Love or Money?

[hptalbot]

I went back to school this past January and am about a year away from finishing.

 

I had my heart broken about 2 and half years ago and haven't really had a significant relationship since then. She was my first love, and the relationship ended abruptly with her dumping me out of the blue with no closure. Even after all this time, there is still a dull pain in my heart that I fear will never go away until I fall in love again.

 

I have a really old friend, who I met up with last weekend, we have one of those FWB relationships that is very plutonic and feelings have never really gotten in the way of our friendship...

 

...but on Sunday she more or less proposed to me, in her own, somewhat distant way. She basically suggested a marriage of convenience when I finish school if I can get a decent job with benefits. She has started her own business and has become relatively wealthy and its looking like she will become wealthier by the year. There would be something in it for her too outside of love, but I am not prepared to talk about that in an online forum.

 

I could marry my friend for money, have great sex, and even have sex outside the marriage, but it would be loveless.

 

Or I could hold out for love and see if that special person shows up in my life, but give up on a potential 1% lifestyle. Like there is a real shot at millions of dollars per year.

 

Not sure what to do. I still have a year before a finish school to think about it...

 

Thoughts?

[Poutrew]

Are you willing to be a kept man? Speaking only for myself, I would rather be poor and alone than a piece of furniture in someone else's apartment.

[hptalbot]

Are you willing to be a kept man? Speaking only for myself, I would rather be poor and alone than a piece of furniture in someone else's apartment.

 

That's one of my worries, that she would not respect me if I didn't earn as much. Or that I would create that scenario out of insecurity.

 

Im so poor right now though, its really hard not to jump at the chance.

[road]

That's one of my worries, that she would not respect me if I didn't earn as much. Or that I would create that scenario out of insecurity.

 

Im so poor right now though, its really hard not to jump at the chance.

 

You not earning enough is not the problem.

 

She wants a marriage of convenience and you want

one based on love.

 

Tell her that.

 

Tell her lets date and see if the romantic relationship develops.

Take it day by day for you are already friends, sex is good.

[JHandy]

Don't do it. Marriage means something. There is no guarantee you and her will be on the same plane.

 

She could fall in love with you while you're getting something some side action or vice versa. It could be horrible. And you could end up where you are now.

 

You could spend your time making your own wealth while you hold out for love.

[d0nnivain]

Try dating for a while. . . really give it a go. See if you fall in love. After 6 months if you still feel nothing for her, do not marry.

[dichotomy]

Okay I will talk the other side...

 

What is love? (no dont cue that song). Is it a feeling or is it actions or ?

 

You say she is an old friend - what kind of friend ? Caring? Listening to your struggles and issues, helping here and there ? A GOOD friend? or more of a acquaintance ?

 

Is marrying your friend a bad thing ?

 

Alot of people feel some great swelling of love (feelings) and get married - and the feeling fades. Then your left with fundamentals - friendship, sex, money, compatible interests, etc.

 

But your both talking entering an open marriage right? You are both free to "F" other people ? Seems to me the rich married woman (your friend) will have the better deal here - and may cut you off in the future - as she will have her hands full of lovers. You as the lesser money maker husband may find less options for willing female partners. Also while you may enjoy the rich lifestyle - home, cars, trips as long as your married - your not going to be able to own any of it - I am sure there will be a prenup agreement.

 

Then there is the kids issue.....you both want some?

 

I dont know - marriage is a roll of the dice anyway. Not sure which set ups work best.

[Tribble]

I don't really get what either of you get out of this 'marriage'....

 

I mean, sure, you get money. Money that isn't really yours and presumably she will control. But why did she propose this arrangement? What does she get out of it? Why does she want to get married? Is it kids? Presumably she could get sex and companionship without the marriage so I don't really understand. Marriage can be risky, especially if you are (or get) wealthy so why risk it if not for love?

[hammyy2k]

what has happened to people?

 

you want to marry and keep having sex outside the marriage as well

 

it is very messed up

[BluesPower]

So this is my take...

 

I am betting that she gets a large inheritance if she gets married, or something like that. Maybe not.

 

I understand that people do this. But as a man I cannot imagine being "kept". I don't know why that is a problem for me, woman do it all the time.

 

I am not sure I could do it. What if she actually falls in love with someone and kicks you to the curb, penniless?

 

Or maybe worse, she actually falls in love with you and you don't feel the same, curb time again.

 

IDK, I am not sure I could do it...

[Chilli]

Yeah same , why does she wanna get married to someone she's not in love with , might be some win fall if she does.

Should ask her , go 1/2's ,then divorce her haha.

 

But nah , no way not for me, sounds like a miserable life to me on so many levels.

Imagine going home to someone you don't even love every night,or sleeping with someone you don't even love every night , everyday living with someone you don't even love.

No thanks l'd rather take my chances.

 

Besides , if you still gotta make your own money then what's the point.

