How many MM/OW truly went on to be happy after the end of the A

[Hbroken]

This is something that is really causing me a great deal of anxiety

I am trying very hard to work on my issues with a counsellor so that hopefully i never cheat again.

My question is that i guess there is a difference between a future life of happiness and a future life of authenticity and they may not equate to the same thing.

 

I assume that may people who were involved in the affair probably left the site when they started moving on but for those of you MM/MW/OM/OW, after the affair, how many of you can truly say that you have found happiness? How many of you have found yourself back in the same situation (with the same or another partner) and how many of you have found a life of authenticity rather than happiness?

[waterwoman]

Define 'happy'.

 

I am not sure I could ever be happy if I lived a live that wasn't, at it's heart, honest. Could you? I don't think happiness and authenticity are mutually exclusive in fact I think they are one and the same.

[Eight]

Define 'happy'.

 

I am not sure I could ever be happy if I lived a live that wasn't, at it's heart, honest. Could you? I don't think happiness and authenticity are mutually exclusive in fact I think they are one and the same.

 

This.

 

Further; it seems like the western world is obsessed with "being happy." Chasing happiness is a pointless endevour. Once you reach it, it enevitably ends. Happy is about attachment. It's fleeting.

 

I prefer "peaceful." I'm living my life authentically and honestly and 100% real now. Am I happy? Sometimes. I don't expect to be happy all the time. I am sad, excited, annoyed, angry, frustrated...everyday. But I know it's all coming from an authentic place of expression. So I'm at peace with my emotions and my life. I'm not lying, cheating, hurting, sneaking...I'm trying to be of benefit to others and to myself. That gives me peace. Gives me authenticity. Makes me "happy."

 

One of the biggest lessons I had to learn from my affair, my actions; was that I had to sit in my emotions and feel them all; deal with them all. I had to understand that life isn't meant to always feel "happy" and that's okay. I had to learn how to soothe myself; be my own caretaker and not look to the outside for that soothing. For that "happiness." For my happiness.

 

I found that peacefulness is a better middle way.

[Manwoacareer]

This is something that is really causing me a great deal of anxiety

I am trying very hard to work on my issues with a counsellor so that hopefully i never cheat again.

My question is that i guess there is a difference between a future life of happiness and a future life of authenticity and they may not equate to the same thing.

 

I assume that may people who were involved in the affair probably left the site when they started moving on but for those of you MM/MW/OM/OW, after the affair, how many of you can truly say that you have found happiness? How many of you have found yourself back in the same situation (with the same or another partner) and how many of you have found a life of authenticity rather than happiness?

I feel compelled to add my two cents. I cheated on my wife. Wife(let's refer to her as M) had become increasingly critical and treated me more like a child than spouse. GF was 8 years younger. Totally different. More vivacious. I ended up staying with M because GF was cheating on me with guys she said were just friends. Multiple multi day calling trips with just some friends who all happen to be guys should have been clues. So... Am I happy?. No. M had improved slightly but seems to be back on track to mothering me again. With what's occurred I don't know of I want another heartbreak. I was all ready to call it quits with the marriage to start a new life with GF and even looked at renting a house. Well, since I lost my job haven't even heard from her. By the way, of your GF forgets your birthday or nevergets around to getting you a copy of her house key..BEWARE

Edited August 3, 2017 by Manwoacareer
Typos

[freengreen]

Pretentious behaviour stresses me... usually,I try not to pretend liking things I dont like. But I did pretend on few things over and over to look desirable for him. I am back to normal life where I say 'umm.. na.. not really' when I dont like it. Its a relief to be that way and I had taken it for granted.

 

Am I 100% happy?.. hehe no, cheeky me, will take my time to scrape out tiny happiness trinkets. BUT, one thing, I have got 99 problems but A is not one of them.

[deadsoul]

This.

 

Further; it seems like the western world is obsessed with "being happy." Chasing happiness is a pointless endevour. Once you reach it, it enevitably ends. Happy is about attachment. It's fleeting.

 

I prefer "peaceful." I'm living my life authentically and honestly and 100% real now. Am I happy? Sometimes. I don't expect to be happy all the time. I am sad, excited, annoyed, angry, frustrated...everyday. But I know it's all coming from an authentic place of expression. So I'm at peace with my emotions and my life. I'm not lying, cheating, hurting, sneaking...I'm trying to be of benefit to others and to myself. That gives me peace. Gives me authenticity. Makes me "happy."

