It IS finally over. But now what?

[FoundMyStrength]

Kjrrg, about what you've noticed about self esteem and feeling like a king, I think there is something there that's​ very unique to affairs. My xMM would look at me with such adoration and love, compliment me, be turned on by the lightest touch or gesture or movement. It felt magical and made me feel beautiful and confident and special. He told me that I made him feel the same.

 

I don't know what it is, but I suspect it has something to do with the unique parts of an affair. The secrecy and the time constraints make it so every moment feels valuable and special. The APs know it could all crumble at any moment, so you feel this need to say everything you feel aloud so that they KNOW you love them, you admire them, you adore them. My xMM and I never meant to turn our EA to PA but it happened one time, and that first kiss was the best kiss I have had or probably will have. We had just built up such an unfulfilled longing for touch.

 

That's the affair, though. The bubble. In real life, you kiss when you kiss. You meet when you want to. You say ILY when it's appropriate, not at the first opportunity for fear you may never get another chance to do so. Unfortunately affairs feel so good, it's sometimes hard to step back into real life bc it pales in comparison.

[jenkins95]

Kjrrg, about what you've noticed about self esteem and feeling like a king, I think there is something there that's​ very unique to affairs. My xMM would look at me with such adoration and love, compliment me, be turned on by the lightest touch or gesture or movement. It felt magical and made me feel beautiful and confident and special. He told me that I made him feel the same.

 

I don't know what it is, but I suspect it has something to do with the unique parts of an affair. The secrecy and the time constraints make it so every moment feels valuable and special. The APs know it could all crumble at any moment, so you feel this need to say everything you feel aloud so that they KNOW you love them, you admire them, you adore them. My xMM and I never meant to turn our EA to PA but it happened one time, and that first kiss was the best kiss I have had or probably will have. We had just built up such an unfulfilled longing for touch.

 

That's the affair, though. The bubble. In real life, you kiss when you kiss. You meet when you want to. You say ILY when it's appropriate, not at the first opportunity for fear you may never get another chance to do so. Unfortunately affairs feel so good, it's sometimes hard to step back into real life bc it pales in comparison.

 

One word for this post: brilliant!

 

I could have written it word for word the same.

 

It is magic! Unfortunately a very selfish, toxic, addictive magic..... But magic all the same. No question.

 

As soon as that bubble bursts, something goes that can never be got back - a kind of purity. I know 'purity' sounds like a ridiculous word in the context of an affair, but putting all the selfishness and cheating aside, when you are in that bubble, you are totally lost in it. Nothing else matters. In that sense it has a certain purity to it. It's like tube stands still and you are immune to the normal laws of the universe. Of course, this is all ripped to pieces when it all hits the fan.

Edited May 24, 2017 by jenkins95

[Kjrrg]

Valid points. And that's why I'm scared now that I have been in the A, nothing will compare ever again.

 

I have truly made mess of my life. When I come to work, like today, and see her car -- one of her many cars that we were physical in -- I panic. I cry. Doesn't matter if I felt okay the day before. When I am here it is hell. I want to walk out right now, today, even though it would completely **** me because I have NO backup and NO money. But this entire building, parking lot, and when she is actually here knowing I can never speak to her again. It really destroys me. I have no idea what to do. I have been applying and applying (even before this) and nothing. How can I heal being here?

[FoundMyStrength]

Big hugs for you. I honestly can't imagine how horrible that is for you. I live near the place where xMM and I had our summer positions, and I couldn't even drive by it without feeling traumatized for 6 months. It literally made me shake as I passed the exit. Working with her must be so awful. I'm so so sorry.

 

What I would do is take all your energy and start job searching. It sounded like this wasn't your dream job, so try to find another not dream job away from her. That's the only way to truly heal. Distance, time, no contact. I even chose another, sister organization for this summer's job on the <5% off chance I may have run into him.

 

You'll get there though. Nowadays when I pass that exit, I no longer shake. Instead I give it the finger. A year from now, you'll feel somewhat whole again. Scarred, maybe, but not the wreck we all are when we're sent packing by the MM/MW.

Edited May 24, 2017 by FoundMyStrength

[Kjrrg]

Thank you. I don't even work with her. Different departments, different floors. I don't even have to see her. But the desire to continue trying to talk to her, to just get her back is overwhelming.

