jenkins95 Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 Explained so well... Jenkins, glad to see you so far from where you got lost... and glad to see you so close to where you started (( jenkins))... Thank you so much for writing to me like this (((freengreen))). It means so much to me, has really touched me and put a big smile on my face. It's great to see you in so much better a place too! I'm pulling for you. You are a star! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 I'm definitely a better and happier person. The affair changed me and I didn't even know I needed changing. Back then I didn't care about the fact that the man I'm sleeping with is married, I didn't care about anything other than getting what I want and what feels good to me. Yes, it was exciting and passionate and an adrenaline rush, but that flame pretty much dies down in a minute. You know whats more fun and exciting - actually being completely in control of my own life, having meaningful and caring relationships and a person who repeatedly shows me that he cares about me. You know, maybe it's also selfish of me to say that I'm not sorry the affair happened because of the profound way it has impacted my life, but that's honestly how I feel. I do feel bad that so many people were hurt in the process. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 I think the dread of the word "settling" can be quite damaging and lead to falsely high expectations. After all, we're all "settling" really because nothing is ever perfect. There is a secret to happiness that can be invoked here: realistic expectations! You can wait all your life for Mr perfect, and end up wasting decades. Meanwhile you let "Mr 80% perfect" slip your grasp! And Mr 80% perfect can make you very happy indeed. In fact, his imperfections will ironically make him even more perfect in the long run. Thank you, Jenkins! We talk a lot on here about the addictive and addiction nature of A's. That's always very apparent to me, because I'm also 20 years in Alcoholics Anonymous. In AA you often hear "Acceptance is the key to all of my problems today." Much of what we combat is willfulness and wanting things to be and happen exactly how we want them to be and happen. It is an affliction of ego and it can be ruin to someone with an addictive personality. And yet, there I was 15 years sober and got into a LTA for four years, which has been ending for over a year. I was/am the classic cake-eater. That's not to say my feelings for the OW, also a MW, were or are not real. But nonetheless it was destructive on every level. To live authentically, I had to accept many things. The keys to my freedom lie therein. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Southwardbound Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 You say you do not want to "settle" but is that not exactly what you are doing? To some extent at the moment I guess I am 'settling' in that right now (I haven't thought about it like that, but now I will (thank you)), mainly because of my own circumstances and his, I am accepting the situation. However, that will change because of family circumstances for both him & me in a few years time. Then the decision time will come, either he leaves her, or I leave him. He & I have already talked about this. I have no doubts that he does love & care for me. But, I also know he is extremely good at compartmentalization. And as in other threads I have read here, those who are often really good at that, are also good at future-faking. I hope he does not fall into that category. Time will tell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 its been 2mths and im starting to feel good, I dont need that cheater. I think of it this way his wife has to put up with the farting snoring, and his mess. the she needs to watch him around other woman, all the lies have gone from my life and i feel so much better. only think is if the dna test on my son say hes the father i have to deal with him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I just wanted to add another perspective. My parents both cheated on each other. My mom ran off with my best friend's dad and eventually married him. I remember wishing they would just divorce and get it over with. Kids see and know more than you might realize about these affairs. A bad marriage isn't good for the kids so don't use them as an excuse to stick with it. On the other hand, the affairs do a lot of damage to kids. I'm fending off limerence right now and am finally beginning to understand the affect of my parent's infidelity. My mom's A actually helped fuel me right into my own A. So you are definitely right on it not always being a positive thing ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
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