startinganew777 Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 So my wedding is coming up soon and I have 4 bridesmaids. Three of them live in town and one of them moved about 3 or 4 hours away. We are pretty close and she mentioned she would love to be involved in the wedding so I chose her as a bridesmaid. I was going to chose her anyways but I was glad she was so excited to be involved on my special day. Now my maid of honor has been trying to work with her and the other bridesmaids on everything. Since this one bridesmaid lives out of town, they have been asking her for dates that would work for her and trying really hard to accommodate her. Anyways, she keeps telling the maid of honor she can't commit to anything and she is really hard to get a hold of. She also has been complaining to me on costs for the shower coming up. That she can't afford it. Ummmm, it is $35 per bridesmaid!!! It isn't like they are asking her to pay hundreds of dollars for this shower. She complains to me about it and then goes and buys a $900 new iphone and buys her 6 year old daughter a brand new Trek bike! So it isn't like she doesn't have money but is complaining about a measly $35!!! She hasn't helped the other bridesmaid plan anything and she told me she won't be coming to the bachelorette party because she will want to go to bed at 10 anyways. Now she is saying she probably won't make the shower either even though she has a free place to stay and has known the date for months in advance. They tried to make it easy for her and just have her plan one game for the shower but nothing, she came up with nothing. I now regret choosing her as a bridesmaid and I'm really sick of hearing her complain to me about money all the time! Ummm, hello! I'm paying for my wedding! I have enough financial issues to worry about, I don't need anymore stress listening to her complain about money. I'm just venting really but really disappointed in this bridesmaid and how she isn't involved or helping the others out at all. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 I'd just let the other bridesmaids go ahead and plan. And if it were me, I'd tell her that it appears that being a part of your wedding seems to be a hardship for her at this time, and she is freed from the burden, but you'd love to have her as a guest. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author startinganew777 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 I would but she did already buy her dress. My wedding is just a couple months away. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 I would but she did already buy her dress. My wedding is just a couple months away. What's the timespan between the shower and the wedding? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 She agreed to be a bridesmaid. That obligates her to show up on the appointed day wearing the dress you selected. That is all she is responsible for. If she doesn't want to pay for the shower or get you a gift or even attend it, she is not obligated to. Yes, it would be lovely if she did all these things but you can't force her. Stop making yourself stressed. Tell the other BMs to keep her in the info loop but not to expect anything from her. If she comes or pays great but assume she won't. Even if she bows out of the wedding party, let her. You will still marry the man of your dreams & live happily ever after whether she's there or not. Focus on the important stuff. If she's really disappointing you let the friendship slide after this but really stop sweating the small stuff, like her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author startinganew777 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 What's the timespan between the shower and the wedding? It is 3 months Link to post Share on other sites
Author startinganew777 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 (edited) I just wish she would stop bitching to me. I don't want to hear it. She has been really selfish lately, constantly talking about her life and hasn't once asked how I'm doing, how the wedding planning is, if I need any help, ect. She just isn't acting like the friend I thought she was. She went thru some rough times a couple years back and I have ALWAYS been there for her. She was so excited to be apart of this wedding, now it just seems like she could care less. I hardly even talk to her, and when I do, it is her complaining about something. It is almost like she can't be happy for me. When good things happen in my life, she disappears. It is weird. Edited August 4, 2017 by startinganew777 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 It's hard. You are so excited about getting married. (At least I was). When my childhood BFFs weren't over-the-moon with me, I was heartbroken. I felt like I squealed & squeed & did all the bridesmaid stuff I was supposed to do for them, why weren't they here for me? I never said anything because . . . well you can't. Let her drift out of your life. When you release the negative stuff, it will be easier to have fun during this exciting time in your life. If you still feel like you need some sense slapped into yourself to get your misbehaved BM out of your head, check out the wedding website The Knot. Those B!tches are MEAN. Link to post Share on other sites
Author startinganew777 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 Haha! I will have to check it out! LOL You're right. I shouldn't let it bother me. The other BMs have been awesome, always offering help, throwing me some kick ass parties coming up and we are always in constant contact and they are very involved. I think next time she texts me to complain about money, I will just tell her to discuss with other BMs as I'm dealing with my own financial stuff paying for this wedding. Other than that, I'm just going to try and let it go. She if she steps up at all. If not, I will know that it is probably time to just let her go. She is so negative all the time and just brings me down. I don't need that in my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 If she's not married & doesn't have a steady BF who is thinking about popping the Q, some of it could be jealousy too. I had to work hard at times to keep a smile on my face when everybody was getting married & I wasn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author startinganew777 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 She is married and has 3 kids, just bought a new house, her and her husband have awesome jobs, seems like she has a good life to me but she is so negative, she always finds something to complain about. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 She is married and has 3 kids, just bought a new house, her and her husband have awesome jobs, seems like she has a good life to me but she is so negative, she always finds something to complain about. Well, you also don't know what's going on behind closed doors either. Maybe she's having trouble being happy for you because her husband cheated, or one of her kids was just diagnosed with ADHD, or they're so far in debt she's embarrassed to admit it, or her husband is giving her a hard time about all of the travel, time away from kids, cost of dress, etc.. You just don't know. You certainly have no obligation to keep negative people in your life. And I'd be willing to bet the majority of brides would not rate every single one of their bridesmaids as a 10 out of 10. So, she's the dud! Try to just focus on the other girls, your future husband, and your big day, and let go of what is "fair" or "unfair." Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Just curious, OP....how many weddings have you been in? Link to post Share on other sites