[GunslingerRoland]

On the one hand, I'm a romantic. On the other hand I know many people who are in arranged marriages and very happy and many people who got married for romantic reasons and had it fall apart.

 

Like other's have said, there may be worse things than marrying your rich friend.

[somanymistakes]

I don't think there's anything wrong with the arrangement if it's what you want.

 

But it doesn't sound like it's what you actually want. Entering into a weird setup when you don't feel 100% comfortable with it often leads to disaster. And in this world, while marrying is easy, getting a divorce if you change your mind can be very complicated and expensive. I've read many stories of people who got married intending it to be a convenience thing and then found it amazingly inconvenient when they wanted to get out of it and get on with their lives.

 

Also since it's a very conditional offer, she may change her mind before then or find someone else she'd rather do this with.

 

It's odd that people go straight to the 'kept man' thing since it SOUNDS like she wants you to provide as well... sure, she may make most of the money, but she wants a husband who can provide stability and backup in case of things going wrong, thus why she wants someone with a good job and benefits. So it's not like she's offering to have you sit on a silk cushion all day. If you DO go through with it, it's important that both she AND you respect that it is a partnership and that you are contributing something.

 

Marriages do turn sour if one half doesn't respect the other's contribution, but contributions don't have to be solely about cash. She needs to value you and you need to value yourself, if you want this kind of thing to work.

 

You got your heart stepped on in the past and have been reluctant to open up to love. Is it possible that you might love this woman if you let yourself? How do you think she'd feel about it if you did? How would you feel if she suddenly proclaimed love for you?

 

Is she in a biological clock countdown situation and desperate for a husband and baby? Because if so that is going to be a HUGE complication for you to handle if you think you're entering into a 'convenience' situation.

 

Yeah, I know I'm just throwing out a bunch of questions and no solutions but really only you know the solutions.

[BaileyB]

You are far too young to settle for a loveless marriage.

[Poutrew]

When my dad and his sister -my aunt- were just small children, a wealthy childless couple fell in love with my aunt and wanted to adopt her as their child. They offered my grandma and grandpa a god awful amount of money to give up custody of her so they could adopt her. Now, my family were dirt poor at the time, as it was in the middle of the great depression, and the money would have made them very wealthy. They told the childless rich couple No. Six months later the couple died in an airplane crash in Europe. If they had accepted, my dad wouldn't have had a sister, grandma and grandpa would not have had a daughter and would have had to deal with the guilt of selling their child for money only to have her die six months later, and I wouldn't have had an Aunt... Over the decades, money became less tight, and everything eventually worked itself out. All they had to do was keep their integrity and work hard in the New Country... this story really happened and yes, it does apply to your situation. Good Luck...

[dichotomy]

 

But nah , no way not for me, sounds like a miserable life to me on so many levels.

Imagine going home to someone you don't even love every night,or sleeping with someone you don't even love every night , everyday living with someone you don't even love.

No thanks l'd rather take my chances.

 

 

 

Sounds like about half of the marriages out there.

[hptalbot]

I don't really get what either of you get out of this 'marriage'....

 

I mean, sure, you get money. Money that isn't really yours and presumably she will control. But why did she propose this arrangement? What does she get out of it? Why does she want to get married? Is it kids? Presumably she could get sex and companionship without the marriage so I don't really understand. Marriage can be risky, especially if you are (or get) wealthy so why risk it if not for love?

 

Well... like I said there is a reason... but not one I wish to discuss on forums. For fifth amendment reasons.

[hptalbot]

You not earning enough is not the problem.

 

She wants a marriage of convenience and you want

one based on love.

 

Tell her that.

 

Tell her lets date and see if the romantic relationship develops.

Take it day by day for you are already friends, sex is good.

 

We have tried that in the past, well I have. I've known her a long time and I've tried getting close to her before but she always ducks out when I do, or when she feels her own emotions getting strong she will run. The last couple of years I have kept it business only with her.

 

Now that I write that out I see what a blaring red flag it is... will she run after we are married if she starts feeling close?

[hptalbot]

I don't think there's anything wrong with the arrangement if it's what you want.

 

But it doesn't sound like it's what you actually want. Entering into a weird setup when you don't feel 100% comfortable with it often leads to disaster. And in this world, while marrying is easy, getting a divorce if you change your mind can be very complicated and expensive. I've read many stories of people who got married intending it to be a convenience thing and then found it amazingly inconvenient when they wanted to get out of it and get on with their lives.

 

Also since it's a very conditional offer, she may change her mind before then or find someone else she'd rather do this with.

 

It's odd that people go straight to the 'kept man' thing since it SOUNDS like she wants you to provide as well... sure, she may make most of the money, but she wants a husband who can provide stability and backup in case of things going wrong, thus why she wants someone with a good job and benefits. So it's not like she's offering to have you sit on a silk cushion all day. If you DO go through with it, it's important that both she AND you respect that it is a partnership and that you are contributing something.