 

One of the biggest lessons I had to learn from my affair, my actions; was that I had to sit in my emotions and feel them all; deal with them all. I had to understand that life isn't meant to always feel "happy" and that's okay. I had to learn how to soothe myself; be my own caretaker and not look to the outside for that soothing. For that "happiness." For my happiness.

 

I found that peacefulness is a better middle way.

 

Peace is definitely the word. Here's what I've learned about myself: over the years, I've convinced myself, "I'll be happy when... (fill in blank)" Always wanting more. I get that thing and I'm happy for a little while and then it starts again. Never satisfied.

 

I'll never be happy when... (fill in blank). I can only choose to be happy right now. And I like the word peace better because it's okay to not feel joy all the time. But peace is better.

[carhill]

My experiences were decades ago and, sure, after a period of self-reflection I went on to have successful relationships and got married. Looking back on those years, and reflecting on life after divorce many years later, I noted true peace and contentment occurred most poignantly when alone so, with all that reproductive stuff behind me, I look forward to peace and quiet and health for the years remaining. If I happen to run across a like-minded lady, perhaps we might socialize, as long as she's truly unattached

[MidnightBlue1980]

How many of you have found yourself back in the same situation (with the same or another partner) and how many of you have found a life of authenticity rather than happiness?

 

Happiness is fleeting and we are each individually responsible for our own happiness. That said, I am happy and at peace. I did the work though. I changed my entire life. But don't be fooled, it's always still there, that temptation. It's somewhat who we are and it's just somewhat human nature.

 

It took me 18 months to even begin to finally start to feel better and I had a 5 month affair. You had a 5 year affair with another woman. There is virtually zero chance of you being at peace and content in your life and marriage unless you figure out why you did this. Many people believe that to do this, you need to come clean to the spouse. That is true for the most part. Otherwise you will probably get back into another affair, either with this woman or the next.

[MissG]

Happiness is fleeting and we are each individually responsible for our own happiness. That said, I am happy and at peace. I did the work though. I changed my entire life. But don't be fooled, it's always still there, that temptation. It's somewhat who we are and it's just somewhat human nature.

 

It took me 18 months to even begin to finally start to feel better and I had a 5 month affair. You had a 5 year affair with another woman. There is virtually zero chance of you being at peace and content in your life and marriage unless you figure out why you did this. Many people believe that to do this, you need to come clean to the spouse. That is true for the most part. Otherwise you will probably get back into another affair, either with this woman or the next.

 

I second this. However, I see many MM who seem to have no issues whatsoever to revert to their Ms, after an A ends, even if it was an LTA (years and years long). If it wasn't discovered, if there hasn't been a D-Day, they just fully commit to the M as if nothing ever happened. OP doesn't seem to be one of those. And I think many women don't roll that way, either, doesn't matter if they're MOW or sOW. They seem to take much longer to digest the end of an A. Maybe MM suffer more silently, but generally speaking, you don't really "see" them suffer too much after an A ends.

[HappyAgain2014]

Former OW.... Four years out of my affair. I've since met a single man and married him.

 

I'm very happy and it's because I live an authentic life.

[Cali408]

Affairs are exciting. You live on the adrenaline and dopamine. The sex can be other worldly. Why? Because you're all jacked up.

 

That's not happiness. Only 1% of affairs are successful. Why because that excitement dies down. Usually it's crisis mode all the time.

 

Happiness is being at peace, understanding the grass isn't greener and being honest with yourself.

 

I was in a long term affair that I walked away from. I was sick of the drama. The unpredictability of my AP, the danger of being caught.

 

I still get cyberstalker. I don't engage.

 

Life is so much easier when you have nothing to hide, and appreciate what you have.

[jenkins95]

This is something that is really causing me a great deal of anxiety

I am trying very hard to work on my issues with a counsellor so that hopefully i never cheat again.

My question is that i guess there is a difference between a future life of happiness and a future life of authenticity and they may not equate to the same thing.

 

I assume that may people who were involved in the affair probably left the site when they started moving on but for those of you MM/MW/OM/OW, after the affair, how many of you can truly say that you have found happiness? How many of you have found yourself back in the same situation (with the same or another partner) and how many of you have found a life of authenticity rather than happiness?

 

An interesting thread and some excellent contributions from some of my favourite posters.

