I Came So Close: Confusion in the Aftermath [UPDATE]

[TheBathWater]

This thread could possibly fit into a few different forums, so please forgive me in advance if there is a more appropriate place for this.

 

I bumped into my ex tonight in the entrance way of a salsa dance class lesson that we both used to attend. As soon as she entered the room and saw me, she turned around and walked out. I felt so disappointed and am not sure how to feel about it, so I thought I'd post here for some support and whatever interpretations others might be able to offer.

 

We met a year ago when she was engaged and we entered into an open relationship with her fiancé's consent. After several months, we ended things because we both didn't want non-monogamy any longer. Several months later, we met up again and it became an affair.

 

She led me to believe that she was going to leave her fiancé for me because she was unhappy, but then as soon as she broke up with him, she left me too. Worse though, she made me "the bad guy" and told me how we could never work because of "my" trust issues when I was the one willing to try for a real relationship.

 

I was devastated, especially as I had helped her find a therapist during our time together to help her. I did nothing but care for and love her, and she discarded me like trash. I'm not proud of what I did next, but out of anger, I had sent a facebook message to her ex fiancé and told him everything about the affair that she didn't already confess to him. She was livid, contacted me and told me she never wanted to see me again. That was about two months ago, and then tonight is when we bumped into each other.

 

Why can't she just apologize to me for what she put me through? Why can't we just learn how to be civilized adults? I mean, why do I have to be relegated to "the bad guy" position and be the one who is wrong when she brought so much hurt into my life (not to mention her fiancé's)? I know what I did was wrong, two wrongs don't make a right, and all that stuff...but I certainly don't hate her. If one of us should be devaluing the other, I feel it should be me, but I don't feel like I have to see her as all 'bad'...she's a human who made mistakes. I just find it strange that it's her who is acting this way toward me and not me toward her. A sincere apology would be okay with me.

 

I guess I'm not sure what I would have expected if she had stayed for the class instead of leaving, but I'm upset by how awfully she treated me in the end, and now tonight.

Edited September 13, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[trustyourself]

An honest opinion?

 

You both messed up here. She should never of had an affair with you, and you should not have been petulant and ratted her out. That is a pretty low blow.

 

She owes you an apology? For what? Ending her affair with you?

 

If anything it should probably be the other way around.

 

I think you need to let this one go. You messed up by betraying her, and I doubt she will forgive that. Trust is so important in a relationship.

 

Good luck man.

[lovely81]

I also ratted someone out, so I understand to some extent the complex emotions associated with this. I felt guilty but also free for the first time in awhile.

 

I think the thing is you still have lingering emotions for her and your mind is going to keep creating arguments as ways to keep you tied to her. Ultimately you want to tie yourself only to you, if that makes sense. You are still looking for her to make you feel right inside.

 

For me, things like writing, going out with supportive friends, the work of Byron Katie, and fun exercise have helped a lot. I have realized that my looking for validation from certain men is part of a lifelong pattern. Anything I can do to loosen my mind from these well-worn tracks helps.

 

You'll experience setbacks--detaching yourself from her was the first step in a journey. I feel like these situations happen to us to show us what real love is--the self-care and self-nurturing we do to heal is far closer to that love than the drama we endured with exes . . .

 

Good luck!

[TheBathWater]

An honest opinion?

 

You both messed up here. She should never of had an affair with you, and you should not have been petulant and ratted her out. That is a pretty low blow.

 

She owes you an apology? For what? Ending her affair with you?

 

If anything it should probably be the other way around.

 

I think you need to let this one go. You messed up by betraying her, and I doubt she will forgive that. Trust is so important in a relationship.

 

Good luck man.

 

#1 Most Empathic Comment of the Year on Loveshack.'

 

P.S. I did apologize...at the end and a lot more than I should have along the way. This person was incredibly selfish, and I am expressing the genuine hurt here.

 

You have no right to lambast someone publicly and make character judgements on strangers, stepping on people who are already down. That's just sad.

