Having a hard time getting over "cheating" in a long-distance relationship

[PurpleSeal]

Hi all—not sure what exactly I am after (maybe I am venting), but I thought that maybe letting out my thoughts about my situation might help. I would appreciate any sincere words of wisdom or thoughts!

 

I have been in a long-distance relationship for two years with my boyfriend (and we were together in the same place for 1.5 years before that). Our long distance was only supposed to last for 6 months but turned into more time largely because of work and later financial difficulties (without going into more detail). Throughout this time, we have visited each other and talked almost daily!

 

This past six months I’ve transitioned to working remotely, and so I have had more flexibility and spent more time with him. In fact, I just recently spent a whole 2 months with him.

 

I was so excited about spending that much time with him. For me, it was kind of a “trial” to make sure I wanted to take the next step and move/marry him. But on my 2nd week there, I found some e-mails from an ex of his.

 

I KNOW it is wrong to be a snoop—really, I am so embarrassed. But curiosity got the better of me, and I felt like I had a right to know the truth (whatever that was) after being long distance for so long!

 

The emails were REALLY inappropriate—his ex basically writing him telling him to call her, that she missed him, that she loved him, etc. The thing is—his ex is far away from him too (by several thousand miles)! Even so, he was being really passive and responding warmly to her e-mails to schedule “Skype dates” (even though a lot of his responses were somewhat lukewarm).

 

Upon confronting him he told me that he never loved her—he always felt like she was more of a friend than a romantic partner, even when they were actually dating. He said that she has been “in love” with him for several years, and they had recently started talking more… but he basically said that she took all the initiative (and always had), that he was feeling lonely, etc. He also said that she always looked to him for help, and he felt obligated to help her (because she had a tough life, her dad died, and other things). Of course, that didn’t convince me!!

 

The following fight was the worst of my life—I felt so broken hearted after getting my hopes up and going to visit him. We had talked so much about infidelity and those issues during our long distance, and he always really adamantly told me that he wanted me and only me (I gave him so many chances to break up or to say that the distance was too much for him!). I spent about a week moping around and trying to decide what to do, with him telling me that he loved me and would do anything to fix it. After that, I just tried to enjoy myself the rest of my trip. I decided to stay the rest of the two months to at least see how I felt (after all, I had waited around in a long-distance relationship that long, I didn’t just want to give up).

 

Toward the end of the trip, I did feel really good about him and our relationship. I felt like he had shown remorse and had made a big effort to set things straight with his ex. We actually took a lot of fun mini trips on the weekends (and of course kept working during the week). I have since returned to my home, and he wants me to move in with him in one month. He says that he sees himself marrying me, that he truly sees me as the woman of his dreams, and he keeps reassuring me that he blocked his ex and has no contact with her.

 

My feelings have been a literal roller coaster. One day, I feel so excited and so in love and ready for the next step. The next day, I feel down in the dumps. I haven’t told ANYONE about his infidelity—not my friends, not my family—and to be honest, the main reason is because I feel embarrassed. So many of my family and friends were unsupportive of my long-distance relationship, and I fought so hard to convince them that my boyfriend was wonderful and worth it. I felt like telling them would just be confirming that they were right.

 

I can accept his actions in a way because of the long distance (I know it was really hard) and maybe it is not so bad considering his ex was also long distance—but it still feels like cheating to me and it still really hurts. I also feel like I lost a lot of trust and can’t really trust him when he tells me about how long the “cheating” was really going on (I even start to doubt if there isn’t someone else).

 

But at the same time, he seems really sincere when he says that he loves me and wants to marry me. It makes me want to think that the distance just got the better of us and that everything will be okay in a few months/in a year.

 

I am so mixed and torn—I literally feel bipolar (happy/excited one day, depressed and crying the next). Is this something that one can ever get over? Should I want to get over this, or just move on?

Edited August 5, 2017 by PurpleSeal

[Space Ritual]

Ah...young lady...no...just no.

 

Please take some time to read some of the stories in this and other subforums so you will do yourself the biggest of favors and cease any notion that you should continue in this relationship.

 

Please realize this man did you a favor by showing you who he is. Believe Him!!

 

You can do so much better than accept such milquetoast platitudes from this dork.

