It IS finally over. But now what?

[Kjrrg]

I am not angry yet. I don't think I will be. Maybe just mad at myself for allowing this to happen.

 

So. Again. There is nothing left for me to do to get her, is there? I have tried everything. Multiple attempts at communicating. The lame note. EVERYTHING. I still feel like if I can talk to her just one more time I can totally fix everything and she will realize that she loves me and do what it takes to make it happen! It still feels like it's under my control and there is something I am NOT doing. Maybe if I just make the facebook account again and wait...maybe if I wait for her after work to talk to her in person...she does know where to find me (Skype, Twitter, possibly my phone number unless it has been deleted) but what if she ends up regretting staying with her H in a few months and decides she wants me but feels too bad about everything that has happened and doesn't try to contact me out of guilt/fear/whatever? I should be even more proactive to make sure that I don't miss the opportunity!

 

I know this is all bull****...right? Someone tell me that it's all bull**** because I don't trust myself anymore. I cannot stop obsessing over this selfish, wonderful, lying, beautiful, stupid, intelligent woman.

[freengreen]

I am not angry yet. I don't think I will be. Maybe just mad at myself for allowing this to happen.

 

So. Again. There is nothing left for me to do to get her, is there? I have tried everything. Multiple attempts at communicating. The lame note. EVERYTHING. I still feel like if I can talk to her just one more time I can totally fix everything and she will realize that she loves me and do what it takes to make it happen! It still feels like it's under my control and there is something I am NOT doing. Maybe if I just make the facebook account again and wait...maybe if I wait for her after work to talk to her in person...she does know where to find me (Skype, Twitter, possibly my phone number unless it has been deleted) but what if she ends up regretting staying with her H in a few months and decides she wants me but feels too bad about everything that has happened and doesn't try to contact me out of guilt/fear/whatever? I should be even more proactive to make sure that I don't miss the opportunity!

 

I know this is all bull****...right? Someone tell me that it's all bull**** because I don't trust myself anymore. I cannot stop obsessing over this selfish, wonderful, lying, beautiful, stupid, intelligent woman.

I am here to vote. IT IS BUL***T. Namaste.

[lostgirl87]

Dude. It was 2 months! your life can't change this much over 1 person you've been involved with for 2 months.

 

Furthermore, you have nothing to hold on to. She's not even trying to give you false hope. There's no "I love you I just need more time". Even if she were saying that that still doesn't mean it's legit but at least it would be something. She is literally blocking you completely out of her life. And I have to be honest, she may even be turned off by you right now. The way you're acting and coming off is a big turn off for most women. I'm sure she doesn't want to hurt you or be evil and that's why she didn't flat out say "eff off I'm done with you and we will never happen" but she also didn't give you any reassurance.

 

I know it's hard but you're torturing yourself. There is nothing you can do. She doesn't want to be with you. Not now and she's also not even trying to give you any hope of a future. I can understand when the married person says they're conflicted or is still professing love and trying to stay in your life but your situation? She's not doing anything. Look at this objectively. I'm not telling you how to feel b/c that's not my place. Just look at the situation and if you had a friend or relative in your shoes, what would you advise them?

 

IF she ends up regretting her decision she will be back. She will make at least an attempt. But that's a really big if. You 2 shared an intense 2 months but she has 3 children with her husband. Move on. She clearly has or at least wants to. Don't hold off anymore or torture yourself anymore. I'm sorry to say but it's over. Focus on you and tell yourself that this is over a million times per day and I promise you'll be in a completely different place in a few weeks.

[spiderowl]

What if she regrets not leaving him? What if she changes her mind and makes the effort to be with you? Yes, what if? But, she has made some choices now and you are suffering as a result. What kind of person puts you through that? You deserve better.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I am not angry yet. I don't think I will be. Maybe just mad at myself for allowing this to happen.