[TheBathWater]

I also ratted someone out, so I understand to some extent the complex emotions associated with this. I felt guilty but also free for the first time in awhile.

 

I think the thing is you still have lingering emotions for her and your mind is going to keep creating arguments as ways to keep you tied to her. Ultimately you want to tie yourself only to you, if that makes sense. You are still looking for her to make you feel right inside.

 

For me, things like writing, going out with supportive friends, the work of Byron Katie, and fun exercise have helped a lot. I have realized that my looking for validation from certain men is part of a lifelong pattern. Anything I can do to loosen my mind from these well-worn tracks helps.

 

You'll experience setbacks--detaching yourself from her was the first step in a journey. I feel like these situations happen to us to show us what real love is--the self-care and self-nurturing we do to heal is far closer to that love than the drama we endured with exes . . .

 

Good luck!

 

Yes, your spot on.

 

I invested a lot in this woman. She strung me along and told me how she wanted to have two children with me and get married, and move away together. She swore she would never leave. She made me promise her I would never abandon her. And then just like that, she led me to the gates of hell and left me there.

 

I have been working hard to recover my self-esteem and build a healthier foundation in my personality. I journal, go to therapy, read, seek social supports, and all that stuff. I'm doing a lot better now than I was a month ago but I still feel some semblance of pain from it all because she meant so much to me. Seeing her last night brought up some feelings but it wasn't as intense as I thought it would be.

 

I'll also add that ratting her out was a way for me of breaking the silence. I was never part of her real life and she promised me so much. I was very angry and hurt, otherwise I wouldn't have done that. I don't feel proud of it obviously, but at the time it did feel like redemption.

 

She was never interested in taking accountability for what she did to me or her fiancé, and I only wish that she would have showed more humanity.

Edited September 13, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[cope ascetic]

...and I only wish that she would have showed more humanity.

 

You're not asking a lot, but it's more than she can give. You have to remember it's not the same for her as it is for you: she's not going to be as sensitive as you are, because of her position in the triad. She has placed herself there for a reason.

[TheBathWater]

You're not asking a lot, but it's more than she can give. You have to remember it's not the same for her as it is for you: she's not going to be as sensitive as you are, because of her position in the triad. She has placed herself there for a reason.

 

I'd love to know what reason that is. And I wish I knew why she couldn't be sensitive to me at all, after everything we'd been through and how much care and love I offered to her. I thought I meant something special to her and that what we had was real, but the way she ended it, it felt like the whole rug was pulled out and none of it mattered anymore, and I was in the wrong for having a reaction to it. She allowed herself to have emotions, but I was not.

 

Some here will say I betrayed her by outing the details of the affair to her fiancé (who knew about us, but nowhere near the full extent), but I have to stand firm and say I felt betrayed first...many times. I can't think of a greater betrayal than being used as an exit strategy for a poor relationship, being led to believe you're going to get married and have children (she used to ask if I preferred a ceremony or a city hall arrangement), etc... and then being abandoned. I was not entitled in her eyes to have an emotional reaction, and when I did, I was made the 'bad guy'.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that if she had been more humane when she broke up with me and hadn't discarded me like trash, I would have never sent the message to her ex fiancé. Definitely not.

Edited September 13, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[cope ascetic]

It's possible she's just insensitive in general, but more than likely it's a product of where she is in the triad, that she can't empathize with you as much as you'd like. There is a lot of ego gratification in being in her position, and if that is new to her, she may hoard it for herself and bee so inflated there's no room for her to behave like a kind of benevolent ruler in the relationship. It can be very hard to accept that someone one has invested in can be so blind to the pain created. It shows a lack of grace on her part, and if you are sensitive to that, that means you will look for that quality in the next woman you get involved with. Also, from what you ended your last post with, it sounds like she behaved in a way that you reacted to by lowering your own standards for your conduct. You will hopefully find someone who instead brings out the best in you.

[trustyourself]

#1 Most Empathic Comment of the Year on Loveshack.'

 

P.S. I did apologize...at the end and a lot more than I should have along the way. This person was incredibly selfish, and I am expressing the genuine hurt here.

