It IS finally over. But now what?

[freengreen]

oh you still sick!.., hope you get better soon.

 

So now she works around where you live... ugh, what pain. However, stay where you are, dont give in. You will get a ride and end up at this point again.

 

My advice: For a period of time, just get off facebook, twitter everything. I did for the exact reason.They will not let you move forward. Well now i do other useless things instead of checking on him but atleast they arnt a pain, they are just miscellanous but make me happy. Its been 4 months, I got off.. its such peace man.

[Kjrrg]

Turns out I have mono! So she gave me a nice physical parting gift in addition to all of the emotional suffering as well. Thank you!

 

Checking the fbook didn't set me back as bad as I thought it would. Today I'm mostly over it again, as I was the few days previously. However...when I DID activate the fbook again yesterday, it popped back up a message I had sent her a month or so previously. I didn't send her anything new. Yet her H messaged me AGAIN TODAY...basically telling me again that she is sharing these "stupid" messages with him, and that he gave her a choice when this all happened. She chose the path she is on and if she wanted to be with me she would. Which I totally agree with!

 

But he also said..."do I have to get nasty and share with you some of the less than flattering things I was told about you?" I don't know if that is just him trying to get in my head, or if she really did run me down. If she did, that is just disgusting and yes a bit upsetting. Why would she do that?

 

Either way, I once again did not reply to him, and I am not letting any of this get me too down. I am moving on as I was before. I will never check her fbook page again and the more time that goes by the less I am really thinking about her and what she is doing because I truly don't care. Right now, I need to get over this mono and find a new job. That is all I need to do.

[bluefeather]

Turns out I have mono! So she gave me a nice physical parting gift in addition to all of the emotional suffering as well. Thank you!

 

I'm pretty sure that "thank you" was sarcasm, but you actually should be thankful that mono is all she gave to you. Seriously, get on your freaking knees and be grateful. And I'm pretty sure you are lying to yourself and to us here when you say you won't check her fb again, but it's ok. That is a good goal to set for yourself. Kjrrg, you still have a lot of healing to do, my friend. But you're still at it, and I applaud you for that. Keep on walking.

 

I don't know if that is just him trying to get in my head, or if she really did run me down. If she did, that is just disgusting and yes a bit upsetting. Why would she do that?

 

Don't go there. I repeat: Do not go there. These are ego battles that will only take place inside your mind. You do not need to participate in these battles. Walk away.

[Kjrrg]

Hey, I still haven't looked again! Has it been a few days or months since the last time...? I had a dream I did, though. Boy was she happy in those dream fbook posts.

 

It has been getting easier still. I have been focused on trying to get over this sickness and finding a new job. Long climb out of the hole I have dug. And no, I am not going to worry about the "less than flattering" things that may or may not have been said. This person is no longer in my life, so why should I care? About anything pertaining to her?

 

Still, days like today I feel myself missing her strongly, more than days previously. But that's okay. Pretty soon we will have been "broken up" for as long as our A lasted. And I think I'm going to be just fine one of these days. I haven't cried or gotten too upset over her in a while, now. And I am honestly starting to forget what it was even like to have her in my life in the first place...that is a very sad idea to me, but it is what it is. And I guess it is necessary to continue the healing process.

[Kjrrg]

I really need to stop getting ahead of myself. Now that my sickness is FINALLY fading, I am back to thinking about her so much. Is this normal? To be fine for x amount of days and then sink right back into the ****? I feel like such a fool! Why can't I just stick with being okay? Am I just doing it to myself or can I really not help it?

[FoundMyStrength]

I really need to stop getting ahead of myself. Now that my sickness is FINALLY fading, I am back to thinking about her so much. Is this normal? To be fine for x amount of days and then sink right back into the ****? I feel like such a fool! Why can't I just stick with being okay? Am I just doing it to myself or can I really not help it?

 

Yes this is 100% normal, as I think I lot of others will agree. Good days, bad days. Good weeks, bad weeks. That's why we all advocate NC so strongly. It's really hard to break the habit of thinking about them, obsessing over them, wondering how they are. Many months later I still encounter triggers that make me want to reach out to him just to say hello. To ask how hes doing. We became addicted to them and it takes a long long time to unravel those hormones and brain chemicals.

