I Came So Close: Confusion in the Aftermath [UPDATE]

[somanymistakes]

Good luck. I hope you find some clarity.

[lana-banana]

Not to be cynical, but I would bet a fair amount that this ends with her doing some kind of vague future-faking and OP will be left waiting, again. Unless she provides actual concrete evidence that she's made some kind of change---not just "oh, I told my friends about you, I promise" or "oh, we'll definitely be together once I'm ready", you should assume nothing is different.

Edited July 27, 2017 by lana-banana

[TheBathWater]

Well, we met up last night. I thought I would leave a post here to update everyone on what happened, as well as write something as a way of facilitating closure for myself.

 

First, I want to say how incredibly wise everyone on this section of LS is. I cannot even begin to tell you how much clarity and support I feel I earned from all of you while going through this very difficult time largely on my own. It would have been so much harder without all of you.

 

I knew going into last night's meeting with her that I needed nothing short of absolute certainty that she wanted to be with me, and if that couldn't be given then I was done. Like I've said, I can't keep living my life on pause. It's been a year on/off of this, and I can't do it anymore.

 

She wrote a letter to me and read it aloud, explaining how I've given her the gift of transformation by helping her get into therapy, leave an unhappy engagement, and show her love in ways she never knew existed. She said she was working with her therapist to find a way to tell her ex fiancé the truth that she was having an affair with me for a third time leading up to her decision to split from him. She said she knew she ultimately had to end the friendship with him at some point in order to move on, but she couldn't do it just yet. Regarding us, she said that she knew she needed to be alone right now and couldn't be with me or anyone else. She also expressed doubts about us because of the inevitable trust issues that stem from how our relationship began, and that this was a major force in determining her inability to be with me right now.

 

I told her I was happy for her that she knew what she needed to do, and that what I needed to do was completely cut her out of my life (i.e. block her through all forms of contact permanently). She alluded to potentially getting in touch in a few months when she's more centered, but I told her I couldn't leave that option open in my mind because it would prevent me from moving on. I also felt certain that given her doubts after a whole year of doing this on/off that if she's not sold on me by now she never will be. I told all of this to her.

 

It seemed like this was the best place to end it and say goodbye, but we decided to go back to her place for a beer and to use the bathroom, which means we're going to have sex. Strangely, this was the first and last time we'd ever have sex while she is single. We f**ked so hard against the living room wall we actually put a 3 foot hole in the wall! After she came while I was going down on her, she burst into tears and begged me to sleep next to her for the night. This is where things got really messy.

 

We went back to my place to spend the night there and basically cycled through bouts of anger/fighting, talking rationally, holding each other, affirming that we're doing the right thing by ending it, etc... I mean, I can't even tell you how crazy the both of us looked. I've never seen either of us give facial expressions like this. We kept reminding each other that this was normal, because this is a breakup and breakups are intense. We made love for a second time, and then we finally went to bed around 6:00 am for a couple of hours.

 

I walked her to the train stop this morning for her commute to work on less than two hours of sleep. She told me that at several points last night, she thought about saying "f**k it, let's go for it," but her and I both knew that if she would have announced that it would have been a fleeting feeling. This really is in both of our best interest to break it off. She kept saying that she would really like to contact me in a few months and date; that she did see a possible future between us, just not right now. I'm sure she was being sincere, but to me, it seemed like a setup for repeating the same old same old. I told her that she can do what she wants, but that I can't allow myself to expect that from her and I'm really going to treat this as if she's removed from my life forever. I also think if she did want to "date" me in a few months like she said she does it still wouldn't be a full on commitment, just another "let's see how this goes because I'm unsure" arrangement. I wouldn't be willing to replay any of this ambivalence dynamic again, so I told her that would be a no go for me. I also told her I thought she was trying to soften the breakup by saying all of this, even if she felt like she meant it. If she doesn't know about us for sure by now, she never will.

 

I walked with her on to the train platform. The train is pulling in now at this point. This is it; this is the end. I turn to her and take off my penchant necklace that she loves and put it around her neck. She said "no" and started to tear up. We kissed passionately and we both said, "I love you forever" (we have often said this to each other). She boarded the train, and we waved goodbye to each other as I stood on the platform and the train pulled away, and with it, her from my life. I don't believe I will ever see or hear from her again. I can't believe that it's really over.

