Boyfriend travelling with female friend - me feel less jealous!?

[Lovezen_30]

When I first met my boyfriend (been together just under a year) he told me he had a 'best friend' who was female. I could relate to an extent because I also have a best male friend - however, over the last year, I have put some distance between me and that friend. I have done this because I personally only want to have a level of emotional closeness with my boyfriend.

 

Anyway I have not really heard about her since until last weekend when we were on a romantic evening in a hotel. We were at the bar when his phone rang late at night (to be fair she lives in another country, different time zone). He shut it off immediately but it interrupted the evening. When I asked about the friendship, he told me he had feelings for her back in the day, but not anymore. He said 'I'm with you, you're not in competition with anyone else.'

 

Now he's travelling to her country to visit another friend. I couldn't get the time off work although I was desparate to go/he asked me. So now he is making plans with her to take a trip there when he arrives. I really want to be the 'cool, secure' girlfriend here but it worries me. Especially as she once mentioned how most of their times together had been alcohol fuelled?

 

Aside from this I feel the relationship is absolutely rock solid. I know how much he loves me. Help?

[elaine567]

I would not put up with that, full stop.

Yes, you want to be seen as the cool secure gf but he is taking the mickey out of you if he thinks he can take an alcohol fuelled trip alone with someone who is essentially his ex or at least an ex crush... and I guess she still has feelings for him too.

 

If she is his best friend, then why would she contact him late at night whilst he was away on a romantic trip with you... I guess it was an attempt to sabotage your night away.

 

I would not trust them an inch, sorry to say..

[Mumbles]

Aside from this I feel the relationship is absolutely rock solid. I know how much he loves me. Help?

 

I wouldn't be cool with this. Maybe I'm just old fashioned? I don't know ... I've enough life experience to tell me that so very often 'nature takes its course' and unanticipated things happen.

 

The thing is, are his/her plans not flexible? ie; can they not fit this holiday into your availability work wise?

[Andy_K]

Don't think this is a massive problem, it's not like he's gone off travelling with another girl.

 

He planned the trip primarily to visit a different friend (male?), and he invited you along too. If this other woman is a genuine friend it would be pretty rude not to take the opportunity to also see her whilst he's in the same country, wouldn't it?

[Lovezen_30]

Don't think this is a massive problem, it's not like he's gone off travelling with another girl.

 

He planned the trip primarily to visit a different friend (male?), and he invited you along too. If this other woman is a genuine friend it would be pretty rude not to take the opportunity to also see her whilst he's in the same country, wouldn't it?

 

Hi Andy. Yeah, he has went for a friend's wedding. Meanwhile, his female friend (who may also be travelling with her friend) wants to meet up with him.

 

Let's go on the basis that I trust him. Can I put any boundaries in place? I am not comfortable with the thought of a super long trip together or alcohol fuelling the trip overly. How can I deal with this without looking nuts?

 

There is no way I can make the trip. I did everything I could to try, but on this occasion it's not happening due to work.

[PegNosePete]

When I first met my boyfriend (been together just under a year) he told me he had a 'best friend' who was female.

...

I have not really heard about her since until last weekend

He doesn't talk to his "best friend" much, does he? That seems pretty strange to me.

 

Or was he talking to her all along, just never mentioned her to you? That's also pretty strange, I mention my friends to my partner all the time.

 

to be fair she lives in another country, different time zone

She knows where he lives, and knows the time difference. Especially if she's his "best friend" she would think about the time difference before calling. She knew exactly what time it was for him, when she called.

 

How can I deal with this without looking nuts?

Well, you probably can't. But looking a little nuts is not necessarily a bad thing.

 

I'm a great fan of letting people behave how they want to. But of course actions have consequences. You're his partner, not his mother or his jailer. Let him do what he wants - but if he does something wrong, don't just ignore it.

[Lovezen_30]

He doesn't talk to his "best friend" much, does he? That seems pretty strange to me.

 

Or was he talking to her all along, just never mentioned her to you? That's also pretty strange, I mention my friends to my partner all the time.

 

 

She knows where he lives, and knows the time difference. Especially if she's his "best friend" she would think about the time difference before calling. She knew exactly what time it was for him, when she called.

