Unsure of how to go about caring for my other son

[littleblackheart]

It's impossible to answer that question for you, OP. All you can do is dig deep within your conscience and listen to what it has to say.

 

This poor little boy is stuck in a dreadful situation, wearing the Scarlet Letter in place of his mother and paying the price of his father's betrayal.

 

In truth, I don't really understand why you are not firmer with your wife and children to allow him to have his rightful place as part of your family, and I also don't understand how you can say in your OP that other than this little boy, everything in is going well. It's not, and this little boy is the scapegoat.

[RecentChange]

The whole restaurant thing wouldn't have happened had she been paying attention to what he was doing. It hurts me that I have to do that to my baby' date=' it really does.[/quote']

 

It wouldn't have happened if you TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS!!!

 

And yes that means consequences! Like your friends knowing what you have done.

 

This is not her fault, this is not the child's fault, this is YOUR fault. They were suppose to act a certain way to protect YOU from your own consequences!!

 

So, instead of being a big boy, and taking responsibility, you instead hurt your son. You say it hurts you... but he is the one who hates himself.

[noelle303]

The whole restaurant thing wouldn't have happened had she been paying attention to what he was doing. It hurts me that I have to do that to my baby' date=' it really does.[/quote']

 

It's not her job to live her life always thinking about what's going to jeopardize your ''social standing''.

 

The whole thing wouldn't have happened had you owned up to your mistakes and told your family/friends that you fathered another child. But I guess it's always easier to blame others.

[Timshel]

I really haven't looked much into it because I really don't want to. I love Brian.

 

Yeah, I knew my math was off. She 'just turned 22' and I left out 9 months pregnancy. So 15 or 16 at conception but we don't know when the affair started.

 

Look, OP, you came here for advice and if this post is legit, then we want to help. I think that the legalities would most certainly play a role in all of this because Brian is living proof of statutory rape in the US.

 

Other posters have said that you have allowed this child to take the brunt of your affair from your family and it's spot on. It's easier to have them mistreat Brian than you, right?

 

My advice would be to step up and put an end to the charade. It is not acceptable for your wife to mistreat/shun Brian and the both of you will need to set an example for your teenage kids. Your wife has decided to stand by you and stay with you after this affair. She can't take half, it has to be all.

 

Counseling for all the kids and more mc for yourself and wife.

[JuneL]

 

 

I was out to dinner with a large group of our family, some who don't know about Brian, when he appeared in the doorway. He kept waving at me, and I couldn't wave back or go see him. Finally I had to text her to get him away from my view because people we were with were noticing him. I was so mad at her, but she keeps saying she didn't know I was there. Her story is he was playing with some other kids when he walked over and did that and she had no clue until I told her he was waving at me. I don't know if I believe her though.

 

 

You were "so mad at her"?! Wow, just wow. Why would she even agree to such nonsense as to keep your son from you in the public?!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah, I knew my math was off. She 'just turned 22' and I left out 9 months pregnancy. So 15 or 16 at conception but we don't know when the affair started.

 

 

Right. I hope Brian's mom has a good therapist to help her recover from her victimization.

[Brian's dad]

Look, I can't take it back. Would in a heartbeat even if it meant not having Brian, but I can't. I messed up. I know. I want to do what is right for all of my children and my wife. Brian's mom is her own person. I've never been in trouble for it, so I don't really know or care about it being statutory rape. It's been in front of judges, they know.

 

I'd like to get the focus back on Brian. He's a great kid, I'm in awe of him and he's five. I wish I was more like him.

[RecentChange]

I'd like to get the focus back on Brian. He's a great kid, I'm in awe of him and he's five. I wish I was more like him.

 

So what are you going to do to show Brian that he is as important, and accepted by you as your wife and two other children are.

 

If you want to do right by that kid, that's the answer. He's equal, not less than, not a secret....

 

He needs to see, he needs you to show the world that you are PROUD to be his father, not ashamed to be.

[Brian's dad]

The idea that you have to ignore a 5 year old in public makes me heartsick for the little boy.

