NC officially starting today, when will she call me? Place your bets now! (LONG)

[sparky3]

Today begins the no contact with my girlfriend. Here's a quick summary of my/our story:

 

1. I met Joy through a mutual acquaintance, and we hit it off quickly. I met her in March of 2003, exactly 12 days after my Mom's funeral (she passed away from bladder cancer at 55). The relationship always had spark and we were inseperable; in August of 2004 she moved into my house.

2. She had some financial problems that led to her declaring a bankruptcy in October of 2004, and I was temporarily out of work from October to January. I still had plenty of money saved up so I wasn't as stressed as you'd think, but these financial factors put a strain on our relationship.

3. The first half of 2005 saw us being in a rut together; we didn't spend as much time together as we should've and we didn't communicate really that well. We still had plenty of good moments, but as the days went by I began to wonder about our future together.

4. In the back of my mind, I always had wondered if she was a temporary girlfriend to help me deal with the loss of my mother that had just extended, or if she was the real thing.

5. In May of this year she told me she'd bounced two checks, and I gave her a really hard time about it considering my views on bankrupcty and wiping the slate clean.

6. In late June I took a business trip out of town for work, and I called her and told her I felt I wasn't missing her as much as I should be, and that I was trying to decide whether or not we should break up when I come back. She told me that she hoped we could work everything out, and sent me an email saying she can't picture her life without me in it.

 

July 15th, 2005 - I felt like something had to change. I was depressed and not feeling anything in the relationship. I needed to know if her and I were meant to be together or not, so I asked her to move out. She did that weekend, and her sister came down and helped her move.

 

July 18th/19th - We spoke, but had very casual conversation about her getting the rest of her things.

 

Wed 20th - I called off work that day, and spent about 12 hours staring at the walls. I came to the conclusion at the end of the day that I'd made a HUGE mistake and I wanted her back. I called her and she agreed to come up Thursday and talk to me.

 

Thurs 21st - She came over, we made love and went out to dinner. She told me she'd see me the next night, but she wanted to talk to me about things then.

 

Friday 22nd - She came over again, and this time she told me she was scared and wanted some time to think about things. We made love again, and agreed to continue to be boyfriend and girlfriend but to not jump right back full blast into things.

 

Saturday the 23rd. My "Black" Saturday. She moved into a close girlfriends house not too far away, who lives with her boyfriend. They have a pool. Joy LOVES to swim and be in the water all the time. I was doing ok with giving her some room about things, but at about 7:00 another girlfriend of hers mistakenly called my house looking for Joy. So I went psycho trying to find her - no one knew where she was. She had been having a yard sale that day, and they hadn't heard from her since about 5:00. In a psycho move, I drove by the house she was staying at about 10:00, and she wasn't there. I kept calling and drove back again around 11:30 and her car was there. I kept calling and no one answered, and I had no idea where she'd been.

 

Sunday the 24th - I stayed up all night and called her crying at around 8:30 A.M. Apparently she'd gone out to a bar with a girlfriend the night before. I begged and pleaded to see her, and she agreed to come and see me for breakfast. We talked and stuff, and yet again we came back and made love. Now, she's the type of girl that doesn't do that without emotion attached, and I'm not either.

 

Monday 25th - Psycho day II. I talked to her at work and she was crying, saying she didn't know how to fix our situation. I had sent her flowers to be delivered that day, so I took a long lunch and went over to see her. I begged her to come over for a short time after work, and she agreed. I also asked for the phone numbers of her sister, mother, and close friend she was staying with to explain to them how sorry I was and how I'd never hurt her again. I called the friend and things went ok, but it was a huge mistake trying to call her sister. I couldn't reach the sister so I just left her a voice message. Well, the sister called her at work right before she left and told her "Don't have him call me, I don't want to get in the middle of this". Of course, Joy, who hates conflict, got really upset by this. She came over crying and told me NOT to call her, her friends, or her family, and that she NEEDS space and time to work all this out.

 

Tuesday/Wednesday - I somehow manage to not call her.

 

Thursday the 28th - I broke down and called her at work. She said "I tried SO HARD not to call you yesterday" and "I really miss you and want this to work". I asked if she was glad I called, and she said she was. It was a very brief conversation.