 

So that was it. And although I'm deeply saddened to lose someone who I love so much and was so hopeful about having a future with, I'm happy that she knows what she needs and that I know what I need and we're both understanding of that to each other. It was a rough and emotional breakup, but it was not a bitter ending. We love each other very much, but we will never be what it is I wanted. And I know I could never allow us to be in the uncertainty category that she prefers for one more second. Not now, not in the future. I know she doesn't want to think of it this way, but in the end, I played the role as her exit from an unhappy relationship and life. It's everything I imagined and predicted from early on in the relationship. She is free now and in therapy. She no longer needs me to guide her toward a path of authenticity. She can do it on her own now. I believe I really was a good affair partner in her eyes, but never someone she was sold on. I believe she did consider a future with us. I definitely believe she loves me. But ultimately, she's not convinced I'm the guy for her, and if she's not convinced than neither am I any longer. This is the perspective I have to take to move forward. It's over.

 

Finally, I want to say that despite the sadness, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. All of those nights hanging by a thread and short changing myself out of a real relationship are over. I lost so much in my life because of this relationship that I can't even begin to describe the costs. And in the end, I'm alone and with not even half of what my life was when it started. Now, it's my time to heal. Now, I can focus on regaining my sense of personal power. It's going to be painful and a long process, I know, and I am expecting many nights of feeling torn and missing her, but I am hopeful that with time I can recover and rediscover the great guy I felt I was before I allowed myself to get swept away in this mess. And when I'm ready, I'll be happy to look for someone who is just as wanting to be with me as I am with them.

 

Sadly, but with relief,

 

Tuna In The Brine

Edited July 27, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[Birdies]

Wow Tuna. That was intense. Hugs to you my friend!

 

Now please do block her. You are feeling a lot of resolve and courage right now, but as you probably know, you will miss her more and feel less resolved in the future. Do your future self a favor and start the healing process NOW instead of drawing out the painful, limbo, pre-healing process any longer.

[sandylee1]

Wow. That was quite something.

 

You sound like a decent guy and I'm sure you won't have any problem building a good relationship with the right woman.

 

She isn't the woman for you and that whole getting together from an affair thing, can create trust issues down the line.

 

You know she's capable of cheating and it would always be on your mind.

 

Start on a clean honest note with someone else when you're ready.

 

Block her and please don't let her ever keep you dangling again.

[BaileyB]

I think it was the right thing to do. But, I'm sorry.

[What_Did_I_Do]

What a heartbreaking story.

 

Even after you've been put through the ringer, you still manage to see the light and good of it all. Many kudos to you T.

 

She's hoping to keep that door open in case she needs something from you down the line. You have to close and lock that door because peeking inside will only cause further harm to your heart.

 

At the end of the day, if they really wanted us they would be with us. That fact is so hard to accept.

 

Well wishes in your healing Tuna. My thoughts are with you.

[TheBathWater]

What a heartbreaking story.

 

Even after you've been put through the ringer, you still manage to see the light and good of it all. Many kudos to you T.

 

She's hoping to keep that door open in case she needs something from you down the line. You have to close and lock that door because peeking inside will only cause further harm to your heart.

 

At the end of the day, if they really wanted us they would be with us. That fact is so hard to accept.

 

Well wishes in your healing Tuna. My thoughts are with you.

 

It's easy to see the light and good of it all when I feel that in this relationship I gained so much more than I lost. I gained back the faith I'd lost years ago that lasting love was possible, and that I am a desirable partner for a long-term commitment, despite a difficult childhood and a couple of relationship betrayals. My self-esteem is high enough that I am able to see the situation clearly for what it was and not personalize it as being about me or that I'm not good enough, or something like that. I know who I am. I'm also grateful to have met an amazing person who loved me and who I loved, and we gave a lot to each other, even though it ultimately didn't work out.