 

 

Well, you probably can't. But looking a little nuts is not necessarily a bad thing.

 

I'm a great fan of letting people behave how they want to. But of course actions have consequences. You're his partner, not his mother or his jailer. Let him do what he wants - but if he does something wrong, don't just ignore it.

 

Well I personally would never dream of calling up a close male friend with a girlfriend late on a weekend night - precisely because I would be sensitive enough to assume they might be together. If it happened again, I would be raising it as an issue for sure.

 

I think he talks about his other friends more because he spends time with them in person - she lives in another country. I've noticed her messages to him are gushy/over the top and he responds with just a few words/quite drily.

 

I guess I cannot do anything...as I am not his jailer, as you say. He already told me he doesn't permit cheating in a relationship, which i respect and agree on. But I also think people can get 'too close' without really thinking about what they are doing sometimes.

[guest569]

I want to say that it is a one off nd nothing to worry about. But the fact he "used to" fancy her would make me very uncomfortable. It's not about jealousy so much as uneasiness over something inappropriate. I put up with a lot of crap from my ex and his very close best friend so personally I would bail at the slightest hint of this type of thing. If he loves you then surely he will understand and take your feelings seriously.

[Lovezen_30]

I want to say that it is a one off nd nothing to worry about. But the fact he "used to" fancy her would make me very uncomfortable. It's not about jealousy so much as uneasiness over something inappropriate. I put up with a lot of crap from my ex and his very close best friend so personally I would bail at the slightest hint of this type of thing. If he loves you then surely he will understand and take your feelings seriously.

 

Yes, this is the part that concerns me. I would have no problem if I truly felt she was and always had been just a platonic friend. I have a male friend like this, but we keep in distant contact and are no longer close out of respect for our relationships.

 

In a previous relationship my then boyfriend said there was nothing between him and his then best friend. They are now getting married, so I am sure this is where some of my insecurty comes from.

 

But again what can I do? Nothing but try to manage my feelings while he is off having fun

[Andy_K]

Can I put any boundaries in place? I am not comfortable with the thought of a super long trip together or alcohol fuelling the trip overly. How can I deal with this without looking nuts?

 

Putting down any kind of 'rules' won't matter one bit, since he can do what he wants without you finding out anyway. Worse, it'll make you look insecure and controlling.

 

Here's a better question. What does he think his boundaries should be? What would he be comfortable with if the situation was reversed? If his moral compass matches yours then you won't have anything to worry about.

[fred123]

you are incompatible. you wouldn't do what he does but he doesn't mind.

 

i would find it funny if the next girl he is with he is in a very similar situation and he decides he won't take this trip as he doesn't want to disrespect his girlfriend.

you would feel like crap right that he didnt do that with you?

 

probs not that into you

[Els]

You don't have to "play the cool girlfriend" if something bothers you. In fact, it would backfire if you did, because then you would just harbour resentment and he would have no idea it was bothering you.

 

Anyway, what sort of "meetup" is he having with her? Is it just a day out for lunch and some sightseeing in a place they are already at, or is he literally taking a trip with her for a few days and possibly even sharing a room? I would be fine with the former but not the latter.

[PegNosePete]

He already told me he doesn't permit cheating in a relationship

Did he also tell you that he breaths oxygen and that water is wet? I mean, this is just stating the totally obvious. In fact I'd question the motivations of anyone who says this kind of stuff. Why does he feel the need to say he doesn't permit cheating? If it was just a throwaway comment or part of a conversation, then fine. But if he was actually making a point of saying this, or says it multiple times -- it may be cause for concern.

[Zahara]

He already told me he doesn't permit cheating in a relationship

 

An odd thing to say. It's a given. Why would someone need to announce it unless they were guilty themselves of doing it.

 

My ex used to say that and in the end, he was the one that was cheating.

 

May not apply with your boyfriend but the fact that this doesn't seem like a boundary issue for him is not a good sign -- especially with a woman he once had feelings for and then you add alcohol to the mix -- I couldn't do it and he should know better.

[Lovezen_30]

An odd thing to say. It's a given. Why would someone need to announce it unless they were guilty themselves of doing it.

