Recovering Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 Hello, This is my first time posting anything on this forum and I have been reading a lot of the previous posts and find it to be very helpful. I was wondering if anyone out there can give me some advise or feed back on this issue in my life. I have been married for 8 years and together for a total of 13 years, with one child. I will try to keep this as brief as possible and to the point. For the last 5 years we have lived pretty much like roommates and have had no communication and I have had no desire on being intimate with my husband. I do admit because of my abusive childhood and depression (it stems from both sides of my family unfortunately) I have always had a hard time with being "open to love" and have always carried this shield with me. I have tried counsling and medication and nothing has worked! I do take some fault in our marriage falling apart but I always thought in the back of my head it would work itself out...was I wrong! I do admit I did neglect my husband in so many ways but he also had a problem with communicating and being capable of taking any problems in our relationship head on. This is what led him into an "emotional affair" with his ex co-worker! She apparantley was having problems with her Fiance so the two of them would talk about thier problems and discuss all of our personal business. It started out very platonic but then turned into a sexual verbal affair. They even met somewhere and had a little contact (never slept together) but still had some physical contact. He was even bad mouthing me and making me sound like a bad person which I think hurt me the most. Bottom line is, I found all of thier sexual and fantasy like emails and confronted my husband with them. He came clean and felt very bad abou it. I had emailed the "homewrecker" and told her I knew about thier realtionship. She was just more paranoid her Fiance was going to find out, but did feel very guilty! I decided not to let the Fiance know (no point in hurting two people). They both swore it was strictly fantasy and they were not in love or wanting to be together in that way. The inappropiate emails from what I saw lasted about a month but I know they have been flirty at work for a lot longer than that! He needed to feel special and loved, and she provided that for him. My husband has done all the right things to repair what he has done to the point of- quitting his job so he would not be around her, changed his cell phone number, gave me his passwords to his email accounts, made all the efforts in communicating and doing all the things he has neglected with the marriage (as I have as well), we started going back to church, and so on. We were seperated for about a month and during that time he realized what he had lost and how heart broken he was. He was an emotional wreck- not eating, sleeping, or being able to function. He realized that this affair may have costed him his family and basically woke up and started thinking rationally!! He has truly made every effort to fix things and makes a point that he will never do anything so stupid again, but the pain I feel will not go away! In a sense I do not blame him (I know, it is still wrong and there is no excuse) but at the same time I do see why it could have easily happened and I am relieved in a sense we were not doing great because then there would be no justifying it (does that make sense)? So far we have been doing great and I know he has had no contact with her. We are happier now than we have ever been so this may have happened for a reason, for us to wake up and see what was happening to our marriage! My strength to keep our marriage alive comes from God and my child, otherwise I do not know if I could stay with him. It's been a year now since I caught them and I am still hurting everyday. Is there hope that this pain will slowly go away in the future? Even though we are going strong and letting go of the past, I just cannot stop thinking about how he was able to betray me. Any feed back would be appreciated. Thanks for reading my story... ~Recovering Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 Hello, I wish you luck but you made a huge mistake by not informing the finance. You are indeed hurting him since he has a right to know about this information. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you have wanted him to inform you or keep you in the dark? Your point that there is no reason to hurt him is illogical. He is going to marry her not knowing she was in an emotional affair with your husband before the marriage. In addition, it is always essential to expose the affair to the cheating partners because it almost guarantees or makes it much more difficult for the affair to start up again. What you have done is in fact enable both of these people to start up the affair at a later date because there was no consequences for this Other Woman. You really need to rethink your position on this. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Recovering Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 Hello, Thanks for your reply. I can see your point in feeling the other partner SHOULD know what his future wife is up to (or the real tramp she is) but I feel it would only be making things worse for the situation. Everyone I know that I had talked to about this all say it is best to just leave it alone and not continue the pain. I have a child to think about and who knows how this guy may react? What if he starts harrassing my family or coming around my home to check up on things? What if he seeks "revenge" and just makes matters worse? I am a responsible, reasonable, and understanding person, who's to say he is? I do not know this guy and do not want to risk any further heart ache. Plus he will find out all on his own the true person she is, I strongly believe in "Karma"!! I do see your point and understand exactly where you are coming from so thanks for sharing your thoughts. ~Recovering Link to post Share on other sites
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