Unsure of how to go about caring for my other son

[Globug]

You need to sit your wife & kids down together and let them know AGAIN how very sorry you are & that it breaks your heart that you continue to hurt them with Brian. Let them also know it breaks your heart for Brian too because just like them he is innocent in all this. That you wish they could overlook what you did & see him as the innocent child he is but you understand why they cannot. Instead of continue hurting them by bringing him around & instead of continue hurting him where he feels unwelcomed you will start spending your time with him outside the home because even though it sucks you have a responsibilty to ALL your family & that includes Brian. Then be very open & honest when / where you will be spending time with Brian and make sure his mother is no where around. Also tell your wife that she is your best friend, and biggest supporter. That she does not never ever will deserve to face what she is but if she ever gets to a point she can accept Brian for the inncocent child he is there is nothing that would make you prouder or happier then having your best friend & amazing woman be a part of Brian life & a positive influence in his upbringing because look what a great job she has done with your kids.

 

 

That way you are being kind to them but putting your foot down too. And since your wife seems to go violant when the kids are not around it needs to be aid in front of everyone. If they berate you or put you down keep saying: "I can understand why you feel that way. I hate that I have hurt you but I have a responsibility for my mistakes and I will not shirk from them or hide them."

[Whoknew30]

I do pay child support. I've actually wanted to have the amount raised, but every time I petition it, she fights back and always says she "doesn't want my money anyway." She was old enough at the time of the affair. The only real disagreements we have about parenting Brian are: he's not baptized which bugs me, and she is very hands off on things. He walked in with a blue Mohawk on Monday, which was supposedly "his idea " that's what I don't like.

 

My wife and I do go to therapy because of the affair, but there have been very mean things said about Brian that I'm not okay with, and so at least for now he isn't being brought up. It does hurt that it has to be that way, but I love my family and I don't want to lose them.

 

Another way that Brian is a source of contention is her friends own a pizza shop, and over the last year, Brian has become an unofficial mascot. There's a joke that every new pizza has to have Brian's seal of approval, and I know their Facebook page posts little things about him. My son's friends like to go there, but now he won't because of Brian. A few other businesses joke about it too, and it's just a little thing that's popular in that area where the shop is. Not a huge deal, but I know it hurts my family.

 

I'm sorry but IMO, not only are you ridiculous but so is your wife & grown kids. So you basically have sex with an underage girl & the 5 year old is paying the price. Of course he's speaking that way, do you not think he gets things bc he's a kid. Honestly, your behavior is not that of a grown adult man...putting a 5 year old second bc of your own screw up.

 

You need to take charge...tell your wife & your kids that you screwed up & you're sorry but blaming it on a young kid is ridiculous & callous & that behavior makes them no better than your own. Anyone that hides their own flesh & blood is a coward...you're absolutely no different than when you had your affair. You're a coward & less than an adult to allow your son to take the brunt of your screw up...then you're complaining about baptisms when you deny your kid to others...no one can help someone that doesn't want to help themselves & take control of their life.

 

People screw up but no one should have to pay for it forever. If your wife forgave you, then she needs to except your kid, your adult kids are also learning the art of blame shifting & you do nothing to teach them different bc you're afraid to lose them? You're the father, teach on how to own your mistakes like a man...not a coward! It's too late to change things $ if you lose your wife, you were going to anyways. Who wants to be married to someone that takes things out on a child?

[Whoknew30]

Why is Brian hanging about in your family home?

YOU are rubbing your wife's nose in the affair every time he shows up there.

BSs get triggered for years after they find out about the affair, your wife has to live with the constant reminder in the shape of Brian, that her husband betrayed her AND slept with a minor.

It is not right and it is not fair for her to take out her anger on Brian, but we all have a limit and few could blame her for her intolerance here.

I am not condoning her actions, but you dangling him in front of her face is like a red rag to a bull. YES she should just get over it and act like it is all "normal" but if she has PTSD as the result of your affair, or she is simply stuck in "rage" and has not moved on one iota, due to the constant reminder that is Brian, it is not that simple.