 

My ex used to say that and in the end, he was the one that was cheating.

 

May not apply with your boyfriend but the fact that this doesn't seem like a boundary issue for him is not a good sign -- especially with a woman he once had feelings for and then you add alcohol to the mix -- I couldn't do it and he should know better.

 

RE the cheating thing - this came up after I said 'In relation to an LDR, would you want to keep the relationship monogamous or open?'. He said monogamous, which lead onto the cheating comment. That you are either monogamous or not, and there is no in between. I agreed.

 

You are correct that he should know better. So, I feel like if I do say anything, it will sound as though I don't trust him. He has been on trips and nights out with her for years, sometimes drinking, and he says nothing ever happened. Still bugs me, but I think maybe taking the high road and just telling him to have a great time might be better?

[Lovezen_30]

Or maybe I should be totally vulnerable - basically say that given the context, that he once had feelings for this person, I would feel uncomfortable about lots of one on one time and alcohol thrown into the mix?

[elaine567]

but I think maybe taking the high road and just telling him to have a great time might be better?

 

For who?

 

How long exactly are they going away on this trip together.

Have you ever met her, been introduced to her, spoken to her, seen them together etc.

He says to you nothing has ever happened, but he is hardly likely to tell you they have had mind blowing sex every time they have ever met up is he?

 

Yes they may be purely platonic but most best friends tend to butt out and not put themselves right into the middle of their friend's relationship. Going away on a cosy trip alone is usually seen as a step too far, when one of the friends is obviously attached.

[Lovezen_30]

For who?

 

How long exactly are they going away on this trip together.

Have you ever met her, been introduced to her, spoken to her, seen them together etc.

He says to you nothing has ever happened, but he is hardly likely to tell you they have had mind blowing sex every time they have ever met up is he?

 

Yes they may be purely platonic but most best friends tend to butt out and not put themselves right into the middle of their friend's relationship. Going away on a cosy trip alone is usually seen as a step too far, when one of the friends is obviously attached.

 

The have not decided yet on how long the trip will be. No, I haven't met her because she lives in another country. No, I suppose he would not tell me that! But I really do get the impression he was being honest. I usually have a fairly good lie detector and I felt he was being honest.

 

The thing is if he doesn't meet up with her, it could be another 6 months - 1 year until they see each other again.

[ZayKayWill]

Hahaha. This topic reminds me of the "Would you be cool with your partner going on vacation with an opposite gender friend" and most people said hell no, so what you're feeling isn't uncommon. Personally if he blatantly didn't invite you along I would be concerned but that doesn't seem to be the case. If you are uncomfortable you need to let him know. It's very normal to get uncomfortable about these things even if there really is nothing going on. Sometimes we just need to give in in respect to our partners feelings even if said feelings aren't necessarily justified. Wish you all the best.

[Mysterio]

If the BF wants to cheat he will. It can go both ways. I have female friends that I hang out with. None of them and I have tried to have a situation where we go on a trip with each other. Even if one of us has a spouse.

 

If I had a GF. I guess I would talk about respectful boundaries. I don't think I would try to go on a expensive holiday with my female friend and I.

[Steve51]

I travelled a lot on business. All over the world. After two bad experiences I made it a point not to travel with a woman. Did not matter if they were married or not. You are both alone, have a few drinks and no spouses or friends around to catch you. You can have sex with a 100% chance of never being caught.

 

The first time the girl kissed me and then stuck her tongue in my mouth. I pushed her back, after a few seconds that is, and told her I could not do it. The second time it was a married woman with a daddy fetish who wanted me to dominate her. Or so she said since she was drunk every night and pressing me to have sex with her. After a few days I hid in my room and did not answer her calls.

 

Too much temptation especially if I was friendly with the woman. All you can do is trust him. I look at it this way, if he is the cheating kind, he will cheat anyway no matter where he is.

[PegNosePete]

'In relation to an LDR, would you want to keep the relationship monogamous or open?'[/b]

Are you LDR, then?

 

And before you ask "why does it matter?"... it matters. An LDR requires a high degree of trust. Which you clearly (rightly or wrongly) don't have.