 

I edited the rest of this post because I am just repeating myself at this point. But I am so glad you found your strength. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I hope I can get there too.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Kjrrg

[Kjrrg]

Edits again for repeating myself. I am sorry. Lost, desperate, and still looking for answers when I will never get them.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Kjrrg

[lostgirl87]

B/c it's a very emotional, volatile time. Everyone is confused, hurt and emotionally all over the place. It takes a while to really wrap your mind around what is going on. I'm sure as the days went on her husband asked for more transparency. He wanted to see her phone and her social media accounts. He probably asked how y'all communicated. He probably made her feel guilty and crappy about what she was doing and made her feel like a terrible person, wife and mother and she felt obligated to share all that information with him. I'll be honest: I would never live my life that way. If you have to police your significant other that way, it's just not worth it. But to each his own.

 

Also, she probably didn't want to hurt you. I am sure she cared about you but once she realized the effect on her family, she "woke up" and realized that her husband and children needed to be the focus. She then decided to do what her husband wanted in order to keep her life and most importantly, her children.

[FoundMyStrength]

Yes, that last part of what lost girl writes is really important. The lives of MM/MW are just as complicated as ours. My xMM had something very serious going on in his wife's life. Even if he had wanted to choose me, even if he had wanted to stay, he needed to be there for his family, at least in the short term. I'm sure he won't view it this way, but my choice to go NC was the only chance he had of continuing to be a decent, caring, stand-up guy. In his family's eyes, and probably my own eyes as well.

 

Lost girl is right, she is probably trying to do the right thing now. It's just unfortunate she didn't do the right thing all along and spare you this ungodly pain.

[Kjrrg]

You are probably right. Now she is officially done with me it seems and I am still in the denial stage despite deleting her pics, number etc.

 

To be honest I added her number again the other night. One step forward, three back.

 

I wish she could have just said, "I love my H more than I love you." I swear to God it would make it so much easier instead of continuing to allow me to believe that she still feels the same way but just can't do it. I would have probably moved on by now. Or way quicker.

 

Edit: And yeah, seriously, being policed is no way to live. But she is choosing to put up with it, for the kids if anything. So it is her decision in the end. I need to wrap my head around that too. She is doing what she wants to do.

[Kjrrg]

I haven't heard from her since last Thursday. That's a record. It's so over it isn't even funny. While I am still incredibly sad about it, I think I am getting better. I can go a minute or two without thinking about her, and I haven't broken down and sobbed since Wedensday. I still want her back more than anything. But it isn't ever going to happen.

[freengreen]

 

I wish she could have just said, "I love my H more than I love you." I swear to God it would make it so much easier instead of continuing to allow me to believe that she still feels the same way but just can't do it. I would have probably moved on by now. Or way quicker.

 

If only courage and care was common.... most of us would have moved on twice as fast.

 

You are doing great.. keep it going, you almost got it.

[freengreen]

My one just cut the string off the first time, I fell hard, he dint care. Came back begging, I took him back... guess what, rinse repeat. This time I cut the string off knowing that I would fall hard, I was gentle but he knew I would hurt ...yet again, did nothing.. it was like 'hm, whatever you feel like, sorry'... he just moved on...

 

I never did be so callous against anyone, let alone who love me... I learnt the importance of let going gently... to have that courtesy always, its hard but its harder for the people whom we are letting go. I swore I would never use someones love towards me against them and leave them alone to sort themselves out... I would go a little way with them and then let them go...

 

Sorry for my speech.. was in a 'speech mood'...

[Kjrrg]

It's been a month and a day since we "broke up".

 

Thursday and Friday were okay. I had stuff to do, didn't have to work. I don't again until Monday. But yesterday was bad. I don't know why. I just felt overwhelming sadness about everything all over again. I downloaded a couple of dating apps. I deleted them within the hour. I am still nowhere near wanting to get to know anybody else. All I want is her.

 

I want to contact her so badly, but I know her H will see it if I manage to do so. I also know that I shouldn't regardless. She made her decision and I can't imagine she still feels the same way about me anymore. If she did she would talk to me, right? It's not on me anymore. But I feel like if I do get ahold of her, then things can go back to how they were, or get even better. It just completely sucks, still thinking that I have the power to change things when I know that isn't the case. It also sucks not knowing what she is up to anymore, not being able to speak to someone I got so close with regardless of the situation and consequences. Truly one of the most devastating things I have experienced. Then again, maybe I'm lucky if THIS is one of the worst things to have happened to me.