 

Hang in there and whatever you do, don't reach out to her!

[Kjrrg]

The one thing I am sure of is that I won't reach out again. I haven't checked her fbook, or even looked at the few remaining pics of her. I've still been good there! Cuz I know what it will do to me. But thank you. I am trying to hang in there. I hate having to keep bump this thread but I am apparently still on the rollercoaster.

[bluefeather]

Is this normal? To be fine for x amount of days and then sink right back into the ****?

 

Yup. Very normal. Been there. Keep writing as much as you need to.

[rumblefish12]

It's very normal and don't beat yourself up about it. It isn't a failing on your part, it's just part of the healing process. You're right that you shouldn't go back and look at FB or pics, which will just make it worse. Do what you can, right. However, thoughts and feelings are harder to control. Don't fight those too hard, just watch them come and then go. Know they will go. Hang in there. As will I.

[whichwayisup]

Turns out I have mono! So she gave me a nice physical parting gift in addition to all of the emotional suffering as well. Thank you!

 

Checking the fbook didn't set me back as bad as I thought it would. Today I'm mostly over it again, as I was the few days previously. However...when I DID activate the fbook again yesterday, it popped back up a message I had sent her a month or so previously. I didn't send her anything new. Yet her H messaged me AGAIN TODAY...basically telling me again that she is sharing these "stupid" messages with him, and that he gave her a choice when this all happened. She chose the path she is on and if she wanted to be with me she would. Which I totally agree with!

But he also said..."do I have to get nasty and share with you some of the less than flattering things I was told about you?" I don't know if that is just him trying to get in my head, or if she really did run me down. If she did, that is just disgusting and yes a bit upsetting. Why would she do that?

 

Either way, I once again did not reply to him, and I am not letting any of this get me too down. I am moving on as I was before. I will never check her fbook page again and the more time that goes by the less I am really thinking about her and what she is doing because I truly don't care. Right now, I need to get over this mono and find a new job. That is all I need to do.

 

Many MM and MW throw their OW/OM under the bus when there's a DDAY. Why would you think she wouldn't? She probably threw some whopper lies your way about her marriage and husband, greatly exaggerated so she'd look like a victim in your eyes. Emotional manipulation! I bet if you asked her husband about some of the stuff she's told you, you'd hear a different story from him.

[whichwayisup]

The one thing I am sure of is that I won't reach out again. I haven't checked her fbook, or even looked at the few remaining pics of her. I've still been good there! Cuz I know what it will do to me. But thank you. I am trying to hang in there. I hate having to keep bump this thread but I am apparently still on the rollercoaster.

 

I hope soon you get the strength to delete and block her from facebook.

 

Try to keep busy, call up some buddies and go out for the evening. Join a gym too. Give yourself a certain amount of time to grieve each day then do your best to push through and not think too much about her.

[Kjrrg]

Thanks guys. Trying to hang in there and not beat myself up.

 

I don't use Facebook, haven't for years. I only made one as one of my last ditch efforts to contact her. It has since been deleted. I don't know why we get the urge to look when these people are no longer in our lives. I messed up and did it once last week, but I hope I never do again. Seeing a new picture of her just smiling away, settled back into her life as if I never existed would hurt so, so much.

[bluefeather]

Seeing a new picture of her just smiling away, settled back into her life as if I never existed would hurt so, so much.

 

Would you rather see her in pain? That is a very complex thought in your head. All social media is a game of masks. It always starts with, "What mask do I want to put on today? What do I want to show to the world?" It is everyone's chance of being famous and kind of pathetic. The point of that is: that person is going to show happy smiley pics, even if she is miserable. And for people like her - dishonest, unfaithful, obviously very unhappy with her marriage/life at one point, - she probably is quite miserable. As you slowly begin to realize this, your emotions may transform from sadness to confidence about the whole ordeal. It is a cycle. Break it to move on.

