Growing resentment towards my husband

[Rareperidot]

My husband decided to start up a business four years ago... He spoke to me about it only after he had already decided in his head to go through with it. I didn't really feel I had much of a say in the matter and it was something he had dreamed of doing for a long time so how could I crush his dream. Now four years on with four young children I feel like I am a single parent.

I have had to put my returning to work on hold to let him work. I am now at a point where if I do not return to work I cannot maintain my current career and my husband is completely happy for me to let that side of me go... I am unsure our relationship can withstand us never having time together as a couple (we have a child with a chronic illness also) while I love the time I have with our children I am lonely.

He tells me how much he loves me and with each day I feel my responses becoming more and more hollow. He does work very hard trying to build the business and we are both exhausted. I am now questioning our relationship and whether it can last with me dealing with the children on my own and him working so hard and us never being alone to just talk calmly.

We moved an hour away from my family to be closer to his work and I am lonely. He works until after dark while he does help get the children off to school in the mornings, most days I feel like I am left to do every other job at home without help. Every time I try to bring any of these issues up with him he gets defensive saying he is working hard to make our life better, his responses are...why did you have children then? we can move! (any move would be left up to me and at the moment it all seems too hard.) I feel stuck!

I can't leave because I have no money saved of my own everything we had went into business startup and we don't make enough money to put extra aside for ourselves. When I was working we had disposable income. I feel I need to return to work so I can have the security of savings if I did decide to leave. My resentment towards him grows daily.

Only last week he told me a story of someone who had told him spending all of his time at work caused his wife to leave him and then said to me you have to let me know if you are felling that....I then said well I do feel it is not healthy for our relationship the way we are going. He then basically shut me down saying thanks, thanks a lot! Insinuating I am ungrateful for his efforts.

I just feel like no matter what I say it will always be seen as if I am attacking him and his efforts to build a better life for our family. How do I make things better between us when we have no time together as a couple. I feel the only time he makes for us to be alone is because he wants to be intimate but even that to me has become a chore! I find myself thinking it would be easier to find someone else for adult conversation/connection (not necessarily romantically) so then when my husband comes home from work I can leave him with the children and go and do something fun or just have an adult conversation. But I know this will not improve our relationship. I am so confused!

[wmacbride]

My husband decided to start up a business four years ago... He spoke to me about it only after he had already decided in his head to go through with it. I didn't really feel I had much of a say in the matter and it was something he had dreamed of doing for a long time so how could I crush his dream. Now four years on with four young children I feel like I am a single parent.

I have had to put my returning to work on hold to let him work. I am now at a point where if I do not return to work I cannot maintain my current career and my husband is completely happy for me to let that side of me go... I am unsure our relationship can withstand us never having time together as a couple (we have a child with a chronic illness also) while I love the time I have with our children I am lonely.

He tells me how much he loves me and with each day I feel my responses becoming more and more hollow. He does work very hard trying to build the business and we are both exhausted. I am now questioning our relationship and whether it can last with me dealing with the children on my own and him working so hard and us never being alone to just talk calmly.

We moved an hour away from my family to be closer to his work and I am lonely. He works until after dark while he does help get the children off to school in the mornings, most days I feel like I am left to do every other job at home without help. Every time I try to bring any of these issues up with him he gets defensive saying he is working hard to make our life better, his responses are...why did you have children then? we can move! (any move would be left up to me and at the moment it all seems too hard.) I feel stuck!

I can't leave because I have no money saved of my own everything we had went into business startup and we don't make enough money to put extra aside for ourselves. When I was working we had disposable income. I feel I need to return to work so I can have the security of savings if I did decide to leave. My resentment towards him grows daily.

Only last week he told me a story of someone who had told him spending all of his time at work caused his wife to leave him and then said to me you have to let me know if you are felling that....I then said well I do feel it is not healthy for our relationship the way we are going. He then basically shut me down saying thanks, thanks a lot! Insinuating I am ungrateful for his efforts.

I just feel like no matter what I say it will always be seen as if I am attacking him and his efforts to build a better life for our family. How do I make things better between us when we have no time together as a couple. I feel the only time he makes for us to be alone is because he wants to be intimate but even that to me has become a chore! I find myself thinking it would be easier to find someone else for adult conversation/connection (not necessarily romantically) so then when my husband comes home from work I can leave him with the children and go and do something fun or just have an adult conversation. But I know this will not improve our relationship. I am so confused!