 

Cheating is a huge deal in anyone's life and I do not think you really appreciate what you did to your wife here. Posters here are still struggling to cope, years and even decades later after a cheating event. I guess your wife is at the end of her tether.

Stop forcing it.

Arrange to see Brian on planned days in places where he is safe and secure and all is calm and drama free. YOUR wife and kids will be happier and so will Brian.

 

He's the boy dad!!!! The wife knew, either forgive or leave but one can't tell someone they can't bring their child over, I don't care what they went through. Kids should NEVER be punked out. So bc an adult can't cope it's ok to take it out on a child bc their dad screwed your over. That's the most disgusting logic I've heard...that's worse than a cheaters logic.

 

So yes I do blame a BS that can't divorce but is ok with treating a kid like crap...it's a 100% her fault for staying after she knew. BD have options after DDay, "dangling him in front of her face"...the fact that some adults think this is way is just so narcissistic & disgusting logic towards a child.

 

No excuse for an affair & NEVER is there an excuse to mistreat a child! Ever!

[elaine567]

He's the boy dad!!!! The wife knew, either forgive or leave but one can't tell someone they can't bring their child over, I don't care what they went through. Kids should NEVER be punked out. So bc an adult can't cope it's ok to take it out on a child bc their dad screwed your over. That's the most disgusting logic I've heard...that's worse than a cheaters logic.

 

So yes I do blame a BS that can't divorce but is ok with treating a kid like crap...it's a 100% her fault for staying after she knew. BD have options after DDay, "dangling him in front of her face"...the fact that some adults think this is way is just so narcissistic & disgusting logic towards a child.

 

No excuse for an affair & NEVER is there an excuse to mistreat a child! Ever!

 

No-one said it was right or fair, but we live in the real world and...

 

Is she going to divorce?

Um... not if she can help it

Is she ever going to accept Brian?

Um...no.

 

This I guess boils down to territory and fighting for the rights of HER children.

Not only has the OW encroached on her territory, but the OW also has the audacity to plonk her offspring straight into the marital nest, a nest that was built for the genuine products of the marriage, not for some "interloper".

Blood is thicker than water. The wife has no tie to Brian and unlike an adopted child or even a step child, who both may be very much wanted, she has no desire to care for a child that she doesn't want anything to do with.

She wants Brian gone, out of her life, out of her kid's lives and especially out of her husband's life, so all can get back to the way things used to be...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So yes I do blame a BS that can't divorce but is ok with treating a kid like crap...it's a 100% her fault for staying after she knew.

 

Yes. This.

 

OP, if you didn't tell your family you were with Brian at a concert, where did they think you were??

[noelle303]

No-one said it was right or fair, but we live in the real world and...

 

Is she going to divorce?

Um... not if she can help it

Is she ever going to accept Brian?

Um...no.

 

This I guess boils down to territory and fighting for the rights of HER children.

Not only has the OW encroached on her territory, but the OW also has the audacity to plonk her offspring straight into the marital nest, a nest that was built for the genuine products of the marriage, not for some "interloper".

Blood is thicker than water. The wife has no tie to Brian and unlike an adopted child or even a step child, who both may be very much wanted, she has no desire to care for a child that she doesn't want anything to do with.

She wants Brian gone, out of her life, out of her kid's lives and especially out of her husband's life, so all can get back to the way things used to be...

 

Wow, a nice way to refer to a child. I can't understand this mindset, a child of an affair is not an intruder themself - you can refer to the OW as an intruder, but a child? They don't ask to be brought into this world.

 

I can understand the wife's feelings in not accepting Brian. It's actually more common among betrayed sposes than not. But all she had to do was to say ''Hey, I'm not cool with this, if we're gonna work on our marriage either go NC with the fOW and the child or see him somewhere else.'' I don't see how the fOW was the one with the audacity to ''plonk'' her child in their home? I'm sure she wasn't the one to force the issue and demand that the child goes there.