 

You got your heart broken over a few month relationship. It sucks, but you are single and only have yourself to worry about. This pain will last for some time until you are able to move on, but all of the pain was from a single event that can be healed with your will. In other words, you are in control, and you are better off without her. You will realize this in time. She, on the other hand, had an affair. Her marriage was years long, and she has a child, yes? Her healing will most likely be much harder, as she is not the only one in her life damaged by her actions. She has caused suffering to her family. Whether it is ever healed or not, the fact of what happened will not go away as long as they are together. That has much heavier consequences than your side. So whatever happy face is posted on that website, know that a broken bond has been introduced into what was supposed to be sanctified. I doubt she is really happy. But she is probably firing off on all cylinders to make things right and keep her broken life from completely falling apart.

 

When she got with you, it was a mistake. Don't take this as a bad thing. There is such a thing as a "happy mistake." Find a good thing in this. You have been given the opportunity to know what it feels like to have romantic fun... to feel in love... to desire and be desired. These feelings can come to you again, and even greater, in the form of another person - a person who is true to you. Do not trouble yourself to look back at this old time. Look forward to a better future.

 

If you happen to check again, and believe that she is truly happy, try something different. Be happy for her. Because then, as the saying about death goes, she is "in a better place," and you need to let her go. With love, let her go.

[rumblefish12]

Would you rather see her in pain?

 

If you happen to check again, and believe that she is truly happy, try something different. Be happy for her. Because then, as the saying about death goes, she is "in a better place," and you need to let her go. With love, let her go.

 

BlueF- I know you are correct and that is a REALLY healthy way to look at it. I always said I just wanted her to be happy. And if that meant without me, that's they way it should be. But, do I really REALLY want her to be happy? Or do I hope she's pining for me right now?

 

I'm going to keep working on it. I want to be healthy.

[bluefeather]

BlueF- I know you are correct and that is a REALLY healthy way to look at it. I always said I just wanted her to be happy. And if that meant without me, that's they way it should be. But, do I really REALLY want her to be happy? Or do I hope she's pining for me right now?

 

I'm going to keep working on it. I want to be healthy.

 

I do not know your story, so don't have much to comment there, sorry. Good luck on your journey, though.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I hope soon you get the strength to delete and block her from facebook.

 

Try to keep busy, call up some buddies and go out for the evening. Join a gym too. Give yourself a certain amount of time to grieve each day then do your best to push through and not think too much about her.

 

Hey, K! Adding onto this quote, sharing something I started recently that might help you too!

 

I downloaded an app on my phone to check off goals daily. Besides using it to ensure I drink enough water, remember my vitamins, veggies, etc., I also made a couple goals regarding xMM. Each day I don't cumulatively think of him for a half hour or more gets a check mark (as accomplished my goal for the day). The app tracks progress which you can see on a monthly calendar, graphically, longest streaks, and more. It's a little rewarding to look back and see how many checkmarks I got for each day I stayed on track. For you, you could put "didn't check xMW social media today" or whatever works for you. That way, when you're tempted to act in a way contrary to getting over her, you can first review all the other days you succeeded in not doing that and ask yourself if you really want to disrupt your success streak. Works for me. Some days I find myself ordering water during meals just so I can see my progress. I have two goals related to xMM. One I'm consistently good at and another I'm consistently not good, which reminds me daily that I need to keep working at that one. Best to you!

[Kjrrg]

Bluefeather, I hope she can find peace some day. But there is still that part of me that cannot let go and hope she realizes that she made a mistake. Not that I have anything to offer her, or anybody else at this point. My life is a burning pile of ****.

 

Thank you for the tips, HMOAB. I have tried that sort of thing before, but it never really worked for me. I always end up neglecting those apps.

 

Don't know what to do anymore. I just can't get over this. Can't stop my mind from thinking about her. I can't stop! No matter what I do! I can distract myself for a bit with activities, friends etc. But once I'm alone again it's back in the ****. What is she doing. Why do I care? I don't care, she is no longer a person that is in my life. Yes I do care, what is she doing right this second? Does she miss me? I wonder how many times they have gone out to dinner together. I wonder how many times they have had sex. I wonder what horrible things she is saying about me. Why did she do this to me. I love her. I hate her. I hate myself. I am honestly starting to wish I would just get wiped out by an oncoming car, not even see it coming, just take me out and end this ****ing misery. Oh god I am sorry for being dramatic but that is utterly how I feel right now. I want this to end and I do not care how.