 

LDRs are difficult enough as it is. LDRs take a BOATLOAD of TRUST and COMMUNICATION.

 

I bolded those 3 because you have none of that. The guy is a cheater, and he is a liar. His audition for a position of life partner for you is a stone cold failure. Please do not accept this treatment. No one deserves it, and especially someone that is being subjected to it Long Distance.

 

There will be others that come along with better advice than I have for you, other than you need to drop this guy like a used rubber. Just reread your first post. If your best friend told you what you have written, what would be your reaction?

[Space Ritual]

I KNOW it is wrong to be a snoop—really, I am so embarrassed. But curiosity got the better of me, and I felt like I had a right to know the truth (whatever that was) after being long distance for so long!

.

 

Again...no just no.

 

You were not invading his privacy...you invaded his secrecy. Don't feel bad, because those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Your gut told you something was up...and your gut was right.

[Darren Steez]

Hi all—not sure what exactly I am after (maybe I am venting), but I thought that maybe letting out my thoughts about my situation might help. I would appreciate any sincere words of wisdom or thoughts!

 

I have been in a long-distance relationship for two years with my boyfriend (and we were together in the same place for 1.5 years before that). Our long distance was only supposed to last for 6 months but turned into more time largely because of work and later financial difficulties (without going into more detail). Throughout this time, we have visited each other and talked almost daily!

 

This past six months I’ve transitioned to working remotely, and so I have had more flexibility and spent more time with him. In fact, I just recently spent a whole 2 months with him.

 

I was so excited about spending that much time with him. For me, it was kind of a “trial” to make sure I wanted to take the next step and move/marry him. But on my 2nd week there, I found some e-mails from an ex of his.

 

I KNOW it is wrong to be a snoop—really, I am so embarrassed. But curiosity got the better of me, and I felt like I had a right to know the truth (whatever that was) after being long distance for so long!

 

The emails were REALLY inappropriate—his ex basically writing him telling him to call her, that she missed him, that she loved him, etc. The thing is—his ex is far away from him too (by several thousand miles)! Even so, he was being really passive and responding warmly to her e-mails to schedule “Skype dates” (even though a lot of his responses were somewhat lukewarm).

 

Upon confronting him he told me that he never loved her—he always felt like she was more of a friend than a romantic partner, even when they were actually dating. He said that she has been “in love” with him for several years, and they had recently started talking more… but he basically said that she took all the initiative (and always had), that he was feeling lonely, etc. He also said that she always looked to him for help, and he felt obligated to help her (because she had a tough life, her dad died, and other things). Of course, that didn’t convince me!!

 

The following fight was the worst of my life—I felt so broken hearted after getting my hopes up and going to visit him. We had talked so much about infidelity and those issues during our long distance, and he always really adamantly told me that he wanted me and only me (I gave him so many chances to break up or to say that the distance was too much for him!). I spent about a week moping around and trying to decide what to do, with him telling me that he loved me and would do anything to fix it. After that, I just tried to enjoy myself the rest of my trip. I decided to stay the rest of the two months to at least see how I felt (after all, I had waited around in a long-distance relationship that long, I didn’t just want to give up).

 

Toward the end of the trip, I did feel really good about him and our relationship. I felt like he had shown remorse and had made a big effort to set things straight with his ex. We actually took a lot of fun mini trips on the weekends (and of course kept working during the week). I have since returned to my home, and he wants me to move in with him in one month. He says that he sees himself marrying me, that he truly sees me as the woman of his dreams, and he keeps reassuring me that he blocked his ex and has no contact with her.

 

My feelings have been a literal roller coaster. One day, I feel so excited and so in love and ready for the next step. The next day, I feel down in the dumps. I haven’t told ANYONE about his infidelity—not my friends, not my family—and to be honest, the main reason is because I feel embarrassed. So many of my family and friends were unsupportive of my long-distance relationship, and I fought so hard to convince them that my boyfriend was wonderful and worth it. I felt like telling them would just be confirming that they were right.

 

I can accept his actions in a way because of the long distance (I know it was really hard) and maybe it is not so bad considering his ex was also long distance—but it still feels like cheating to me and it still really hurts. I also feel like I lost a lot of trust and can’t really trust him when he tells me about how long the “cheating” was really going on (I even start to doubt if there isn’t someone else).