 

I don't know what to do. Rambling again, feeling so lost again. I am pathetic and weak.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I feel your pain K. It's hurts so bad. Numb...just want to crawl in a hole.

 

She future faked with you. Was 'real' at the time but when she was forced to make a decision, it was to keep her family intact. I'm going through the same thing right now. Struggling to get out of bed. Shock and disbelief. How could someone express their undying love and daily promises of a future life together just coldly walk away.

 

Ramble away. Deleting the pics and conversations is a good start. Try and think that this is a healthier path K. No, it was not ok that your 'girlfriend' was going home to sleep and live life with another man. Not ok. Grieve for now. I'm typing this through tears. Totally get it.

[bluefeather]

But I feel like if I do get ahold of her, then things can go back to how they were, or get even better.

 

That is an illusion you made up. You must break free of that.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

It's been a month and a day since we "broke up".

 

Thursday and Friday were okay. I had stuff to do, didn't have to work. I don't again until Monday. But yesterday was bad. I don't know why. I just felt overwhelming sadness about everything all over again. I downloaded a couple of dating apps. I deleted them within the hour. I am still nowhere near wanting to get to know anybody else. All I want is her.

 

I want to contact her so badly, but I know her H will see it if I manage to do so. I also know that I shouldn't regardless. She made her decision and I can't imagine she still feels the same way about me anymore. If she did she would talk to me, right? It's not on me anymore. But I feel like if I do get ahold of her, then things can go back to how they were, or get even better. It just completely sucks, still thinking that I have the power to change things when I know that isn't the case. It also sucks not knowing what she is up to anymore, not being able to speak to someone I got so close with regardless of the situation and consequences. Truly one of the most devastating things I have experienced. Then again, maybe I'm lucky if THIS is one of the worst things to have happened to me.

 

I don't know what to do. Rambling again, feeling so lost again. I am pathetic and weak.

 

That feeling to contact--I remember it well. Don't do it. Here's why. About 6 weeks into no contact, I met a lady in a group who cheated on her husband and was in the process of saying goodbye to her AP. We "compared notes." I asked her questions about her motives as the WW and she asked me questions to understand how her OM would be handling her final farewell. She did choose her husband, by the way, saying that the A brought a new side out in H that she wanted to explore with H. I showed her pictures of my xMM with his BW. This lady told me how unhappy he looked in the pictures and that I should contact him and he probably didn't know why I walked away...blah blah blah. Well that did make me relapse--it was a mindf*%k talking with her. I sent him a single text saying I missed him (with kiss emoticon included--oy vey!). He NEVER even acknowledged it. That still messes with me all these months later. The biggest heartache of all? Not once in almost 8 months has he tried to contact me (which is pretty cold considering). You want to reach out? Don't do it! Stay no contact. It is the ONLY WAY! Even now I feel like I want to confront him with my anger to get the closure I deserve from him, but I know that the most likely outcome of that is he won't give me anything I'm looking for and he will be rewarded knowing how much and how long I've suffered over him. Just NO!

 

I want to add that the source of my anger is the way he jacked me around. Romeo for a few weeks, then disappeared for a couple weeks (twice) without warning or explanation; saying he would do something then not following through; hurting me on my birthday and for nearly three months saying he will make it right but never actually did; and at last, when I asked him to meet up because I needed to talk with him face to face to determine if I needed to say goodbye or not, he completely ignored my request like I never said anything; ultimately when I shared my pain he said he didn't want to hurt me but didn't want to let me go (i.e. keep lining up at the trough as long as I was willing to put out and I would have to do all the hard work of letting go on my own). If he at any point just said what was on his mind about why he would disappear etc, I would have been accepting even if I didn't like it. But instead it was like a carnival ride not knowing which direction I'd be jerked next mixed with love chemicals that kept me high. I own my choices and was not innocent, but I would own more if I wasn't left so in the dark. Do you see a pattern here? Do you see similarities between my xMM and your xMW?

 

On the bright side...one month?! Congratulations! See how quickly that went? It will be a year before you know it and you won't feel nearly so wrecked by then. One foot in front of the other in the no contact direction. Keep it up!