 

As an MM, I had an A which ended a couple of years ago. Feelings were involved and I took a while to recover and feel fully recommitted to my marriage. My story is on here if you are interested to read it.

 

I am doing well again now and so happy that I did not abandon my wife and family. I truly hope that the OW is doing well and has put the affair behind her too. As many posters are saying, I wouldn't say I am always ecstatically "happy", but I have found peace (excellent choice of word). This has come from a lot of hard work and reflection in trying to understand my affair and affairs in general and this place is great at being able to help with that!

 

Regarding the bolded line, I struggled with the concept of authenticity as I tried to recover from the affair. Like most of us, I scanned the web for articles on affairs. I hit on some that suggested that you should get out of your marriage if you weren't living "authentically". This troubled and disturbed me a lot and caused me lots of sleepless nights......

 

Just after the A, this was going through my mind: -

 

1. I had an A, therefore there must have been something wrong in my M? Having an A will surely only make this worse? Surely I can't love my W? Surely I can't be happy in this M? Am I only staying because I'm a coward and because I don't want to break up my kids' family unit? Should I really be here? Am I not condemning myself and everyone in my story to a life of misery, regret and inauthenticity?

 

and

 

2. There's another woman out there who makes my heart skip a beat and makes me weak at the knees. The sex is amazing. She tells me I'm the sexiest man alive and the greatest lover in the world. We do fun things together - get drunk, go for nice meals...and have lots and lots of sex. It’s just one big party and she “gets” me. Shouldn't I be with her?

 

With these two things nagging at me, I started to believe that I was living inauthentically and I started to fall into a depression.

 

Hard work, study and time have done their job and I have now turned this argument on its head. This is now what 1 and 2 above look like: -

 

1. Decades ago I met an amazing woman who I fell in love with. While the crazy infatuation inevitably dies down, we built a deep loving, respectful relationship, got married, had great kids and did all the wonderful things that married couples do. Somewhere along the line, I got a bit bogged down in routine and life seemed a little dull. Instead of working on it, I escaped it, had an affair and broke my wife's heart.

 

and

 

2. The OW certainly was an amazing woman who made my heart flutter. But this was new love, infatuation, limerence and it was all played out in a fantasy bubble enabled by sneaking, lying and cheating. Yes we told each other we were amazing and the best lovers in the world, yes we had laughs and got drunk and had sex all the time......but this is not a sustainable way of live. There was actually very little substance to the relationship, no solid foundation.

 

And now I return back to the issue of authenticity. What really is the most authentic way to live? OK, yet another list: -

 

1. To accept that no life, no marriage and no spouse is perfect, but to love them actively anyway, to ride out the ups and downs, to work constantly on the marriage, to honour your commitments, to sometimes do things even when you don't feel like it, just to make them feel happy and secure, to compromise, to be there when they are ill, to put them first, to put up with the dirty clothes on the floor and the occasional over-cooked dinner. To accept a little routine and mundaneness once in a while - this is normal life for most people. To not constantly be thinking about what else is out there and what we may be missing out on. And in doing all the above, fall back in love again in a marriage which you hurt very badly and had almost given up on.

 

or

 

2. Life the high life with an exciting new person - a constant stream of compliments and sweet nothings. Feeling constantly excited, sexy, hormonal and weak at the knees. Delight in the newness of the relationship and learning about each other. Always dressed your best (when you can keep your clothes on), always showered, always on top form, never moody or irritable. Non-stop wine, fancy meals, sex, living in the minute in a secret bubble away from anyone else - and most especially the people who you are cheating, hurting and betraying without their knowledge.

 

So what is really an authentic way to live? I go for 1! And I'm so glad that I did go for 1. Many don't get given a chance after D-day and I have grabbed my chance with both hands.

 

Now maybe not everyone will fit into this model. Maybe your marriage is fundamentally flawed and has been unhappy for years? Maybe you need to consider ending it? If so, do not do anything rash – think about it properly, take counselling and talk to your wife. Certainly I know that for me, my issues were in my poor communication with my wife in not letting her know my needs and when I wasn’t feeling happy, and my cavalier, escapist, entitled attitude in allowing myself to get mixed up with someone else. There was nothing fundamentally wrong in my marriage. I hope the same is true for you!

 

At the end of the A, my head was as mixed up as yours seems to be, but it is a LOT clearer now. Do the hard work and the introspection and you will get clarity!

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Keep posting!

