I Came So Close: Confusion in the Aftermath [UPDATE]

[TheBathWater]

Long story short (as short as I am able to keep it)...

 

I started seeing an engaged woman one year ago who, at the time, was trying an open relationship arrangement with her fiancé. I was her only partner beside him during this experiment.

 

We really hit it off. Things got too intense though after a few months, and we decided neither of us could be non-monogamous. We ended things and she and her fiancé resumed a normal monogamous relationship with each other.

 

Several months later, we were back in contact and this time her fiancé didn't know. We got back together, so at this point it was an affair. Because he does so much traveling for work, she basically lived with me for 90% of the affair.

 

Things started getting intense again. She felt really guilty because of the affair. She says she loves him, but she's "in love" with me. They're more like roommates and friends than they are romantic partners, and she had been complaining to him that she wasn't happy. She often told me she was more in love with me than anyone she'd ever loved before, and that she could envision a future with me, complete with marriage and kids

 

She knew it was only a matter of time before she had to stop seeing me because the guilt was overwhelming her and she decided she needed to come clean to her fiancé and figure herself out properly - to "do things the right way." So we stopped seeing each other recently, she confessed everything to him (strangely, he wasn't angry), and she's going to try giving it a fair shot with him since they have a history together. But she's not certain what the outcome will be. She knows she wants to live a more honest life, be genuine, and figure herself out in therapy. She says at least if she and I do start a future together that she will feel much better about it having taken this path, and I agree. The idea of 'jumping ship' probably wouldn't bode well as a more sincere path such as this.

 

She says she would like to do things the right way and contact me in several months (we set a six month deadline) when she can speak more clearly to what she intends to do. She maintains her comment about a potential future with me, and she wants to have kids within the next couple of years, so it's pretty much make or break.

 

So, I'm basically waiting for the rest of 2017 and sorting my own stuff out until she contacts me with what's going on. It's really hard for me to be with other women right now, and I plan on waiting at least until I know what her deal is before I move on and think about other women.

 

What do you think our chances are? I know it's anybody's guess, and a lot depends on her and the fiancé's working things out, but she has been saying for a while she hasn't felt like it's the kind of relationship she wants with him and now that she's a little older she feels something really special with me.

[Lobouspo]

Long story short (as short as I am able to keep it)...

 

I started seeing an engaged woman one year ago who, at the time, was trying an open relationship arrangement with her fiancé. I was her only partner beside him during this experiment.

 

We really hit it off. Things got too intense though after a few months, and we decided neither of us could be non-monogamous. We ended things and she and her fiancé resumed a normal monogamous relationship with each other.

 

Several months later, we were back in contact and this time her fiancé didn't know. We got back together, so at this point it was an affair. Because he does so much traveling for work, she basically lived with me for 90% of the affair.

 

Things started getting intense again. She felt really guilty because of the affair. She says she loves him, but she's "in love" with me. They're more like roommates and friends than they are romantic partners, and she had been complaining to him that she wasn't happy. She often told me she was more in love with me than anyone she'd ever loved before, and that she could envision a future with me, complete with marriage and kids

 

She knew it was only a matter of time before she had to stop seeing me because the guilt was overwhelming her and she decided she needed to come clean to her fiancé and figure herself out properly - to "do things the right way." So we stopped seeing each other recently, she confessed everything to him (strangely, he wasn't angry), and she's going to try giving it a fair shot with him since they have a history together. But she's not certain what the outcome will be. She knows she wants to live a more honest life, be genuine, and figure herself out in therapy. She says at least if she and I do start a future together that she will feel much better about it having taken this path, and I agree. The idea of 'jumping ship' probably wouldn't bode well as a more sincere path such as this.

 

She says she would like to do things the right way and contact me in several months (we set a six month deadline) when she can speak more clearly to what she intends to do. She maintains her comment about a potential future with me, and she wants to have kids within the next couple of years, so it's pretty much make or break.

 

So, I'm basically waiting for the rest of 2017 and sorting my own stuff out until she contacts me with what's going on. It's really hard for me to be with other women right now, and I plan on waiting at least until I know what her deal is before I move on and think about other women.

