Unsure of how to go about caring for my other son

[Brian's dad]

She had an absolute meltdown on Friday, so I took Brian and our youngest to a hotel. My daughter is livid I made her come, but she's the only one I really have any control over. I know she's texting her everything we do, so it really defeats the purpose... but I didn't want her getting hurt.

 

I called Brian's mom and told her we had to leave and to call the hotel phone because I know my wife will be doing everything she can to get my phone records. Now she keeps calling and asking if she can come to the hotel. I don't know why she would do that...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She had an absolute meltdown on Friday, so I took Brian and our youngest to a hotel. My daughter is livid I made her come, but she's the only one I really have any control over. I know she's texting her everything we do, so it really defeats the purpose... but I didn't want her getting hurt.

 

I called Brian's mom and told her we had to leave and to call the hotel phone because I know my wife will be doing everything she can to get my phone records. Now she keeps calling and asking if she can come to the hotel. I don't know why she would do that...

 

Who wants to come to the hotel.....your wife or Brian's mom? Brian's mom might just be worried about her son's safety.

[elaine567]

Your family and Brian are like oil and water they do not mix so the only thing I can see here to do is that you arrange to see Brian alone and keep him well away from your family home.

 

Even I as a adult would have been scared stiff at being hurried away to a hotel for my own safety whilst your wife had a meltdown... I dread to think the effect that would have had on poor little Brian.

Even I feel like taking him home to keep him safe and happy.

YOU as his father need to protect him here from these sort of scenarios.

 

What you did to your wife here isn't fixable, is it?

I guess the older he gets the worse it will get unless she somehow does a 180.

[RecentChange]

These kids are getting traumatized at every turn.

 

Had to run away to a hotel!?! I agree what a stressful and frightening situation.

 

Your wife is out of control. She NEEDS THERAPY. A professional can help her start working through her emotions and give her tools to control them.

 

It's been FIVE YEARS has this gotten any better? Or is it getting worse? You know this isn't sustainable. This is horrible for ALL of your children.

 

You need to start facing the music, and making hard choices for THEM.

 

No more being selfish dad. No more not doing things because it's going to be uncomfortable.

 

You need to stop being a coward, and find your inner bravery for your children.

[littleblackheart]

I agree, your wife is out of control. I don't know about therapy, but right now she badly needs a reality check. She is acting out like a vindictive, selfish child and no one is keeping her in check.

 

OP, time to put your foot down.

Edited August 5, 2017 by littleblackheart

[Brian's dad]

She's gotten worse over the last few years. My children didn't see and I don't think heard our confrontation. She stayed in our room while I grabbed the kids. She did split my lip though, so he saw that, I just told him I accidentally hit it. He's too worried about the pool, as for my daughter I don't know what she knows if my wife said anything.

[knabe]

My concern for Brian and your children is increasing.

 

My sympathy for you is gone. You are enabling an Abuser. And if something happens to Brian it is on you as well. This is an example of when a betrayed spouse is given so much ridiculous latitude because they're hurt, that they turn into a monster. Cheating sucks. Suck it up and stop beating your husband and threatening a 5 year-old. This woman needs to be in therapy or in jail or both.

[littleblackheart]

My concern for Brian and your children is increasing.

 

My sympathy for you is gone. You are enabling an Abuser. And if something happens to Brian it is on you as well. This is an example of when a betrayed spouse is given so much ridiculous latitude because they're hurt, that they turn into a monster. Cheating sucks. Suck it up and stop beating your husband and threatening a 5 year-old. This woman needs to be in therapy or in jail or both.

 

I really think OP is also in desperate need of therapy asap for condoning by his inaction his wife's repeated attacks and putting his whole family in peril.

 

Guilt and a propensity to victimise oneself are powerful tools to a woman scorned and unhinged, and OP's lack of spine is at the heart of it all.

 

I feel so much for these 4 kids, being brought up in such dysfunctional family dynamics.

Edited August 5, 2017 by littleblackheart

[RecentChange]

Please get professional help for your family.

 

The psychological damage is as real as the potential physical damage.

[Brian's dad]

What do I do? Call the cops on her for the kids to see? Give me a break. They don't need to deal with that. Yeah, I suck at being a husband, and a father, but I'm trying for my kids. What am I supposed to say? "Hey kids, sorry you had to watch your mom get taken away, she punched me in the face because I cheated on her and want her to be nice to the little brother you all hate." Those scenarios don't work and I can't leave them. They won't ever forgive me...

[stillafool]

A divorce is not divorcing your kids but your wife. You will still and always have your kids as long as you are a good father. If your wife is so unhappy why doesn't she leave and divorce you instead of taking out on a little kid?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What do I do? Call the cops on her for the kids to see? Give me a break. They don't need to deal with that. Yeah' date=' I suck at being a husband, and a father, but I'm trying for my kids. What am I supposed to say? "Hey kids, sorry you had to watch your mom get taken away, she punched me in the face because I cheated on her and want her to be nice to the little brother you all hate." Those scenarios don't work and I can't leave them. They won't ever forgive me...[/quote']

 

So leave because there is too much toxicity in the house and it isn't good for anyone. The kids already know you cheated. They already know mom's still mad at that. Why not just present it as the best option for everyone, to live in separate houses? It's definitely not a lie!

