It IS finally over. But now what?

[Kjrrg]

I am a 34 year old man that began talking to an older woman (41) at my work last year. It was casual at first, but one day in February she asked if I was on Facebook. I am not, but told her I am on Twitter. A week or so later she made an account and tracked me down. After a few days of talking privately, she began to come on to me and I honestly believe I was falling in love, to the point that I ended things with my girlfriend of ten years to begin spending more time with her.

 

We spoke all day every day. We hooked up numerous times. She is married with 3 kids and tried to stop our affair numerous times, but we always ended up getting back "together" hours later. We only ever spent time together after work, having sex in our cars with the exception of once per week going to the bar with two other co-workers. She wanted to keep this entire thing secret but that didn't stop her from one night getting too plowed and proclaiming to our co-workers that her and her husband were done, and that she was in love with me.

 

She is very wishy-washy and squirrelly but always talked about our future together, about leaving her husband...but it never happened. It has only been two months but she talked so big. In the end, last week after finally bringing her to my place for the first time, her husband went through her phone and saw it all. He told her to go and date me, but that he wanted a legal separation. This should have been her out, but instead she told me she can't talk anymore because she can't lose her kids. A few days after not hearing a word from her, I sent a msg saying I would be looking for a new job so no need to worry. For the next two days we spoke as normal again, her telling me how much she missed me and couldn't talk or see me "right now" because she was paranoid about him monitoring her phone, but implied maybe in the future. She disappeared again mid convo for two days.

 

After seeing her again at work and asking where she went, she said she can't talk anymore. I said, forever? She said "right now" and later sent me a message apologizing but that she cannot do this anymore and unfollowed me on Twitter. This has happened numerous times but I finally gave her a piece of my mind after being so patient and strong through so many attempted breakups, telling her how she would do anything to talk/be with me if she really loved me. She said she deserved that and promised to not bother me anymore. And then she blocked me (never did that before). And I haven't heard from her since (last night).

 

My logical brain knows this means we are probably over, but does it? Apparently she still loves me...but if she did, wouldn't she leave her husband? The fact that she still has feelings for me makes me not want to give up, but really, this time it seems for real and I don't know what to do. Maybe I screwed up in finally getting stern with her. Maybe there is more convincing I could have done. I hate the thought that we still feel the same way about each other but can't be together because of the kids...or is it because of them at all? I have no idea. I am so lost. And I know I am scum. But I really thought she was going to leave after all that talk...

 

She is here at work today. I so badly want to talk to her in person about his again. Because I know she still loves me. But if she did, she would move mountains to be with me instead. I guess.

Edited May 7, 2017 by Kjrrg

[lostgirl87]

Brace yourself. People here are going to judge you and tell you that she's made her choice and she has shown you what she feels and what she wants. However, you know your relationship and what you have with her so don't listen to anyone trying to diminish what y'all had.

 

HOWEVER

 

The best case scenario is that she is confused and scared at how fast everything is happening. And she has a child which further complicates it. If I were you, I'd give her space. Let her figure things out with some kind of clarity. If she realizes that she loves and wants to be with you, she'll come around. If she doesn't, then it is what it is. But for YOU- you need to assume that it is over. Don't reach out. Don't approach her at work. If she reaches out, tell her you're only interested if she is divorcing her H and once that is in motion (preferably final but sometimes that can take a while) then you can speak again. Don't get involved in the back and forth. As difficult as this is for you right now, she's having a more difficult time. And especially her H!

 

And then there's the worst case scenario: she really is done with your relationship and is choosing her family. In that case, she will never speak to you again.

 

I don't know which one of these scenarios is correct. I can't say it's hopeless. But I can say that for you, for your sanity, treat this as the end. Don't allow yourself to be strung along while she goes back and forth in her mind about what she wants to do. Focus on you. Focus on healing and moving on. If she comes back, cool. If not, then that's ok b/c you're already on the way to feeling better. Again, treat this as the end. For your sanity and for your heart. Don't put your life on hold and wait for her.

[Kjrrg]

Thank you for your reply. But again, she has 3 kids. I understand it would be so hard to break her family up, but she is the one who talked so big about it. I will try to leave her be, but I don't see how she will come around on her own without encouragement...probably another stupid idea by me, I know.

Edited May 7, 2017 by Kjrrg

[lostgirl87]

Thank you for your reply. But again, she has 3 kids. I understand it would be so hard to break her family up, but she is the one who talked so big about it. I will try to leave her be, but I don't see how she will come around on her own without encouragement...probably another stupid idea by me, I know.