 

What do you think our chances are? I know it's anybody's guess, and a lot depends on her and the fiancé's working things out, but she has been saying for a while she hasn't felt like it's the kind of relationship she wants with him and now that she's a little older she feels something really special with me.

Lol....they all say that. Focus on actions, not words. Is she taking concrete steps to end the relationship with her SO? Doesn't sound like it to me. Oh also, before you start buying in to her ego inflating comments about how great you are. I encourage you to go through threads in this category and just see how affairs hurt the OM/OW. BTW, will you ever be able to trust this woman? What makes you think she won't get bored with you and find another guy when the spark isn't there with you anymore

[Daisydooks]

Her reconciliation and honesty is bs. That's what I make it out to be.

 

How is she reconciling with this man, while also giving you a 6 month "I'll call you, don't call me," deadline?

 

My guess is you should block her number so when she calls, or messages, you have no idea about it and move on, like you should be

 

She is being selectively honest if you can call anything she has said "honest." Have you spoken to him? Do you actually know she told him at all? Or has she just said she told him the truth and that he didn't freak out? You trust this statement? If so, why? I don't believe anything she has said. Not a word of it. I am not in love with her though so I can see that clearly. I do not for one second believe for her husband knows anything about any of this. If anything he may have become suspicious which is why she has asked you to back off for six months while things calm down at home

[jenkins95]

I'd step away TTB, difficult though I know that is.

 

At best she seems very immature and prone to change her mind about things. You may be flavour of the month one minute, but who's to say she won't change her mind about this a few months or years down the line. She comes across as a thrill seeker, excitement addict. You are the thrill at the moment, but will you still be in five years?

 

I feel very sorry for her fiancé. Not even married and already all this cheating and deception as she's already used the ILYBINILWY line, albeit behind his back in a second hand way to you.

 

Lots of risk, many red flags and potential heartbreak and devastation. I would proceed very cautiously. I would hey out as soon as you can.

 

But whatever you decide, best of luck.

[somanymistakes]

During their 'open' period, did you meet and get to know the other guy, at least a little? Being at least POLITE to each other is pretty standard in poly circles IMO. While there are couples that legitimately practice don't-ask-don't-tell, this is frowned on by most poly people because it has too many possibilities for trouble.

 

If you did not meet him and have only her word that they were open during that time, that's a big red flag.

 

Your chances are much better if you did meet him and everything was on the up-and-up, and if he was also experimenting during that time period. The reason I say this is that if he's pretty comfortable with you and with non-traditional relationships, he's probably not all that shocked by the idea of her still wanting to work things out with you, even if disappointed by her inability to be honest about it.

 

This woman likes you a lot. She also likes her other boyfriend. If you were all three willing to settle into some long-term poly arrangement, I'd say your chances were good. However, if you're pulling for "me, only me, marriage and kids and the whole nine yards" then your chances are... not good at all, really.

 

She already picked somebody she wants the stability of marriage and kids with. She's hesitating, because she likes you too, but there's a strong possibility that what she wants is the exciting part of the relationship with you, and not the other part.

 

And if she does drop him for you, because you're the new shiny thing and more exciting than the familiar thing, it's probably not that long before you get dropped for the next in turn.

 

Why did you decide you couldn't do non-monogamy? That reasoning may also affect what can happen here.

[whichwayisup]

She's playing you. Not maliciously but selfishly.

 

This woman is NOT married yet, she's engaged. If the guy she's with now isn't the love of her life nothing is stopping her from ending her engagement with him and being with you full time.

 

RUN. She is where she wants to be.

[TheBathWater]

During their 'open' period, did you meet and get to know the other guy, at least a little? Being at least POLITE to each other is pretty standard in poly circles IMO. While there are couples that legitimately practice don't-ask-don't-tell, this is frowned on by most poly people because it has too many possibilities for trouble.

 

If you did not meet him and have only her word that they were open during that time, that's a big red flag.

 

Your chances are much better if you did meet him and everything was on the up-and-up, and if he was also experimenting during that time period. The reason I say this is that if he's pretty comfortable with you and with non-traditional relationships, he's probably not all that shocked by the idea of her still wanting to work things out with you, even if disappointed by her inability to be honest about it.

 

This woman likes you a lot. She also likes her other boyfriend. If you were all three willing to settle into some long-term poly arrangement, I'd say your chances were good. However, if you're pulling for "me, only me, marriage and kids and the whole nine yards" then your chances are... not good at all, really.

