Wanting a Relationship for the First Time

[4455]

Hi everyone,

 

Basically, about 6/7 months ago, I had a friends with benefits/f-buddy/friendship/pseudo-relationship end after a little over a year of us seeing each other on and off. We were close on an emotional/friendship level as well, but he was clear that this would never be a real relationship as it wasn’t what he wanted then. Prior to meeting him, I had always been this person too. Never got attached to guys, ran away at the first sign of any intimacy-I’d had boyfriends, but only for a couple months when I was younger and people I’d dated who were in my life for longer were usually hookup situations, mostly decided by me. Sure I’d been infatuated before but never truly in love with someone other than high school, which I’m not sure counts. Had one 4 month relationship at 21 and that’s about it. So I tricked myself into believing this was the arrangement I wanted, as I’d always had it before and liked it, even though I knew I’d been hit very hard and this was completely different (I was 26 when we met two years ago, he was 25). Will spare you all of the specific details, but after a lot of back and forth, weird FWB codependency, amazing sex, “ending things” a bunch of times, eventually, he decided to get into an actual relationship with another girl. Yes I was totally bummed when it happened and wished I had been honest with him and myself about my feelings/more open, etc. I obsessed and all of that good stuff, but knew I couldn’t be angry as I agreed to the type of relationship that it was (way more rational today than I was then of course).

 

So at this point, I’m more or less past the phase of being sad about them being together (they still are), and more realizing that now for the first time (I’m now 28), I DO want a real relationship. It takes a lot for me to have feelings for someone, and I’m scared I never will again. I think I also immediately act flirty/sarcastic/sexual with guys since that’s what I’m used to, and sabotage things before they begin. I’m also frustrated because I used to never care about a boyfriend, marriage or kids, but this whole experience, which is probably the closest I’ve had to an adult relationship (although it was seriously flawed), has made me feel I now want that. Just not sure how to get it, totally lacking in experience with the two year/buying toilet paper together type relationship most of my friends have had at this point. A little anxious about it and just curious if people have been through similar things. I still think about him a lot and I know it's just because I wanted that with him.

 

Thanks guys

[Steve51]

Met a girl at 15, went steady, got engaged at 18 and she cheated on me the first few months I was overseas in combat. The girlfriend after her moved in with me. We were together for a year. I never felt in love with her but wanted to take it up to the next level when she walked in and asked me and my three friends to gang bang her. True story.

 

The next women I met was a virgin at 20 and not the type of girl I usually dated. We got engaged in 3 weeks and have been married for 45 years. After no success it was love at first sight for both of us even though we had nothing in common. She is 4' 11" and I am 6' tall. I am more on the intellectual side while she attended a trade school.

 

Don't give up hope. My ex fiancee finally found out what she was missing with me. She is married to a woman. The second one became a prostitute hooked on crack and then when she cleaned up, became a stripper. She married her best lapdance customer who was twice her age for his money.

 

Now when I look back on my life, breaking up with those two girls were the best things that ever happened to me. Did not seem so at the time but after 45 wonderful years with my wife I am not even upset that I could not seem to keep a relationship with anyone before her.

[Mysterio]

Steve 51. I an happy for your Marriage. I keep saying here that I think a lot of us are going to go through many people before we settle down. I have friends and ex classmates that got married early and are not coming apart.

 

I have not had anything steady except for 5 months with my ex gf-DD in 2012. We are still friends. I think for my life. I am meant to have it later. I would have liked it around more 36ish than 46 is if and when it happens for me. I just don't like the thought of being a older father.

 

At most my timeline with my mortality would be 87 to 97. If I get involved with a woman now. How can I say I don't want a child. I am most likley going to have to have one. Unless I get a Vasectomy. I don't even know if thats possible as I am on the fence with that.

[preraph]

Well, since you can't wave a wand and just magically make it happen tomorrow anyway, I would just advise that you not get yourself in a big twist to make it happen but instead slow yourself down first and strip yourself back to the basics and spend some time with yourself and not have a casual fling and just see how you do withing that excitement. Prove to yourself that you can be on your own and be happy and that's taking it down to your foundation, in a way, and then build on that slowly to see what new level of relationship you can handle or want to pursue or if you just keep getting drug back into the fwb type stuff.

 

Build interest and value in your life (and thus yourself) by taking up new activities and hobbies and interests. Maybe volunteer doing something, some rescue or helping kids or elders. Branch out a little and new things and new people will come your way. You can't take two old fwbs and expect to make one solid union, I don't think. So start fresh. Make changes toward growth, and Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

It actually is as simple as deciding you want a relationship. You have had these FWB situations so you have the skills to attract a partner into your life. Use them. Where as before you said you didn't want anything serious & you tumbled into bed quickly because that was the primary goal, this time, take some time to screen the other person, to get to know him & make sure you can relate outside the bedroom.

 

I was a female player in college. I don't think I had too many relationships that made it past the 6 week mark. Any terms like GF or talk of the future sent me running.

 

Post college I took the attitude that the candy store was closed & it was time for me to pick a guy & settle down. I became a serial monogamist having longer relationships but just as much fun with one guy at a time. I squandered my child bearing years living with a guy who didn't want to marry me for 10 years but that is another story.

 

My point is that now that you have made the choice to get serious, all you have to do is screen the men in your orbit that you meet differently. Instead of looking solely at how much fun he'll be in bed on Saturday night, figure out if you will have something to talk about in the light of day on Sunday afternoon.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened. It hurts regardless. It sounds like you are coping as best you can.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and you probably had a 'relationship' to all intents and purposes until he asserted his independence which was part of the arrangement all along. It would have come as a shock though because the feelings are still there regardless of what relationship label there is. Feelings have a life of their own; they don't fit into FWB arrangements or any arrangements for that matter.

 

From what you said, you are now in a place where you could seek the relationship you want. The only thing that strikes me is that you need to look carefully at how you react naturally at first with guys - flirty, cynical, etc. might not be sending out the right signals. It suggests, casual, fun, not taking anything seriously. You really need to know why you are sending out these signals, almost as if you feel you don't deserve anything more than FWB. If you are looking for a genuine and serious relationship, that might not be the best way to start. I would look at that, maybe with a therapist if you feel it is appropriate. Once you start off on the right foot, you should be in a good position to take things forward on the grounds that you really want, not just the limited relationship you felt you could have before.

 

In short, there is nothing stopping you from going for what you want, just make sure you don't repeat the same patterns from the start. Good luck!