Backing out of wedding party?

[Bufo]

Posting for my son whose best friend is getting married Thanksgiving weekend,

Problem? Bride to be chose a destination wedding. Son is member of wedding party.

 

Now he finds out just how expensive this will be. Sky high airfare that weekend. Plus hotel bills. And if he misses work the flowing Monday he loses holiday pay for 2 days.

 

So, Emily Post, how does he graciously not attend? All of his "gang" so fR are going and they are all in the wedding party.

 

I'd suggested honesty is the best policy.....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The money people are expected to shell out for being in weddings these days is outrageous. I agree, honesty is the best policy.

 

Did he know it would be a destination wedding when he was asked to be a groomsman?

[lana-banana]

Wow, a destination wedding on Thanksgiving weekend? Might as well send invites that say "I only want two people to come".

 

If it's a destination wedding it's pretty much expected that some people won't show up, so I wouldn't worry about it. I would emphasize the work problem (most people understand job conflicts) and ask to take the groom out for drinks sometime.

[d0nnivain]

he should definitely fess up sooner rather than later & advise that he simply can't afford it. Perhaps they will offer to help him out. Otherwise they should let him bow out graciously.

[HarmonyDriven]

Have your son be honest.....he just cannot afford to attend, too many expenses, plus the issue of losing work pay.

 

I backed out on being a maid of honor years ago because I could not afford all the things the maid of honor does....my friend understood.

[MJJean]

Yup, honesty is best and soon! If he won't be attending they'll need to choose someone to take his place in the wedding.

[preraph]

People who expect others to go into debt to attend their wedding are overly self-indulgent and not really very nice friends. There are people who wouldn't spend that much that it costs to get there and stay there on their OWN wedding, so unless the bride and groom are prepared to pay for everyone, they really have to basis to be mad when people drop out. I just don't know but maybe one person in my life who could afford to do such a thing.

 

He should just tell him, Sorry, I can't miss work and it's too expensive.

[Bufo]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I was concerned that I (Dad) was just being reactionary to my pet peeve about fancy "destination" weddings.

 

My wife's nephew had one a few years ago. She loves to travel but passed on that one as too expensive for a short trip. Her sister, mother of the groom didn't hold it against her. But not being wedding savvy, I wasn't so sure here with son being in the wedding party.

 

I hope this wedding fad dissipates. I can't be the only one facing a social crisis in my family!

[preraph]

Each to his own, I suppose, but seems like spending so much just starting out is just foolish and unrealistic unless you are just already rich and secure that you'll stay that way.

[GunslingerRoland]

To me deciding on a destination wedding is a choice that you want a really small wedding and you are willing to accept that a lot of people won't be able to make it. I don't think they can be all that offended by it, especially if it is during thanksgiving and it comes at a ridiculous price tag.

 

Although the question would be, did he know that this was going to be a destination wedding, and did he know about it for a long time... because if he knew and opted not to save, I think there is a higher likelihood that they will be upset about it.

[d0nnivain]

A destination wedding can be cheaper for the couple. They don't have to pay to feed 100+ people at $100+ per person.

 

 

I don't care if somebody wants a destination wedding but they need to understand that it means they are going to have their attendants & their parents, maybe. To expect others to fork over airfare, hotel expenses, & give up precious vacation days is the height of self centeredness

 

 

When we got married, we shopped around for something centrally located. We offered people hotel choices to prevent drinking & driving but my bridesmaids got their dresses off Amazon for $36 & I told them to wear shoes they already owned.

[Whodatdog]

Ridiculous. Why have a destination wedding? Why not have a local wedding that everyone can attend without going bankrupt, and then have a destination honeymoon where you arent picking everyones pockets?

 

Never understood these things.

[GunslingerRoland]

Ridiculous. Why have a destination wedding? Why not have a local wedding that everyone can attend without going bankrupt, and then have a destination honeymoon where you arent picking everyones pockets?

 

Never understood these things.

 

I think a lot of people do it, because they know too many people and don't want to have to throw a wedding with 300 guests or exclude people.

 

Also it's rare where I live for both people in a couple to be born and raised here, so often having the wedding here would involve one or two families already travelling for the wedding, so in that case might as well do it as a destination wedding.

 

But overall I'd say many couples I've seen do it, have the simple selfish motivation, that it costs them the same or less to throw the wedding, plus they get the trip out of it, and it's just their guests that need to be pay more to attend.

 

There is also this other crazy thing, where people have a destination wedding and then throw a reception back home. Which I don't get at all, because the reception is the expensive part of the wedding anyway. I think a lot of people just talk themselves into them because they are fun and cool..

[preraph]

To me deciding on a destination wedding is a choice that you want a really small wedding and you are willing to accept that a lot of people won't be able to make it. I don't think they can be all that offended by it, especially if it is during thanksgiving and it comes at a ridiculous price tag.

 

Although the question would be, did he know that this was going to be a destination wedding, and did he know about it for a long time... because if he knew and opted not to save, I think there is a higher likelihood that they will be upset about it.

 

Either way, they have no grounds to be mad. Geez, that's a lot of money, and most people need a new car or to sock money away for their kids' education or need to fix plumbing a lot worse than they need to blow it like that. I do wholeheartedly agree this should just be a very small wedding party, but I think the couple should pay for any friends they insist on being there unless everyone is rich.

 

These same people who waste money like this who really can't afford it will soon be complaining about how they can't afford diapers.

[Bufo]

My wife unilaterally "solved"'this social dilemma. How? She is "lending" him some of the money for this ¥<£}€<£ trip. Explained as follows. The boys are lifelong friends. Roommates at college. The guys have all been in each others' weddings. It may be the last wedding when they get together. He feels very bad that his finances are such that going to Cabo is a hardship.....

 

All of which is true. But in my mind somewhat irrelevant.

 

I asked her whether she had considered asking me about her becoming the lender of last resort. She said she didn't think she had to since she already knew what I thought about this extravaganza and knew what my position was.

 

If my son had asked for a loan, I would have hit true roof. But dear old Mom made the offer all on her own. Just another example of marital democracy at work: in a tie vote the husband loses. Travel is one of her Five Love Languages. I learned the lesson Dorothy did--there's no place like home.

[Bufo]

My wife unilaterally "solved"'this social dilemma. How? She is "lending" him some of the money for this ¥<£}€<£ trip. Explained as follows. The boys are lifelong friends. Roommates at college. The guys have all been in each others' weddings. It may be the last wedding when they get together. He feels very bad that his finances are such that going to Cabo is a hardship.....

 

All of which is true. But in my mind somewhat irrelevant.

 

I asked her whether she had considered asking me about her becoming the lender of last resort. She said she didn't think she had to since she already knew what I thought about this extravaganza and knew what my position was.

 

If my son had asked for a loan, I would have hit the roof. But dear old Mom made the offer all on her own. Just another example of marital democracy at work: in a tie vote the husband loses. Travel is one of her Five Love Languages. I learned the lesson Dorothy did--there's no place like home.

[d0nnivain]

Don't be too hard on his mom. Her heart was in the right place. On your deathbed, the money won't matter; knowing your son spent time with his buddies & was there to support them, that will matter. Assuming the basics are covered (food shelter etc.) material possessions don't add to happiness but experiences do.