 

I truly believe in myself and what I bring to the table. It turned out that it wasn't enough for her, and she has a lot of her own issues to work through, but that just means she wasn't the one for me after all. It's not about me, but her. I was always consistent in saying I was willing to work through the mess and that I had faith in us. If she really felt the same, things would have turned out differently. Of course, it's sad to say goodbye to someone who you love so much and believed there could be a great future with, but it is easier to accept once you realize that if someone really wants to be with you then they will, just like you said. I gave it a year with her and she chose to remove herself from my life. I played a role in her life that allowed her to turn away from a life that she didn't want, but in all of those actions she never turned closer toward me/us. I was her exit, ultimately. I've seen enough by this point to know that things will never change between us. She will never be sure of me because some part of her tells her I'm not the guy for her. And that's fine. It's clear now. We don't want the same thing, so I can allow myself to start moving on.

 

Dating and relationships will probably not be in my focus for a little while so I can grieve and also not bring any baggage from this relationship into the next one. I'm not worried about dating and attracting a partner to me once I'm ready. I do pretty well for myself with dating, and I feel I'll be that much more ready to work toward a committed long-term relationship with someone who is single and interested when the time is right. It would have been nice to do that with her, but by her removing herself from my life, in effect she is telling me she really not is the one for me after all, so now I can have space for the one who is meant for me to show up in my life.

Edited July 29, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[TheBathWater]

Those of you who have followed my story probably know that there were a few unique aspects about the affair I had with the engaged woman who is now single. We started as an open relationship the first round, became an affair the second round, and she eventually left her fiancé and then me at the same time. They always say that they never leave their SO, but this one did, and she insinuated that she "did it for us." It could not have dangled any closer to my face before it was ripped away.

 

I cannot begin to describe the confusing combination of sadness and anger that I have been feeling. I ask myself questions like, "how could someone tell me they see a potential future with me, complete with a future son and daughter, and then abandon me?" "How could someone cite the trust issues in the relationship as my problem when she was the one who cheated, when I was the one who said I was willing to work through it with her" "How could someone tell me I was the greatest thing that ever happened to them, the love of their life, and then at the flip of a switch distance themselves from me and walk away?" I can't believe it's really over.

 

I'm sure my feelings are not unusual, but they are so incredibly hard to make sense out of. I can't decide what to feel. I feel like it would be easier if she didn't love me. I feel it would be easier if she had just stayed with him and left me. But to have come so far together after a year, shared a vision together, and then have her pull away yet say that she still loves me so much, I just don't know how to get by anymore. We came so close. I had so much faith in us.

 

Perhaps the worst part is the way she left things. She suggested she would be interested in maybe coming back to me in a few months when she has sorted herself out more. How can I completely move on when I have it in the back of my head that she might follow through and come back? At the same time, she suggested she might be interested in dating other people in a few months, but when I confronted her on this and said it meant that she must not really be convinced about us she turned it around and said that she meant her and I. But because there are no guarantees other than this immediate heartache, I don't know what to do, think, or feel.

 

I am so scared that I might not come back from this heartache, that I might never have with someone what I had with her, and that I'll never know if she's going to come back or not. I have a therapist, but not much of a support system otherwise, and I just don't know where to turn or what to do. I feel completely abandoned and alone. This has got to be the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

 

Anyway, I just had to put this out there. I know ya'll are very wise and have been useful to me in the past, guiding me in good directions. I thought I'd come here and reach out to see what kind of intuitive hunches some of you might have, and whether or not you had any pointers for me.

 

Thank you so much in advance. I really appreciate it.

[BaileyB]

In life and in relationships, as they say "timing is everything..." Two people may love each other, but if the timing is not right, it will not work.

 

She was not in a good place. She knew it, she knew that she needed some time and space to get into a healthier place before she began a new relationship. Good for her! Far too many people don't recognize this and take the time/get the therapy/do the healing they need but jump from one unhealthy relationship to another...

 

Nobody ever knows what the future will hold. Maybe she'll take the time she needs and come back to you, or maybe she won't. The best thing you can do is grieve the loss of the relationship and move forward on your own... Because you don't know what she will do. Don't get into another relationship until you have taken the time you need. Good luck.

[TheBathWater]

In life and in relationships, as they say "timing is everything..." Two people may love each other, but if the timing is not right, it will not work.

 

She was not in a good place. She knew it, she knew that she needed some time and space to get into a healthier place before she began a new relationship. Good for her! Far too many people don't recognize this and take the time/get the therapy/do the healing they need but jump from one unhealthy relationship to another...