 

What is it, 5 weeks now since I've seen/heard from her? Almost two months since our last night together and then D-Day. Almost as long as the actual relationship. Why can I not get over this? I feel weak, pathetic, worthless. I am still paralyzed by grief most of the time. What the **** is wrong with me.

Edited June 23, 2017 by Kjrrg

[What_Did_I_Do]

Bluefeather, I hope she can find peace some day. But there is still that part of me that cannot let go and hope she realizes that she made a mistake. Not that I have anything to offer her, or anybody else at this point. My life is a burning pile of ****.

 

Thank you for the tips, HMOAB. I have tried that sort of thing before, but it never really worked for me. I always end up neglecting those apps.

 

Don't know what to do anymore. I just can't get over this. Can't stop my mind from thinking about her. I can't stop! No matter what I do! I can distract myself for a bit with activities, friends etc. But once I'm alone again it's back in the ****. What is she doing. Why do I care? I don't care, she is no longer a person that is in my life. Yes I do care, what is she doing right this second? Does she miss me? I wonder how many times they have gone out to dinner together. I wonder how many times they have had sex. I wonder what horrible things she is saying about me. Why did she do this to me. I love her. I hate her. I hate myself. I am honestly starting to wish I would just get wiped out by an oncoming car, not even see it coming, just take me out and end this ****ing misery. Oh god I am sorry for being dramatic but that is utterly how I feel right now. I want this to end and I do not care how.

 

What is it, 5 weeks now since I've seen/heard from her? Almost two months since our last night together and then D-Day. Almost as long as the actual relationship. Why can I not get over this? I feel weak, pathetic, worthless. I am still paralyzed by grief most of the time. What the **** is wrong with me.

 

I'm in the exact same boat. PM me if you like.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

K, you're back to judging yourself. Your self-esteem has already taken a huge hit (like most others in this forum). Don't kick your own self while your down. You've read many other threads on here by now, right? If so you'll notice a common theme of getting over an AP is not exactly like getting over a typical romantic relationship. There are often questions unanswered, triangulation, a feeling that WW didn't perceive you worthy enough of the sacrafice to make good on promises, more. Often relationships die a natural death which helps people recover more quickly, but A seem to end suddenly. Add to that the push pull (my xMM actually referred to Stockholm Syndrome) that adds to the intensity during the A. It all makes for a powder keg that can blow up with just a spark. These are some of the reasons why getting over A takes so long. There is nothing wrong with you. What you are experiencing is par for the course in this type of situation albeit agonizing! It will take time. Give yourself a break, give in to the grieving but don't let it overtake you for too long periods, and focus on activities that make you feel good. For example, I had a Friday night ritual I gave up during A that I'm getting back into now...it provides a sense of normalcy, peace, and rhythm to my life that I had before xMM that I'm working on getting back to.

[freengreen]

Bluefeather, I hope she can find peace some day. But there is still that part of me that cannot let go and hope she realizes that she made a mistake. Not that I have anything to offer her, or anybody else at this point. My life is a burning pile of ****.

 

Thank you for the tips, HMOAB. I have tried that sort of thing before, but it never really worked for me. I always end up neglecting those apps.

 

Don't know what to do anymore. I just can't get over this. Can't stop my mind from thinking about her. I can't stop! No matter what I do! I can distract myself for a bit with activities, friends etc. But once I'm alone again it's back in the ****. What is she doing. Why do I care? I don't care, she is no longer a person that is in my life. Yes I do care, what is she doing right this second? Does she miss me? I wonder how many times they have gone out to dinner together. I wonder how many times they have had sex. I wonder what horrible things she is saying about me. Why did she do this to me. I love her. I hate her. I hate myself. I am honestly starting to wish I would just get wiped out by an oncoming car, not even see it coming, just take me out and end this ****ing misery. Oh god I am sorry for being dramatic but that is utterly how I feel right now. I want this to end and I do not care how.

