Unsure of how to go about caring for my other son

[d0nnivain]

And does she realize what something like this could do to a young child? How damaging it is for him?

 

Now, the bolded part kinda confirms it to me that you are perfectly aware that your wife is taking her anger and resentment at the mother on Brian. Thereby, emotionally abusing a young child in the process. And she isn't willing to work on this in therapy?

 

 

I got the sense that the teenaged GF / Brian's mom said to the OP's wife that if she the (GF) wanted the OP, she (the GF) could easily take the OP away from his wife. The wife didn't say that. But hearing stuff like that probably made the wife even more invested in keeping the OP away from Brian's mom even if it means keeping him away from his son. Plus the wife still understandably gets upset when she is forced to deal with the living breathing, walking, talking reminder that her husband got a teenager pregnant.

[Brian's dad]

I love my wife. She's one of the smartest, kindest, gentle people I've ever known. She is my best friend, but sometimes she does things that make me wonder if she's the same person.

 

Brian is not brought up in therapy because she has expressed feelings of violence towards him. Feelings. Mind you. We've been dealing with them and want to make sure she is okay. She's never alone with Brian and never will be, but it's always in my mind. I have thought about divorce for that reason.

[Brian's dad]

I got the sense that the teenaged GF / Brian's mom said to the OP's wife that if she the (GF) wanted the OP, she (the GF) could easily take the OP away from his wife. The wife didn't say that. But hearing stuff like that probably made the wife even more invested in keeping the OP away from Brian's mom even if it means keeping him away from his son. Plus the wife still understandably gets upset when she is forced to deal with the living breathing, walking, talking reminder that her husband got a teenager pregnant.

 

Exactly. I know this is a big problem for her.

[d0nnivain]

Brian is not brought up in therapy because she has expressed feelings of violence towards him. Feelings. Mind you. We've been dealing with them and want to make sure she is okay. She's never alone with Brian and never will be' date=' but it's always in my mind. I have thought about divorce for that reason.[/quote']

 

 

Holy molely. Whose idea was it to not talk about this violent desire in therapy?

 

 

Your wife really needs to address this.

 

 

Maybe you do need a divorce.

[Brian's dad]

Holy molely. Whose idea was it to not talk about this violent desire in therapy?

 

 

Your wife really needs to address this.

 

 

Maybe you do need a divorce.

 

I didn't want to continue that conversation. She's on some medication now that I think helps and I have been told that women who are pre menopausal might feel that way.

[littleblackheart]

I didn't want to continue that conversation. She's on some medication now that I think helps and I have been told that women who are pre menopausal might feel that way.

 

What do you want, OP? What would be your preferred outcome?

[noelle303]

I got the sense that the teenaged GF / Brian's mom said to the OP's wife that if she the (GF) wanted the OP, she (the GF) could easily take the OP away from his wife. The wife didn't say that. But hearing stuff like that probably made the wife even more invested in keeping the OP away from Brian's mom even if it means keeping him away from his son. Plus the wife still understandably gets upset when she is forced to deal with the living breathing, walking, talking reminder that her husband got a teenager pregnant.

 

I understand that it was the mom who said it to the wife and that she was referring to the OP.

 

It was a very hurtful thing to say. However, not something actually relates to Brian himself. The fact that the OP implied that it didn't help his wife's relationship with Brian, means that he is aware that the wife takes her hurt and resentment towards the mother (former OW) and takes it out on the child.

 

OP, does she express feelings of violence towards the mother or just towards the child? And is this something she is working on in individual therapy or simply takes meds for it?

[Brian's dad]

She has expressed very violent thoughts regarding his mother. That's something that she's worked on in private, with me, and something I had to go privately discuss with the therapist.

 

My ideal situation would be, my kids love and accept their brother, my wife is able to move passed the affair and also accept my son. Go back to how she was. Brian is known and loved by everyone and is a happy little guy who doesn't even say the word hate because he doesn't have anything to hate.

 

And me, just being a dad and a lover and a friend and a partner. That's what I want.

[Brian's dad]

I find that startling too. It's like it's all happening to someone else and OP is on the outside looking in, powerless.

 

How can you betray the most gentle person you know with a 15yo, proceed to havve a child with her that you keep a secret all the while living in the same town? How is that even possible?

 

Woah, let's stick with her age which was 16 at the time. We live in a big city, and it's growing. We don't mix often.

 

Why did I have an affair because I was unhappy, not having sex, and had just met the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. I wasn't thinking about anything else but what I was getting. I have acknowledged that for five years now.

[littleblackheart]

Woah, let's stick with her age which was 16 at the time. We live in a big city, and it's growing. We don't mix often.