 

 

Please, don't let your career fall by the wayside. You need it for the security of yourself, your children and even your husband too.

 

I was also a stay at home mm, and my kids have chronic health issues. I understand how it ca be so lonely and isolating, but remember, to be a good mom you have to also look after yourself. Not only that, you'll be setting an example for your own children.

 

Do you have access to any sort of respite care in your community? If so, access that and try packing up a nice picnic dinner and meeting your husband at his work. You can enjoy some time alone with him.

[preraph]

You need to sit down with him and get serious and tell him everything you were thinking. He needs to know this is his dream not yours and that it's stepping on your dream. I refuse to believe that both of you can't go back to work but it's going to require money daycare or nanny. I cannot sit here and tell you to just go along with losing your whole career especially when you're not sure if the marriage is going to work under these circumstances because you may need that career sometime so you might as well take it back now whether he likes it or not.

 

If you have to pay for all the day care of yourself even if it takes your whole paycheck just to make your point if nothing else.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Are there other young mothers you can associate with in the area? Yes, I know another young mother is no substitute for a husband.

 

At the present I know of other young couples who are struggling with this same issue. In one of the couples the wife has had an A and wants a divorce now. She was a sahm and now has a job but is very unhappy with her life.

 

In another of the marriages I'm familiar with the mom is a sahm and the H is a physician. Truth is, many couples go through this and especially if the H is very ambitious with his work.

 

With four young children, if you went to work and left your H you'd be in a mess, imo.

 

Do you belong to a church or would you consider joining one? You need to be associating with others and you and your H need to start taking time for yourselves. The two of you must make the time to do so.

 

And I agree with another poster who said you must tell your H what you wrote here. Better yet, share your post with him.

[mikeylo]

Do whatever but don't try the affair route! It will complicate everything 100 times more.

[normal person]

The time to take a chance and start a business was before he got married and had four kids. He trapped you. Your whole family has inherited his problems now, whereas if he had the sense and responsibility to do these things before having a family, or to just have a family and accept that he needs to prioritize you and your kids over his pipe dream, he wouldn't be in this situation. Now the weight of the relationship and the pressure of mouths to feed is compounding the whatever complications are going on in the business. He should have never taken such a gamble while having a family so dependent on his success, that is incredibly irresponsible.

 

On Shark Tank, Kevin always says if a business is still losing money after 3 years, it's a bad idea and you should just let it die for the sake of everyone involved. Just because your husband thinks it's a good idea or enjoys it doesn't mean it's practical or viable in reality. And the numbers don't lie. If I were you I'd have a very frank discussion with him about the projections for and longevity of his venture, because it sounds like an abject failure so far that you'd all be better off without. Ask him if it's worth gambling your family's future over, because it doesn't sound like it is. He took his chance, he failed. Time to play it safe salvage what you can.

[d0nnivain]

Just explain that you let him follow his dream & now it's time for him to return the favor.

 

If you go back to work, you probably get certain benefits like health insurance which is hard to come by when you are self employed. For that alone he ought to support your decision.

 

I think if you can get some fulfillment of your own through a career your resentment of him will dissipate.

[preraph]

I have a friend whose husband told her not to go back to work after she'd finished her certifications using the excuse it wasn't enough money to be worth it. But really, he just did it because he wanted her to have to do everything with the kids and have an excuse to not help. Eventually she went back to work despite his wishes and the balance in their relationship immediately got better because he realized that now she had her own money, the next time she got fed up with him, she had the ability to walk out, so he started helping a tiny bit more though still not doing half. But he also treated her better because even though he has her convinced otherwise, he knows he could never find another woman as attractive and nice as her because he is seriously flawed and she isn't.

[Popsicle]

Tell him that you are grateful for all the hard work he is putting in but that you think it would be healthier to have more of a balance. Tell him that money and things don't mean as much to you as having balance. Ask him if you can work together on having more of a balance. He can throw a fit all he wants that his plan is not your plan but he has to accept that you are a different people with different wants and desires.

 

As a side note, you should be happy that he at least gave a thought about this and brought it up. There are some sole breadwinner husbands that wouldn't even think about it or pay attention to what they heard someone say because they know they have you trapped and you aren't going anywhere (financially and because of the kids).