Edited May 28, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Kjrrg]

I am so sorry that you are going through the same thing, WDID. Please stay strong.

 

Bluefeather you are right, I suppose. Maybe if I give it a while longer....ha, I'm nuts.

 

I do see the pattern, Had Me. Unfortunately your A went on much longer than mine did? And I think I did get some closure. It's just that part nagging me, telling me that she still "loves" me and if I just give it some time, everything will have cooled off by that point and we can get back on.

 

But she told me she thinks things will be okay with her H the last time we spoke in person. That her and I were done. Why can't I listen to THAT, and not everything before it when it seemed like she was still craving more of me? She did make it very clear the last time she messaged me, "I cannot talk to you anymore. I'm sorry."

 

Why can't I listen to that and not everything before it? I guess it still seems to me like she is conflicted, and staying only for the kids, and there has to be something I can do to give her the courage or realization that it's time to move on...to me.

 

Human beings are ****ed up, man. I am ****ed up.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

K-yes mine went for 13 months before I pulled the plug (after xMM said he "couldn't give me everything in life" and he wouldn't "change his life" [for me]. Yes you did get closure. Early on I know it was hard for you to accept but after time you will be thankful for it maybe.

 

Consider this (maybe I'm repeating my earlier posts on your thread but worthwhile): WW's are conflict avoidant. They often cheat because of lack in their marriages. The lack in their marriage is not because their spouse is 100% of the problem. Rather, the WW is just too cowardly to address problems. Inevitably all marriages have problems from time to time. WW is AT LEAST 50% responsible for the marital problems because WW is too conflict avoidant and cowardly to address with spouse. My next statement is framed cynically, but rings true. I think WW deep inside wants the A to blow up the marriage. It's the ultimate in passive aggressiveness. When A comes to light, it's highlights the problems of the marriage that WW was too chicken to address with spouse directly. In light of A aftermath, both WW & BS are forced to deal with those issues. See how the lady in my above story got a perfect outcome for herself? Husband changed because he didn't want to lose marriage and she liked the new him. Guess who lost out? OM. More later. My dinner is getting cold.

[Kjrrg]

Yup, she said before how she wished HE would just leave. Or that HE would let us "date" while they continued living together to co-parent. Honestly just ridiculous fantasies that I bought into. I swear I have never been this dumb before. And they are probably better than ever right now, or will be. And I will continue to be left out too. It is still just hard to believe the exact same thing that happens in most A's happened with us. This was not a special situation. But God how I hoped it would be.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Yup, she said before how she wished HE would just leave. Or that HE would let us "date" while they continued living together to co-parent. Honestly just ridiculous fantasies that I bought into. I swear I have never been this dumb before. And they are probably better than ever right now, or will be. And I will continue to be left out too. It is still just hard to believe the exact same thing that happens in most A's happened with us. This was not a special situation. But God how I hoped it would be.

 

Yeah, I totally get that, and I've been thinking about posting a couple quotes from xMM on your thread. Basically, these quotes are some pretty great compliments that he gave me and I believe they were sincere. It is tough to give that up, especially coming from someone you equally admire.

 

I will make an exaggerated point (but I think you are starting to see it for yourself)--hopefully this drives it home for you to quash any last bits of self-deception:

 

You may perceive her BS to be the big bad wolf, her as little red riding hood, and you as the white knight coming to her rescue, but that rescue is to rescue her marriage ultimately...not her from big bad wolf. Her BS is a regular dude and she is not a princess.

 

Oh, and by the way, xMM LITERALLY told me the first night we met that I would be his queen, he would be my prince (but I said emperor), and he would have time off from work to spend with me in the upcoming months. None of that happened.

 

Lastly, not to mess with you (so don't check this out until you are ready), but look into "hysterical bonding." According to what I read it can be pretty fabulous for the couple and helps them reconnect...so yeah.

Edited May 29, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Kjrrg]

Yeah I read up on HB before. I'm sure that is exactly what is happening. The thought kills me but...they are married. And were probably still having sex when her and I were in the A.

 

I really can't wait for all of these feelings to go away. I still love her. I wish I could stop.

[Kjrrg]

Can someone please tell me how to stop thinking that I can fix this?