You don't want to pressure her though. And again, at this point, you don't know what her thought process is. What if you approach her and she really is done? Then you're the one pursuing her and you may have trouble with her husband. If she misses you, she will reach out. And to be honest, if it were me, I don't think I'd leave my marriage right after getting caught. It's such a volatile, confusing, scary time. You hurt someone you care about. Emotions are running wild. It's hard! I understand why WS stay or at least try to reconcile with their spouse. But as the AP, you can't worry about what she's feeling. You can only worry about you and how you're feeling. You need to begin the process of moving on.

 

Right now it's really fresh and you're hurting- I get it. That's how I was feeling a few months ago with my MM. but after everything that's happened, I've realized that you can't pressure or encourage anyone. People will do what they want to do. If it's real love, it'll happen. But the fact that she has 3 kids, that definitely complicates it- sorry to say.

 

Definitely keep your distance. Focus on YOU. Consider this the end of the relationship and begin to heal and move forward. Don't treat this as temporary. As far as you're concerned, it's over.

[spiderowl]

Sadly, what people say and what they do can be entirely different. She says she loves you but she values her marriage more. She is unlikely to lose her kids through having an affair (at least not in the UK) but her husband could battle with her in court. This would be threatening and difficult for her. It sounds like she is choosing husband and kids over you.

 

Really, the whole thing sounds like she just wanted to play away. She chased you. She has probably done this before. I am sorry you fell in love with her. She was unworthy.

 

As to whether it is over, it probably will be until she thinks she can sneak round her husband again. Do you really want to be dropped and picked up randomly when it happens to suit her? You deserve someone who is available and who acknowledges you, someone you do not have to sneak around with. I would say write her off and don't entertain any approaches from her again. She really has behaved very badly towards you.

[Kjrrg]

Lostgirl87 you are completely right. I know I can't force her to do anything...still feel ****ty that it feels like I pushed her away for good by showing how hurt I am. Instead of not talking to me because of her husband, after I finally went at her a bit she said things like, don't worry I won't bother you or mess things up anymore. I will be a ghost. Which is why I feel it's my fault, even though right before that she is the one who said she couldn't talk anymore...

 

Spiderowl, we aren't in the UK. US, New York State. He said he wouldn't use it against her if she were to leave during legal separation, but that still counts as abandoning your kids apparently and she wouldn't get as much visitation. I swear, it doesn't seem like she used me in my heart but in my head the red flags do seem apparent. Still, I can't get over her and the feeling that I could be doing or saying something else to get her. Yet I have already sacrificed so much, leaving my girlfriend, moving somewhere else and now making it so ****ing difficult to even work at this place anymore...I wish my heart and my brain would cooperate.

[lostgirl87]

You didn't push her away by fighting back and speaking up on how you feel and in a way defending yourself. Even before you did that she still wasn't choosing you. And honestly, the best thing a MW or MM can do for their AP is stay away and not contact the AP. Allow the person to move on and find happiness and love with someone who deserves them. The lucky ones are the ones who are left alone and can move on.

[Kjrrg]

It's true. She didn't choose me. But the day when we started talking again she said she can't see me after work or on her off days "for now" so I guess she was willing to restart the affair, but not commit...and I don't want the affair to restart. I just want her. Why did she talk so big? **** I hate myself for letting this happen. Nobody ever threw themselves at me like this before, especially not someone I was so attracted to before this even started. I am a fool.

 

Thank you again for your replies. I appreciate it so much.

Edited May 7, 2017 by Kjrrg

[spiderowl]

Lostgirl87 you are completely right. I know I can't force her to do anything...still feel ****ty that it feels like I pushed her away for good by showing how hurt I am. Instead of not talking to me because of her husband, after I finally went at her a bit she said things like, don't worry I won't bother you or mess things up anymore. I will be a ghost. Which is why I feel it's my fault, even though right before that she is the one who said she couldn't talk anymore...

 

Spiderowl, we aren't in the UK. US, New York State. He said he wouldn't use it against her if she were to leave during legal separation, but that still counts as abandoning your kids apparently and she wouldn't get as much visitation. I swear, it doesn't seem like she used me in my heart but in my head the red flags do seem apparent. Still, I can't get over her and the feeling that I could be doing or saying something else to get her. Yet I have already sacrificed so much, leaving my girlfriend, moving somewhere else and now making it so ****ing difficult to even work at this place anymore...I wish my heart and my brain would cooperate.

 

You didn't push her away; you confronted her with reality. Your feelings matter too. You have had to deny them to have this woman part time. At some point, she has to commit to you and make that work. She was playing away and now that reality has hit her in the face, she can't handle it. She is responsible for her part in this. She should be apologising for hurting you.

[Grammie]

Lostgirl87 you are completely right. I know I can't force her to do anything...still feel ****ty that it feels like I pushed her away for good by showing how hurt I am. Instead of not talking to me because of her husband, after I finally went at her a bit she said things like, don't worry I won't bother you or mess things up anymore. I will be a ghost. Which is why I feel it's my fault, even though right before that she is the one who said she couldn't talk anymore...