Edited August 4, 2017 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Former OW.... Four years out of my affair. I've since met a single man and married him.

 

I'm very happy and it's because I live an authentic life.

 

Wonderful to read posts like this! Well done (HappyAgain2014)! And your experiences, although terribly painful, will have taught you a huge amount about life and you will be able to invest all this into your marriage. Your H is a lucky man!

[jenkins95]

Affairs are exciting. You live on the adrenaline and dopamine. The sex can be other worldly. Why? Because you're all jacked up.

 

That's not happiness. Only 1% of affairs are successful. Why because that excitement dies down. Usually it's crisis mode all the time.

 

Happiness is being at peace, understanding the grass isn't greener and being honest with yourself.

 

I was in a long term affair that I walked away from. I was sick of the drama. The unpredictability of my AP, the danger of being caught.

 

I still get cyberstalker. I don't engage.

 

Life is so much easier when you have nothing to hide, and appreciate what you have.

 

 

I really relate to this. Being in an affair is living in extremes - massive highs, hormone rushes, excitement, passion, urgency......and on the other hand...... paranoia, guilt, frustration, desperation, confusion, depression, stress, regret and sadness. And it takes lies and deceit to maintain - this is stressful and you better get your story straight to all the people you are deceiving...or else! It becomes almost difficult to discern what is real and what is a lie anymore. I did it for over a year. I couldn't take it again...I couldn't survive it. At times I looked in the mirror and didn't recognise the man who looked back at me.

 

Rather than spending my life on a perpetual rollercoaster, I'll take a nice pleasant, gentle walk in the park every time now on!

[Bittersweetie]

I responded in your other thread but just saw this one.

 

I was a MW who had an A nine years ago. D-day was almost 8.5 years ago. I am much, much more satisfied with my life now, living honestly and authentically, than I ever was when in the A. I am happy too. Am I happy all the time? Of course not. My life is not perfect...whose is? However I now have the proper coping skills and frame of mind to handle the bumps that life gives. I do not need to hide anything, and when I need help, I turn toward my H, and he turns toward me. I actually found also that after working on myself and my marriage, all of my relationships have improved: with my parents, my friends.

 

I'm glad you are working with a counselor, it helped me.

[somuchfortheone]

An interesting thread and some excellent contributions from some of my favourite posters.

 

As an MM, I had an A which ended a couple of years ago. Feelings were involved and I took a while to recover and feel fully recommitted to my marriage. My story is on here if you are interested to read it.

 

I am doing well again now and so happy that I did not abandon my wife and family. I truly hope that the OW is doing well and has put the affair behind her too. As many posters are saying, I wouldn't say I am always ecstatically "happy", but I have found peace (excellent choice of word). This has come from a lot of hard work and reflection in trying to understand my affair and affairs in general and this place is great at being able to help with that!

 

<snip>

 

I can't like this post enough times.

Edited August 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote and truncate

[ladydesigner]

I am both an xMOW and a BS many times over and I can tell you the thing that has helped me the most is loving myself more than the person I am with ;-)

 

There isn't a M or R out there that even competes with YOU!

 

I don't see M or relationships the way I used to I guess it's all the baggage I have had to work through and A's to get through, my own and my H's.

 

YOU are most important and YOUR happiness matters most!

[MJJean]

I had a fundamentally flawed first marriage. Poor choice of spouse due to an accidental pregnancy. Multiple affairs. I left the marriage for my final AP. We've been married 14 years, together 17 years total. I'm happy overall. No one is happy all the time. Our brains are literally not wired for that.

[Southwardbound]

This is something that is really causing me a great deal of anxiety

I am trying very hard to work on my issues with a counsellor so that hopefully i never cheat again.

My question is that i guess there is a difference between a future life of happiness and a future life of authenticity and they may not equate to the same thing.

 

I assume that may people who were involved in the affair probably left the site when they started moving on but for those of you MM/MW/OM/OW, after the affair, how many of you can truly say that you have found happiness? How many of you have found yourself back in the same situation (with the same or another partner) and how many of you have found a life of authenticity rather than happiness?

