Calling OW/Female APs who were finally dumped by text - How did it make you feel?

[Hbroken]

My AP (woman in a committed relationship) of 5 years recently broke up with her BF. During our A, we provided a lot of support and comfort to each other emotionally and i also provided her a lot of emotional support when she was contemplating leaving her BF. A few weeks after she left her BF, she one day texted me thanking for all my help and support over the past 5 years and dumped me.

5 years of my investment in her summarised in 5 lines of text and that was it!

In any case i had little option but to accept and wish her well. Now she has gone i feel so so sad about how it ended. I had hoped she would have had the courage to call me and speak to me - i feel i was owed that after 5 years... and consequently i lost a considerable amount of self esteem. I am slowly trying to build myself up and of course have maintained NC.

 

I wanted to ask the women out there - Am i justified in feeling like i do?

If a woman does something like this, the common response is that she did it because she didnt trust herself to do it any other way

But how would you feel if a man did it to you - after you'd invested several years of your life in them?

[Chica80]

Whenever we tried to "talk" NC in person or on phone didnt really work out....so I imagine a simple text although painful might be "easier"

[elaine567]

Dumping by text has become very common.

Dumping is never easy and text provides a very neat way of getting the message across without having to engage in real life with a person who may be angry, upset, crying, distressed, distraught, argumentative, aggressive or even violent on hearing the news.

Text introduces distance and for some that is exactly what they want.

They do not want to discuss it or argue about it, or worse still be persuaded to give it another go, they just want it over with, nothing more to be said, done and dusted - finito.

[Southwardbound]

My AP (woman in a committed relationship) of 5 years recently broke up with her BF. <snip>

 

I wanted to ask the women out there - Am i justified in feeling like i do?

If a woman does something like this, the common response is that she did it because she didnt trust herself to do it any other way

But how would you feel if a man did it to you - after you'd invested several years of your life in them?

 

There's no doubt that just getting a text message is a horrible way to end an affair. I'd give her a bit of time. Having multiple relationships going on at the same time is difficult. Ending one relationship, and knowing/ maybe thinking the other one is never going to lead to anything, either (that is if your not willing to leave your W) is also heartbreaking. Maybe the breakup is causing her to reevaluate all of her current situations making her look internally at what SHE really wants/needs/ desires for her life? Give her some space to make those decisions for herself. You can always text her to let her know your there if she wishes to talk. Try to remember a 'relationship' even if it is an A isn't always about just you, the MM.

Edited August 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Hbroken]

There's no doubt that just getting a text message is a horrible way to end an affair. I'd give her a bit of time. Having multiple relationships going on at the same time is difficult. Ending one relationship, and knowing/ maybe thinking the other one is never going to lead to anything, either (that is if your not willing to leave your W) is also heartbreaking. Maybe the breakup is causing her to reevaluate all of her current situations making her look internally at what SHE really wants/needs/ desires for her life? Give her some space to make those decisions for herself. You can always text her to let her know your there if she wishes to talk. Try to remember a 'relationship' even if it is an A isn't always about just you, the MM.

 

thank you. Another really helpful reply. Id just like to say though that when you are going through the grieving process, there are so many emotions including anger.... i understand that a relationship is not just about one person... but that kind of rationality gets lost when one is in the immediate aftermath of something like this. I have no intention of contacting her. If someday our paths cross, i would like to tell her that i didnt deserve the brutal ending and i was disappointed in her. If our paths never cross, so be it... ill just have to deal with it (and i guess by posting on here is one way of dealing with it)

[Hbroken]

Dumping by text has become very common.

Dumping is never easy and text provides a very neat way of getting the message across without having to engage in real life with a person who may be angry, upset, crying, distressed, distraught, argumentative, aggressive or even violent on hearing the news.

Text introduces distance and for some that is exactly what they want.

They do not want to discuss it or argue about it, or worse still be persuaded to give it another go, they just want it over with, nothing more to be said, done and dusted - finito.

