overcoming my ego

[Hbroken]

I think i knew my A needed to end. I also know that my AP tried her hardest to wait for me in the hope that we could be together one day. I wanted her to end it so that i could be free because i didnt think i was strong enough. One day she did. That was a few weeks ago. Since then i have struggled with grief but also with the idea of letting go. I have also felt resentful and bitter at the thought that she could suddenly let go like this. I know part of the reason is my ego which has taken a battering and also loss of control because she dumped me (even though this is what i wanted secretly because i didnt think i could finish my marriage for her).

I would like to move forwards. I would like to forgive. I would like to overcome my ego which i think is holding me back.

Can anyone give me some practical tips by which i can overcome my ego to allow me to move forwards without regret or bitterness

[Cali408]

Just keep telling yourself the situation is hopeless. Are you going to throw away your whole family for your mistress? Of course not. You had your fun, the pain you're going through is your brain screaming for the dopamine.

 

The best thing you can do, is get off social media, block her number and walk away.

 

Time heals wounds. Go to the gym, work out like a demon, live the best life you can going forward. You'll miss the old one, for sure, but it's not healthy.

 

You'll take years off your life, with the stress of hiding it, guilt, worrying about being caught.

 

Read Proverbs, about affairs. Think it's chapter 5 or 6

[lemondrop21]

Um. Do you have any idea how much strength it must have taken for her to end it? She is surely in a world of pain right now.

 

You made your choice and you still have your wife to go back home to. You didn't get caught. Lucky you.

[Hbroken]

Um. Do you have any idea how much strength it must have taken for her to end it? She is surely in a world of pain right now.

 

You made your choice and you still have your wife to go back home to. You didn't get caught. Lucky you.

 

I know....but you know freedom is a basic human need and she is now at least free.......... whereas i still need to find my freedom by really doing some very umcomfortable reflection and understanding why i strayed in the first place

[waterwoman]

I know....but you know freedom is a basic human need and she is now at least free.......... whereas i still need to find my freedom by really doing some very umcomfortable reflection and understanding why i strayed in the first place

 

Indeed. The sooner the better. You have ended your affair in order to retain your marriage. Now is the time to do that painful reflection and hard work to ensure your marriage is worth retaining. Currently it isn't as it's built on a big fat lie.

 

Keep NC, keep busy, get some counselling, consider telling your wife what's been going on and take the risk your marriage may end in the interests of building a better one. Start concentrating and giving your time and attention to the future not the past.

[Hbroken]

Indeed. The sooner the better. You have ended your affair in order to retain your marriage. Now is the time to do that painful reflection and hard work to ensure your marriage is worth retaining. Currently it isn't as it's built on a big fat lie.

 

Keep NC, keep busy, get some counselling, consider telling your wife what's been going on and take the risk your marriage may end in the interests of building a better one. Start concentrating and giving your time and attention to the future not the past.

 

i agree... i agree with all this. Problem is that i work in the same place as my AP and cant avoid her forever. second problem is that this was a 5 year A:-(

[Bufo]

Goal: you wanted to end the A.

Impediment: you couldn't do so on your own.

Solution: she ends the A at a time and manner of her choosing.

 

That should have been the end of it except for feelings of sadness.etc.

You hit what you wanted and she got what she wanted.

 

But, and there's always. But..., now you are hurt that she ended the A rather than you.

 

Guy survive their long-term wives leaving them. And even taking the kids. Move down the index and read some D threads.

[whichwayisup]

I know....but you know freedom is a basic human need and she is now at least free.......... whereas i still need to find my freedom by really doing some very umcomfortable reflection and understanding why i strayed in the first place

 

Freedom isn't a basic human need when you're married. If you feel this way then you shouldn't have gotten married. Maybe you're using the wrong word because what you're saying doesn't make sense or I'm misunderstanding.

If you wanted to divorce, you would! You chose not to and your OW chose not to wait for you so she found the courage to end it (because it was best for her) and end things with you.

 

Rid of your ego, find compassion and then maybe you'll rid of your anger and resentment.

[whichwayisup]

i agree... i agree with all this. Problem is that i work in the same place as my AP and cant avoid her forever. second problem is that this was a 5 year A:-(

 

You can avoid her forever especially since you're the one who is married. You can quit your job and find another one or transfer to another location if possible (if your job is able to accommodate that).

 

You can avoid personal conversations with her, and keep it professional. No small talk or lusting looks.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I think i knew my A needed to end. I also know that my AP tried her hardest to wait for me in the hope that we could be together one day. I wanted her to end it so that i could be free because i didnt think i was strong enough. One day she did. That was a few weeks ago. Since then i have struggled with grief but also with the idea of letting go. I have also felt resentful and bitter at the thought that she could suddenly let go like this. I know part of the reason is my ego which has taken a battering and also loss of control because she dumped me (even though this is what i wanted secretly because i didnt think i could finish my marriage for her).