 

Why did I have an affair because I was unhappy, not having sex, and had just met the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. I wasn't thinking about anything else but what I was getting. I have acknowledged that for five years now.

 

So she was 16. I'm just confused as to why this situation has been allowed to fester for so long all the while a little boy has been brought to this world. Also, people talk, even in big cities - you'd be surprised.

 

Look, I can see you are in a delicate situation, mostly of your own doing, but you are in a position to do right by this little boy - isn't he worth all the grief?

[Brian's dad]

So she was 16. I'm just confused as to why this situation has been allowed to fester for so long all the while a little boy has been brought to this world. Also, people talk, even in big cities - you'd be surprised.

 

Look, I can see you are in a delicate situation, mostly of your own doing, but you are in a position to do right by this little boy - isn't he worth all the grief?

 

Yes, he's worth everything. All of my kids are.

[littleblackheart]

Yes' date=' he's worth everything. All of my kids are.[/quote']

 

Great. Don't you think he deserves to know that, instead of being made to feel like an outcast?

[Brian's dad]

He is such a sweet little boy. Today I was tickling him and he stopped me and said "daddy did you know my feet are most tickley? So don't tickle them." Then proceeded to stick his feet in my face so that I would tickle them. I love him, I don't want to hurt him or make him sad or anything like that, but I can't hurt my wife and other kids too.

[noelle303]

Woah, let's stick with her age which was 16 at the time. We live in a big city, and it's growing. We don't mix often.

 

Why did I have an affair because I was unhappy, not having sex, and had just met the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. I wasn't thinking about anything else but what I was getting. I have acknowledged that for five years now.

 

Ok, leaving the history behind - what can you do for the future?

 

Think like Brian's parent - what does he need? He needs to grow into a confident, secure child with people around him who will love him unconditionally - not just when there are no others around.

 

I think it's time that you set the record straight with your wife - she is either willing or not willing to work on setting aside and separating her feelings towards Brian from feelings towards his mom. If she isn't - then you have to choose - it's either Brian or your wife.

 

You stated what you would like to see in the future - but most likely there is no way to get all those things. You may have to settle and choose just some of them, the ones you feel best living with. You can be a dedicated husband and a partner or you can be an active, proud and involved father. It's up to you, but changes need to start happening now.

[littleblackheart]

He is such a sweet little boy. Today I was tickling him and he stopped me and said "daddy did you know my feet are most tickley? So don't tickle them." Then proceeded to stick his feet in my face so that I would tickle them. I love him' date=' I don't want to hurt him or make him sad or anything like that, but I can't hurt my wife and other kids too.[/quote']

 

This situation is untenable though, for all of you but not least for this 5yo. You, and you only, can make this series of wrongs into a right. Your older kids got to have a father in their lives and this little one deserves no less.

 

Your wife and kids are already hurting, this is not going to go away.

[Brian's dad]

Ok, leaving the history behind - what can you do for the future?

 

Think like Brian's parent - what does he need? He needs to grow into a confident, secure child with people around him who will love him unconditionally - not just when there are no others around.

 

I think it's time that you set the record straight with your wife - she is either willing or not willing to work on setting aside and separating her feelings towards Brian from feelings towards his mom. If she isn't - then you have to choose - it's either Brian or your wife.

 

You stated what you would like to see in the future - but most likely there is no way to get all those things. You may have to settle and choose just some of them, the ones you feel best living with. You can be a dedicated husband and a partner or you can be an active, proud and involved father. It's up to you, but changes need to start happening now.

Honestly, he needs me, or maybe I need him. However I think that if my wife and I were to get divorced she might hurt me or herself. I don't think she would do anything to anyone else though.

[Brian's dad]

Anyway back to the little dude who is the reason I'm here. What should I do? Do I ask him what he wants? How do I know what the right things is? I know no matter what someone is going to get hurt.

[RecentChange]

I think the right thing would to bring this all out into the open.

 

He is only 5 now, you have at least 13 more years that you should be parenting him.

 

He should be able to be seen in public with you. He should be able to share his life with you. He should be able to see you demonstrate that you are proud that he is your son, and that you want the world to know.

[elaine567]

She may have managed to persuade a five year old that Daddy was "busy", too busy to see him, or he got mixed up and the man he thought he saw, was not his father... but she is not going to manage to persuade a 7, 9, 11, 13 year old to hide himself away in public from this toxic family situation and the "cowardly" actions of his father.

He is going to start asking serious questions and the fact his father will deny him in public will be very damaging to his mental health long term.

This will not go away.

Something needs to be sorted out here and very soon.

[TunaCat]

If Brian is TRULY important to you, then you need to STOP all the secrecy and be open about it. Open about the fact that you cheated on your wife and had a baby with a teenager. You need to tell your wife that you WILL acknowledge Brian when you see him out in public and she cannot ask you not to because Brian is the innocent one and he doesn't deserve the treatment he's getting from your family.