 

So. Again. There is nothing left for me to do to get her, is there? I have tried everything. Multiple attempts at communicating. The lame note. EVERYTHING. I still feel like if I can talk to her just one more time I can totally fix everything and she will realize that she loves me and do what it takes to make it happen! It still feels like it's under my control and there is something I am NOT doing. Maybe if I just make the facebook account again and wait...maybe if I wait for her after work to talk to her in person...she does know where to find me (Skype, Twitter, possibly my phone number unless it has been deleted) but what if she ends up regretting staying with her H in a few months and decides she wants me but feels too bad about everything that has happened and doesn't try to contact me out of guilt/fear/whatever? I should be even more proactive to make sure that I don't miss the opportunity!

 

I know this is all bull****...right? Someone tell me that it's all bull**** because I don't trust myself anymore. I cannot stop obsessing over this selfish, wonderful, lying, beautiful, stupid, intelligent woman.

 

Yes It's Bull$h1t! What if you focus on yourself, become a better version of you so that either A) you are that much better of a man if she returns down the road, or B) you won't give a $h1t anymore by then. Self care and self love is what you need more than anything right now. Then self reflection on what allowed this.

[Kjrrg]

Well Lost, one of the last times we spoke she DID give me hope. "I can't see you after work or on my days off right NOW. I can't talk right NOW." But also said things like, "is talking worse? I hate not having contact but maybe talking is making the pain worse" so who knows what she settled on at this point. I know I have to move on but I have made so many mistakes I don't want to make ANOTHER.

 

My ****ty brain in action. Man I'm so mentally wrecked lately. But hey, I didn't cry today. That's good! Right?

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad but this is because you are putting the power in her hands. You are waiting for her. She should be there with you, offering to spend time with you, not saying she can't do it right now. She is not putting you first. You need someone who will put you first. You could have that with someone else who is not attached.

[bluefeather]

I know I have to move on but I have made so many mistakes I don't want to make ANOTHER.

 

Keep pressing that shock button as long as you want to... as long as you feel that you need to. When you have had enough, you can move on to the next phase of your healing. But if she ever comes back around and you bite on anything she says, it's going to make things more difficult. And that would be ANOTHER mistake. Let her go so that you can move on. I know it is not easy. I know...

[FoundMyStrength]

At this point all of the power is in her hands. She's going through a DDay aftermath. It sounds like she's planning to lie low and be in contact once the smoke clears. If you want to be around when she does, all you have to do is wait. She'll be back. She doesn't seem to have much remorse. She's giving off all of the signs. She knows where to find you.

 

But do you REALLY want to be there? Do you really want to go back to the affair? Because this will happen again. And you will be shoved aside again. And you will go through this pain again. Wouldn't you rather go through the pain once, and have a chance to find someone who's actually available to love you back some day? That's why I left for good. No way was I going to be some MM's plaything for years.

[Kjrrg]

Well, it's odd because while I am still miserable today it wasn't AS bad as it has been. Maybe I can take the power back. Use it for good this time instead of filthy, secretive evil!

 

We both work tomorrow and while I likely won't see her, I'm sure I'll be back sobbing but whatever. Thanks again you guys. I am trying.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

At this point all of the power is in her hands. She's going through a DDay aftermath. It sounds like she's planning to lie low and be in contact once the smoke clears. If you want to be around when she does, all you have to do is wait. She'll be back. She doesn't seem to have much remorse. She's giving off all of the signs. She knows where to find you.

 

But do you REALLY want to be there? Do you really want to go back to the affair? Because this will happen again. And you will be shoved aside again. And you will go through this pain again. Wouldn't you rather go through the pain once, and have a chance to find someone who's actually available to love you back some day? That's why I left for good. No way was I going to be some MM's plaything for years.

 

Sometimes pressing the like button doesn't say enough. I wish there was a Super Like button too! Great post, especially the last bolded sentence!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Well, it's odd because while I am still miserable today it wasn't AS bad as it has been. Maybe I can take the power back. Use it for good this time instead of filthy, secretive evil!

 

We both work tomorrow and while I likely won't see her, I'm sure I'll be back sobbing but whatever. Thanks again you guys. I am trying.