 

But at the same time, he seems really sincere when he says that he loves me and wants to marry me. It makes me want to think that the distance just got the better of us and that everything will be okay in a few months/in a year.

 

I am so mixed and torn—I literally feel bipolar (happy/excited one day, depressed and crying the next). Is this something that one can ever get over? Should I want to get over this, or just move on?

 

Right.

 

If a man isn't man enough to say no, this is wrong, I'm seeing someone and I'm in a relationship from long distance then what chance if the woman was actually based somewhere closer?

 

Dating is a trial, and this guy can't even pass the basics, honesty and integrity.

 

For heavens sake move on. Why would you want a marry a man who's capable of this?

[elaine567]

I haven’t told ANYONE about his infidelity—not my friends, not my family—and to be honest, the main reason is because I feel embarrassed. So many of my family and friends were unsupportive of my long-distance relationship, and I fought so hard to convince them that my boyfriend was wonderful and worth it. I felt like telling them would just be confirming that they were right.

 

Do not let be this ^^^ the reason that you end up pushing this all under the carpet.

 

Long distance can be the test of a relationship and unfortunately your bf just failed that test. Trust once lost, can be very difficult to regain and a relationship without trust is not going to be a very happy one.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would be very skeptical about continuing the relationship. Being lonely is one thing; turning to another woman - much less an ex - to ease the loneliness is quite another.

 

He has showed you that he doesn't have appropriate boundaries. How far would this have gone had you stumbled across all of this?

 

Having been with someone who also had an emotional affair, I can tell you that you're in for a bumpy ride if you stay. That sense of security and comfort I'd had was ripped out from under my feet when I discovered how close my ex had gotten to a "friend." I never felt quite the same after that, always wondering when the next shoe was going to drop. And it did, 4 years later. He wound up having a full-blown affair with someone else and we separated for good. My point is that people who do this are very much lacking sincere investment and commitment to you.

[The411]

Once a person starts snooping the relationship is effectively dead, because trust is gone.

 

Why people continue to try LDRs is beyond me. The whole point of a relationship is being with a person in person, not gabbing on the phone all night. Sex is also difficult to have when you are not seeing each other 2x per week.

[smackie9]

Hey it's up to you if you and him want to work on this, it's not wrong or right, it's a personal decision/choice but it is not without risks. The discussion is not over if you are still having doubts. Let him know he is not off the hook for this, and will be revisiting the conversation in the future. You both need to go over "boundaries/expectations" before proceeding with being committed to each other. There's gonna be some changes...not just for him but you also to make this right.

[umirano]

After having been in a 2y LDR myself: End it now. Mourn, yell, sulk, cry. Then move on.

 

This guy isn't serious about you.

[PurpleSeal]

Thank you all for the responses! I appreciate everyone taking the time to read my story

 

But wow! First off—I know everyone hates a cheater (myself included) but I was surprised to see most of the responses go to the extreme of DUMP HIM NOW. I guess I was expecting more nuance given the situation.

 

Also, I don’t necessarily agree that he isn’t serious about me (he seriously wants to get married and have me move in).

 

I suppose one ultimately will just follow their heart—I don’t believe he is a bad person (or uninterested), but I do think he made a bad decision.

 

We have had our spats like all couples, but he has treated me well in the relationship. I think for that reason it is hard for me to just give up and assume he isn't serious.

 

I know if I decide to stay that it will be something he has to work on (no way I am brushing it under the rug!).

[PegNosePete]

he seriously wants to get married and have me move in

Let me share a little life wisdom with you.

 

Someone who wants to get married and have someone move in with them, does not cheat on them!

 

It is simply not possible that someone who wants to get married, would cheat on their partner. These 2 are mutually exclusive.

 

This guy is a worm. Dump him now.

[ExpatInItaly]

Also, I don’t necessarily agree that he isn’t serious about me (he seriously wants to get married and have me move in).

 

And how does chatting up his ex fit into that scenario?

 

You can't take him seriously. A man who is serious about committing forever in the form of marriage doesn't go looking for his ex when he gets lonely. I promise you.