 

You have no right to lambast someone publicly and make character judgements on strangers, stepping on people who are already down. That's just sad.

 

I am in no way lambasting anyone or making character judgments?

 

You both hurt each other and you wanted feedback on the situation.

 

I understand you are down, as are most of us on here.

 

Good luck in the future. I wish you the best. I hope you get the answer you are looking for.

[TheBathWater]

It's possible she's just insensitive in general, but more than likely it's a product of where she is in the triad, that she can't empathize with you as much as you'd like. There is a lot of ego gratification in being in her position, and if that is new to her, she may hoard it for herself and bee so inflated there's no room for her to behave like a kind of benevolent ruler in the relationship. It can be very hard to accept that someone one has invested in can be so blind to the pain created. It shows a lack of grace on her part, and if you are sensitive to that, that means you will look for that quality in the next woman you get involved with. Also, from what you ended your last post with, it sounds like she behaved in a way that you reacted to by lowering your own standards for your conduct. You will hopefully find someone who instead brings out the best in you.

 

Thank you for such a thoughtful response. Yes, it is hard to accept her behavior because of how much love seemed to be there between the both of us. I so wish it could have ended differently, even with the same outcome of us not being together. But I do agree that I learned that grace, among other qualities, are important to look for in the next woman I have a relationship with. More than my not wanting a repeat of having the same partner, I also don't want a repeat of my own behavior. I know that my best self wouldn't normally do that. I am ashamed. I hope my next love will be reciprocal, real, and healthy.

[TheBathWater]

Had a bad fallout with an ex a few months back. We both loved each other very much, but we said some very hurtful things at the end. She told me she never wanted to see me again, but I knew it was just the anger talking, so I told her she could contact me down the line if she wanted to.

 

A month or so ago, we unexpectedly bumped into each other at a salsa dance class. As soon as she walked in and saw me, she turned around and walked away. Apparently, she was still angry and/or just didn't want to deal with the awkwardness.

 

But last night, she showed up at a salsa dance club that she knows I go to religiously, and one she has always avoided for that reason. And of all nights she could have gone, she picked the one night I brought a date with me. I didn't even notice her until me and my date were getting our coats to leave. She seemed to be alone.

 

I made eye contact with her and she tried to pretend to not notice me. I don't know if it was because I was with someone or not. I had a brief opportunity to interact with her when my date wasn't standing next to me and my ex was polite. I said something like "you must think I'm an a-hole and hate me" and she sounded sympathetic in tone and said "no, you're not an a-hole and I don't hate you." I was a little tipsy so I can't remember the rest, but it was really quick. I know I was a little mad because of how she ended things with me some months back and then the incident at the salsa class a month ago, so I said something like "Well, when you're ready to be an adult and talk, you can get in touch." Looking back on that moment now, I think I was a jerk for saying that, but a lot of hard unresolved feelings came up for me and I wasn't sure what to do. But I miss her.

 

Is this a sign she wants me back? She obviously knew I'd be there. I wonder had I not been with a date if she would have talked more with me.

Edited October 22, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[Alamo657]

Maybe she just wants to dance as well ?

I wouldnt read too much into it. she might be a little annoyed to see you moving on, but you shouldnt be the one leaving doors open. From an outside perspective you are desperatly wanting her to resume a relationship.

[TheBathWater]

but you shouldnt be the one leaving doors open. From an outside perspective you are desperatly wanting her to resume a relationship.

 

Yeah, and what of it?

[fieldoflavender]

Well just make a decision - either go after her or leave the past in the past. Lingering won't do anyone any good. The whole thing is like bread crumbs.

[TheBathWater]

I think seeing her really hit me hard. I feel right back where I was months ago.

 

And the more I think about it, I doubt she is looking for me. I think she's just putting herself back out there. Obviously, I'm still wishing things were different or that she would provide me with better closure than how we ended...but I know that's just not likely to happen.