Oh believe me, it did me too. That smile and those eyes, and the look on his face when she carried him back into the room they were in just shattered me, and I thought maybe my marriage wasn't worth it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Oh believe me' date=' it did me too. That smile and those eyes, and the look on his face when she carried him back into the room they were in just shattered me, and I thought maybe my marriage wasn't worth it.[/quote']

 

Well, this particular problem could be solved simply by "outing" the situation.

[RecentChange]

Oh believe me' date=' it did me too. That smile and those eyes, and the look on his face when she carried him back into the room they were in just shattered me, and I thought maybe my marriage wasn't worth it.[/quote']

 

Maybe..... But then you decided that your marriage was worth hurting this boy.

[d0nnivain]

Look, I can't take it back. Would in a heartbeat even if it meant not having Brian, but I can't. I messed up. I know. I want to do what is right for all of my children and my wife. Brian's mom is her own person. I've never been in trouble for it, so I don't really know or care about it being statutory rape. It's been in front of judges, they know.

 

I'd like to get the focus back on Brian. He's a great kid, I'm in awe of him and he's five. I wish I was more like him.

 

 

 

We are all happy that you want to focus on Brian. That is a wonderful thing.

 

 

What we are trying to point out is why your wife is having such a hard time accepting your son.

 

 

As the adult for his sake she needs to do better not blaming the innocent child for your very bad behavior. However, because the circumstances of his conception were so hurtful to her -- not just the infidelity but the illegality of it all -- she needs more support then you are giving her.

 

 

You are a very lucky man. I'm not sure most women would stand by their man in her shoes.

 

 

So I reiterate: your family needs FAMILY COUNSELING so everybody your wife & kids can wrap their heads about how Brian came into existence. they may need some help dealing with their feelings for him. the Answer may end up being you get a divorce; you see Brian at the appointed visitation and you see your other kids when they want to see you which may be never.

[Brian's dad]

So what are you going to do to show Brian that he is as important, and accepted by you as your wife and two other children are.

 

If you want to do right by that kid, that's the answer. He's equal, not less than, not a secret....

 

He needs to see, he needs you to show the world that you are PROUD to be his father, not ashamed to be.

 

I am so proud to be his dad. I love how many people love him. I love that he's the pizza store's little mascot, and I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to go in and have pizza and ice cream with him. I can't tell you how close I've been to getting out of the car and going in when I see he's there. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

[littleblackheart]

Your guilt is eating up at you from every corner, and it looks like it's cowering you into inaction.

 

It seems you're the one in need of therapy so you can get your act together and act like a father.

 

This little boy is here now and according to you, his mother is doing a great job raising him so it looks like he'll be fine but if you want to be part of his life in a meaningful and positive way, you need to stop allowing your wife to make you feel guilty for betraying her (that part is done, you can't change that and you're now back together anyway) and do what you need to do for the little boy's sake.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I am so proud to be his dad. I love how many people love him. I love that he's the pizza store's little mascot' date=' and I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to go in and have pizza and ice cream with him. I can't tell you how close I've been to getting out of the car and going in when I see he's there. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.[/quote']

 

So then change it. Publicly claim this child as your offspring. This is not rocket science.

[noelle303]

Oh believe me' date=' it did me too. That smile and those eyes, and the look on his face when she carried him back into the room they were in just shattered me, and I thought maybe my marriage wasn't worth it.[/quote']

 

Are is it your wife who asks of you to keep him a secret and not tell anyone of him? Do you think she'll divorce you if you publicly acknowledge him?

 

If that's the case, maybe you should ask yourself if this is the woman you want to be married to. She's either able to see how her negative feelings are affecting a 5 year old child and willing to work on it, or she's perfectly fine with inflicting lasting damage on to an innocent child and doesn't want to work on it.

[JuneL]

So then change it. Publicly claim this child as your offspring. This is not rocket science.

 

Is it just me, or does anyone else also think the OP is using his family as an excuse for not wanting to acknowledge his relationship with his son publicly?

[littleblackheart]

Is it just me, or does anyone else also think the OP is using his family as an excuse for not wanting to acknowledge his relationship with his son publicly?

 

Not purposefully, but it looks like he's letting it happen by his inaction.

[d0nnivain]

Is it just me, or does anyone else also think the OP is using his family as an excuse for not wanting to acknowledge his relationship with his son publicly?

