and to adjust your expectations --- so the ok times are 'wins'.

 

you should start by forming a connection: take him to a ball game, to a concert or go river swimming (which is every 'freeing'/no rules).

 

good luck.

Edited August 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic comment removed ~T

[d0nnivain]

D your wife over this is similarly a terrible idea. your current children will feel you are choosing Brian over them.

 

His wife has threatened to kill the OP, Brian & herself. She has been physically violent toward the OP.

 

Accordingly he needs to divorce her immediately & get custody of all the kids, plus a restraining order.

[Brian's dad]

His wife has threatened to kill the OP, Brian & herself. She has been physically violent toward the OP.

 

Accordingly he needs to divorce her immediately & get custody of all the kids, plus a restraining order.

 

She's never threatened to kill Brian. Not justifying, just clarifying, if she had I'd be done. She and myself are the only ones she's actually said that about.

 

The last thing I want to do aside from one of my children being hurt is to make my children think anything less of their mother. They love her, more than me for obvious reasons.

[d0nnivain]

But you have said you are scared she's going to hurt Brian.

 

Look I get why she's so pissed but at this point with the violence or threats of violence, you can't stay in this marriage.

 

Will she go to family therapy with you? That is the only possible way to potentially save this but I don't really think there is hope.

 

Every adult in here needs to be focused on what is best for all the children.

[knabe]

She's expressed violent thoughts towards my son' date=' his mother and myself. She's attacked me in the past due to my affair. I've let it go, I get it, but I haven't forgotten it.[/quote']

 

Your wife needs help. Keeping these violent inclinations a secret is WRONG. And yeah, this IS on topic about your son because HE could be hurt due to these thoughts.

 

Brian's issues stem from your WIFE, who thinks she is justified in basically becoming a monster because you cheated. NO betrayal justifies what she is doing or thinking. None.

 

Of all the people in this situation, the one who has the worst character is her. Full Stop. If you want to take care of Brain, you need to do something about HER.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Your wife needs help. Keeping these violent inclinations a secret is WRONG. And yeah, this IS on topic about your son because HE could be hurt due to these thoughts.

 

Brian's issues stem from your WIFE, who thinks she is justified in basically becoming a monster because you cheated. NO betrayal justifies what she is doing or thinking. None.

 

Of all the people in this situation, the one who has the worst character is her. Full Stop. If you want to take care of Brain, you need to do something about HER.

 

I agree with this. Your wife has every right to be angry at you and even hate you. What you did to her and your kids was awful. BUT. She also needs to get to the point of at least SOME kind of acceptance that life dealt her a raw deal and move on and make the best of it. It's not fair, but she's certainly not the only woman to be cheated on (present company included).

[stillafool]

She's expressed violent thoughts towards my son' date='[/b'] his mother and myself. She's attacked me in the past due to my affair. I've let it go, I get it, but I haven't forgotten it.

 

Well that is not what you said above:

She's never threatened to kill Brian. Not justifying, just clarifying, if she had I'd be done. She and myself are the only ones she's actually said that about.

 

The last thing I want to do aside from one of my children being hurt is to make my children think anything less of their mother. They love her, more than me for obvious reasons.

 

But Brian is being made to feel less because of your wife and other kids. Isn't he just as important to you?

[MJJean]

I did everything in my power to not get her pregnant. I wore a condom every single time. Unfortunately' date=' that response was removed. It isn't because I don't want or love my child. I love my wife, and I don't want to get divorced, but that's not the only issue. I'm afraid for my life and hers (my wife's) if I move to divorce. I've been thinking about it.[/quote']

 

If you love your child you must protect him from your wife's dislike and her cruel policies. That's your job as parent. Protect your child from harm. If you are truly afraid your wife would harm herself or you and that it's not just histrionics for effect, then she is extremely mentally ill and needs inpatient professional help. If she threatens to harm herself or others you report her immediately to the local authorities and let professionals handle her. If she needs help, she'll get it whether she likes it or not. If she's threatening self harm for effect, she'll learn a lesson about using threats of suicide as manipulation.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If you love your child you must protect him from your wife's dislike and her cruel policies. That's your job as parent. Protect your child from harm. If you are truly afraid your wife would harm herself or you and that it's not just histrionics for effect, then she is extremely mentally ill and needs inpatient professional help. If she threatens to harm herself or others you report her immediately to the local authorities and let professionals handle her. If she needs help, she'll get it whether she likes it or not. If she's threatening self harm for effect, she'll learn a lesson about using threats of suicide as manipulation.

 

This is the exact advice I was given when my ex-husband (several years ago) threatened this (if I left the house during an argument). At a later time he told me he, of course, was bluffing.

 

OP, your wife doesn't get to act like a lunatic for the rest of her life because something bad happened to her. Life doesn't work that way.

[Michelle ma Belle]

This is the exact advice I was given when my ex-husband (several years ago) threatened this (if I left the house during an argument). At a later time he told me he, of course, was bluffing.

 

OP, your wife doesn't get to act like a lunatic for the rest of her life because something bad happened to her. Life doesn't work that way.

 

Amen. Worth a repost!

[Nowty V]

You need to find somewhere to stay, and things to do, with Brian, away from your regular family. Keep them separate.

 

Treat him [with the same respect] as you would an adult male.

 

provide whatever you can to support his musical endeavours.