He has gone and I need insight.

[elsiejane]

Hi. I had a year long emotional affair with a man I loved very much. We were both married at the time, me for 25 years, him for 7 ( his second marriage - no children). It was very intense. We started as friends, it developed over a long period of time, we fell in love. We both had issues ( not sure if mine had an easily defined label but he had PTSD (combat-related) and we talked, and talked and talked and provided each other with the emotional support we had both been lacking all our lives. I would use the term soulmate but I am aware what a cliché it is. We also had fun and were passionate about each other. The platonic nature came from my instance that I couldn't deceive my husband in that way (ironic, I know). Although my marriage was emotionally over years ago, my husband wasn't a bad man and I didn't want to hurt him.

 

My 'soulmate' was keen to leave his wife to be with me. Although I was cautious, we made plans. But plans were disrupted when his wife found out. That same night, I told my husband about the affair and left him, apologising for the hurt I had caused him. My grown up children were shocked but, actually quite supportive.

 

My affair partner and I essentially ran away and spent a week together. During this time, he had messages from all his family, who seemed to universally despise him for what he had done. My affair partner's wife told everyone - his mother, his sister, his children from his former marriage and his friends.

 

Then he told me that he couldn't live with himself and had to go and 'make things right' with everyone. I was devastated but I let him go and decided to go NC.

 

A few weeks later he got back in touch. We resumed contact for a month, making plans again. Then he broke it off again saying he was going to make a go of his marriage. He told me he loved me, always would, was heartbroken but he couldn't live with the hurt he was causing.

 

Ten weeks later, back in contact although this time no plans for the future, just a sense of sadness, loss, despair. While we were in contact during this period I told him that we needed to stop this cycle. While he was with his wife, we couldn't be in contact. It's not fair on anyone.

 

We live miles apart and hadn't seen each other since D-day so I suggested that we should meet, talk about things face to face, as opposed to messaging, just to see if we might have a future but then this yo-yoing had to stop. He agreed. He told me loved me, he always would, and that he missed me desperately and we would talk the next day. I haven't heard from him since ( 11 weeks). Essentially, I have been ghosted.

 

I am not naïve. I know I should move on and I am trying but this isn't a clear cut case of him freely choosing his wife over me. He is damaged psychologically. The PTSD causes immense guilt and shame which I believe were the deciding factors over why he left.

 

I know that if you love someone, you would move mountains to be with them, which is what I told him. But is this really the case when you have something as emotionally debilitating as PTSD? He is crippled by guilt. I love him and I am worried about him. I know he had absolutely no emotional support from his family and wife.

 

I am torn between the need to find out how he is and some answers as to why he just cut me off, or to just eliminate him from my thoughts and move on. Finding it so very hard... and need some objective advice. Thanks x

[elaine567]

If you read some of the stories here, yours, where you have a yoyo-ing MM, is not an uncommon one and most of the MM involved do not have PTSD, so I would be wary of putting too much store on that excuse.

 

MM do a cost benefit analysis and weigh up the advantages/disadvantages and very often come to the conclusion that the OW vs all the trappings of marriage is a no contest and the so the OW needs to go.

[BaileyB]

Assuming that he has chosen to stay with his wife, what is your plan?

[misspalmy]

Hes just playing you both, you and the wife,

 

you should tell the wife that will get him out your life for good. hes playing plays thats what they do.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Even if he'd left his wife and stayed with you, think about it. He has ptsd, has been married twice before you, and he cheats. All three of those things are red flags, imo. Being married twice in and of itself may not be a problem. But, it could be, especially when combined with cheating on second wife.

 

I know when you're deeply emotionally involved with someone it's hard to see the facts for what they obviously are. But, you probably dodged a bullet on this one.

 

You're here to process your emotions. Good for you! So sorry, though, that your long term marriage broke up over this. Are you processing regret about that?

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

You're right that PTSD is affecting his choices... however i find it somewhat perplexing that you think the choice to reconcile with his wife is a poor choice due to the ptsd, whilst the choice to get involved with you isn't in question....

 

Did you consider that the affair was in fact a side effect of his "psychological damage" and PTSD?

 

He's a grown man. He's made his choice. 11 weeks is long enough for you to understand that... leave the man alone and move on.

[elsiejane]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I think his whole life post the event has been driven by his PTSD. I know that his behaviour - the yo-yoing is indicative of men in affairs. I know what I should do and most of the time I am on that track. I don't regret leaving my husband at all. It was over and this affair was a catalyst for me to act. I regret hurting him, of course and have done what I can to make reparations in that regard but there's no going back.

 

I have embarked on what I call my mid life crisis road trip - and have a lot of time to think. Yes - I know deep down that I 'dodged a bullet'. I didn't want him to leave his wife for me anyway. I want him to do what's right for him. We were very close and I miss him and feel very alone at times and that's why I still keep having these moments of wanting to reach out to him, even though my rational self says it's the wrong thing to do.