 

Nobody ever knows what the future will hold. Maybe she'll take the time she needs and come back to you, or maybe she won't. The best thing you can do is grieve the loss of the relationship and move forward on your own... Because you don't know what she will do. Don't get into another relationship until you have taken the time you need. Good luck.

 

Yeah, I'm happy for her that she made a decision to do what feels right to her. I've always told her I wouldn't want her to step into this with me at only 50%. At the same time, I can't help the anger and sadness. I am scared to attempt to grieve the loss of her and move on, thinking she might come back and I'll be too ready and willing to go with her. It sounds illogical, but that's how I feel right now. I just wish I knew what she was thinking, how she is doing, and how sure or unsure she feels about us when she imagines the future.

[BreakingWave]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Tuna, because you did seem very at peace with things when you posted about the last time you saw her. I understand very well how you begin to feel at peace and then just... feel it all falling apart again inside of you. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way. What is your plan going forward? NC and space or...?

[TheBathWater]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Tuna, because you did seem very at peace with things when you posted about the last time you saw her. I understand very well how you begin to feel at peace and then just... feel it all falling apart again inside of you. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way. What is your plan going forward? NC and space or...?

 

Well, I'm definitely not going to initiate contact with her. Especially since the way we left things was that if she really wants to get in touch with me then she will and we will take things from there if it comes to that point, so reaching out before then and going back on that would make me look very weak and it doesn't really say much about my self respect. So definitely no contact. since I really have no idea of whether or not she will come back, though I wish I did, my only choice it really is to do as much therapy as possible and practice good self-care until I'm feeling better, but I worry that's going to be a long time from now and I'm scared about whether or not I can survive the process. This really is the most difficult thing I've experience, and I've been through a lot. I really thought that this was the one and that we were going in the right direction and now it's over. I'm worried I won't find something as good as this as crazy as it sounds, and until I know for sure that she's never coming back there will always be a part of me that wonders what if? How can I ever get married and have kids with that question in my head? My feelings are all over the place. Still, it doesn't change anything I've said before. This really is the best decision right now regardless of whatever happens in the future. It's just horrible. I imagine it's very similar for her. She definitely doesn't have it any easier than me, except she does have family and more social supports.

Edited August 4, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[road]

We started as an open relationship the first round, became an affair the second round, and she eventually left her fiancé and then me at the same time. They always say that they never leave their SO, but this one did

 

 

They do this all the time.

 

She used you.

 

You were willing to be used. Proof you stooped to her level

and had an affair with her.

 

She wanted out of her relationship.

 

She did this by having an affair with you.

 

Once she was single again she no longer had a need for an OM.

 

Your job was done.

 

So she was done with you.

[travelbug1996]

You let your heart get away from you and its happened to all of us at one time or another. You have the responsibility to protect your emotional well being at all times. You can't be vulnerable to words especially from someone who is not an honest person. When a situation starts with deception it usually ends with the same deception.

 

Find a single, trustworthy, honest woman and start from there. Don't get caught up in the fantasy.

[lana-banana]

It sounds like your last encounter left you traumatized. It was so powerful you'll be comparing all future relationships to that Hollywood climax for years. (I had one of those too, and it did a number on me; long after I stopped missing the man, I felt unable to get over the shocking way it ended.) So you've been left with a striking vision that feels profound, almost poetic in its drama and pathos.

 

Well, give it a couple years. Eventually you will wake up and think "what the hell was I on about?" Sure, you can try to convince yourself she was a great woman who just needed help and time, but she ultimately string you along and discarded you. She's not "confused" about your relationship or what she wants. She let you drive yourself mad until you couldn't take it anymore, and once she was finally forced to make a choice, she dropped you. In time you will realize this wasn't a beautiful love story but just a colossal mindf-ck.

[TheBathWater]

It sounds like your last encounter left you traumatized. It was so powerful you'll be comparing all future relationships to that Hollywood climax for years. (I had one of those too, and it did a number on me; long after I stopped missing the man, I felt unable to get over the shocking way it ended.) So you've been left with a striking vision that feels profound, almost poetic in its drama and pathos.