 

Spiderowl, we aren't in the UK. US, New York State. He said he wouldn't use it against her if she were to leave during legal separation, but that still counts as abandoning your kids apparently and she wouldn't get as much visitation. I swear, it doesn't seem like she used me in my heart but in my head the red flags do seem apparent. Still, I can't get over her and the feeling that I could be doing or saying something else to get her. Yet I have already sacrificed so much, leaving my girlfriend, moving somewhere else and now making it so ****ing difficult to even work at this place anymore...I wish my heart and my brain would cooperate.

 

You really have no idea what her husband said to her. I find it very hard to believe he told her she could date you as long as they legally separated.

 

You've been having an affair with her for 2 months? Most likely, she's not ending a marriage for a 2 month affair. She sounds unstable quite frankly. What makes me say that is she is WILLING TO LEAVE HER KIDS to be with you? I mean, that shows how crappy of a parent she is...the fact that she would even consider choosing her affair partner over her 3 kids. And with you two talking "all day every day" when is she with her kids? She's out drinking weekly, and getting hammered. I am assuming her husband is the parent who is actually doing the parenting, helping with homework, making dinner, etc (which is totally cool - many dads now are taking over traditional 'mom' roles). And for being 41 and going out and getting "hammered" during the week, I find her behavior to be incredibly juvenile and immature. But, you must be attracted to that or something.

 

She will be back...don't worry (more than likely). She won't end a marriage for you, but she will keep you around as someone to have sex with, someone to boost her ego, someone to talk to all day. I am glad you let your long time girlfriend go - she deserves to find someone who won't cheat on her. You obviously didn't love her enough to be faithful. And it sounds like you and the MW will fizzle out eventually --- you will get tired of her behavior and her back and forth.

[Kjrrg]

My ex-gf does deserve better. We are friends still, but you are right. And no, the MW is a great mom. She did all that stuff while talking to me all day via text. At times she would disappear for a couple of hours here and there to do so. She isn't as bad a person as you make it out she does have her issues. We all do. I don't want to defend her too much, but I also want to be honest. Heck if she was going to abandon her kids for me, she had the opportunity last week.

[deadsoul]

Brace yourself. People here are going to judge you and tell you that she's made her choice and she has shown you what she feels and what she wants. However, you know your relationship and what you have with her so don't listen to anyone trying to diminish what y'all had.

 

HOWEVER

 

The best case scenario is that she is confused and scared at how fast everything is happening. And she has a child which further complicates it. If I were you, I'd give her space. Let her figure things out with some kind of clarity. If she realizes that she loves and wants to be with you, she'll come around. If she doesn't, then it is what it is. But for YOU- you need to assume that it is over. Don't reach out. Don't approach her at work. If she reaches out, tell her you're only interested if she is divorcing her H and once that is in motion (preferably final but sometimes that can take a while) then you can speak again. Don't get involved in the back and forth. As difficult as this is for you right now, she's having a more difficult time. And especially her H!

 

And then there's the worst case scenario: she really is done with your relationship and is choosing her family. In that case, she will never speak to you again.

 

I don't know which one of these scenarios is correct. I can't say it's hopeless. But I can say that for you, for your sanity, treat this as the end. Don't allow yourself to be strung along while she goes back and forth in her mind about what she wants to do. Focus on you. Focus on healing and moving on. If she comes back, cool. If not, then that's ok b/c you're already on the way to feeling better. Again, treat this as the end. For your sanity and for your heart. Don't put your life on hold and wait for her.

 

This. If she truly loves you, and maybe she does after only two months, I don't know, then this is your best course of action.

 

Don't just move on thinking she will come around later. Move on as if she isn't coming back. I know it's hard, but if you truly love her, you'll let her figure her stuff out. You don't want to be the one she left her family for. She can sort her stuff out and if/when she's divorced, if you're still around, great. But don't wait for her. And no contact with her.

[BTDT2012]

Move on and find a woman who isn't married. Love does not conquer all. If she doesn't do the work to figure out why she cheats, you will find yourself in her husband's spot. Look at this logically. She built a life and created life with her husband. Two months together and she is telling you she want to throw it all away?

 

Stay away from her. This is drama that you don't need. Follow through on finding a new job.

[FoundMyStrength]

You didn't push her away by fighting back and speaking up on how you feel and in a way defending yourself. Even before you did that she still wasn't choosing you. And honestly, the best thing a MW or MM can do for their AP is stay away and not contact the AP. Allow the person to move on and find happiness and love with someone who deserves them. The lucky ones are the ones who are left alone and can move on.