 

My child goes to the marital home of her father and his wife. I didn't ''plonk'' her there. I was assured that all parties were fine with it and she'll be well looked after and so far that has been the case. She's not treated as an intruder in their home because that's not what she is. She's not me, she's a little person in her own right.

[Cookiesandough]

How horrible. This is a question no one but you can answer.

[Whoknew30]

No-one said it was right or fair, but we live in the real world and...

 

Is she going to divorce?

Um... not if she can help it

Is she ever going to accept Brian?

Um...no.

 

This I guess boils down to territory and fighting for the rights of HER children.

Not only has the OW encroached on her territory, but the OW also has the audacity to plonk her offspring straight into the marital nest, a nest that was built for the genuine products of the marriage, not for some "interloper".

Blood is thicker than water. The wife has no tie to Brian and unlike an adopted child or even a step child, who both may be very much wanted, she has no desire to care for a child that she doesn't want anything to do with.

She wants Brian gone, out of her life, out of her kid's lives and especially out of her husband's life, so all can get back to the way things used to be...

 

Your logic is the reason why some considered women to be less than men.

 

So bc his wife doesn't have back bone enough to divorce, lets teach HER kids to take it out in a defenseless child bc mom is too weak to face life herself??? So that's ok?

 

They're both terrible parents, cowards & selffish. Both! No one is in the right here, they're all in the wrong. I personally find it insulting to women as a whole, that think & teach to other kids it's ok to take adult issues out on a small child. It's disgusting & indefensible & a blood parent that allows it is just as bad.

 

The child isn't going anywhere, no one can go back. So instead of them all focusing on the child, maybe they should all take a good look in the mirror of what horrible adults they all are & yes that includes the wife...

 

OP, grow up & be a actual man. Your wife is not your best friend anymore, she allowed your issues to turn into a hateful woman & as much as you screwed up & set your family out of whack, she can not blame you for her behavior now, which is rubbing on your kid's....every single one of them. Get away from your cowardly way of handling things & man up for your kid's, all of them. If you don't stop it now, you're going to have a miserable future...any person that puts a child second to themselves, will never have a good life (I've seen it so many times). You have another chance with your older kids & you can bridge the gap by teaching them, it's not their little brother's fault. Doing the right thing can be hard but good can come out of a wrong situation, just takes honest & hard work.

 

Also this will publicly come out & when it does, no one is going to trust or respect either you or your wife. Being crappy to a kid falls lower on the list than an A in society standards...I just really feel sorry that this poor boy was handed such a toxic people in his life at such a young age.

[knabe]

Being crappy to a kid falls lower on the list than an A in society standards

 

This. To anyone who is psychologically healthy, this is the truth.

 

I still think your wife needs to go to jail.

[elaine567]

 

So bc his wife doesn't have back bone enough to divorce, lets teach HER kids to take it out in a defenseless child bc mom is too weak to face life herself??? So that's ok?

 

It's not OK, of course it isn't, but from her POV it is.

I doubt her staying in the marriage is due to lack of back bone. She stays because her husband done her wrong and she is digging in here, probably for the sake of HER kids.

[Whoknew30]

It's not OK, of course it isn't, but from her POV it is.

I doubt her staying in the marriage is due to lack of back bone. She stays because her husband done her wrong and she is digging in here, probably for the sake of HER kids.

 

It's absolutely bc she has no back bone...only a no back bone, severely insecure woman would behave how she is...all she is teaching HER kids is...it's ok to be insecure, hateful & blamshift your anger to those that are meeker than yourself.

 

She's really looking out for her kids by being a complete psycho...though OP is also a insecure man with no back bone. I personally think the only kid that has a shot of being decent is the little boy bc hopefully his mom gets married to a decent man & he ends up having a good father...

[Brian's dad]

My wife and I are talking about divorce. She is adamantly saying she doesn't want one...