 

Hang in there! It's going to be a roller coaster ride of emotions. One day she's an angel. The next day she's the devil incarnate straight out of hell. You love her. You hate her. You miss her. You feel better for a couple days, then you ball your eyes out for a couple days, then you'll be mad as hell. Yeah, going to be a little crazy for a bit.

 

YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THOUGH!

[Kjrrg]

I am really panicking today. Haven't been to work in four days but I go back today and again, even though I won't see her unless I try, it is the only place where I can talk to her. And I don't want to. But I am panicking because I know that all I am going to think about is how she is right there on the floor below me and if I just go down there...

 

**** me

[bluefeather]

Simmer down. She is a flawed human being and that is all. Nothing special for you to obsess over.

[freengreen]

I am really panicking today. Haven't been to work in four days but I go back today and again, even though I won't see her unless I try, it is the only place where I can talk to her. And I don't want to. But I am panicking because I know that all I am going to think about is how she is right there on the floor below me and if I just go down there...

 

**** me

Time for little professional therapy? You are wasting yourself with a passion. You can easily get your own single 'pretty little galway girl', for being so emotionally available. What a waste. Edited May 15, 2017 by freengreen
forgot to write 'single'

[jenkins95]

It (MW/MM bullcr*p) means,

 

"I'm sorry to disappoint you and act like an Ahole, but I have my own arse to save, you aren't part of the equation, and I'm too pathetically cowardly to face you with the truth. I can't face my H with the truth so I cheat instead. If I can't face my H with the truth, I definitely can't face you with it. It's all about me, me, me."

 

I know you don't see her this way now, but you will once the fog lifts. Cheating is seriously one of the most cowardly, weak acts a human can do. After some time, ask yourself if you really want such a weak person as your partner.

 

This!!!

 

This should be pinned.

 

This was me once!

 

Describes the cheater minset to a tee. When the **** hits the fan, it quickly becomes every (married) man for himself. Collateral damage was, to some extent, expected from the start, however regrettable it is.

[jenkins95]

Following up on the last poster's comments, you have to listen to their actions even if you believe their "I love yous" are real. I believe my xMM really did love me. Enough to leave the security and stability of his home life? Enough to diminish his reputation? Hell no. Thats true for most of the MM and MW. Love does not conquer all. And especially not in affairs.

 

Again, another brilliant post.

 

Describes how I was perfectly. And I often call out when posters say "He never loved you. It was all about using you for sex". Often there is genuine love involved (I'm sure there are plenty of users/players too).

 

Did I have genuine feelings for the OW? Oh yes! My heart would skip a beat every time she messaged/called me.

 

Did I, at any time, have any intention of leaving my marriage? Ummmm - that would be a NO! (at least I didn't future fake).

 

It goes with the cheater mindset I'm afraid. I shudder in disbelief now at what I had become and what at that time was to my sick mind "normal" behaviour. Never again...and I hope for the OW too - and for you kjrrrng. Everyone deserves better than this pantomime.

[FoundMyStrength]

This!!!

 

This should be pinned.

 

This was me once!

 

Describes the cheater minset to a tee. When the **** hits the fan, it quickly becomes every (married) man for himself. Collateral damage was, to some extent, expected from the start, however regrettable it is.

 

Yes, I second (or third?) this. MM/MW tie themselves up in logical and emotional knots because they're in the impossible position of caring for/loving two people at once (if they're not a player).

 

My xMM said the most illogical, ridiculous things to me. During our last Skype call, he actually asked me if I'd mind if he called me "later on, if something happens outside of my control." Who knows what he meant. But the implication was that my life would be at a standstill in between, just waiting for something "outside of his control" to happen, so that creaky old xMM could ride up on his white horse and save me from a life of loneliness.

 

Maybe it's time for another "Ridiculous things my xMM/MW said to me" thread.

[Kjrrg]

Well, I am working on her floor today. Which means I already saw her twice. An awkward hi and a how are you and that's all so far. I am not going to engage her about us, at all. I am not even freaking out right now. Not sure if it's cuz I'm getting my "fix" by seeing her, or, if I really am starting to move on just a little bit. Who knows how I will feel later though.