 

Marriages do turn sour if one half doesn't respect the other's contribution, but contributions don't have to be solely about cash. She needs to value you and you need to value yourself, if you want this kind of thing to work.

 

You got your heart stepped on in the past and have been reluctant to open up to love. Is it possible that you might love this woman if you let yourself? How do you think she'd feel about it if you did? How would you feel if she suddenly proclaimed love for you?

 

Is she in a biological clock countdown situation and desperate for a husband and baby? Because if so that is going to be a HUGE complication for you to handle if you think you're entering into a 'convenience' situation.

 

Yeah, I know I'm just throwing out a bunch of questions and no solutions but really only you know the solutions.

 

I can see my self loving her, but like I said above, she is scared of emotional intimacy. She's been that way as long as I've known her (since 2013) but it was brought on by a previous relationship, and she wasn't always this way. I suspect she loves me but can't show it, which is why she created this little scenario, but I am not sure. She is hard to read.

 

Biological clock is not a deal breaker as neither of us cares if we have kids. I am okay if it happens but, would prefer to remain childless and she is the same as far as she has told me.

 

The money is nice, and the desicion is a ways off. I would like to see if she opens up more in that time because for me that's the real deal breaker. I don't know how she will react once the deed is done.

[RecentChange]

Never.

 

I would rather live a pauper with someone I loved, and importantly loved ME than to live a life rich in material goods, and without true, meaningful love.

 

To choose to deny yourself love? Not for me.

[hptalbot]

When my dad and his sister -my aunt- were just small children, a wealthy childless couple fell in love with my aunt and wanted to adopt her as their child. They offered my grandma and grandpa a god awful amount of money to give up custody of her so they could adopt her. Now, my family were dirt poor at the time, as it was in the middle of the great depression, and the money would have made them very wealthy. They told the childless rich couple No. Six months later the couple died in an airplane crash in Europe. If they had accepted, my dad wouldn't have had a sister, grandma and grandpa would not have had a daughter and would have had to deal with the guilt of selling their child for money only to have her die six months later, and I wouldn't have had an Aunt... Over the decades, money became less tight, and everything eventually worked itself out. All they had to do was keep their integrity and work hard in the New Country... this story really happened and yes, it does apply to your situation. Good Luck...

 

I didn't notice this until just now, but wow!

 

That is really touching. It's hard to say no to that much money right now in my life, but perhaps its for the best long term.

 

Thank you so much for sharing!

[l8estnews]

Well, true love is hard to come by now.... but so is money.

 

 

... oh well, screw this..... MONEY!

[Bufo]

Pardon me for sounding cynical but how old are you? More of the point, how old is she? This proposal or rather business plan, could be the result of her desire to have a child. A perfectly respectable thing to do if married. Some cultures don't care about the marital status, but most do. Where is she on the spectrum?

 

Are you a gambler ? If so, I have a bet for you. I'll wager that if you agree to this proposition you will be seeing and hopefully reviewing a prenuptial agreement that immunized her money and earnings from any claim by you I. The event of divorce.

 

One other possibility is that while you see your relationship as FWB, she has developed feelings for you. But won't express them and hopes you'll learn to love her as she loves you. (See any number of OW posts for anecdotal proof of how often this happens). And this scenario doesn't conflict in ant way with the biological clock scenario I mentioned earlier.

 

Final point. Would you feel cheated out of your chance of romance? How important is romance to you? Before I was married I had a couple of FWB's. Those arrangements didn't last long after I met my wife. Could you avoid temptation into romance if you were married to her?

[IndigoNight]

Unless she is one of the lucky ones, there is no guarantee that she will end up wealthy and stay that way. I have been rich, and I lost it all within a couple of years, due to a bad economy. I owned my own business that was predicted to explode, and it didn't. Actually it imploded, and left me in substantial debt. I learned my lesson, and only count on the money I do have, and not the money I "might" end up making. I own my own business again, and do not plan my future on potential earnings, but instead I save and invest so that I won't lose everything again, should things change in the future.

 

OP, if you take away the financial incentive, do you still have enough reasons to marry her? If not, you may want to walk away while you can still make a clean break. Should you marry her, and her business goes bankrupt, it may very well destroy your credit in the process. I imagine she will want you to sign a prenuptial agreement, which protects her if the marriage doesn't work out. She would be foolish not to. If you sign a prenup, make sure it will also protect you, and your assets, from her. You would be foolish not to. She may be looking for a business partner of convenience, and not an equal partner.

 

Good luck.

[Rockdad]

You are far too young to settle for a loveless marriage.

 

The last years of my 1st marriage was loveless. It was convenient for my ex as she didn't have to work, I made good money and managed the kids when I got home. Being in a loveless marriage was gawd awful in my experience.