 

Now I'm an OW, Originally my current MM was my OM when I was married - so then I was a WS, that was decades ago & life was complicated. I got a divorce about 10 years ago, so my life got uncomplicated, while he got married. We got back together starting an LTA just over 2 years ago. I wish he would get a divorce, but he won't while his kids are under 18. Will he ever do it? I have my doubts. I think he fears what toll it will take on his wallet, what his family will say, what others will say. He will probably end up settling in his M, an M he is not totally happy with. I don't think if he was truly happy in his M we would be having an LTA, he probably would have kept us just in the friend zone. So all this means, I'm back in basically the same situation as before, just a role reversal.

 

Is our relationship authentic and happy? Yes, we live together part of the time. What we feel for each other is real. Sure the sex is great, but then it always was between us. Our relationship is not one of window dressings, where we see each other only when we are all dressed up, it's normal one where we both see each other at our best, worse, and everything that comes inbetween that. We have no trouble communicating our wants/needs/desires/ feelings with each other. However, he hasn't told his wife about me, ever. And I think one day that will come back to bite him, badly, mainly because he was never honest with her about his relationship with me before they married. But, my family all knows.

 

I've thought about stopping the A, but it would mean entering into another relationship that I know would just be a 'settling.' Right, I don't want to just 'settle' so I'm going to wait and see what happens for a while longer.

 

My advice to you is to, if you really want your marriage to work, then you need to communicate your needs, wants, desires, your deepest fantasizes to your wife. And she needs to do the same. If your too far out of whack with each other, then you'll either just have to 'settle' for life as it is; or get a divorce. Then go after what you really want. But, first you need to examine what it is you really want.

Good luck.

[jenkins95]

(((Southwardbound)))

 

You have provided some great advice to the OP! Some of what you said really got me thinking and I have some reaction below. Please don't think I'm attacking you! I'm simply trying to stimulate debate and play devil's advocate! Also, please don't think I'm judging or taking the moral high ground. I promise I'm not. I had an affair too, after all, and so I wouldn't have the right even if I wanted to!

 

He will probably end up settling in his M, an M he is not totally happy with. I don't think if he was truly happy in his M we would be having an LTA, he probably would have kept us just in the friend zone. So all this means, I'm back in basically the same situation as before, just a role reversal.

 

I think the dread of the word "settling" can be quite damaging and lead to falsely high expectations. After all, we're all "settling" really because nothing is ever perfect. There is a secret to happiness that can be invoked here: realistic expectations! You can wait all your life for Mr perfect, and end up wasting decades. Meanwhile you let "Mr 80% perfect" slip your grasp! And Mr 80% perfect can make you very happy indeed. In fact, his imperfections will ironically make him even more perfect in the long run.

 

My father loved his first car, he adored it. It was cheap, broke down often and was held together with spare parts.... But it gave him so much joy! The carefree photos of him smiling as he sits on the bonnet show this perfectly! But then he got caught up in the rat race and seduced with the idea of which car he "should" be driving. These days, with a successful business behind him, he buys very nice cars, but they all disappoint him, he finds something wrong, something imperfect... And he goes on to the next one..... Which also disappoints. You see, he's raised the bar, set sky high unrealistic expectations. He can afford cars that were beyond his wildest dreams 40 years ago...but his relationship with cars has totally lost its magic. He has reduced it to a science and somewhere along the way, he has lost the fun, the passion and the joy.

 

Do you really think your MM is "settling"? What do you think it would be like if he eliminated her from his life and lived exclusively wth you? Would he suddenly find perfection? I suspect not. I am quite sure he is very happy to have two women in his life and cake eat. One (his W) doesn't know about the other (you), so that's OK, but as for you, well he can keep you sweet by leading you to believe that you are the one he'd truly be with if not for the huge inconvenience of his kids. Is this true? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Perhaps you both fulfill some but not all of his needs, and I believe this quite likely. Many men will cake eat if they can. I did for a while, Louis XV of France and Henry VIII of England did with multiple women.... simply because they were untouchable and could do whatever they wanted.... but when you read biographies of these people, they don't come across as "happy". If they had been born as paupers, they probably would have "settled" too... and been quite happy, as their expectations wouldn't have been so ridiculously unrealistically high, which almost guarantees disappointment.

 

Here is an article that suggests we should view the idea of "settling" in a different light:

 

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/jan/05/oliver-burkeman-settling

 

Is our relationship authentic and happy? Yes

 

Yeah, the trouble wth this is that his wife and kids probably wouldn't see it that way. Apart from anything else, they are under the the impression that THEY are living an authentic life with him. But of course, they have no knowledge of any of this and so can be dismissed from consideration.