 

She already picked somebody she wants the stability of marriage and kids with. She's hesitating, because she likes you too, but there's a strong possibility that what she wants is the exciting part of the relationship with you, and not the other part.

 

And if she does drop him for you, because you're the new shiny thing and more exciting than the familiar thing, it's probably not that long before you get dropped for the next in turn.

 

Why did you decide you couldn't do non-monogamy? That reasoning may also affect what can happen here.

 

I wanted to meet him but he didn't feel the same. I have confirmation though that he knew, and he was also meeting other women at the time.

 

She just wants what's best for her and wants to give things due process, so she's trying hard with him since they have a history together. Even if they work things outfit a bit she's not convinced yet on him. She can't be convinced on me either until she figures herself out, but she does love me a lot.

[BTDT2012]

I wanted to meet him but he didn't feel the same. I have confirmation though that he knew, and he was also meeting other women at the time.

 

She just wants what's best for her and wants to give things due process, so she's trying hard with him since they have a history together. Even if they work things outfit a bit she's not convinced yet on him. She can't be convinced on me either until she figures herself out, but she does love me a lot.

 

She loves herself. She has shown you who she is. Believe it. She isn't married, there is nothing stopping her from being with you. Live your life fully, not in a holding pattern, waiting for her.

[TheBathWater]

Why did you decide you couldn't do non-monogamy? That reasoning may also affect what can happen here.

 

For me, I have done my time casually dating and trying open relationships, and I've come to appreciate the role of sacrifice in monogamy. I saw non-monogamy as a way to meet more of my needs that one person couldn't possibly fulfill, but I feel it created more problems than it did benefit, and I'm okay with being with just one person...even if it means at times not feeling completely fulfilled.

 

Her reasons are similar. She has said that she gets too emotionally involved with a partner, does not want them seeing other people, that she finds monogamy simpler and easier, and that if she wants to be a mom than she doesn't want interference/threat to the family.

 

As a side note, this time around she initially planned to continue seeing me as long as she could, but she got too attached and found herself constantly thinking of me when she was with him. It made her feel incredibly guilty and she decided she couldn't keep up the secrets anymore. She wanted to come clean and get into therapy to sort herself out before she can really be with anybody.

[anika99]

Good grief, what is attractive about a woman who would cheat on a guy she isn't even married to? Most cheaters have the built in excuses of not being able to leave because of children, finances, etc. Your taken woman has none of that, she's just selfish and wants both of you.

 

Also amazing how people who get involved with people who are already in a relationship twist up their thinking to believe whatever the cheater tells them. She says she feels something special with you? How special can you feel when she has also decided to put you on hold while she tries to save her relationship with her first choice, her fiancé. Do you really feel special being relegated to wait in the wings as her fall back guy in case her relationship with her fiancé can't be saved?

 

I think both you and her fiancé are being made into fools. She says she wants to give things a fair shot with her fiancé but since she told you to wait six months she is already not giving her relationship a fair shot. And she has you agreeing to just patiently wait to see if she will pick you after 6 months. Ridiculous.

 

If she does want to be with you after 6 months then she will use this time to properly and fully break up with her fiancé right now and then spend the next six months healing from that breakup and getting her act together. It would be pretty slimy of her to string her fiancé along for the next 6 months only to suddenly ditch him for you.

[Lady2163]

I'm an ex-OW and I never really allowed myself to love the MM.

 

I've had a couple, well, several abusive relationships (MM wasn't one of them).

 

The thing is, after multiple breakups and makeups with the last abuser, I realized it just wasn't possible for him to treat me right. Narcissist is thrown around freely on this board, but he really was one. Everyone else in his life would tell you how kind, generous, smart, loyal and funny that last abuser was/is. Who knows? You may even work or know this guy.

 

Yet, only his ex-wife (happened years before I met him) and I really know what a bastard he is.

 

He just had me slotted into a position of girlfriend he wasn't willing to make an effort for and who would accept the very least he had to offer. It is really tough to break that pattern, that mindset.

 

And this (in my opinion only) is why a lot of affairs don't work when they get a chance.

 

When a man or woman only offers you the very least and you accept that, they have a tough time bringing you fully into their lives.