 

Well, give it a couple years. Eventually you will wake up and think "what the hell was I on about?" Sure, you can try to convince yourself she was a great woman who just needed help and time, but she ultimately string you along and discarded you. She's not "confused" about your relationship or what she wants. She let you drive yourself mad until you couldn't take it anymore, and once she was finally forced to make a choice, she dropped you. In time you will realize this wasn't a beautiful love story but just a colossal mindf-ck.

 

But I really do believe she loves and cares about me. What I don't get is how someone could do that to someone they love. I don't believe she is the malicious type, but I wouldn't put it past her that maybe she was manipulating me unconsciously to feel powerful, sexy, and affective, since she does have self-esteem issues and felt ignored in her engagement. She does love and care about me, but obviously she doesn't feel like I'd be a good LTR partner. Otherwise, she probably would've chosen me, yeah? But then it's like, why say "in a few months" and "I do see a potential future between us" and "I could see us having kids" and she cries when she has to say goodbye to me. It really is a mindf**k. You're right about that.

 

I know I can never allow her to do this to me again. Unless she ever pursues me with a commitment and earnest intent, there's no way I can let her back in. She's caused a lot of damage and so far hasn't shown she wants to work together to be something more than what we were. I'm not holding my breath.

[lana-banana]

But then it's like, why say "in a few months" and "I do see a potential future between us" and "I could see us having kids" and she cries when she has to say goodbye to me. It really is a mindf**k. You're right about that.

 

These were the exact words my then-boyfriend used when he left me. He sobbed. He swore he would never get over me. He said he would love me forever. He said we would end up together when he was ready. Two months later he was with someone else.

 

Why say it? Because it's easier to be immature and hyperemotional than tell the truth. He was done with the relationship and didn't have the nerve to say that to my face, that's all. I think this woman was the same way.

[MidnightBlue1980]

But I really do believe she loves and cares about me. What I don't get is how someone could do that to someone they love. I don't believe she is the malicious type, but I wouldn't put it past her that maybe she was manipulating me unconsciously to feel powerful, sexy, and affective, since she does have self-esteem issues and felt ignored in her engagement. She does love and care about me, but obviously she doesn't feel like I'd be a good LTR partner. Otherwise, she probably would've chosen me, yeah? But then it's like, why say "in a few months" and "I do see a potential future between us" and "I could see us having kids" and she cries when she has to say goodbye to me. It really is a mindf**k. You're right about that.

 

.

 

I do agree. Generalization here but when a woman is done, we are done. We do not go back for a night of romance, crying and endless relationship talk. We do the breakup in a somewhat cold way, a restaurant, the phone, I guess a text (going by the other guys post). So your situation leads me to think that she is keeping you on the hook. Women don't really do that. So therefore, I am wondering if she really did end her engagement. There was a poster here who was the OM with an engagement woman and it was back and forth for a very long time where she put both men in a triangle situation.

 

Generally the correct answer is the most obvious one.

[TheBathWater]

I do agree. Generalization here but when a woman is done, we are done. We do not go back for a night of romance, crying and endless relationship talk. We do the breakup in a somewhat cold way, a restaurant, the phone, I guess a text (going by the other guys post). So your situation leads me to think that she is keeping you on the hook. Women don't really do that. So therefore, I am wondering if she really did end her engagement. There was a poster here who was the OM with an engagement woman and it was back and forth for a very long time where she put both men in a triangle situation.

 

Generally the correct answer is the most obvious one.

 

She definitely split from him.

[TheBathWater]

These were the exact words my then-boyfriend used when he left me. He sobbed. He swore he would never get over me. He said he would love me forever. He said we would end up together when he was ready. Two months later he was with someone else.

 

Why say it? Because it's easier to be immature and hyperemotional than tell the truth. He was done with the relationship and didn't have the nerve to say that to my face, that's all. I think this woman was the same way.

 

I've wondered sometimes if she has been lining someone else up that she's not involved with currently but might be open to, such as a coworker. I guess I have no way of knowing though, especially since she never really made me a part of her life for real. I knew her in a limited way. No wonder trust is such an issue in these scenarios

Edited August 5, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[TheBathWater]

It sounds like your last encounter left you traumatized. It was so powerful you'll be comparing all future relationships to that Hollywood climax for years. (I had one of those too, and it did a number on me; long after I stopped missing the man, I felt unable to get over the shocking way it ended.) So you've been left with a striking vision that feels profound, almost poetic in its drama and pathos.