 

What is it, 5 weeks now since I've seen/heard from her? Almost two months since our last night together and then D-Day. Almost as long as the actual relationship. Why can I not get over this? I feel weak, pathetic, worthless. I am still paralyzed by grief most of the time. What the **** is wrong with me.

 

Force yourself to find ways to get out of it.. keep forcing yourself until you make it. This is a hard brick wall you have to break, you wont make it with a spoon ( of strength).. you need a spade, you need a sledge hammer.... still it will take time.

 

Did you try ' you play with me?, watch me how I turn out to be better and stronger' attitute?... yes its silly that I actually faked this attitute for a while, because I am not that type of person who hold grudges and get compititive. I am a slow and calm soul bascically but I faked the resilience and anger and that I will emerge stronger out of all of it. After all that drama with myself, I didnt come out stronger and all... I think I am coming out wiser and simpler, and that is enough for me.

 

Find ways, force ideas... nothing comes out of self pity and sobbing. You have it in you, the strength, but you are not bringing it out. But this is a tough fight, you need ( or fake) to be tough. Remeber to stop faking after crossing the bridge

[Syre17]

I know it's easier said than done, but hang in there.

 

I was well conditioned on the whole yo yo dynamic, wanting to believe what I was being told, making excuses to myself for her actions/inactions. Feeling as if I wasn't "understanding" it'd drive her away. I think a lot of it is subtle (or outright) manipulation by them.

 

I don't like anyone having that kind of power over me or my emotions, so you might think about it in that regard meaning not allowing it. That and think of all the $#iT they've (she's) put you through to refocus your thinking.

 

Be well and take care of you.

[Kjrrg]

Edit: Okay that was all very pathetic. I know what I have to do, it's just so difficult to even get myself out of bed sometimes. It's not JUST her, but it's her and the result of the decisions I made regarding her. I don't even have a job right now and the clock is ticking even though I'm trying like hell to get a new one. It's just bad. Urges to look at her facebook again for some signs of life because she might as well be dead right now, even though I know she isn't and I know what looking at her page will do to me. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. I have my first ever counseling session tomorrow, we'll see if I end up going. I doubt it'll help any but what do I know.

Edited June 25, 2017 by Kjrrg

[Syre17]

I know I have to force myself out of this and that I shouldn't beat myself up. But I have always been one to do that. And now it's so, so much worse. I know what I have to do but at the same time I just can't stop. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am not sure where to even start.

 

I have a counseling session tomorrow for the first time. I don't even want to go. I am sick to death of reliving this nightmare. I am sick to death of everything. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore.

 

I still haven't looked at her facebook page. But the urge is building inside of me. I don't want to know what she is doing but at the same time I do so badly want to see some signs of life because right now she may as well be dead. But I know she isn't.

 

How could I let someone do this to me after a TWO MONTH "RELATIONSHIP"? Maybe this was supposed to happen, my life always having been so worthless that this is all it took to ruin it. Two ****ing months. I hate myself more every day.

 

I'm sorry. This is all so overdramatic and pathetic sounding. But it's just how I feel right now and I cannot help it.

 

Counseling will do you some good so try to embrace it. I'm an extremely resilient and mentally tough individual...the type who never saw myself going to a therapist. But, guess what?!? That's where I landed and what I did after my EA. I've never been through anything so tough in my life, period. I think the catharsis with someone, a professional, will help you immensely. My therapist was great and very helpful to me and I actually looked forward to our visits. It's important to have a non-judgmental person who can give you their perspective through a clear and different lens.

 

You must have had some strong feelings for being in the funk you're in after only 2 months. Mine spanned the course of 5 years...and is why I got D'd. Talk about a $#iT show...

[Kjrrg]

I never thought I would need it either. Turns out I need SOMETHING. I do have very deep feelings. I don't know why and I wish I didn't. Some people have been through this for YEARS so I feel a bit ridiculous.

[bluefeather]

I have my first ever counseling session tomorrow, we'll see if I end up going.

 

You better effing go! I want you to be better.

Go, go, go.