Edited October 23, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[TheBathWater]

It's been a few months since my ex left both her fiancé and me at the same time. I'd always suspected there was someone else in the picture - a coworker who she always goes to lunch with, helps him with his side business, etc... but she always denied it if I inquired and said even if they were both single she wouldn't do anything. Low and behold...they are going out to sexy latin dance social events together and I bumped into them a few nights ago.

 

How did others here deal with the healing process as the other man/woman when they are abandoned by their AP, told that they are the ones with faulty thinking, and then you see this kind of stuff happen? It makes me question the whole relationship I had with her now. What a mindf**k.

[Vivir]

TunaIntheBrine, while your bumping into them was likely to be jarring to you, as it would've been for me... I think that I definitely would've realized my original thinking about this person was likely correct. It is possible that they are not dating but are instead doing fun things as friends, but if your instincts are screaming at you, you should listen.

 

I have found that people who try to convince you that your thinking is faulty are doing so for a reason, and that reason is usually not in your best interests.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry that you are unhappy...

 

But really, any woman who is engaged to one man and in a serious relationship with another doesn't have great boundaries when it comes to relationships. Are you really surprised by this development... I would bet money that she is cheating on this guy by the end of the year.

 

A better question to ask is perhaps, how you go involved in this situation and why you placed so much trust in a woman who clearly, wasn't worthy of your trust.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Sorry Tuna. One more kick in the pants for you.

 

Gotta trust your gut. This gal was wishy-washy, I'm so confused, need to clear my head, I'll call you when I'm all straightened out, BS'ing you for quite some time. So it seems there was a better prospect she was hoping to snare. Good riddance. Tuna, if you ended up with her, you'd be constantly looking over your shoulder.

 

I have no doubt my xmm has one or more OOW. Can't prove it but quite frankly, don't care. We are dodging the bullet.

[ladydesigner]

I hate to say it but these types of people have deep seated personality issues and possibly a disorder. I mean she was already cheating on her fiancé (not even married yet ) and already left one AP for another. That's all you need to know she sounds like a rotten person and you are better off. You seriously dodged a bullet with this one go out and celebrate that fact!

[freengreen]

TunaIntheBrine, while your bumping into them was likely to be jarring to you, as it would've been for me... I think that I definitely would've realized my original thinking about this person was likely correct. It is possible that they are not dating but are instead doing fun things as friends, but if your instincts are screaming at you, you should listen.

 

I have found that people who try to convince you that your thinking is faulty are doing so for a reason, and that reason is usually not in your best interests.

 

^ This bolded is almost always true. They make you feel as if you are at fault so that you are occupied with ‘ am I insecure?’ and they carry on behind your back.

 

Your gut is right. Move on, you lost when you became an AP, get out of it and win.

[Origin]

Hi Tuna,

 

I always told you that your and mine story were like 99% similar so I was always following your posts.

 

How to move on???....realize one thing that I did with my woman, and maybe your woman is the same way, and from reading your story I’d say they are VERY similar.

 

Anyways, I watched DOZENS of videos on YouTube on Narcissism and everything clicked and I finally understood everything. I was able to piece together something she never game me, proper closure due to pathological lying.

 

Your woman sounds like mine, no empathy towards you and it’s all about her.

 

Go to YouTube and search for YouTuber by the name Assc Direct. Watch his videos and I hope it brings you peace and closure.

 

Keep posting brother and good luck.

Edited October 25, 2017 by Origin

[TheBathWater]

Hi Tuna,

 

I always told you that your and mine story were like 99% similar so I was always following your posts.

 

How to move on???....realize one thing that I did with my woman, and maybe your woman is the same way, and from reading your story I’d say they are VERY similar.

 

Anyways, I watched DOZENS of videos on YouTube on Narcissism and everything clicked and I finally understood everything. I was able to piece together something she never game me, proper closure due to pathological lying.

 

Your woman sounds like mine, no empathy towards you and it’s all about her.

 

Go to YouTube and search for YouTuber by the name Assc Direct. Watch his videos and I hope it brings you peace and closure.

 

Keep posting brother and good luck.