 

I just wish I could understand what was going on in his mind. Why he just 'abandoned' me. If he had told me in no uncertain terms that it was over, and he needed to concentrate on repairing his marriage, I think I would have accepted it. But where there are gaps, your mind tries to fill them. Did his wife find out again? Did things kick off? Did she threaten something? Or was it simply a case of him making the definite choice that he needed to move on with his life with his wife? I just want answers but will probably never know and that is what is so very difficult. If there were answers, I would probably not be faltering like this.

[BaileyB]

Perhaps, you need to make your peace with the fact that there are no answers,mis your answer. Does that make any sense?

 

Yes, it would have been the right thing to do to have one final conversation and end it properly. But, he hasn't been able to do that. He has come and gone from your life a few times. Ghosting is cowardly thing to do... He has gone and he has not given you the courtesy of an explaination. You really have dodged a bullet.

 

What is that old saying - some people to come into your life for a little while and some people to stay. Perhaps, he has served his purpose. You needed to leave your marriage and he gave you the strength to do that. Be grateful for that and move on... He (and this relationship) is not healthy and you deserve so much more for your life. It's time to get square with yourself, learn what you want for your life, and then go about finding it...

 

Good luck!

Edited August 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

He told me loved me, he always would, and that he missed me desperately and we would talk the next day. I haven't heard from him since ( 11 weeks). Essentially, I have been ghosted.

 

I guess he didn't have a lot more to say to you really as he had already told you the gist of it, but it is all immaterial as he went back to his wife anyway.

 

I love you so much but I love my wife, my kids, my life, my money, my house, my garden and my dog more... it just doesn't really cut it does it? and telling you that face to face is not what many want to do.

He doesn't want to see your disappointment, your upset, your anger, or any other emotion you may want to throw at him, so he takes the easy way out and doesn't show.

 

It is very hard, but when someone leaves there are NO answers that truly soothe the one left grieving, the only thing they want to hear is that the one who left is coming back, it will all get back to normal, and life is happy again...

 

YOU will falter for a while, but you will pick yourself back up, see this man for who he truly was and you will Thank God that you got out of it and that he is not your problem any longer...

[jenkins95]

I guess he didn't have a lot more to say to you really as he had already told you the gist of it, but it is all immaterial as he went back to his wife anyway.

 

I love you so much but I love my wife, my kids, my life, my money, my house, my garden and my dog more... it just doesn't really cut it does it? and telling you that face to face is not what many want to do.

He doesn't want to see your disappointment, your upset, your anger, or any other emotion you may want to throw at him, so he takes the easy way out and doesn't show.

 

It is very hard, but when someone leaves there are NO answers that truly soothe the one left grieving, the only thing they want to hear is that the one who left is coming back, it will all get back to normal, and life is happy again...

 

YOU will falter for a while, but you will pick yourself back up, see this man for who he truly was and you will Thank God that you got out of it and that he is not your problem any longer...

 

Elaine. This! This a thousand times.

 

This is it in a nutshell. And you WILL get past this!

 

Good luck.

[elsiejane]

Thank you. I will pick myself up. Some days I think about him and see him for the coward he is. Other times I miss him dreadfully and start dreaming about what could have been.

 

On a different note. I know quite a few psychologists, some of whom have given me insight. One told me that these type of intense relationships where you feel like you're connected / soulmates etc are actually a sign that you have found something in this other person that is missing in yourself, something of your personality that might have been lost along the path of life. The key is to work out what that was / is, and go and find it in yourself, and not to look for it in others.

[BTDT2012]

He didn't suggest meeting, you did. He's not 'forced' to stay with his wife, for whatever reason, he chose her. Are you still with your husband?

[Southern Sun]

I can't tell you for sure what is going on in his mind, but as a former MW who had an affair, and then decided to end it to recommit to her M, I can say it is not that he just "abandoned" you...he had to make a choice. And if he is a decent human being, he WILL honor his commitment to his M and stay away from you. At the VERY LEAST, he will stay away long enough to honorably divorce his wife before coming back to you. At the least.

 

Remaining in an affair is all about thinking you don't have to make a choice. And you can maintain that fantasy as long as nobody knows. But there was a D-Day. His wife knows. He had to face reality. He has obviously tried to come back and done the yo-yo thing and you KNOW it is miserable. It is always miserable trying to have it both ways.

 

Just imagine if instead of choosing his marriage, he had chosen you. Because he had to choose, it needed to go one way or the other (or I suppose he could have chosen neither). Trying to maintain both after the D-Day would only further illustrate his selfishness. At least see this determination on his part as something respectable about him, even though it wasn't you. And know that his feelings for you didn't change overnight. He just realized that he couldn't walk away from ALL the things in the family corner for the one thing in your corner. Even if he had strong feelings. Especially not in the aftermath of D-Day destruction. It is my belief that having the affair and getting caught actually makes it MORE likely for people to stay in marriages that they THINK they might want to leave, because NOW they think they are obligated and they need to 'do this right.'

 

However, in your case...this is a man on his second marriage and he's still not happy. Most likely, he will never be satisfied with what he's been given. He will always look for the next thing, and even if he's with you, he'll be onto the next, having some affair with another woman, claiming PTSD.