 

One night, I had a very vivid dream long after we were finished. MM is somehow free, wife has left him for another man, he's fine with it, she hasn't bankrupted him, his kids are accepting that and everyone is happy and healthy. He wants to be with me, he wants me in his life. Only he wants to wait one year, just to keep things "respectable".

 

We have a fantastic year together. Lots of sex and overnight stays, a few weekend trips away from everyone. We are still a secret. One year comes and goes. 13 months, 14 months. We are talking of marriage, but still not open. I haven't met his kids yet. I'm not included in family things - but exw and new husband are.

 

It finally dawns on me, that he is never going to look at me truly as wife material. I'm always going to be that woman who was willing to bang him while he was married to someone else, I'm always going to be flawed.

 

It was an intense dream full of a lot of varying emotions.

 

Even if you want it, even if it is perfect for your lifestyle (right now), being in a secret relationship, is a way of shortchanging yourself. It is a way of never having to commit, to never be truly close to someone, to never have to deal with day to day drudgery.

 

What this woman has done is to keep you on the hook, keep you in orbit, keep you as a backup plan for the next six months. You're a failsafe for her.

 

You're not really making any decisions about your future. She is. You don't get to start healing and moving on from the relationship for...six months. Your life is in limbo until she makes her decision. Meanwhile, she is living her life.

[TheBathWater]

What this woman has done is to keep you on the hook, keep you in orbit, keep you as a backup plan for the next six months. You're a failsafe for her.

 

You're not really making any decisions about your future. She is. You don't get to start healing and moving on from the relationship for...six months. Your life is in limbo until she makes her decision. Meanwhile, she is living her life.

 

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I'm sorry to hear about your past experience as an OW. I do understand narcissism quite well and believe what you are telling me.

 

To give some clarity, my engaged woman never suggested to me that I put my dating life on hold for six months, but she did say that was the amount of time she wanted to give her relationship before pulling the plug on it. In fact, she did say that she would be okay with me dating other women during this six month period (although she doesn't like the idea). She feels that she has to risk knowing she may not get me back, because she doesn't want the knowledge of me as backup to be a deciding factor for her to exit. If she exits, she wants it to be completely at her own will because it's what she wants to do. She plans to do both individual and couples therapy as part of the six month process.

 

The decision to not see anyone for the next six months is my own. For one, I have had a really crazy year between seeing her and various other women during the same period. Even if I didn't wait the six month period, it would probably take me at least a few months (maybe more) to heal from what I just ended with her. I figure why not wait it out the full ride at that point. I mean, if someone unexpectedly shows up in my life and seems way too good to pass up, I'm not going to hold out. But the odds of that happening are probably low. So in the meantime, I'm sorting myself out to try and understand why I got involved in this mess to begin with. She will be in touch with me again at some point, and if when she is she tells me she is single, I will absolutely pursue her again.

[somanymistakes]

Her reasons are similar. She has said that she gets too emotionally involved with a partner, does not want them seeing other people, that she finds monogamy simpler and easier, and that if she wants to be a mom than she doesn't want interference/threat to the family.

 

And yet, she decided to cheat with you, because it was easy and convenient for her. It seems like she wants to be jealous and possessive, but she doesn't want to inconvenience herself by sticking to one relationship. Maybe she's aware that this is unfair of her, or maybe she's just saying that.

 

If she really wants to sort herself out the best thing IMO would be for her to break up with both of you before she does her soul-searching. But she won't, because she doesn't want to give up her comforts...

 

I'm reminded of a thread we had on here several months back, I can't remember who the poster was, but he was the OM to a girl who I think was originally his coworker, and she KEPT bouncing back and forth between him and her fiance, and both guys were aware of the problem and exasperated by it and even talked to each other to commiserate sometimes, but neither was willing to actually give the girl up, and she kept this mess going for years...

 

edit: aha, it was this thread I was thinking of: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/618973-trying-understand-what-happened-mayhem-i-just-went-thru

Edited June 12, 2017 by somanymistakes
adding link

[TheBathWater]

And yet, she decided to cheat with you, because it was easy and convenient for her. It seems like she wants to be jealous and possessive, but she doesn't want to inconvenience herself by sticking to one relationship. Maybe she's aware that this is unfair of her, or maybe she's just saying that.