[bluefeather]

I am not even freaking out right now. Not sure if it's cuz I'm getting my "fix" by seeing her, or, if I really am starting to move on just a little bit.

 

I think it's because you were more afraid of the idea than you needed to be. She is human, just like you. Not some object to be worshiped or terrified of. You're doing alright. Keep it up. And if something happens and you freak out later, that's ok too.

[Kjrrg]

Broke down sobbing in my car. I ****ing hate this. I hate myself and my ****ing life. She probably doesn't give a ****.

[bluefeather]

Broke down sobbing in my car. I ****ing hate this. I hate myself and my ****ing life. She probably doesn't give a ****.

 

And there it is. Your emotions. It's ok to cry and to feel what you are feeling. And yes, she probably doesn't give a ****. Right now, she is probably too busy trying to repair the damage that she caused to her family... that you participated in. This affair has led you on a roller-coaster, and this is the grande finale - you go down a spiral of crazy. Remember this experience because it can help you to never repeat it.

[jenkins95]

Yes, I second (or third?) this. MM/MW tie themselves up in logical and emotional knots because they're in the impossible position of caring for/loving two people at once (if they're not a player).

 

My xMM said the most illogical, ridiculous things to me. During our last Skype call, he actually asked me if I'd mind if he called me "later on, if something happens outside of my control." Who knows what he meant. But the implication was that my life would be at a standstill in between, just waiting for something "outside of his control" to happen, so that creaky old xMM could ride up on his white horse and save me from a life of loneliness.

 

Maybe it's time for another "Ridiculous things my xMM/MW said to me" thread.

 

Yes, in trying to "let you down gently", the MM/MW does far more harm than good. A firm (but kind, respectful) message spelling out it is definitely over and there can be no continuing the affair or any other future together, whilst being very painful, would effectively be a short, sharp, shock and would not leave any ambiguity or encourage false hope. By hinting at possible futures or "something happens outside of my control" this leaves the other person in a cruel limbo, especially when they want with all their heart for there to be a future and so they will latch on to such ambiguity and generate false hope from it - a kind of "emotional slavery".

 

And I agree with your interpretation, FoundMyStrength. Your MM is effectively saying "I have chosen my wife, but in case things don't work out or she throws me out, stay single and available for me. Put your life on hold and you never know, I may be back - if my other options don't work out".

 

It is weak and insulting to everyone.

 

Good luck to every one of you.

[jenkins95]

And there it is. Your emotions. It's ok to cry and to feel what you are feeling. And yes, she probably doesn't give a ****. Right now, she is probably too busy trying to repair the damage that she caused to her family... that you participated in. This affair has led you on a roller-coaster, and this is the grande finale - you go down a spiral of crazy. Remember this experience because it can help you to never repeat it.

 

Yes. This is actually a good sign kjrrg, even though it sucks at the same time. If you weren't crying and posting here, you would probably be bottling all these feelings up. Lots of men "don't do crying" - and that's a very bad thing. By letting the emotions flow and by getting it all out here (and in any other therapy you may be having), you are fast-tracking your recovery, even though the pain is immense right now.

 

Good luck - we are here for you.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Yes. This is actually a good sign kjrrg, even though it sucks at the same time. If you weren't crying and posting here, you would probably be bottling all these feelings up. Lots of men "don't do crying" - and that's a very bad thing. By letting the emotions flow and by getting it all out here (and in any other therapy you may be having), you are fast-tracking your recovery, even though the pain is immense right now.

 

Good luck - we are here for you.

 

Yeah, I suspect xMM is a bottler...and I hope it makes his jerky little head explode from all the pressure asap. See, OP? Anger! That's your goal right now. I'm at 7.5 months and I ALMOST don't care anymore except for some residual anger, which is slowly but surely dissipating. Mainly I don't want to be angry anymore bc it keeps me tied to him and takes energy away from things that actually benefit my life. I'm now a long way from where I was, which is exactly where you are now. Keep up the good work, OP!