[littleblackheart]

What do I do? Call the cops on her for the kids to see? Give me a break. They don't need to deal with that. Yeah' date=' I suck at being a husband, and a father, but I'm trying for my kids. What am I supposed to say? "Hey kids, sorry you had to watch your mom get taken away, she punched me in the face because I cheated on her and want her to be nice to the little brother you all hate." Those scenarios don't work and I can't leave them. They won't ever forgive me...[/quote']

 

It's too late, they're already not forgiving you and your family set up is living on borrowed times.

 

Stop playing victim, stop letting your guilt control your actions, stop saying you are trying and actually start facing the situation head on - this won't get better, and this won't go away. Your wife and kids won't suddenly see the light and welcome your boy with open arms, you little boy is too young to understand that none of this is his fault and you may well lose him (were I his mum, I'll be frank and tell you I wouldn't even have him stay with you under the circumstances).

 

Basically, you need to man up.

 

If your wife and kids' feelings are more important to you than dealing with your guilt and taking responsibility, and if you are so weak that you can't take responsibility for this poor child, walk away from him and save him from thisinjust pain. Your family will likely self-implode in the long run anyway because of the build up of resentment and rugsweeping.

 

I don't envy your position, OP, and I do have some empathy because you must fe like you're pulled in every direction. The only way to solve this is to act now.

 

Whatever you decide is up to you and will be on your conscience for life regardless of what you do, but you need to do it now.

Edited August 6, 2017 by littleblackheart

[elaine567]

Why is Brian hanging about in your family home?

YOU are rubbing your wife's nose in the affair every time he shows up there.

BSs get triggered for years after they find out about the affair, your wife has to live with the constant reminder in the shape of Brian, that her husband betrayed her AND slept with a minor.

It is not right and it is not fair for her to take out her anger on Brian, but we all have a limit and few could blame her for her intolerance here.

I am not condoning her actions, but you dangling him in front of her face is like a red rag to a bull. YES she should just get over it and act like it is all "normal" but if she has PTSD as the result of your affair, or she is simply stuck in "rage" and has not moved on one iota, due to the constant reminder that is Brian, it is not that simple.

 

Cheating is a huge deal in anyone's life and I do not think you really appreciate what you did to your wife here. Posters here are still struggling to cope, years and even decades later after a cheating event. I guess your wife is at the end of her tether.

Stop forcing it.

Arrange to see Brian on planned days in places where he is safe and secure and all is calm and drama free. YOUR wife and kids will be happier and so will Brian.

[knabe]

The most unselfish thing you could do is to take the ex OW up on her offer. Period.

 

Oh, and no amount of cheating justifies what this BW is doing. No way.

[noelle303]

Why is Brian hanging about in your family home?

YOU are rubbing your wife's nose in the affair every time he shows up there.

BSs get triggered for years after they find out about the affair, your wife has to live with the constant reminder in the shape of Brian, that her husband betrayed her AND slept with a minor.

It is not right and it is not fair for her to take out her anger on Brian, but we all have a limit and few could blame her for her intolerance here.

I am not condoning her actions, but you dangling him in front of her face is like a red rag to a bull. YES she should just get over it and act like it is all "normal" but if she has PTSD as the result of your affair, or she is simply stuck in "rage" and has not moved on one iota, due to the constant reminder that is Brian, it is not that simple.

 

Cheating is a huge deal in anyone's life and I do not think you really appreciate what you did to your wife here. Posters here are still struggling to cope, years and even decades later after a cheating event. I guess your wife is at the end of her tether.

Stop forcing it.

Arrange to see Brian on planned days in places where he is safe and secure and all is calm and drama free. YOUR wife and kids will be happier and so will Brian.

 

While I understand that everyone reacts differently and it's not fair to compare two people, my own daughter spends time in xMM's home, with his wife and children. She stays there every other weekend. His wife chose to have her there and even though I'm sure it wasn't and possibly still isn't easy, she treats her like the innocent child that she is.

 

I'm sure OP's wife also had some sort of choice in the situation, if nothing else then to get a divorce, and she allowed Brian to come into her home but then proceeded to treat him like garbage.

 

I've said it once and I'll say it again, when she realized that she can't separate Brian from the affair and betrayal, she should have told OP to make different arrangements and see Brian outside the family home. Especially after the violent thoughts started coming in.

 

At this moment, this woman is an abuser and has committed domestic violence. She needs serious help, OP I highly suggest that you not go back home and document your injuries.

[healing light]

Your wife physically assaults you.