 

If she really wants to sort herself out the best thing IMO would be for her to break up with both of you before she does her soul-searching. But she won't, because she doesn't want to give up her comforts...

 

Yeah, I'll agree with you on the not wanting to give up her comforts thing.

 

I don't believe the relationship between the two of them is going to work out, and if it does survive, it will be dead while they remain 'together' (this is how it's been with them for several years now). They make good friends, but I don't think they're compatible as romantic partners long-term.

 

I'm not convinced that she and I will be together though. It's a very different relationship with me. She often says that being with me is much more risky than being with him "because there is more to gain with you [love, fulfillment, connection] and so therefore more to lose with you." At least with him, it's safe, albeit unfulfilling. If she is going to choose to be with me, she's going to sign up for another relationship that has pros and cons. I've told her before that she'll be trading the kind of problems she has in her current relationship for the kind of problems we'll have in our relationship (including our own likelihood of needing couples therapy to come to terms with how we formed a relationship). I guess it's matter of not only love, but what kind of problems she's willing to have to fulfill her goals and values in love and life.

 

She claims she has never cheated before and that this is all very distressing for her, but that it has been the breaking point that she's needed for a while to go to therapy and work on herself. I do believe she will be okay in the long run, whether she's with me or not. Of course, I would love to be with her more than anything, but I'm not betting on it in the meantime.

[Origin]

I'm reminded of a thread we had on here several months back, I can't remember who the poster was, but he was the OM to a girl who I think was originally his coworker, and she KEPT bouncing back and forth between him and her fiance, and both guys were aware of the problem and exasperated by it and even talked to each other to commiserate sometimes, but neither was willing to actually give the girl up, and she kept this mess going for years...

 

edit: aha, it was this thread I was thinking of: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/618973-trying-understand-what-happened-mayhem-i-just-went-thru

 

Lol dude. Just as I was reading your story and thinking how incredibly similar it is to mine, and was getting ready to comment somebody post this and I'm like "hey that's my story!!!" Haha talk about tripping out.

 

Listen man, best thing to do will be to run and never look back. Now I know you won't do that because I was you, not that long ago and I kept buying her story and excuses for 2 years. The beginning, while she was still engaged sounds so similar to what you wrote. She even also told me one time she wants to give her relationship a chance for 90 days and then she will leave him....listen man....it's all fake and it won't ever happen.

 

You put your life on hold for next 6 months but unless you truly let go of her any girl you meet will always feel like a "temporary thing" until she calls you. You'll be waiting on that call until it comes and then drop everybody for her, I know, I did. The problem is she will never leave her fiancé and even if she gets caught she will try and repair it. She's just selfish, not on purpose, but selfish nonetheless. It's all about her feelings regardless who's feelings she destroys while they in her tornado.

 

I know it's an extremely difficult situation, decisions, wanting for her to finally "see the truth" and be with you but brother....it will never happen in the capacity you want and you will get hurt if your guard is not up.

 

I know my story is long as hell, read it, I guarantee you'll experience similar things on the road that's waiting for you if you stay in connection with this girl.

 

Good luck.

[TheBathWater]

Just a quick update...

 

I reached out to her earlier this week. It was just supposed to be "a friendly dinner," but it led to sex and her coming back to basically live with me for the rest of the week, just like before. Even though she already confessed to her fiancé and told him it wouldn't happen again, she came back to me. Neither of us felt good about it, but it really is like an addiction and we have a difficult time staying away from each other.

 

I did tell her I wasn't going to wait six months, or even three months, and that if she was wanting to work on her relationship with him then she had already made her choice of who to be with. If she really wanted to be with me, she would. Her argument is that I am the one she loves more and really wants to be with, but that it's not just a matter of jumping from him to me...it's a matter of telling family and friends what has happened, a matter of letting go of her life as she's known it for 10 years, a matter of being with me and knowing herself "in a new way" which both excites and scares her. I kept telling her I believed she had stronger feelings for me, but that I also believed she wouldn't follow through and actually leave him for me. She didn't really say anything to this, but that she wouldn't leave me hanging for months - that she would make a move in one direction or another soon. She even went to a therapist this week to try and figure stuff out, and she came out telling me how she talked about me/us the whole time and how much she wants to be with me but that it's complicated.