 

I was walking through the grocery store with my parents when Brian ran up to us and wanted me to pick him up. I did and we talked to him for a few minutes, and then his mom came over. My parents have seen him only a handful of times, and my mom actually was a little rude to her. My mom and my wife are very close, and any mention of the affair just sets her off. It was really awkward.

 

Then he asked me for a guitar, so I think I'm going to buy him one.

[d0nnivain]

The little boy's grandmother was rude to him? How heartbreaking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't buy the kid a guitar. Do spend money on great therapists.

[Brian's dad]

The little boy's grandmother was rude to him? How heartbreaking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't buy the kid a guitar. Do spend money on great therapists.

 

No, not Brian. His mom when she walked over to get him.

[grays]

I am floored that your mom would be rude to Brian's mom. She was a child when she got into this. How on earth could these grown women (your mom and wife) be feeling the way they do and treating her this way?

[JuneL]

The more I read this thread, the more I'm convinced that Brian would be probably better off without you in his life.

[basil67]

My wife and I are talking about divorce. She is adamantly saying she doesn't want one...

 

Then he asked me for a guitar, so I think I'm going to buy him one.

 

It's good that your wife doesn't want a divorce. It gives you the power to say "If you will be kind to Brian, I will not divorce you" She can do with that what she wishes.

 

Are you going to see that Brian gets guitar lessons to go with the guitar? No sense in buying him something that he can't use.

[JuneL]

OP: Were you considered a "nice guy" before this fiasco? Let me guess, you usually have a gentle demeanor and are conflict avoidant and are trying to please everybody. At the end, you ended up doing something extremely cruel, to many parties involved, and you continue to hurt many people...

[Brian's dad]

You Sorry, wrong person

[Brian's dad]

I am floored that your mom would be rude to Brian's mom. She was a child when she got into this. How on earth could these grown women (your mom and wife) be feeling the way they do and treating her this way?

 

 

 

Ya know, I don't really know. My wife I get, but not my mom. I was the adult in the situation, and I didn't act like one, so they should be mad at me.

[Brian's dad]

It's good that your wife doesn't want a divorce. It gives you the power to say "If you will be kind to Brian, I will not divorce you" She can do with that what she wishes.

 

Are you going to see that Brian gets guitar lessons to go with the guitar? No sense in buying him something that he can't use.

 

Yes, I'm also looking into lessons. I know his mom knows a little, but probably not enough to really teach him.

[MJJean]

It's clear your family (wife, kids, parents) don't want anything to do with Brian and his mother. It's also clear your wife doesn't want a divorce. I don't see why you can't simply spend visitation with Brian away from your home and family. Don't take him where he's not wanted. That simple. Don't bring him to the house where your legitimate family live. If he approaches you in public when you're with your family, walk away to speak with him and rejoin the family when you're done. Do what you did during the affair...compartmentalize. Brian in one compartment, your family in another, no need for them to mingle.

[Brian's dad]

OP: Were you considered a "nice guy" before this fiasco? Let me guess, you usually have a gentle demeanor and are conflict avoidant and are trying to please everybody. At the end, you ended up doing something extremely cruel, to many parties involved, and you continue to hurt many people...

 

I guess you could say that.

[Brian's dad]

It's clear your family (wife, kids, parents) don't want anything to do with Brian and his mother. It's also clear your wife doesn't want a divorce. I don't see why you can't simply spend visitation with Brian away from your home and family. Don't take him where he's not wanted. That simple. Don't bring him to the house where your legitimate family live. If he approaches you in public when you're with your family, walk away to speak with him and rejoin the family when you're done. Do what you did during the affair...compartmentalize. Brian in one compartment, your family in another, no need for them to mingle.

 

My little boy was running to me with his arms out, laughing. I wasn't going to turn him away... I may not be a good dad, or even person, but I do have a heart.

[JuneL]

My little boy was running to me with his arms out' date=' laughing. I wasn't going to turn him away... I may not be a good dad, or even person, but I do have a heart.[/quote']

 

The poster told you to take Brian away and interact with him in the absence of your toxic family.