 

You ignore your child in public at an extremely impressionable age that is likely to affect his future relationships and has already affected his self-image.

 

All because you don't want your toxic wife to murder you. Or herself. And various other forms of cowardice.

 

You're protecting your abusive wife and public image. That's your priority as demonstrated by your actions here. This is not helping anyone--not your other kids, not you, not poor Brian.

 

Divorce your wife. She's not going to get over this and all your children deserve better. And your son deserves a father who doesn't keep him a secret.

[Southern Sun]

Affairs have permanent consequences.

 

When you chose to have the affair, you set into motion a series of events that you can never undo. Now you have a child. Now you have a wife who is terribly traumatized and unforgiving, to the point of physical assault. She is so hurt that she is choosing to remain in that state, growing ever more angry and resentful, most likely due to the constant exposure of your child with your AP. But this is what you chose.

 

In your ideal world, you can hope for Brian to be integrated into your family; for you to acknowledge him publicly; for your wife and other children to accept him; for your wife to move past this painful time and to forgive. But you don't have control over these things. You only have control of yourself.

 

What will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror tomorrow, in a year, in five years? Considering the choices you've already made, how can you live with the most integrity RIGHT NOW and going forward?

 

One day your older children will look at your actions and judge them. What will they respect more: your honesty with those around you, owning up to your actions, and loving all of your children to the best of your ability? Or hiding from the truth and trying to placate your angry wife? I bet Brian shows up on one of your kids' doorsteps one day, wanting to connect with one of his siblings. How will they feel then?

 

Isn't the BEST thing for you to be transparent, be a proud dad to all of your children, be genuine and loving and there for them all, as well as do your best for your wife - and then let THEM decide on THEIR reactions? YOU do your best. How can you live with anything else?

 

There is a reason it is said 'the truth will set you free.'

[knabe]

With respect, the responsibility for this wife's violent behavior and violent fantasies concerning a five year old are on HER. Not her husband, not the child. HER.

 

I have sympathy that she was betrayed 6 years ago. What she is doing now is unjustifiable. Period.

[littleblackheart]

From your posts, it doesn't seem like you are best placed to make life-changing decisions as you are right in the middle of the drama. In my experience, no good has ever come from making permanent decisions in haste - clear minds should prevail for that to happen.

 

That's why, whatever happens next, that little boy should stay with his mother until things calm down and you are ready to face up to your situation in a rational, considered manner imo.

 

Talks of divorce or therapy are important for the long term, but they will do nothing to secure that little boy's welfare right now.

[Southern Sun]

With respect, the responsibility for this wife's violent behavior and violent fantasies concerning a five year old are on HER. Not her husband, not the child. HER.

 

I have sympathy that she was betrayed 6 years ago. What she is doing now is unjustifiable. Period.

 

Was this directed at me? If so, I did not mean that his affair has caused her to act violently...or more specifically, that her actions are his responsibility. Affairs cause the betrayed great pain, but their reactions are always their own choices.

 

His affair DID cause irrevocable consequences. He has a child. He must own those consequences. His wife's reaction to it (and her anger and resentment) is completely on her. That is what I meant when I said that all he can do is control himself. He must make the right decisions now and others' reactions are on THEM.

[kazen]

I kinda wish your wife would have just divorced you from the beginning, you deserve it. You should have kept the two family apart. That has always been what people did in the past when men had mistresses. They kept them apart and raise the kids separately.

 

At his point, convince your wife to divorce you and let her have everything and apologize to her for making the biggest mistake in your life. Then keep the two family apart. Make sure to let your kids know how much you love them and how you screw up, and you're going to do your best to be there for them. But most important keep Brian away from the other family and do your best to show him how awesome he is and how much you love him. Healing will take time. I just hope things don't get worst than what it already is. Good luck.

[Brian's dad]

When I first found out Brian's mom was pregnant, I gave my wife the choice to divorce, and she didn't want to. We had agreed to make the arrangements that we did for her peace of mind. The more he has been able to talk the worse she's gotten.

 

I love her, she's my best friend. When Brian isn't around, she's fine. I know that is no excuse, and I will probably have to divorce her, but I can't wrap my mind around how different she can be. I take full responsibility for the situation, but don't think the treatment Brian receives from her is justified.

 

Instead of taking him home,I took him to a concert last night, and he loved it. He started telling me how happy he is to be with me. It made me cry because I love him so much.

[elaine567]

 

Instead of taking him home,I took him to a concert last night, and he loved it. He started telling me how happy he is to be with me. It made me cry because I love him so much.

 

 

How did your wife and kids react to you spending time with Brian that didn't actually involve them?

Were they OK with it or was it just as bad as when you take him home with you?

[Brian's dad]

How did your wife and kids react to you spending time with Brian that didn't actually involve them?

Were they OK with it or was it just as bad as when you take him home with you?

 

Didn't tell them.