 

 

No. I don't get that vibe. I do see a guy who makes lousy decisions -- about having sex with a teenager, about dealing with the legal fall out from that, about not acknowledging how hard this "reminder" (poor Brian) is on his family; about some fantasy notion that he can have it all (the original family plus Brian) without consequences.

 

 

A lot of people in this tragedy need to grow up but I genuinely think the guy wants to be part of Brian's life. That said, maybe the best thing for Brian is for him to walk away & stop putting the little guy in conflicting situations. I have to believe that the best parent would put the child's needs first rather than his own selfish desire to be in the kid's life at the cost of the kid's self esteem.

 

 

I am not a child psychologist which is why I keep urging the OP to get everybody into therapy

[Brian's dad]

Okay, so you have ruined the lives of two children. How you're treating Brian is also extremely hurtful to his mother.

 

This whole thing has ruined four kids lives, Brian included. I can't just act like he's the only one.

 

Do I think my wife would divorce me? Absolutely. That was one of her conditions for staying together. There would be no public acknowledgment of Brian. It certainly didn't help when last fall his mom said to my wife "if I wanted him I'd have him." after a disagreement.

[RecentChange]

I am so proud to be his dad. I love how many people love him. I love that he's the pizza store's little mascot' date=' and I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to go in and have pizza and ice cream with him. I can't tell you how close I've been to getting out of the car and going in when I see he's there. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.[/quote']

 

Have you ever heard that love is an action?

 

You wish you could show him how proud you are - but you are too selfish too.

 

Here... this is what a "proud dad" would have done at the restaurant.

 

He comes in, see you. You stand up, invite him over, and present him to the crowd.

 

"Everyone meet Brian! He's my handsome 5 year old. Such a bright kid, you should all see how skilled he is with music some day"

 

But instead, you pretended you didn't know him. You showed that you were ashamed of him.

 

He WILL internalize that. He WILL miss all of those moments, pizza and ice cream which he should have shared with his dad. But his dad was too concerned about his reputation to go create memories with him.

[d0nnivain]

Do I think my wife would divorce me? Absolutely. That was one of her conditions for staying together. There would be no public acknowledgment of Brian. It certainly didn't help when last fall his mom said to my wife "if I wanted him I'd have him." after a disagreement.

 

 

 

Sorry but that is one promise you can't keep. It's destroying a child. If your marriage has to be sacrificed to avoid further damage to this little boy, so be it.

 

 

On this point alone your wife is in the wrong.

 

 

Again her anger has to be addressed. She suppressed it to save your marriage which might not have been a good trade off.

[littleblackheart]

This whole thing has ruined four kids lives, Brian included. I can't just act like he's the only one.

 

Do I think my wife would divorce me? Absolutely. That was one of her conditions for staying together. There would be no public acknowledgment of Brian. It certainly didn't help when last fall his mom said to my wife "if I wanted him I'd have him." after a disagreement.

 

You are holding all the cards, OP. You might think you don't, but you do. Also, that sounds a little bit like emotional blackmail from your wife.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This whole thing has ruined four kids lives, Brian included. I can't just act like he's the only one.

 

Do I think my wife would divorce me? Absolutely. That was one of her conditions for staying together. There would be no public acknowledgment of Brian. It certainly didn't help when last fall his mom said to my wife "if I wanted him I'd have him." after a disagreement.

 

Well, actions have consequences. You might get divorced, but you chose the action, so you choose the consequence.

 

Your wife is an adult with grownup coping mechanisms. Brian is a child with a child's coping mechanisms. She's already had the worst thing ever happened to her and survived. She'd survive this, too. And I doubt she'd go through with the divorce.

 

Do you love your wife or are you just trying to minimize consequences here?

[noelle303]

This whole thing has ruined four kids lives, Brian included. I can't just act like he's the only one.

 

Do I think my wife would divorce me? Absolutely. That was one of her conditions for staying together. There would be no public acknowledgment of Brian. It certainly didn't help when last fall his mom said to my wife "if I wanted him I'd have him." after a disagreement.

 

And does she realize what something like this could do to a young child? How damaging it is for him?

 

Now, the bolded part kinda confirms it to me that you are perfectly aware that your wife is taking her anger and resentment at the mother on Brian. Thereby, emotionally abusing a young child in the process. And she isn't willing to work on this in therapy?