 

They are supposed to relocate to the west coast in a month or two, and they have a group vacation planned in Europe in August. I don't see her backing out of those plans. She loves to travel, she wants to live on the west coast, and she doesn't want to deal with coming out to friends and family about what's happened. I just don't think she's going to do it. I really don't.

 

Since it's the weekend and he is coming home, we don't see each other on weekends. She told me she would see me Sunday night, but then just hours after I dropped her off, she shifts on me. We were texting and I thought we were having a warm conversation, but then she suddenly texted me and said Sunday might be up in the air because she is going to tell her fiancé that we've been meeting up again and see how that goes.

 

So I'm pretty fed up at this point. I don't want to wait six months or even several months. I don't know if I want to wait at all. That just doesn't seem to work out from what I read around here. Naturally, the less you see someone, the less of a relationship you have with them. What's the point of putting my life on hold only to get a rejection letter down the road?

 

Furthermore, I'm feeling purely exhausted by all of this. When I'm with her, we only sleep 3-5 hours per night because of all the running around she does to keep up the lie (going home to FaceTime with him) and then we need time for us. My professional life is suffering as a result. My diet is less healthy when I'm with her and I don't go to the gym half as much. People are telling me I look like I'm losing muscle/weight. I'm just not well.

 

Finally, I know of two single and attractive women who want a serious relationship with me. My heart is not exactly open right now to being with anyone else, but if I don't cut off the affair soon and give myself some space to heal, I'll be putting my life on hold. I would like to marry and have a family over the next few years.

 

So I guess I'm waiting until tomorrow to see what happens. I don't want to pressure her to make a decision, but I do feel like I need to pressure myself to decide. And I've decided I'm not waiting six months. I want to live my life and start healing sooner than later. I wish I could tell you I'll end it Sunday if she says anything less than "I told him I'm leaving him" but I just don't know if I'm there yet. I'm getting closer though. I can't keep living like this.

 

Thank you all for your support.

[anika99]

What she is doing to you and her husband is so cruel and so selfish. Why are you pining for a woman of such low character. On the one hand you think you are so special to her and that her love for you is so deep, on the other hand you don't believe she finds you worthy enough to sacrafice her fun August holiday to be with you. How shallow. You have also witnessed first hand the great lengths she will go to to deceive and manipulate the people she claims she cares about. Leaving you part way through the night so she can go FaceTime her fiancé. You would be very foolish to believe that she doesn't also manipulate and deceive you the same. How could you ever a trust a woman you have seen behaving in such a way?

 

You need to rip the bandaid off this affair. Know it's going to hurt but also know that the only way out is to take the pain so that you can begin to heal and move on. This is a life lesson and the sooner you learn the lesson the sooner you can move onto the next chapter.

[elaine567]

Her argument is that I am the one she loves more and really wants to be with, but that it's not just a matter of jumping from him to me..

 

Er... yes it is.

People do it all the time.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Aw Tuna, chances are slim and nil and slim just left town.

 

This woman is stringing you along. Heck, she's not even married so the tie to her fiancé would be easier to break than a marriage vow.

 

You're already putting your life on hold. As painful as it will be, let her go. YOU need to make the decision, not her. She's already made hers. So sorry...

[Birdies]

I was in a very similar position to your girl, after my affair came to light. My OM was already divorced and I was trying to figure out whether or not to try to make my marriage work following DDay (as was my husband) or start over with OM. I can tell you this, I would NOT have been planning on going on vacation with my husband and certainly not moving away with him, if I had any inclination of leaving the marriage. I mean sure, their marriage might fail down the line and she's hoping to have you as a backup plan - but she is not showing any clues that she will make the hard decisions necessary to be with you. (I ended up leaving my marriage to a good man who loved me and it was terribly hard - and of course terribly unfair to him, etc - and I know it's nothing to trivialize. She's right that it's difficult, not least of which because you're hurting the person you are supposed to love and protect the most in the world. That is incredibly horrible to do But it seems like she's unwilling to take those difficult steps.)

 

But yeah. You are Plan B. Its often what happens when you have an affair with a married person. I'd try to cut the cord and date someone who is willing and excited to be all in with you.

