Is it OK for my wife to have male friends? What are your thoughts?

[hammyy2k]

sorry have not read your OP

 

the thing is that i always believe when a husband or wife raises a red flag and asks his/her spouse to stay clear from 'friends'

 

i do believe that male and female friendship is possible but with limits, and i believe some co friendships can develop into attraction and its very lethal for marriage

Edited August 6, 2017 by hammyy2k

[sandylee1]

Why not suggest you and your wife meet up with her old friend and his wife?

 

I honestly feel it's your issue though. It's not unusual to reconnect with old friends. I recently reconnected with a friend I hadn't seen for 18 years. She's female as I am, but I could have connected with an old male friend in the same way. ...with no ulterior motive.

 

Are you generally insecure?

[dichotomy]

1) Be more secure and confident around your wife. One - its more attractive and healthier for you. Two - it actually lessens your chanced of her cheating.Three - it will make it easier to find out if she ever does cross the line.Some ways to help this (be more confident) are for YOU to get our and make some new friends and social groups on your own - improve you. Group exercise classes (yoga, martial arts, etc) or maybe some club or groups with men and women in them.

 

2) Cheating can be having sex, but it also crosses a line often before there is sex - usually emotional cheating. A shared intimacy about their feelings, thoughts, or about their marriages that should NOT be discussed with a person of the opposite sex. I myself have occasionally had to check what I say about my wife or marriage to some female friends of mine - including an old female friend.

 

3) Trust but verify. Start acting all confident (see #1 above)...and keep an eye on her for a while. Basically monitor her communications on the computer or phone or what ever - spy on her.

 

I am reasonably sure if you started talking or hanging out with a few women - maybe an old female friend from way back - your wife may grow insecure as well. Human nature and human protection of their mate. Normal.

 

As someone who has been cheated on in both my marriages - and who reads many stories here on Loveshack please carefully consider my advice.

[d0nnivain]

There is balance to be had in everything.

 

Above board friendships include the spouse & are not secretive. The problems come in when the spouse spends too much time with the opposite sex friends & little to no time in the marriage. If that is the case, there is a problem & more investigation is needed.

 

If she's mothering the 19 year old & double dating the other guy & his wife with you, simmer down. If you are being kept away . . . pay close attention & start insisting that you meet & interact with the guy.

 

Last night my husband & I went to the 50th birthday party of a guy I have known since the 10th grade. We traveled with him earlier this year. He & DH have become friends. When we all attended a wedding together in June I ended up dancing more with my buddy then DH because my buddy's GF didn't come to the wedding & DH hates to dance. Everybody was happy.

 

It's not the gender or the interaction per se that is the problem. It's how they interact. Trust but keep your eyes open.

[road]

I'd worry about both. Every male 19 year old's fantasy is to bag a MILF. And the normal way they do it is to act sensitive with these older females. And how do they do that? They confide in them about their relationships with their gfs. And it works.

 

And the other guy....you need to stop that one immediately. Reconnecting with a childhood friend of the opposite sex many years later is an A waiting to happen.

 

When in a relationship your wife/GF or husband/BF is the

only opposite sex friend that you need.

 

You are right to be concerned for I have seen too many affairs

start this way.

[road]

Women love male friends. It's the one we do not mention to you, the person you never heard of, that you should worry about.

 

Just send the guy a friend request. You will have your answer.

 

Worse is when the WW stops telling you about this man friend.

Every time when WW acts as if this friend fell off the end of the

earth is when she started banging him.

[Overtaxed]

Women love male friends. It's the one we do not mention to you, the person you never heard of, that you should worry about.

 

Just send the guy a friend request. You will have your answer.

 

Yes, women do love male friends. But men do not, in general, like women friends unless they are trying to sleep with them. So, IMHO, regardless of the W's intention, if the man is "friends" with my W because he's hoping to sleep with her, I'm really not OK with that. And, frankly, a female/male friendship is almost always going to be lopsided. The man is hoping for sex, and the woman can take advantage of that to dump on the man, either emotionally, work related, or tasks where she needs help. The term that most men use is "emotional tampon", and it's very common in male/female "friendships". IMHO, the only way this works is if there's absolutely no sexual interest from the man towards the woman. Like a 20 year old man with a 70 year old woman. Otherwise the sexual interest will always be there from the man, and the "friendship" is really just a prelude to sex (in the man's mind).

[standtall]

Rough...I have been married for 21 yrs with 3 kids, we have a great relationship, and I can tell you that my wife would find it highly inappropriate to have male finds has you have described, and she would not disrespect me in that manner. IMHO, men and women cannot be casual friends during younger years...there is always some kind of sexual tension and one will want more than the other. She is playing with fire in your marriage.

[Whatnotagain]

In my own personal experience, these opposite sex friendships that do not include you the spouse, will end badly for you. If you are not friends with this guy (the older one, the old friend) then your wife ought not be either. She is communicating with him and unwilling to discuss with you what the two of them are discussing; this is a big red flag. Is she comfortable with you being around her when she is communicating with him on the phone or does she only do it when you are not around. Would she be comfortable with you reading their email or text exchanges? How much time per day is she spending communicating with this old friend in comparison to the time she spends communicating with you? These are all questions you should ask yourself and discuss with her. A wife should not spend more time or attention on another man than she does on you. You come first. I also disagree with what someone else said previously that because she is telling you about him there is no danger.

 

Unfortunately if this continues in the manner in which it is now we will likely see you posting in the Infidelity forum one day.

[Doorstopper]

There is one important questions about the long distance relationship that I have not seen asked:

 

Does the other man's wife know about the relationship and how often they are talking to each other?

 

A NO is cause for immediate concern. It could be innocent for your wife, but not necessarily for him.

 

A second cause for concern is that she has apparently developed 2 close male relationships recently, where it sounds like there were previously none.

 

I have to admit, I'd have a hard time with this, though my wife was in an emotional affair. Still, talking to someone every single day is a very close relationship.... and possibly on the verge of being too close.

Edited August 10, 2017 by Doorstopper

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, it's been a week since Doorstopper asked the OP a question but he has not returned to answer it or post updates. So the thing is was he really serious about his concerns? I hope he does return if for no other reason then to tell everyone that his concerns have been addressed and he is happy. Warm wishes.

[knabe]

Hi Folks, it's been a week since Doorstopper asked the OP a question but he has not returned to answer it or post updates. So the thing is was he really serious about his concerns? I hope he does return if for no other reason then to tell everyone that his concerns have been addressed and he is happy. Warm wishes.

 

Isn't this the moderator's job?

[road]

Hi Folks, it's been a week since Doorstopper asked the OP a question but he has not returned to answer it or post updates. So the thing is was he really serious about his concerns? I hope he does return if for no other reason then to tell everyone that his concerns have been addressed and he is happy. Warm wishes.

 

Isn't this the moderator's job?

 

I see nothing wrong with the first quote.