 

But can you really consider this guy authentic? When single, he cheated with a married woman, and while married, he has basically been cheating from day one. I pity his poor wife if she ever finds out that her entire married life is essentially a lie.

 

I've thought about stopping the A, but it would mean entering into another relationship that I know would just be a 'settling.' Right, I don't want to just 'settle' so I'm going to wait and see what happens for a while longer.

 

Ah yes, that word again "settling". We can't have that! But SB, you are selling yourself very short here. There are approximately 3 billion men on this earth and yet you are convinced that this man, who is committed to another woman on whom he's cheating, is the only one that can make you truly happy?

 

I suspect if you dropped him, recovered for a few months and then opened yourself up to the possibility, I think you'd find a great many Mr imperfectly perfects out there who could make you very happy indeed...... and without a ring on their finger!

 

Southwardbound, as I said, just playing devil's advocate and being deliberately controversial! Please don't take this as an attack! I truly wish you all the best whatever path you take!

Edited August 5, 2017 by jenkins95

[SecretStar]

I just wanted to add another perspective. My parents both cheated on each other. My mom ran off with my best friend's dad and eventually married him. I remember wishing they would just divorce and get it over with.

Kids see and know more than you might realize about these affairs. A bad marriage isn't good for the kids so don't use them as an excuse to stick with it. On the other hand, the affairs do a lot of damage to kids. I'm fending off limerence right now and am finally beginning to understand the affect of my parent's infidelity.

[Southwardbound]

(((Southwardbound)))

 

You have provided some great advice to the OP! Some of what you said really got me thinking and I have some reaction below. Please don't think I'm attacking you! I'm simply trying to stimulate debate and play devil's advocate! Also, please don't think I'm judging or taking the moral high ground. I promise I'm not. I had an affair too, after all, and so I wouldn't have the right even if I wanted to!

 

 

 

I think the dread of the word "settling" can be quite damaging and lead to falsely high expectations. After all, we're all "settling" really because nothing is ever perfect. There is a secret to happiness that can be invoked here: realistic expectations! You can wait all your life for Mr perfect, and end up wasting decades. Meanwhile you let "Mr 80% perfect" slip your grasp! And Mr 80% perfect can make you very happy indeed. In fact, his imperfections will ironically make him even more perfect in the long run.

 

My father loved his first car, he adored it. It was cheap, broke down often and was held together with spare parts.... But it gave him so much joy! The carefree photos of him smiling as he sits on the bonnet show this perfectly! But then he got caught up in the rat race and seduced with the idea of which car he "should" be driving. These days, with a successful business behind him, he buys very nice cars, but they all disappoint him, he finds something wrong, something imperfect... And he goes on to the next one..... Which also disappoints. You see, he's raised the bar, set sky high unrealistic expectations. He can afford cars that were beyond his wildest dreams 40 years ago...but his relationship with cars has totally lost its magic. He has reduced it to a science and somewhere along the way, he has lost the fun, the passion and the joy.

 

Do you really think your MM is "settling"? What do you think it would be like if he eliminated her from his life and lived exclusively wth you? Would he suddenly find perfection? I suspect not. I am quite sure he is very happy to have two women in his life and cake eat. One (his W) doesn't know about the other (you), so that's OK, but as for you, well he can keep you sweet by leading you to believe that you are the one he'd truly be with if not for the huge inconvenience of his kids. Is this true? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Perhaps you both fulfill some but not all of his needs, and I believe this quite likely. Many men will cake eat if they can. I did for a while, Louis XV of France and Henry VIII of England did with multiple women.... simply because they were untouchable and could do whatever they wanted.... but when you read biographies of these people, they don't come across as "happy". If they had been born as paupers, they probably would have "settled" too... and been quite happy, as their expectations wouldn't have been so ridiculously unrealistically high, which almost guarantees disappointment.

 

Here is an article that suggests we should view the idea of "settling" in a different light:

 

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/jan/05/oliver-burkeman-settling

 

 

 

Yeah, the trouble wth this is that his wife and kids probably wouldn't see it that way. Apart from anything else, they are under the the impression that THEY are living an authentic life with him. But of course, they have no knowledge of any of this and so can be dismissed from consideration.

 

But can you really consider this guy authentic? When single, he cheated with a married woman, and while married, he has basically been cheating from day one. I pity his poor wife if she ever finds out that her entire married life is essentially a lie.