 

Well, give it a couple years. Eventually you will wake up and think "what the hell was I on about?" Sure, you can try to convince yourself she was a great woman who just needed help and time, but she ultimately string you along and discarded you. She's not "confused" about your relationship or what she wants. She let you drive yourself mad until you couldn't take it anymore, and once she was finally forced to make a choice, she dropped you. In time you will realize this wasn't a beautiful love story but just a colossal mindf-ck.

 

I have had a few friends tell me pretty much this as well. It's very sad to think about

 

A buddy of mine was telling me tonight that although he can see some potential hope between me and her, he feels very strongly that I need to let go of any attachment to the outcome on this one because there's also the chance that I could realistically find someone much more stable and better able to give me what I need then she can, or that she won't come back. He said I'm only suffering by continuing to think about it and wish and hope.

[sandylee1]

Not many people want a cold harsh break up and her telling you she might come back is a sign of that.

 

As she's in therapy, she'll be learning a lot about herself. She'll be coming to terms with the fact that she cheated on a man she had been with for several years... She may question how she did it and be worried she could do it again.

 

It didn't sound like cheating came naturally to her and it didn't sit comfortably with her, so she has a long journey of self discovery to go on.... It can be hard to do that and begin a proper relationship with your ex OM.

 

You need to work on yourself too, because I know you loved her, but willingly and knowingly being the OM isn't great. Perhaps had you insisted she was single before you were with her (after the open relationship bit), things might have turned out differently.

 

That's history now... But as well as questioning her own character, she might be questioning yours, hence the trust issues. I know it may come across crazy... But jumping out of a decade long relationship into another, isn't a wise move.

 

She needs to work on herself and become a solid safe person to be with. If she had gotten with you after the break up, I don't see it would have lasted.

 

Don't make any woman your booby prize in the future. If you don't love her and are not in love with her, don't get married. It would be unfair to another woman.

[Eight]

I notice on these boards it's always one person in the A coming here, with a hyper focus on the other person. What are they doing? Why are they doing it? Did they love me? Will they come back? What are they thinking? Do they miss me as much as I miss them? Should I contact them? Are they just confused? Did they mean what they said?

 

All the focus is on the other person instead of one's self.

 

Live your life without her. The who, what, why, when of her life is none of your concern. You can spend the rest of your days trying to figure out what is going on in her mind and still not have an answer. It's a complete waste of your time.

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but for your own sanity and well-being you need to move on. I know it takes time to get to the point where there's not even that little part of you that's still holding on to hope.

 

You sound like an extremely intorspective, sensitive and caring man. You are a gift that someone will cherish; not toy around with back and forth for their own ego gratification. Your last meeting sounded like a scene out of a romantic movie. Not real life. IMO, every affair could end like that if AP's planned their last meeting that way. It's the nature of the affair; it's not love. It's not unique.

[TheBathWater]

I notice on these boards it's always one person in the A coming here, with a hyper focus on the other person. What are they doing? Why are they doing it? Did they love me? Will they come back? What are they thinking? Do they miss me as much as I miss them? Should I contact them? Are they just confused? Did they mean what they said?

 

All the focus is on the other person instead of one's self.

 

Live your life without her. The who, what, why, when of her life is none of your concern. You can spend the rest of your days trying to figure out what is going on in her mind and still not have an answer. It's a complete waste of your time.

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but for your own sanity and well-being you need to move on. I know it takes time to get to the point where there's not even that little part of you that's still holding on to hope.

 

You sound like an extremely intorspective, sensitive and caring man. You are a gift that someone will cherish; not toy around with back and forth for their own ego gratification. Your last meeting sounded like a scene out of a romantic movie. Not real life. IMO, every affair could end like that if AP's planned their last meeting that way. It's the nature of the affair; it's not love. It's not unique.

 

I don't think you sound harsh. I agree I need to move on, but I can only try and wait for my emotions to catch up. It's very difficult at the moment.

 

I do believe we love each other, but that doesn't mean that anything will ever happen.