Author startinganew777 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 She tells me everything, as far as I know. And when she has problems, believe me, I hear all about it. So I don't know what is going on. It is just like she takes everything that is going on in my life and turns it into something negative. Example, we want to have kids. We will both be 38 this December. She won't stop telling me how risky it is to have kids at that age, all the things that could happen, how we just met too late in life to have a family, ect. It just really brings me down. Or how expensive a family is, how we probably can't afford it with what we make, she just goes on and on and never has anything good to say about getting married, starting a life together, having kids. My fiancé got a HUGE raise and instead of being happy for us, she said well, just expect that raise to go right to a new house or kids, you guys won't even notice the extra money once the money goes towards that. And I have been in 4 weddings and have always chipped in for showers, parties, whatever. I have done whatever I could to help out. And I have had to pay WAY more than $35 for a shower. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 She tells me everything, as far as I know. And when she has problems, believe me, I hear all about it. So I don't know what is going on. It is just like she takes everything that is going on in my life and turns it into something negative. Example, we want to have kids. We will both be 38 this December. She won't stop telling me how risky it is to have kids at that age, all the things that could happen, how we just met too late in life to have a family, ect. It just really brings me down. Or how expensive a family is, how we probably can't afford it with what we make, she just goes on and on and never has anything good to say about getting married, starting a life together, having kids. My fiancé got a HUGE raise and instead of being happy for us, she said well, just expect that raise to go right to a new house or kids, you guys won't even notice the extra money once the money goes towards that. And I have been in 4 weddings and have always chipped in for showers, parties, whatever. I have done whatever I could to help out. And I have had to pay WAY more than $35 for a shower. LOL LOL she sounds exhausting!!! My sister has an acquaintance like this and she actually had to hide her posts on FB because she was such a Debby Downer. She'd post things like, "it was the perfect day for a baseball game....not a cloud in the sky and no humidity! But of COURSE Junior had to step in a huge mud puddle on the way into the park! UGH!" LOL....some people will just never NOT complain. I was a bridesmaid 13 times before I got married....and I got married at 23. It was exhausting in every way, especially financially, but I was a recent college grad, not in the situation it sounds like your friend is in. Maybe you should just be thankful she's staying out of it as much as she is.....she could really put a damper on the shower and the bachelorette party if she showed up! Do any of the other bridesmaids have kids/families? How does she feel about her body? I've had two kids and I have a friend who is getting married for the first time this fall (age 46) and I told her, "you better not ask me to be a bridesmaid!" I don't want to wear the dress and be in front of a room of people! (She's not having any bridesmaids as it turns out). Link to post Share on other sites
Author startinganew777 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 LOL she sounds exhausting!!! My sister has an acquaintance like this and she actually had to hide her posts on FB because she was such a Debby Downer. She'd post things like, "it was the perfect day for a baseball game....not a cloud in the sky and no humidity! But of COURSE Junior had to step in a huge mud puddle on the way into the park! UGH!" LOL....some people will just never NOT complain. I was a bridesmaid 13 times before I got married....and I got married at 23. It was exhausting in every way, especially financially, but I was a recent college grad, not in the situation it sounds like your friend is in. Maybe you should just be thankful she's staying out of it as much as she is.....she could really put a damper on the shower and the bachelorette party if she showed up! Do any of the other bridesmaids have kids/families? How does she feel about her body? I've had two kids and I have a friend who is getting married for the first time this fall (age 46) and I told her, "you better not ask me to be a bridesmaid!" I don't want to wear the dress and be in front of a room of people! (She's not having any bridesmaids as it turns out). Yes! That is exactly how she is! She will find something negative in every single situation! Drives me bonkers because I'm pretty optimistic. She has always been like that but lately, well since she moved, it has gotten a lot worse. The maid of honor just got married in the spring, the other bridesmaid is married and has 2 kids and the other is going thru a divorce. As far as I know, she has no body issues. She never has talked about that and she looks good to me. Especially having 3 kids, not overweight or underweight. So it can't be that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 startinganew, I'd feel the same way about your depressing bridesmaid as you do in your situation! Although it seems as if she has an awesome life a happy person doesn't behave the way you describe her as behaving! Not suggesting you do this but in your place I'd be tempted to ask her if she's having second thoughts about being in the wedding and if she answers in the affirmative I might ask her if she'd like to opt out. If she's a popular size someone else may be able to wear her bridesmaid's dress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
InvisiBlonde Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I think next time she texts me to complain about money, I will just tell her to discuss with other BMs as I'm dealing with my own financial stuff paying for this wedding. Other than that, I'm just going to try and let it go. She if she steps up at all. If not, I will know that it is probably time to just let her go. She is so negative all the time and just brings me down. I don't need that in my life. How much did the bridesmaid dress / gown cost? I'd just send her a check or money order -- something traceable -- for whatever that is along with a note: "I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties. I feel just terrible about the extra financial burden you're having to shoulder as my bridesmaid. I feel even worse knowing that you feel obligated to continue doing so, and I just can't do that to a friend. I hope your situation improves soon." It's your wedding. Why spend a quark of energy even ignoring this girl? I see a ghosting, or a hijacking, or some other nonsense, even if it's "only" her sitting there with a puss on all night. It's also, FWIW, unfair to the rest of your girls. She shoulda said she couldn't do it from the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
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