 

Friday the 29th - Psycho day III for me. Since she's off Friday and has a key to my house, I made sure it was spick 'n' span for her because I assumed she'd come over and get her mail that day. Keep in mind she hasn't changed her address and still has a key. I got home and noticed she hadn't come up to get her mail. This made me feel sad and desperate, so I called and went down to her friend's house where she was staying. She wasn't there. I drove back home and called again, this time she'd just come back and answered. I told her I had to see her and I needed to know what was going on with our relationship. She told me "I told you I needed space, yet you called yesterday and you're here today unannounced. You do what you have to do". Of course this was crushing to hear. Finally we both calmed down, she walked me to the door, and I mentioned that she could see me Sunday if she wanted to.

 

Saturday the 30th - We didn't speak.

 

Sunday the 31th - She called at 1:00; She said "I'm out at the pool, but I was thinking 7:00 tonight I'll just come up. Please call me back and let me know either way - just leave a message". So I called back and left the message, and she came up around 6:45. We had our best night ever since she moved out; made love and had great conversation about life, marriage, kids, family, etc. She told me I could call her at work again but not to call her friends house for now.

 

August 1st, Monday - Last psycho day for me. We had been SO CLOSE the night before and had such meaningful conversation that I called her a bit too often at work. During the 2nd call she immediately said "I was thinking I'd come up Thursday", but then I was being such a pain in the ass over analyzing everything on the phone that she even said "Honey, don't go crazy! Don't go crazy!" After way too many bothersome calls to her by me, I told her I'd just see her Thursday and I wouldn't call her again until then.

 

Keep in mind that everytime we've talked she says she sees us working out, that we're still boyfriend and girlfriend, and she has no interest in dating or being around any other guys. Her line is always "This will work out honey if you can just be patient".

 

August 2nd - Tuesday - I don't call her, and she doesn't call me.

 

08/03 - Wed - She calls me at work around 2:00 P.M. just to talk; I was ironically on the other line talking to another friend about our situation so I kept the conversation short. She told me that she was going to visit her parents Wednesday night and that she'd be over Thursday after work. This was the first time I'd gotten off the phone first, and was somewhat proud of myself.

When I got home from work Wednesday, she had left a message for me around 11:30 (2.5 hours before she called me at work) basically saying the same thing, that she was going out to her parents and that she'd see me Thursday.

 

08/04 - Thursday - She came up, and we got along great and made love THREE TIMES that night. I told her I was finished being psycho and I don't know what had come over me, just that I missed her so much and I finally realized this wasn't going to be a "quick fix" getting her to move back in. She told me it could take a couple of months and that she didn't have a deadline on anything. She left a note for me the next morning reemphasizing that if I'm patient it'll all work out and she loves me. We made love a 4th time in the morning before I left for work.

 

08/05 - Friday - Feeling more confident about everything, I call her at her friend's house and we had good conversation. We made plans to go out Saturday night.

 

08/06 Saturday - She calls about 3:00 P.M. and I was out bicycling and said "I'll just be up there at 7:00. DON'T call here because I won't be here, I'll just see you then". So I didn't call, and she called again around 6:30 and asked me if we were still on for tonight. I said "Of course" and also told her she didn't need to tell me not to call her at the friend's house, and that I understood not to call her there. She came up, and I asked her if I could make love to her, or maybe she even initiated it. We got ready and went to the restaurant we met each other at. We basically talked and talked about everything and relived the moment, and had a great time. We went to see Wedding Crashers and both agreed that it wasn't a very good movie. She came back home and we made love again and talked until 4:00 in the morning. Tonight she actually called me and told me she made it home ok. I asked her if she'd call back and leave a message for me so I'd have something to listen to while we were apart. The message is exactly this, as I've listened to it over and over. "Hi Honey, it's me. I just got home, and I'm thinking about you. You'll be the last thing I think about when I go to bed tonight and the first thing I'll think about in the morning. Just remember that everything is going to work out and be ok. Also remember that I love you, and I never stopped loving you. Just remember that. Goodnight, I love you"

 

08/07 Sunday - She didn't want to stay the night before as her girlfriend was throwing a birthday party for her boyfriend that she lives with's father. She also told me the night before that she didn't regret staying the night Thursday night, but she thinks it may have been a little too soon. She called Sunday with a stereo receiver question and we didn't really talk that long.

I was really surprised, but she called around 7:00 P.M. and asked me if I'd like to come down and join the party - they were playing Texas Hold'Em and swimmming and to bring my trunks. I tell you I couldn't have driven any faster to get there. She was actually waiting on me once I showed up, which made me feel great. It was very awkward being around all of her friends for the first time since she moved out, as I assumed most of them were telling her to forget about me. A very close married couple to her talked to me, and the husband was really cool and pulled me aside, saying "I know what you guys are going through, and please don't think you don't have any allies down here. Some of Joy's friends are bitches and want her to be miserable like they are. If you ever need to talk to me about this don't hesitate to call". I later pulled his wife aside and told her I was going to marry Joy, and that this whole experience has really opened my eyes at to what a strong person she was and how much I respected and loved her. Joy and I sat out in my car and had another huge long talk. She told me she'd call me the next day at work.

 

08/08 Monday (yesterday) - I called her at work and we had a great conversation. She told me she'd call me back when she wasn't so busy. Sunday I asked her if we could spend Saturday together, and she did call back and I told her I wanted to go to Amish country for the day. She said that sounds great, and that she'd call me before she went to bed that night. So late last night I thought about reserving a bed 'n breakfast for us, and I called her around 9:00. She seemed put off that I hadn't waited for her to call me, and I asked her nicely about going to stay out of town on Saturday. She told me she wasn't sure, and if I could just wait for her to decide the next morning. I said "Ok, but why aren't you sure? You won't be in our home; it'll be a totally seperate environment for you" She said "You never listen to me. I said I'm not sure, and I don't have to explain why. I feel pressure about this is why I'm not sure". I told her that I couldn't believe how distant she was being, especially considering the last few days of how close we were. I asked "Do you want us to just NOT talk to each other for a while?" She said "No, I don't want that". Then, after re-hashing the same discussion over and over, she told me that our method of reconciliation felt forced and we should just take it naturally. I told her it was hard because of the mixed-messages she was giving me, and she said "You're right, I am sending you mixed messages". I told her she was always really distant right after us getting close again, and she said two things.

1. She was really scared, and

2. She was really worried that I'd change my mind about my feelings; that my feelings would fade.

She had told me repeatedly "I know you, and this is about the time that you'll say F*** it to waiting around for me". I of course repeatedly told her that my feelings were crystal clear and would never change.

So, since she's tired of continually talking about everything, she said "Let's just not talk to each other until I see you on Saturday". This was, of course, after I asked her to see her on Wednesday or Thursday. Me of course applying more pressure, but at this point I thought it would be mutual and ok, especially considering how much time I'd seen her for the last 4 days.

I told her, you know what Joy? I haven't given you the space you've been asking for - let's make it not this Saturday but the Saturday after next. She said "Oh, I don't think I can go that long without talking to you". Finally she agreed. She repeatedly said "Don't be surprised if I call you before then" and I finally said "Joy, you always say you don't want to put boundaries on anything. Let's not set a specific date of the following Saturday, but just call me when you're ready". She agreed and thought this might be the best thing to do. I asked her what time apart would do for her, and she said "It'll give me time to miss you, to think about things, and will help speed up this entire process". I then said "Please, Joy, try to be as sure as you can before you call - the hot/cold thing I cannot do with you especially considering how I feel". She said that she would really appreciate the time and that it'd be tough for both of us. I told her not to worry that my feelings haven't changed and Won't change, and that I loved her SO MUCH that I would give her the space she wanted. I told her it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in any relationship, and she said "me too".

 

Before we hung up to begin the NC phase for real this time, I asked her if we were still boyfriend and girlfriend and she said Yes. I asked her if she was planning on going out or meeting any guys and she became furious and told me that has never crossed her mind and has NOTHING to do with our situation. I told her I'd be 100% faithful as well, and I wanted her to be sure once she called me again. She again emphasized that this was going to work out and we'd be ok. I asked her if she saw a future with me and she said yes. She told me to be strong and patient and it'd all work out, and that she's very glad we're doing this. She said she'd always have wondered about things six months from now if I hadn't given her the space, and that this'll definitely speed up the reconciliation process.

 

THANK YOU TO ALL WHO HAVE READ THIS AND HUNG IN THERE WITH ME SO FAR!

 

So, I've talked to my usual 4/5 friends, and here's what they say:

 

Nathan - She'll call me Thursday or Friday this week.

My sister - She'll call Friday

Theo - She'll call Sunday

Paula - She'll call Saturday

Vince - Let her stew about this and let her make the decision on her own without you trying to guide the outcome. She'll call soon.

 

All tell me everytime to BE STRONG and not call her. It's very tough, but I'm determined not to.

 

What do everyone think about this? Feel free to reply with the date you think she'll call back, if at all. My guess is next Monday, simply because at one point she said "We should be able to not talk for a week and be ok".

 

Thanks in a advance to all who reply

 

In Love and fighting for her,

Shawn

[A Fly onThe Wall]

A chronological account of your relationship.. TMI

 

I hope you aren't his anal with her

 

I did try and read the whole thing but I had to skip it..

 

 

You use NC to move on and find somone else that can love you you..

 

If you use it to get the person to call you and get her back you are playing games.

 

Would you want someone that comes back to you because of a game you played instead of coming back on her own because she loves you ?

[sparky3]

It's actually just a chronological account of the seperation process, not the entire relationship. I'm not normally this anal at all; this situation has just brought this out of me somehow. If she needs space and wants no contact after I asked her to move out to make sure of what she wants and that I'm not going to change my mind, what is wrong with that? I don't think either one of us wants to move on, and that this time apart will either tell her that I'm the one or not the one for her.

[sanne]

i was somewhat like you at one point in my life, and let me tell you the person who needs to change here is you. you have to learn to give a girl her space, if you can't learn how to do that you won't be successful in any relationship. you seem overbearing to the point where most girls would just cut things off entirely with you. if you can't change your own ways, then this relationship will not work.

[Merin]

Wait...

 

YOU asked your GF to move out right?

Then you decided you missed her and maybe didn't make the right decision...

BUT now you're saying SHE is the one with hot/cold issues and mixed messages?

 

Honestly, it isn't a wonder she is afraid to fully put herself back into the relationship with you... the break up (or break whatever you want to call it) was YOUR idea to begin with, so yeah I can see her fears in wondering when it might be that you'll change your mind again and ask her to move out.

 

At this point, I would give her the space she has asked for... no pressure.

IF she chooses to give you another opportunity then good to go... but if she doesn't then yes you will both need to move on.

[sparky3]

Originally posted by sanne

i was somewhat like you at one point in my life, and let me tell you the person who needs to change here is you. you have to learn to give a girl her space, if you can't learn how to do that you won't be successful in any relationship. you seem overbearing to the point where most girls would just cut things off entirely with you. if you can't change your own ways, then this relationship will not work.

 

Ouch. You're right though. I'm working on changing, I really am! I think once she sees that I can in fact give her some space that we'll work out just fine. I've almost read these entire "Second Chances" threads, and fortunately for us we're still boyfriend/girlfriend and committed to each other. I believe her when she says she's not looking for anyone else, and I know the biggest thing she's afraid of is me changing my mind again. Only time will prove to her that I won't.

Thanks for the comments...!

[sparky3]

Originally posted by Merin

Wait...

 

YOU asked your GF to move out right?

Right...that's true.

Then you decided you missed her and maybe didn't make the right decision...

Right again..

BUT now you're saying SHE is the one with hot/cold issues and mixed messages?

Sure, I scared the hell out of her. Neither one of us have been in this situation, so this is all new territory.

 

Honestly, it isn't a wonder she is afraid to fully put herself back into the relationship with you... the break up (or break whatever you want to call it) was YOUR idea to begin with, so yeah I can see her fears in wondering when it might be that you'll change your mind again and ask her to move out.

 

At this point, I would give her the space she has asked for... no pressure.

IF she chooses to give you another opportunity then good to go... but if she doesn't then yes you will both need to move on.

 

That's what I'm doing. It's just so hard after spending 4 out of the last 5 days together, her still telling me it'll all work out, that she loves me and is still in love with me, has a key to my house, etc. This isn't the typical situation where someone left for somebody else.

 

I'll stay strong though - it's worth fighting for and won't be easy. I'm so happy I only have a couple of hours left here at work and I haven't called her!

 

Shawn

[dr strangelove]

Sparky

 

First off take a deep deep breath.

 

People need space.

 

Second you asked her to move out, let me say this. It wasnt the relationship you had a problem with it was your own self.

 

I did this crap too. I was with someone and I moved in then I started staying at my shop.

 

Things were off and on. Then one day I told her to get lost. And she did..

 

But every time you caleld her she came by to see you, also you seemed to have little regard for the people she was staying with.

 

Im sure she wil call again, thats as sure as the sky is blue. But that doesnt fix the problem. You accuse her of being unsure but your the one that asked her to leave..

---hello??--

 

as for when she will call I see a tuesday.

[sparky3]

Originally posted by dr strangelove

Sparky

 

First off take a deep deep breath.

 

People need space.

 

Second you asked her to move out, let me say this. It wasnt the relationship you had a problem with it was your own self.

 

I did this crap too. I was with someone and I moved in then I started staying at my shop.

 

Things were off and on. Then one day I told her to get lost. And she did..

 

But every time you caleld her she came by to see you, also you seemed to have little regard for the people she was staying with.

 

Im sure she wil call again, thats as sure as the sky is blue. But that doesnt fix the problem. You accuse her of being unsure but your the one that asked her to leave..

---hello??--

 

as for when she will call I see a tuesday.

 

You're right, it was me that I had a problem with. But I'm working on fixing me right now, and it's killing me not talking to her.

[sparky3]

She just called to say "Hi!" about 20 minutes ago! She asked me about what I was doing this weekend, and I'm going out of town to see a buddy of mine. I managed NOT to ask her about what she's doing, as she doesn't want to feel pressure from me always wanting to know what she's up to. I was perfectly "indifferent" on the call, and reemphasized that my feelings haven't changed and that I love her.

 

She's the one for me for sure! She told me she didn't think there was any good reason after everything that we should be on "no speaking" terms, and she'd call back later this week. She also told me that she wanted me to know she wasn't out partying or anything, and was trying to spend more time to think about things.

 

As always, I thought of a few things I forgot to say afterwards, but the "new" me didn't call her back or anything to tell her.

 

This is going to work out for sure!

 

[pippen_2k]

Dont get your hopes too high...

 

Ill believe you when she is actually back with you.

[sparky3]

That's probably good advice. I called her tonight, and asked to see her tomorrow. She's coming over and we're going to dinner. She told me tonight that she doesn't need "Space" anymore, just time. She said she doesn't want to move back in until I've changed and she feels comfortable with the entire situation. She's also SICK TO DEATH of talking about "US" all the time. She just wants normal, fun, happy times and conversation. It's like we are starting a brand new relationship with each other again, which is the right thing to do considering the circumstances.

[sparky3]

Well, she's moving back in this Thursday for good. I proposed to her last night, and we're getting married March 11th, 2006! It really took me giving her some space and time, and reinforcing the fact that I'm not changing my mind about her. This will be my last post on here - 2nd chances can and DO work out sometimes! We've never gotten along better, and I'm so happy she gave me another shot.

 

Good luck to everyone..!

[dr strangelove]

Sparky what do you think you did that lead to your success in this matter?

 

I wish I had the luck that you do. I miss my ex quite a bit and I know im prepared to get engaged to her at some point if I could get her back, or get her a promise ring something. I dare not tell her this though.

 

I guess some of us have all the luck

congrats

[sparky3]

Originally posted by dr strangelove

Sparky what do you think you did that lead to your success in this matter?

 

I wish I had the luck that you do. I miss my ex quite a bit and I know im prepared to get engaged to her at some point if I could get her back, or get her a promise ring something. I dare not tell her this though.

 

I guess some of us have all the luck

congrats

 

I think it was the following factors:

 

1. We never officially "broke up" even after she moved out.

2. She was pissed as hell that I asked her to move out, but she never fell out of love with me.

3. Her friends and family were pretty good, and told her it was up to her to make her own decision and they just wanted her to be happy.

4. We never cheated on each other, so there wasn't THAT grief to overcome.

5. She saw that I was finally able to leave her alone long enough for her to really miss me. No contact really worked here for sure, and had I not officially agreed to speak to her "whenever she was ready" and stuck to that, I'm sure I'd have completely pushed her away.

6. I changed, and finally realized what was important in life.

 

Oh, and her being a really great person to put up with my bullcrap didn't hurt. Had she been 23 instead of almost 29 this may have ended badly for me.

 

She's actually moving back in on Wednesday this week, and I told her she isn't to touch a thing! I'll get it all myself, it's the least I could do.

[sparky3]

Originally posted by pippen_2k

Dont get your hopes too high...

 

Ill believe you when she is actually back with you.

 

Well, I'm proud to say she moved back in last night - I rented a U-Haul and brought all her stuff back! She actually has stayed every night since last Saturday after I proposed to her.

 

Second chances can work! If I can just stop being such a bunghole this'll all work out great!

 

Shawn

[Merin]

Originally posted by sparky3

 

 

If I can just stop being such a bunghole this'll all work out great!

 

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

Not being a bunghole is usually an outstanding step in the right direction!

 

LOL That cracked me up Shawn!

 

Best Wishes to you and your Girl