 

This. Feel blessed that it's over and she's allowing you to move on. My affair was also brief and intense like yours, with lots of talk of love and future. Take it from someone who's been there. She just got caught up in it. The swirl of emotions and hormones. They say things about love and future but, truly, they can't see themselves leaving spouse and child for their affair partner. My xMM has stayed away at my request. I am thankful for that. 8 months later, and I'm finally starting to feel like my old self.

 

Give it time. You'll get there too. As other have said, if she really loves you, she'll be back with divorce papers in hand. Otherwise, she's giving you the gift of being able to heal and move on. Take it, and let time do it's work.

[Kjrrg]

Thank you again for your replies. But last night, I made a second Twitter account to message her and simply tell her that I wanted to talk to her on her way out of work to end things on a more positive note. That's just how I am, I guess. I always wanna talk it out. Also I may be an idiot.

 

She didn't reply, but left work a half hour early. She then blocked me on the second account and her H messaged me again, asking me to please let them move on with their lives. So she either told him, she actually is being monitored, or she messaged me herself with his phone. I was angry but again did not reply to him and almost instantly was ready to move on.

 

I woke up fully prepared to eat this **** and try to start getting over this. But when I went to delete my second account, my DM window popped back up -- she unblocked the second account. So now I don't know what the **** to think. My gut is telling me that this means there is still a chance in the future after all. And my gut has always been right about her. So. I am still going to move on. But in the back of my head I'm still thinking of being with her. I guess I'm really holding on to this tiny bit of hope to cushion the blow that it's all over...for now?

[Kjrrg]

And she blocked me again after I sent her another message. Now I really don't know...but man do I hate myself.

[deadsoul]

stop sending her messages. Remember this feeling every time you do it.

 

Make the choice to move on. Let her figure out her stuff. I know easier said than done.

[FoundMyStrength]

The back and forth, up and down is probably bc she is being monitored but is feeling the same addictive pull you're feeling. Part of her probably wants to reach out. But that doesn't really matter. She's clearly chosen her husband and reconciliation. He's not holding her prisoner. She could leave if she wants. Best thing for you to do is step aside, give her/them space and time, and move on.

[Kjrrg]

She has now deleted the Twitter account. I know I should move on. I just can't believe this is it and that there is nothing else I can do. I feel like I wanna die, but I'm sure that is nothing new to the millions of people who have gone through the same thing.

[FoundMyStrength]

She has now deleted the Twitter account. I know I should move on. I just can't believe this is it and that there is nothing else I can do. I feel like I wanna die, but I'm sure that is nothing new to the millions of people who have gone through the same thing.

 

Just because it's not new doesn't mean it doesn't hurt all the same. I've been in your position not too long ago, and it was truly one of the darkest times in my life. But it does get better. Hour by hour, day by day. What other folks say on here is true, though. The only way to heal is get away from the person and situation that's hurting you. And until she's divorced, she will always hurt you. Stay NC. Block her number. Allow yourself to heal. It takes a long time, but it will happen.

[Kjrrg]

And now the account is back. This is driving me nuts because she KNOWS I'm looking. But still not a word. Truly, she is nuts, and I am now nuts for having been involved with her.

[Heathen]

Do not assume it is the wife that is opening/closing the twitter account. The Husband contacted you once and told you to cease and desist. If you continue, do not be surprised if his next call is to HR. This Husband showed strength by telling her "there is the door". Her response was to share your information and he called you. This guy will not let you walk over him. Dont be surprised if she gives notice or ask for a transfer.

 

Bro, She is married. You had a workplace affair. You should show a little concern about your job...and your resume. You dont want to be fired for this. Back away.

Edited May 9, 2017 by Heathen

[Kjrrg]

She was already looking for a job. The Twitter account only came back to be totally changed and then deleted again. I wish I could let go of this instead of STILL thinking there is something I could do, if only I could talk to her...

 

**** off, me.

[FoundMyStrength]

Heathen has a good point. In the heat of the affair, the emotions are all that you see. I love him/her and now he/she is gone and I'm in pain becomes your entire focus.

 

But no one else sees it that way. No one else will have sympathy. Your job, reputation, career, all of that could be at risk if this becomes public. Like it or not, the single person is always painted as the predator. You will be seen as taking advantage of a poor married woman, and you'll likely be treated accordingly. If he wants her, let him have her. She really isn't worth losing it all.

[lostgirl87]

Heathen has a good point. In the heat of the affair, the emotions are all that you see. I love him/her and now he/she is gone and I'm in pain becomes your entire focus.

 

But no one else sees it that way. No one else will have sympathy. Your job, reputation, career, all of that could be at risk if this becomes public. Like it or not, the single person is always painted as the predator. You will be seen as taking advantage of a poor married woman, and you'll likely be treated accordingly. If he wants her, let him have her. She really isn't worth losing it all.

^^needed this. Thank you!