I would like to move forwards. I would like to forgive. I would like to overcome my ego which i think is holding me back.

Can anyone give me some practical tips by which i can overcome my ego to allow me to move forwards without regret or bitterness

 

 

It takes relentless focus on you and why you got where you are now.

 

Hobbies old and new, activities etc can help. But, they are there to whatever gets you through the night kinda thing.

 

If you really want to heal from this, it takes hard work of looking into and inspecting all the drawers of your brain and mind to fully understand yourself.

 

There is a couple here on LS...Mr. And Mrs. John Adams I think it's their username...their story is remarkable, and their tenacity and determination of overcoming what they went through affair wise is beyond words. There are many other stories here you can read. Theirs stands out.

 

If it's only ego, it shall pass. Fairly quickly, I suppose.

 

The tricky and tremendously more hard road to take is if you know consciously or unconsciously there is more to it than just an ego.

 

Road less travelled....sooner or later you have to take it.

[Bittersweetie]

xOM ended things the first time and I will admit that part of the reason I would reach out to him is because I thought if I could reel him back in, then I could be the one to end things. Then I would have the power.

 

It didn't turn out that way. I got sucked in even more, then dropped again.

 

Like Lemondrop said, it took a ton of courage for your OW to end things, especially after 5 years. Try not to let your ego take over and reach out. You have a lot of work to do on yourself after being in an A for five years while married. Focus on that and allow her to heal on her own.

 

I was a MW and probably the biggest thing that happened to overcome my ego was my d-day. It is incredibly humbling and horrible to see your spouse in intense pain that you yourself caused.

 

I realize you may not be ready, but I am an advocate for truth. Your wife has been living a lie for the past five years while your ego has been puffed up and you've had control over it all. Maybe it is time to give your wife the gift of truth so she can make her own choices.

 

Confessing it not easy and it is beyond painful for everyone involved. I know, I've done it. But maybe you should think about leveling your marriage playing field.

 

As for moving on without regret...I still live with regret, almost ten years after the affair. Not regret in relation to xOM...regret of what I did to my husband. I was the one who was supposed to have his back and I didn't. I've worked really hard on myself in these past ten years to make sure nothing like that ever happens again, for him and for myself. I never again want to be the kind of person who makes those choices.

 

My H and I are still together. And while life isn't perfect, I am so much happier now, living authentically, than I ever was in the affair.

 

I hope this wasn't too much of a lecture...good luck.

[MissG]

I know....but you know freedom is a basic human need and she is now at least free.......... whereas i still need to find my freedom by really doing some very umcomfortable reflection and understanding why i strayed in the first place

 

That's what I am thinking and what also helps me tremendously as the xOW.

I would never want to go back to a bland M after an A that was passionate and intense. I do have my freedom and my freedom to choose. This is precious to me. I'd rather be alone than fully re-commit to a marriage in which I was unfaithful, because I was getting something I wasn't getting at home. I think in this respect many MM suffer more after the A than the xOW. I have never once envied him for being able to "go back to normal".

[ladydesigner]

Yikes! I didn't realize you were M'd when I posted on your other post. Well I am not sure I can be as sympathetic as i was on your other post. I think you both were using each other to get out of your situations. Please find yourself an IC (independent counselor) to work out why YOU would have an A.

[ladydesigner]

That's what I am thinking and what also helps me tremendously as the xOW.

I would never want to go back to a bland M after an A that was passionate and intense. I do have my freedom and my freedom to choose. This is precious to me. I'd rather be alone than fully re-commit to a marriage in which I was unfaithful, because I was getting something I wasn't getting at home. I think in this respect many MM suffer more after the A than the xOW. I have never once envied him for being able to "go back to normal".

 

Most A's are passionate and intense but it doesn't mean that it is true love or meaningful. All Marriages lose some of that passion as time goes on and it is unfair to compare an A to a M. It's like comparing apples to oranges!

[MissG]

Most A's are passionate and intense but it doesn't mean that it is true love or meaningful. All Marriages lose some of that passion as time goes on and it is unfair to compare an A to a M. It's like comparing apples to oranges!

 

I hear you and I know what you mean - been in LTAs before myself - however, what I am saying is that I would not be satisified going back to mediocre and bland if I had experieced something stronger and more intense before. But that's just me.

[freengreen]

Most A's are passionate and intense but it doesn't mean that it is true love or meaningful. All Marriages lose some of that passion as time goes on and it is unfair to compare an A to a M. It's like comparing apples to oranges!

 

Amen....sister