 

i understand...10 days later she came up to speak to me as if we were good friends! Felt crappy.... i wish i had had the strength at that time to tell her to go away and leave me alone but i didnt want to sound bitter.. now i regret it:-(

[elaine567]

f someday our paths cross, i would like to tell her that i didnt deserve the brutal ending and i was disappointed in her.

 

There is never a good way of ending a relationship, it is always pretty brutal when you sit alone afterwards and it hits you that it is actually all over.

All the hugs, platitudes and soothing words in a "nice" break up mean nothing really in the cold light of day.

[sandylee1]

Dumping by text is used when you don't want drama to creep in... Which can be the case with affairs.

 

It takes the emotion out of it... Your voice doesn't have to waiver... Your pain doesn't show... It avoids that face to face meeting.

 

[]

Edited August 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Tangentially topical content retained

[freengreen]

You sound very similar to Crushedandlost... check out his thread, it might say what you want to hear

 

Being dumped by text is THE worst thing EVER. But in affairs all good things are bad and all bad things are blessings in disguise. []

 

Good luck.

Edited August 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Tangentially topical content retained

[misspalmy]

I wish i got a text. ex mm wouldnt talk to me after,

[MidnightBlue1980]

I wish i got a text. ex mm wouldnt talk to me after,

 

Yeah I have to agree. Men tend not to have to courage and decisiveness to even send a text. They generally just blow you off, ignore you and assume you will figure it out eventually.

[jenkins95]

...in affairs all good things are bad and all bad things are blessings in disguise.

 

(((freengreen))) what a wonderful turn of phrase!

 

My quote of the week!

[jenkins95]

i wish it were so easy... the wounds are fresh and raw... thousands of differenr emotions to go through in a day...

I could be texting her everything going through my mind..begging her when i feel low, making her feel bad when i feel angry etc but i doubt that would be a good idea..instead i post here.

It is not a half hearted approach.... i have gone NC... i am working with a counsellor... i am thinking about confessing....i wouldnt want to get into another affair and i wouldnt want to be an unhappy marriage if working at it doesnt improve matters... these are all things that i would never even thought about 6 weeks ago! I dont think it is half hearted -- i think it is 2 steps forward, and 1 step backward when my grief hits....the idea that a person can shut grief out and purely concentrate on his marriage within 6 weeks of an affair lasting 5 years with no D day is naive.

 

Understandable response to an excellent post from Itstartsfromwithin.

 

My affair was shorter, but feelings were involved and I was very mixed up at the end, not really knowing what I wanted so I do understand where you are coming from.

 

You are absolutely right - you can't just switch off the feelings for the other person overnight, it's impossible and a certain amount of pining and obsessive thinking is inevitable. But even very early on, you should have a good idea whether you ultimately want to work on the marriage or not.

 

In my case, I wanted to work on the marriage but accepted that my head would be all over the place for a while, which it was for about three months. Positive signs I took early on that I was doing the right thing: -

 

1. I still felt love for my wife even though it had become hidden and distorted by the A.

 

2. There was nothing fundamentally wrong with my M before the affair.

 

3. I realised the A was largely a fantasy.

 

4. Whilst I wasn't immediately clear if I really wanted my marriage to work, I wanted to want it, if that makes sense! That early, even wanting it as a secondary desire felt like a good sign, and the primary desire soon followed.

 

Allow yourself a short time to obsess over the affair and get it out of your head, grieve, pine, etc. ask so the questions you like on here, etc. Then at some point you need to turn it around, put the A behind you and put all your energy into the marriage. Stating the obvious I know! Just wanted you to know that I understand because I've been there.

 

Good luck!

[William]

OK, since the polite directives from LoveShack's other moderators aren't doing the trick, I'm going to return to my old method of processing out members for refusing to address the topic or adding anti-affair rhetoric to posts on a specific topic, here being an affair partner dumped via text.

 

Thread starter, if you wish to seek more input from OW/female affair partners who were finally dumped via text, please alert on this post and make the request to reopen the thread. There was content deleted that could be relevant to other threads by yourself and that content was returned to the members for their consideration to post where it is topical. For now the thread remains closed pending your request.

Edited August 5, 2017 by William
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