[Overtaxed]

Er... yes it is.

People do it all the time.

 

Yup, pretty much is in fact that simple. Go home, tell husband/wife you want a D, pack a bag, move out. Takes about 2 hours.

[somanymistakes]

But who would want to date someone that mercurial?

 

I don't know, I've never been married but my breakups have always involved, at a minimum, weeks of arguing and back-and-forth over it. Surely leaving someone you've made commitments to is even harder.

[TheBathWater]

Aw Tuna, chances are slim and nil and slim just left town.

 

This woman is stringing you along. Heck, she's not even married so the tie to her fiancé would be easier to break than a marriage vow.

 

You're already putting your life on hold. As painful as it will be, let her go. YOU need to make the decision, not her. She's already made hers. So sorry...

 

One argument she recently made is "how would you feel if I left him next week for you? I worry if I did that you would see it as cheap that I'd jump from one relationship to another."

 

But my thinking is that she is already in essence in the relationship with me! She lives with me five days a week and we act like a couple. Sure, I don't feel good saying that this was how our relationship was born, but I'd rather have that and then us deal with moving on from that together than us living on opposite sides of the country while she "figures her engagement out" and then "maybe" we get back together. Puh-lease! And at least we met originally within the context of an open relationship and it evolved into an affair much longer after that. Yeah, it's been messy, but I believe we could both deal with it if we really wanted to. Apparently though I'm the only one who is truly willing.

 

If she wants to work on her relationship with him, move away with him, go on vacation with him, etc... then you're right, she has made her decision. I'm still not quite at the point where I'm ready to cut all ties just yet, but I do feel it's getting closer to that point for me. This is just no way to live.

[TheBathWater]

But who would want to date someone that mercurial?

 

I don't know, I've never been married but my breakups have always involved, at a minimum, weeks of arguing and back-and-forth over it. Surely leaving someone you've made commitments to is even harder.

 

Exactly. It is never a clean break. It's messy. She has definitely been telling him about me/us and he is not happy, but strangely, he is not bringing it up much or getting angry about it because he'd rather be with her than lose her. So strange. If I were him, I'd be fumed and tell her that it's either over with the affair guy or it's over with me. He's not a bad guy at all, but he seems like a huge pushover to me and he lets her get away with whatever she wants. I believe this is part of why she stays with him. It's just easier to run around behind someone's back and feel guilty/bad about it but keep doing it anyway than it is to actually make a decision and stick to it. I mean, I know it's far more complicated than that for her, but if he wasn't such a piece of putty in her hands than she wouldn't be allowed to keep doing this. My fear is that I'm becoming exactly like him, allowing her to do whatever she wants. And I know I just can't live that way.

[TheBathWater]

So another update... and I suspect this will be the final one...

 

She emailed me to say she's taking a one month break from both me and her fiancé, so she will be No Contact with the both of us while she "figures out what she needs," although she is going to talk to him in a couple of weeks for a check-in while she continues to be NC with me. She told me she would be in touch in about a month and that I can do whatever I want at this point (including moving on if I want to), and that she would understand. She then said her gut was telling her she would probably end up deciding to just be alone for a long time and possibly relocate back home to be near family while she continues to work on herself. But then when she forwarded me the email she sent to a prospective therapist to show me she was arranging for treatment, her email to the therapist said she was currently planning to relocate with her fiancé in a couple of months across the country. Looks like she tried to conceal the answer to me in her first email but there it is. She didn't seem all too sensitive to my feelings either in her emails to me. Somehow, I'm even the bad one in all of this to her. I'm glad she's going through with the inner work she needs to do, but I do feel quite abandoned, disregarded, tossed away, etc...

 

So yeah, I think it's pretty much done. I'm betting she'll message me after the month period is up to tell me where she is going to relocate and/or that she still needs time to figure stuff out. She has always maintained control over both relationships by keeping everything in a state of suspension, so I'm anticipating more of the same at best, and at worst she'll send me the official rejection letter. Maybe she'll leave both relationships and relocate back home, but I have a feeling that it's just going to be therapy and back to her fiancé when all is said and done, and the OM will be left in the dust. Ain't that the way it goes?

 

Well, thanks for all the support guys. It's been quite a ride.

Edited June 19, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine