21M, never had a serious gf

[odin77]

(Please excuse the length of this post)

 

Before I get into the details, I’ll provide some background information. I am 21 years old, play bass in a band that tours regionally, and attend a large state university in the Midwest, where I’m studying German. My current life is generally good, but there is still one aspect which is lacking. I still have yet to have a serious girlfriend, and I find it somewhat frustrating. So far, I haven’t been able to meet a woman I’ve really been compatible with, and I’m not really sure how to go about it either.

 

With respect to women, I have always been a bit behind. I didn’t even kiss a girl until I was 19, and only lost my virginity a few months ago, at 21. So far, I’ve done things with four girls, but I only actually slept with most recent one. The rest I only got to make out with a couple of times. None of these girls hung around me for very long either, on average about a week before they stopped talking to me. However, losing my virginity has at least given me a little bit of confidence, before I was very depressed and upset about my lack of experience. Now that I’ve at least gotten that problem out of the way and actually had sex (albeit only twice), I want to meet someone I can properly date. The problem is, I don’t know where I’d look.

 

For starters, I am a natural introvert and my social circle is quite small. The only people I hang out with on a regular basis are my three roommates, who are also musicians like myself. I don’t go out much, and I only really go to bars when my band is playing there. Mostly I just spend time at my house either smoking weed, playing guitar, or listening to records. My hobbies are fairly solitary and unusual as well, for example I learn ancient Germanic languages such as Old Norse and Gothic for fun. Currently, I don’t have any real outlet to meet women.

 

In addition, my worldview is quite different from that of most people where I live, and this greatly alienates me from the women there. My town is very left-leaning and full of hippies, while I tend to lean more towards the right (NOT Republican or Alt-Right though). This means that the majority of people where I live annoy the hell out of me. Most of the women around here won’t shut up about social “activism” or political causes that I’m sick of hearing about. Paradoxically, I still have the outward appearance of a hippie because I have really long hair, smoke weed, and play in a psychedelic rock band . Because I appear as a hippie at first glance, the only girls that have shown any interest in me are the hippie types, and thus I’d have to censor my true worldview in front of them. I feel like it would be difficult for a woman to fall for the real me.

 

Because to all of these factors, I don’t know what I should do. It’s hard for me to meet women, let alone any I’d actually have a genuine compatibility with. I mean, what woman would want to have a serious relationship with a weird, long-haired, introverted, right-leaning bass player who’s never had a proper girlfriend before and translates passages from Old Norse into English for fun? That one would probably be the weirdest chick ever, and she probably doesn’t even exist regardless. Anyway, would anybody have any advice for a guy like me? Should I keep trying my luck, or should I not worry about it for now?

Edited August 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
link removed ~T

[d0nnivain]

Because you are in college, it should be easier to meet women. Try joining a club whose values align with yours.

 

More people are liberal in college & grow more conservative as they age but there are a few who start out conservative . Although you don't fully identify as a Republican, at least go check out a young Republican's club meeting on campus. Just because you go to a meeting does not mean you endorse everything the leadership is doing & saying.

[CptInsano]

I was moving around the same pace in college, but things really started to speed up around your age. I was also more conservative than most of my peers. (This is not quite true, I was more libertarian, meaning that I got along with the anarchist left, but that's a different story.)

 

But why do you insist that your girlfriend shares the same political views? Most of mine didn't, and while it led to healthy debates, it didn't stand in the way of fulfilling relationships. My first gf is now a professor at a liberal arts college while I'm currently in banking. As long as you want similar things out of life a certain difference in political views is manageable in my experience.

 

Why don't you try to not censor your worldview in front of others and calmly lay out what you think? Women may be more accepting than you suspect.

[tetrahedral]

I read your concern as this - you think you're too conservative for the alternative crowd, but much too weird for the conservative crowd.

 

Do you like metal? IME the metal scene is a good place to find free-spirited but right-leaning people. Plus you've got dope headbanging hair, which as a bassist I'm sure you're aware of.

 

My other question is this: is the problem that you don't like people who have a different worldview than you, or that you think they don't like you?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Paradoxically, I still have the outward appearance of a hippie because I have really long hair, smoke weed, and play in a psychedelic rock band. Because I appear as a hippie at first glance, the only girls that have shown any interest in me are the hippie types, and thus I’d have to censor my true worldview in front of them. I feel like it would be difficult for a woman to fall for the real me.

 

 

Ever consider a makeover?

Edited August 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JuneJulySeptember]

(Please excuse the length of this post)

 

Before I get into the details, I’ll provide some background information. I am 21 years old, play bass in a band that tours regionally, and attend a large state university in the Midwest, where I’m studying German. My current life is generally good, but there is still one aspect which is lacking. I still have yet to have a serious girlfriend, and I find it somewhat frustrating. So far, I haven’t been able to meet a woman I’ve really been compatible with, and I’m not really sure how to go about it either.

 

With respect to women, I have always been a bit behind. I didn’t even kiss a girl until I was 19, and only lost my virginity a few months ago, at 21. So far, I’ve done things with four girls, but I only actually slept with most recent one. The rest I only got to make out with a couple of times.

 

I stopped reading at this exact point.

 

Totally normal. Some guys never have a woman their entire lives and that, although not 'normal' is something that I have seen more often than most people would think.

 

Even more guys really want to kiss/have sex with/date women, but have no success until they reach late 20s, early 30s.

 

So, you're doing alright...

[odin77]

I read your concern as this - you think you're too conservative for the alternative crowd, but much too weird for the conservative crowd.

 

Do you like metal? IME the metal scene is a good place to find free-spirited but right-leaning people. Plus you've got dope headbanging hair, which as a bassist I'm sure you're aware of.

 

My other question is this: is the problem that you don't like people who have a different worldview than you, or that you think they don't like you?

You hit the nail on the head with that first bit, I really do feel like I fall through the cracks in that regard. From my understanding of the situation, someone like me is comparatively rare, and thus any girl who'd actually be my type would be too. To this day I haven't met any women who have the same worldview as me, nor any who share the same interests as me beyond musical tastes. I do like metal, and stylistically my band can be considered to be slightly in that vein. However, I believe I'd be extremely hard-pressed to find any women in my town who do. I almost want to postpone my search for a proper gf until I graduate and move back to my hometown, haven't really had much luck here.

[d0nnivain]

I almost want to postpone my search for a proper gf until I graduate and move back to my hometown, haven't really had much luck here.

 

 

Finding a match is a numbers game. You have to be exposed to many different people. Usually most people find lots of people on a college campus whereas unless you live in a major city, you will actually diminish your chances by waiting until you graduate. You don't have to make dating your #1 priority but don't close yourself off to the possibility either.

[TheTraveler]

You're already ahead of the game. You've had interactions and already had sex with one. There's men out there who are virgins into their 30's.

 

Keep trying and keep doing your thing. Heck, since you're going to college to speak German, move to Germany after you graduate and experience life. Good luck.

[Bastile]

Fella, you are in a band.

 

I was in a band during my teens. We were terrible. But it's like shooting fish in a barrel with women. That's one reason why I never learnt better approach skills earlier

 

In addition, my worldview is quite different from that of most people where I live, and this greatly alienates me from the women there. My town is very left-leaning and full of hippies, while I tend to lean more towards the right (NOT Republican or Alt-Right though). This means that the majority of people where I live annoy the hell out of me. Most of the women around here won’t shut up about social “activism” or political causes that I’m sick of hearing about. Paradoxically, I still have the outward appearance of a hippie because I have really long hair, smoke weed, and play in a psychedelic rock band (here’s what I look like for reference: Imgur: The most awesome images on the Internet). Because I appear as a hippie at first glance, the only girls that have shown any interest in me are the hippie types, and thus I’d have to censor my true worldview in front of them. I feel like it would be difficult for a woman to fall for the real me.

 

 

Opposites attract.

 

Your thinking is that you need to placate a woman. This is wrong. Challenge them instead.

 

It's flirting. There's a song which is a great example of this. I won't put up the link, because it's a bit X-rated. But youtube the song "F**king on the dancefloor".

 

A little humour goes a long way too. You don't have to censor anything, mate. And what you probably consider a weakness is really a strength that you have yet to figure out how to harness.

Edited August 3, 2017 by Bastile

[tetrahedral]

You hit the nail on the head with that first bit, I really do feel like I fall through the cracks in that regard. From my understanding of the situation, someone like me is comparatively rare, and thus any girl who'd actually be my type would be too. To this day I haven't met any women who have the same worldview as me, nor any who share the same interests as me beyond musical tastes. I do like metal, and stylistically my band can be considered to be slightly in that vein. However, I believe I'd be extremely hard-pressed to find any women in my town who do. I almost want to postpone my search for a proper gf until I graduate and move back to my hometown, haven't really had much luck here.

 

Gotcha.

 

My take, OP, is that you are a hippie.

 

You don't need to agree with them. You certainly shouldn't do that for it's own sake. But, making an effort to understand them better would do you a lot of good. Because you don't fit in better with them by accident.

 

Most couples are different in a lot of the details. It's about liking each other, not being like each other.

 

To the people suggesting a makeover... come on now. OP is into psychedelia, metal, linguistics, Norse mythology, and paganism. He's not another bro in boat shoes with an undercut.

 

If anything OP, rather than a "makeover", I'd suggest trying things that doubling down stylistically. For example, look into taking care of your hair, if you don't already. Try wearing Chelsea boots, skinnier jeans and a biker jacket.

 

Plus, at some point, you'll have to cut your hair for work. So enjoy it while it lasts.

[Steve51]

My wife was 20 and still a virgin. Never had a boyfriend. Her girlfriend got her cousin to take my wife to her prom. She ended up marrying the guy all of her girlfriends thought was hot, me. We are now married for 45 wonderful years. Life is not over at 21 if you have no boy or girlfriend. I saw my wife on a train and we were engaged in 3 weeks, married in 3 months. My wife still thinks she is out of my league and does not know why I even asked her out on a date. I do not know either but it just happened to me after two girlfriends cheated on me. You never know.

[odin77]

Response to Tetrahedral: I'll certainly try that, my appearance could use an overhaul. I also agree that cutting my hair and completely changing my wardrobe wouldn't make much sense. However main main fear is that even so, I still won't be able to find anyone who fits me. They say that college is the easiest time to meet women, and I still haven't had very much luck. I can only inagine how hard it may be for me once I graduate. If I can't meet anyone worthwhile now, how am I going to do so when I'm done with school? In some respects I certainly believe that this window is closing.

Edited August 4, 2017 by odin77

[healing light]

You do you.

 

Don't change your views to placate someone. I am a liberal woman (not an annoying PC one, but liberal nonetheless) that happens to love conservative men. The thing I find the sexiest about a man is his intelligence and authenticity. While you might think it's weird to translate ancient Germanic languages, I would characterize that as a turn on. I like quirks and hobbies like that in a person.

 

I think you're prematurely dismissing yourself because of assumptions of what other people would like or how other people must be simply because of their political affiliation (or other demographics).

 

However, a hair cut might open up some options. Haha. jk.

[Bastile]

The irony, I think, is that you are in a band. Have all of that rebellious punk energy. Yet, you are as conformist on this part of your life...

 

Where is the punk rock spirit?

 

Edited August 4, 2017 by Bastile