 

 

 

Ah yes, that word again "settling". We can't have that! But SB, you are selling yourself very short here. There are approximately 3 billion men on this earth and yet you are convinced that this man, who is committed to another woman on whom he's cheating, is the only one that can make you truly happy?

 

I suspect if you dropped him, recovered for a few months and then opened yourself up to the possibility, I think you'd find a great many Mr imperfectly perfects out there who could make you very happy indeed...... and without a ring on their finger!

 

Southwardbound, as I said, just playing devil's advocate and being deliberately controversial! Please don't take this as an attack! I truly wish you all the best whatever path you take!

 

Jenkins I thank you for taking the time to write back, it's one of the reasons why I come to this site as I said earlier, to find clarity in my own situation. Please do be deliberately controversial. I did not find it offensive, and nor, I do take it as an attack. I want to to think about my situation, that's why I made the comments I did.

 

I know my own situation is not ideal. Yes- I'm sure you're right when you say both she and I each bring things to the table that are different. Am I perfect, certainly not. Is he totally perfect, certainly not. Everyone has flaws. For him & me, a lot of it has always been a question of timing, as far as us being single - now & in the past.

I'm not selling myself short, I know if I wanted another man, I could find one - that has never been an issue for me. And I don't say that out of conceit, cause I'm don't have a picture perfect figure anymore, but what I do have is a quicksilver mind, good sense of humor,etc. I currently have another man knocking at my door now who I could encourage... he's single, my age, & we have a lot in common. However, he doesn't trip all my triggers like this one does. I don't love him, this I'll call him a new man (but I have known him a long time - but always from a friend zone perspective, though he's always wanted more), but maybe I could? But I do know that if I went with him, I'd be 'settling (there's that word you don't like Jenkins!).'

 

I am not looking at any of this from the 'limerace' stage either, my MM and I have long been out of that stage.

 

All the things you said about my MM, yes they are true from the standpoint of what he's done, one might say he is not a nice man. When it comes to me, he has no boundaries. I don't think he would cheat with anyone else. The last time we spit it took me a very long time to recover of complete cold turkey. I'm not at the point that I want to do that - to lose someone again who I not only have a deep friendship, partnership, with, but who is also my lover.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins I thank you for taking the time to write back, it's one of the reasons why I come to this site as I said earlier, to find clarity in my own situation. Please do be deliberately controversial. I did not find it offensive, and nor, I do take it as an attack. I want to to think about my situation, that's why I made the comments I did.

 

I know my own situation is not ideal. Yes- I'm sure you're right when you say both she and I each bring things to the table that are different. Am I perfect, certainly not. Is he totally perfect, certainly not. Everyone has flaws. For him & me, a lot of it has always been a question of timing, as far as us being single - now & in the past.

I'm not selling myself short, I know if I wanted another man, I could find one - that has never been an issue for me. And I don't say that out of conceit, cause I'm don't have a picture perfect figure anymore, but what I do have is a quicksilver mind, good sense of humor,etc. I currently have another man knocking at my door now who I could encourage... he's single, my age, & we have a lot in common. However, he doesn't trip all my triggers like this one does. I don't love him, this I'll call him a new man (but I have known him a long time - but always from a friend zone perspective, though he's always wanted more), but maybe I could? But I do know that if I went with him, I'd be 'settling (there's that word you don't like Jenkins!).'

 

I am not looking at any of this from the 'limerace' stage either, my MM and I have long been out of that stage.

 

All the things you said about my MM, yes they are true from the standpoint of what he's done, one might say he is not a nice man. When it comes to me, he has no boundaries. I don't think he would cheat with anyone else. The last time we spit it took me a very long time to recover of complete cold turkey. I'm not at the point that I want to do that - to lose someone again who I not only have a deep friendship, partnership, with, but who is also my lover.

 

Excellent response (((SouthwardBound)))! Thanks for replying to my post.

[freengreen]

An interesting thread and some excellent contributions from some of my favourite posters.

 

As an MM, I had an A which ended a couple of years ago. Feelings were involved and I took a while to recover and feel fully recommitted to my marriage. My story is on here if you are interested to read it.

 

I am doing well again now and so happy that I did not abandon my wife and family. I truly hope that the OW is doing well and has put the affair behind her too. As many posters are saying, I wouldn't say I am always ecstatically "happy", but I have found peace (excellent choice of word). This has come from a lot of hard work and reflection in trying to understand my affair and affairs in general and this place is great at being able to help with that!