 

So, be gracious and let him go. And when he tries to come back (because he will, when he's hurting or lonely), tell him to go home to his wife and honor that commitment. Because you've moved on.

[elsiejane]

The meeting was a mutual suggestion. He told me that we should talk properly face to face and not just on the phone or through texting. I told him to suggest a time and place.

 

Yes - I am all too aware he has made his choice. As I said, it's the lack of explanation I find difficult. Obviously I can't list everything that was said and done throughout our relationship here and it's easy to make judgements and comments from an outside perspective but there was a lot more to it. He was always the one who was insistent about us making a life together. Without going into detail, he had previously proved through actions that he meant what he said on several occasions. But when D-day happened, obviously the reality of the situation struck and he couldn't live with the hurt he was causing so I got thrown under the bus. He actually told me to go back to my husband. I told him there was no chance of that happening. That everything had changed, regardless of whatever he was going to do. I absolutely refuse to believe he was playing me along intentionally. I'm no idiot - I have been around the block and actually quite cynical about people. This has obviously made me moreso and I find myself withdrawing from people increasingly, unfortunately.

[elsiejane]

I suppose I should add that his wife from his first marriage left him for another man, as oppose to him instigating it. When one says 'second marriage', people often assume that it is through choice.

[Southern Sun]

I have no opinion about whether he was playing you. In fact, I fully believe his feelings were likely real for him.

 

About his first wife leaving him, that is irrelevant. Keep in mind too, that there are reasons for these things. Perhaps she just up and left him one day, but he might also have contributed to the demise of the relationship.

 

The main thing you need to grasp is, when the rubber hit the road, the reality of everything overwhelmed him. He saw the pain he caused his wife and it was way more than he could have imagined. He probably feels a great deal of shame and guilt. Men typically feel very obligated towards their family and have a sense of duty, to them, their community, their reputation, financial commitments, etc. I believe you said there are children involved as well. It just was bigger than he imagined.

 

I would understand it from that POV. If he deals with it honorably and THEN comes back to you, you can take it from there.

[LivingWaterPlease]

elsiejane, I can understand how difficult it must be for you to feel you were thrown under the bus and to have him disappear without an explanation to you so that you could have closure.

 

Perhaps you've already thought of what I'm going to write, but I just want to mention that because he has Ptsd he may not be emotionally, and possibly even physically, able to meet with you or talk with you on the phone to explain things to you and give you closure.

 

Having anxiety and/or depression can render a person incapable of functioning.

 

I'd guess he's challenged to deal with his life now that he's also dealing with the fallout from his A. His psyche is on overload and it's most likely all he can do to function well enough to get through each day.

 

I'm not telling you this to encourage you that he would leave if he could. I'm trying to let you know that Ptsd, depending on the degree a person has it, can cause a person to not be able to function normally.

 

Right now, he needs healing from his Ptsd. He's probably not competent enough to even have a normal relationship with a woman and may be dependent on his wife to provide the stability in his life he needs.

 

I'm editing this to include that I believe he'll be back in touch with you when he gets things to where he believes they're under control. I worded it, "where he believes they're under control" because he'll probably be in touch with you before things are truly under control. But, he may believe them to be.

Edited August 5, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[elsiejane]

The last month while we were communicating he was starting to worry me because he said he was a train wreck mentally, didn't know which way to turn, felt 'adrift' form everyone like he was observing and not part of his own life and barely able to function. I tried to help but I suppose with me on the scene, he was never going to get out from this mindset but this is why I was worried when he just stopped contacting me. I still am to be honest but I know there's nothing I can do and that's very frustrating. He was my best friend and not being able to contact your best friend when you think they need help is very upsetting.

 

I know I have to move on. It's now been 8 months since I last saw him. I think I need to push myself to be more sociable as opposed to

spending lots of time thinking about what happened. I have always been a problem solver, and this is one problem that I can't solve. But thank you for your time and insight. It truly does help.

[LivingWaterPlease]

The last month while we were communicating he was starting to worry me because he said he was a train wreck mentally, didn't know which way to turn, felt 'adrift' form everyone like he was observing and not part of his own life and barely able to function. I tried to help but I suppose with me on the scene, he was never going to get out from this mindset but this is why I was worried when he just stopped contacting me. I still am to be honest but I know there's nothing I can do and that's very frustrating. He was my best friend and not being able to contact your best friend when you think they need help is very upsetting.

 

I know I have to move on. It's now been 8 months since I last saw him. I think I need to push myself to be more sociable as opposed to

spending lots of time thinking about what happened. I have always been a problem solver, and this is one problem that I can't solve. But thank you for your time and insight. It truly does help.

 

The thing that will help you to move on most is to see things as they are and not as you perceived them to be.

 

Although it seemed he was your best friend the truth is that he was partly responsible for putting you in the place you're in now, experiencing pain and confusion, which is not a friendly thing to do to another. When you really think about it, he was selfishly using you. Seems to me you're very fortunate to have him out of your life.