 

If she leaves you, so what? Why would you want to be married to someone who treats a 5 year old with such contempt?

 

Time to step up and be the father Brian deserves, even if it comes at the expense of your marriage.

[William]

Folks, after doing a little house cleaning I'd like to point out that the OP has respectfully asked that the topic remain focused on his situation with his son and not the details of his affair.

 

I'm going to ask those that have not already heard from me to respect that wish and formulate their responses accordingly. ~T

[Brian's dad]

She may have managed to persuade a five year old that Daddy was "busy", too busy to see him, or he got mixed up and the man he thought he saw, was not his father... but she is not going to manage to persuade a 7, 9, 11, 13 year old to hide himself away in public from this toxic family situation and the "cowardly" actions of his father.

He is going to start asking serious questions and the fact his father will deny him in public will be very damaging to his mental health long term.

This will not go away.

Something needs to be sorted out here and very soon.

 

Yeah, she'd told me after the fact that it had hurt him. He told me sometimes I hurt him inside too. I've actually been hearing that a lot more from him lately. I don't want to hurt him inside.

[Brian's dad]

Ugh

 

I agree with GT about this being one of the most compelling yet flat-out difficult questions I've ever seen posted here.

 

As a mother, I find myself choking up reading your post and just imagining what Brian is going through. The poor child didn't ask for any of this.

 

As a mother, I'm beyond appalled by your wife's behavior towards him. Again, the child is the innocent one in all of this. She can hate on you all she wants but Brian doesn't deserve the treatment he's been getting by anyone on your side, affair child be damned.

 

Having said all of that, I can't side with those who are telling you to give up your rights to him. I just can't do it.

 

At the same time, I don't have any answers for you either. I'm sorry.

 

It might have been one thing to have given up your rights whilst he was an infant and didn't know you or understand anything but to do it when he's 5 seems terribly cruel. He already seems to be suffering so much but I can't imagine the kind of pain he'll have to further endure and carry with him knowing his father abandoned him. And it WILL feel like you abandoned him no matter how you sugar coat it.

 

I don't believe you would be able to let go of him that easily. And I don't believe that giving up your rights to him will solve all your problems either.

 

The only advice I might suggest is therapy for Brian. Sincerely. It's never too young and given his unique predicament and the overwhelming feelings he's having to sort out, I think only a professional can help him, even if only to monitor him more closely.

 

I'm sorry again. I know I'm of no help here but needed to weigh in regardless.

I missed this earlier, and your response brought tears to my eyes for some reason. Thank you for being so sympathetic to my son.

[MJJean]

Look, I can't take it back. Would in a heartbeat even if it meant not having Brian, but I can't. I messed up. I know. I want to do what is right for all of my children and my wife. Brian's mom is her own person. I've never been in trouble for it, so I don't really know or care about it being statutory rape. It's been in front of judges, they know.

 

I'd like to get the focus back on Brian. He's a great kid, I'm in awe of him and he's five. I wish I was more like him.

 

I'd speculate the only reason you didn't get charged with criminal sexual conduct was the fact that the young girl you preyed on didn't have family or concerned adults to report you.

 

You victimized a child. Then you failed to protect her from pregnancy and allowed that child to be victimized by you and your family. Mostly because you didn't want to suffer the shame of your actions.

 

Frankly, if you love this boy, sign away your rights to him and pray his mother finds a good man to raise him to be a good man, because he sure could use a good male role model in his life. You ain't it.

 

* Just to let you know, I am the adult child of an extramarital affair. My father was married with children. My mother was married, but separated, and hadn't seen her legal husband in 4 years when I was born. I last saw my bio father at age 4. I am now 42. I was raised by a step-father and have never missed my bio father being in my life.

Edited August 2, 2017 by MJJean

[Brian's dad]

I'd speculate the only reason you didn't get charged with criminal sexual conduct was the fact that the young girl you preyed on didn't have family or concerned adults to report you.

 

You victimized a child. Then you failed to protect her from pregnancy and allowed that child to be victimized by you and your family. Mostly because you didn't want to suffer the shame of your actions.

 

Frankly, if you love this boy, sign away your rights to him and pray his mother finds a good man to raise him to be a good man, because he sure could use a good male role model in his life. You ain't it.

 

I did everything in my power to not get her pregnant. I wore a condom every single time. Unfortunately, that response was removed. It isn't because I don't want or love my child. I love my wife, and I don't want to get divorced, but that's not the only issue. I'm afraid for my life and hers (my wife's) if I move to divorce. I've been thinking about it.

Edited August 2, 2017 by Brian's dad