 

Regarding the bolded line, I struggled with the concept of authenticity as I tried to recover from the affair. Like most of us, I scanned the web for articles on affairs. I hit on some that suggested that you should get out of your marriage if you weren't living "authentically". This troubled and disturbed me a lot and caused me lots of sleepless nights......

 

Just after the A, this was going through my mind: -

 

1. I had an A, therefore there must have been something wrong in my M? Having an A will surely only make this worse? Surely I can't love my W? Surely I can't be happy in this M? Am I only staying because I'm a coward and because I don't want to break up my kids' family unit? Should I really be here? Am I not condemning myself and everyone in my story to a life of misery, regret and inauthenticity?

 

and

 

2. There's another woman out there who makes my heart skip a beat and makes me weak at the knees. The sex is amazing. She tells me I'm the sexiest man alive and the greatest lover in the world. We do fun things together - get drunk, go for nice meals...and have lots and lots of sex. It’s just one big party and she “gets” me. Shouldn't I be with her?

 

With these two things nagging at me, I started to believe that I was living inauthentically and I started to fall into a depression.

 

Hard work, study and time have done their job and I have now turned this argument on its head. This is now what 1 and 2 above look like: -

 

1. Decades ago I met an amazing woman who I fell in love with. While the crazy infatuation inevitably dies down, we built a deep loving, respectful relationship, got married, had great kids and did all the wonderful things that married couples do. Somewhere along the line, I got a bit bogged down in routine and life seemed a little dull. Instead of working on it, I escaped it, had an affair and broke my wife's heart.

 

and

 

2. The OW certainly was an amazing woman who made my heart flutter. But this was new love, infatuation, limerence and it was all played out in a fantasy bubble enabled by sneaking, lying and cheating. Yes we told each other we were amazing and the best lovers in the world, yes we had laughs and got drunk and had sex all the time......but this is not a sustainable way of live. There was actually very little substance to the relationship, no solid foundation.

 

And now I return back to the issue of authenticity. What really is the most authentic way to live? OK, yet another list: -

 

1. To accept that no life, no marriage and no spouse is perfect, but to love them actively anyway, to ride out the ups and downs, to work constantly on the marriage, to honour your commitments, to sometimes do things even when you don't feel like it, just to make them feel happy and secure, to compromise, to be there when they are ill, to put them first, to put up with the dirty clothes on the floor and the occasional over-cooked dinner. To accept a little routine and mundaneness once in a while - this is normal life for most people. To not constantly be thinking about what else is out there and what we may be missing out on. And in doing all the above, fall back in love again in a marriage which you hurt very badly and had almost given up on.

 

or

 

2. Life the high life with an exciting new person - a constant stream of compliments and sweet nothings. Feeling constantly excited, sexy, hormonal and weak at the knees. Delight in the newness of the relationship and learning about each other. Always dressed your best (when you can keep your clothes on), always showered, always on top form, never moody or irritable. Non-stop wine, fancy meals, sex, living in the minute in a secret bubble away from anyone else - and most especially the people who you are cheating, hurting and betraying without their knowledge.

 

So what is really an authentic way to live? I go for 1! And I'm so glad that I did go for 1. Many don't get given a chance after D-day and I have grabbed my chance with both hands.

 

Now maybe not everyone will fit into this model. Maybe your marriage is fundamentally flawed and has been unhappy for years? Maybe you need to consider ending it? If so, do not do anything rash – think about it properly, take counselling and talk to your wife. Certainly I know that for me, my issues were in my poor communication with my wife in not letting her know my needs and when I wasn’t feeling happy, and my cavalier, escapist, entitled attitude in allowing myself to get mixed up with someone else. There was nothing fundamentally wrong in my marriage. I hope the same is true for you!

 

At the end of the A, my head was as mixed up as yours seems to be, but it is a LOT clearer now. Do the hard work and the introspection and you will get clarity!

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Keep posting!

Explained so well... Jenkins, glad to see you so far from where you got lost... and glad to see you so close to where you started (( jenkins))...

[elaine567]

I know my own situation is not ideal. Yes- I'm sure you're right when you say both she and I each bring things to the table that are different.

 

You say you do not want to "settle" but is that not exactly what you are doing?

 

 

settle

- accept or agree to (something that one considers to be less than satisfactory).