 

I have watched a lot of YouTube videos about narcissism and read a number of books and articles. Yes, they are helpful. I'm with you on that one. But I'm not sure they provide me with proper closure, or if proper closure will ever be possible, and for two reasons...

 

1.) Proper closure for me would be her acknowledging her wrongdoing of me, of having acted selfishly by leading me on with breadcrumbs of hope that we had a future together, and then ripping it away. I tried so hard and did so much. I found her a therapist she clicks well with, I accommodated to her every feeling and need, I owned my issues and vowed to undertake a journey together of love and self-improvement. Although I was and am still crushed by the end of it all, I feel like I was the loser. She walked away with the new lease on life that she wanted, she ended on good terms with her ex fiancé, but she made me "the bad guy" and here I am licking my wounds still. But I understand I'll never get this proper closure from her, and it's ultimately on me to recover.

 

2.) The other piece I struggle with regarding proper closure is that I don't want to think of her as "the bad one." I know she did some bad things, as did I, but that's not how I want to remember her. I'd rather internalize her as a complicated woman who I love very much but simply am not able to be with because she was not as willing as I was to go for it. But again, what stops me from achieving this is that I'm still stuck on the wrongdoing by her toward me until I get a proper apology...but it's just never going to happen.

 

There's just a lot of hurt here, and only time and persistent commitment to recovery can help me. I am dating again as of recently though. I can't say that has been helpful so far (just haven't met someone who means as much to me as her yet), but it's not hurting, so I'm going with it.

[BourneWicked]

Sorry Tuna. What an awful experience.

 

In some ways though... good for you, though it doesn't feel like it now. I wonder if I will ever get closure on mine... there are things that make me think "clearly serial player" and things that make me think "wow he was really into me." My moments of shade with him are foggy, and I know I have a history of being an irrational jealous person, so without the sort of solid concrete evidence that he's consistently shady (rather than inconsistently shady just with me... ? ridiculous...) , I continue this delusion of possible future some day. I would say, with what you've seen, you can take that bridge and burn it.

 

I know I personally seem to crave exactly this sort of exquisite pain - recognizing that I'm loving someone who can never love me back - and I'm trying to dig into why this is the case a little more so I don't repeat it with the next seemingly-amazing crazy that waltzes into my life.

 

Glad you're dating again. Hope you're able to find someone truly kind and reliable, whose words match up with their actions.

[Deadmeat]

I have watched a lot of YouTube videos about narcissism and read a number of books and articles. Yes, they are helpful. I'm with you on that one. But I'm not sure they provide me with proper closure, or if proper closure will ever be possible, and for two reasons...

 

1.) Proper closure for me would be her acknowledging her wrongdoing of me, of having acted selfishly by leading me on with breadcrumbs of hope that we had a future together, and then ripping it away. I tried so hard and did so much. I found her a therapist she clicks well with, I accommodated to her every feeling and need, I owned my issues and vowed to undertake a journey together of love and self-improvement. Although I was and am still crushed by the end of it all, I feel like I was the loser. She walked away with the new lease on life that she wanted, she ended on good terms with her ex fiancé, but she made me "the bad guy" and here I am licking my wounds still. But I understand I'll never get this proper closure from her, and it's ultimately on me to recover.

 

2.) The other piece I struggle with regarding proper closure is that I don't want to think of her as "the bad one." I know she did some bad things, as did I, but that's not how I want to remember her. I'd rather internalize her as a complicated woman who I love very much but simply am not able to be with because she was not as willing as I was to go for it. But again, what stops me from achieving this is that I'm still stuck on the wrongdoing by her toward me until I get a proper apology...but it's just never going to happen.

 

There's just a lot of hurt here, and only time and persistent commitment to recovery can help me. I am dating again as of recently though. I can't say that has been helpful so far (just haven't met someone who means as much to me as her yet), but it's not hurting, so I'm going with it.

 

I agree with everything but your closure comment. You HAVE your closure. DISINTEREST towards you IS closure. Accept that and move on.

 

Good luck.