 

My logical brain knows that when she said, "I cannot talk to you anymore. I am trying to make my family work. Cannot talk anymore." that this meant it was truly over.

 

Why do I keep thinking that if I just call her or go and see her I can fix it? That she'll remember how she feels?

 

I have been planning when a good time to do it is. Maybe give it another month and I can see where we are at, I keep thinking. Then I'll call her. Then we'll start back up again and she will come to me.

 

Why am I doing this?! Why can't I just get over it? My brain KNOWS it is over for good! So why can't I let go? Why am I planning to contact her again in the future? How can I stop? Seriously, can anyone tell me how? If they have had the same urges and how they curbed them? It's still driving me ****ing nuts!

 

If she wants to be with me, if she wants to contact me, she will. Why on Earth do I think this is still somewhat under my control. I'm sorry for repeating myself, for keeping this thread still going, but I truly cannot come to terms with this breakup yet and it has been a month and a few days. It's making me sick, I make myself sick for being so pathetic, what the hell do I do.

[jah526]

Yes, I've had issues with thinking I could fix things. Not quite in the way you are trying to do, but I kept thinking I could have a friendship with him without the physical stuff. But he never got on the same page with me, and kept trying to return to the physical.

 

At some point, after you've bashed your head into the wall X number of times, you will just get tired and stop.

 

I can't say I'm 100% out of the woods, but I believe I'm a lot closer now than I was 6 months ago. I think the things that have helped the most are time and distance. I try to refocus my energy on other things, and keep busy. I've cultivated some friendships with other people.

 

I know it hurts like hell, been through it. You'll get through it too, and you'll be the stronger for it. In the meantime, try to just be kind to yourself.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Can someone please tell me how to stop thinking that I can fix this?

 

My logical brain knows that when she said, "I cannot talk to you anymore. I am trying to make my family work. Cannot talk anymore." that this meant it was truly over.

 

Why do I keep thinking that if I just call her or go and see her I can fix it? That she'll remember how she feels?

 

I have been planning when a good time to do it is. Maybe give it another month and I can see where we are at, I keep thinking. Then I'll call her. Then we'll start back up again and she will come to me.

 

Why am I doing this?! Why can't I just get over it? My brain KNOWS it is over for good! So why can't I let go? Why am I planning to contact her again in the future? How can I stop? Seriously, can anyone tell me how? If they have had the same urges and how they curbed them? It's still driving me ****ing nuts!

 

If she wants to be with me, if she wants to contact me, she will. Why on Earth do I think this is still somewhat under my control. I'm sorry for repeating myself, for keeping this thread still going, but I truly cannot come to terms with this breakup yet and it has been a month and a few days. It's making me sick, I make myself sick for being so pathetic, what the hell do I do.

 

Hey! What you do is stop fighting yourself and judging yourself. What you're experiencing is normal. Remember the 5 stages of grief...bargaining is one of those. You are bargaining. It's ok to tell yourself you'll contact her in a month if it makes you feel better today...because by the time that month rolls around, you can say to yourself, "Mmm, I think I'll wait another month." That's what I did and after enough time the urge goes away. If it makes you feel any better, I had a fantasy for a couple months (that I shared with my counselor). I was trying to accept that my love story with xMM wouldn't come true, so I started fantasizing about having a family with someone else, having xMM (19 years older than me) living out his golden years in a cottage on our property, and our kids calling him Uncle (his first name). Then I could stiill enjoy his company while having everything in life he wouldn't give me. Yep, crazy fantasy. I told my counselor i knew it was crazy but in my perfect world I would love that outcome. My counselor shook her head emphatically and was like uh no, just forget about it. (Interesting that it's basically what he was getting instead during A.) Anyhow, if you really want to laugh, I still imagine that unrealistic fantasy from time to time even now. You are normal. Stop beating yourself up. You're not doing yourself any favors with that.

Edited May 31, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Kjrrg]

Thanks again guys. It's still so ****ing hard to not beat myself up or think that I can do something. I did try to message her again in a moment of weakness. I also heard that she was quitting her job. I thought that would make it okay for me to stay but...I couldn't. And I handed in my resignation today. Because even seeing that place keeps her on my mind more than ever. In fact, it might even be worse that she left? Now I miss her even MORE? Even though I couldn't see her? It really is so over and I feel like I'm back at day one with my recovery today. It feels like this will never end.