Cousin hung himself, I don't want to be next

[Gemini93]

My cousin hung himself from a tree in his front yard. We had the same birthday and he just turned 30 years old. We weren't close but his death awoke something in me that I can't shake. Ive been battling my own mounds of depression for years. It's finally surfacing it's ugly head again. Since finding out my cousin killed himself, I think about it too now. That it is so easy to just let go. I don't have a husband or kids. who would it really hurt that couldn't move on past it. I hate that I'm saying all of this but at the same time I'm just not. I'm a high school teacher. My job is hard. I work a minimum of 60 hours a week with little reward in the end from the students who are ungrateful for the amount of time I put into every single thing we do in class and the parents who don't care about their child. I'm tired of caring about everyone around me when I'm left no one to care for me. I just want to end it all sometimes. Just feel none of the anxiety or the black hole I keep falling farther in. I am starting to feel nothing the longer it keeps on.

[Steve51]

I am a Gemini too and my second cousin hung himself despite having a sizeable Trust fund. I too started feeling the blackness wash over me. That is when I decided to seek medical help. It was difficult at first to try out all of the different antidepressants but eventually I found one that worked for me and did not have sexual side effects. I have been on it for about 15 years and life is good. I am successful at my career and my marriage of 45 years is fantastic and still growing strong. What I big difference taking medication made. I resisted at first but when I started to wake up and think what do I have to live for, despite a high paying job that I do from home only 3 days a weeks and money in the bank, I knew it was time to do something about it.

 

Tell your doctor. Many people suffer from depression and are treated for it. If you do not like drugs, see a Psychologist. I did both but the drugs were much more effective for me. I tend to not do what I am told to do so drugs were a better option for me. Now I take one pill in the morning and I am happy all day long. My wife loves me when I am on my AD meds and not so much if I go off of them.

[Soak]

You're in shock, and when these things happen, it's natural to start questioning the grand scheme of things.

 

Let me tell you this: if you ever had a sickness, or life-threatening disease, you would quickly value life. I know i would. In fact i do.

 

When you are happy with what you are doing vocationally, you are happier with life. Eg, if you like what you do for a living, living is a hell of a lot nicer!

 

It sounds like you are discontent with teaching.

 

Personally, i'd get out of it, or find another school to work in if you are feeling this way.

 

Good luck my friend

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost somebody to suicide too.

 

You have a job so I assume you have decent health insurance. Get into therapy sooner rather than later. It really does help.

 

Consider caring less. I know that sounds awful but if your students are so ungrateful, don't give them 100% anymore. If you can get the job done with only giving 80% cut back & give yourself a break. Can you consider changing schools? Perhaps in another situation you will find greater appreciation.

 

Find things to do to make you happy. Concentrate on the one or two students who you are reaching. Use them to measure your success not the uncaring ones.

[amaysngrace]

Please don't give up hope! Help is available.

 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/