It IS finally over. But now what?

[Syre17]

Edit: Okay that was all very pathetic. I know what I have to do, it's just so difficult to even get myself out of bed sometimes. It's not JUST her, but it's her and the result of the decisions I made regarding her. I don't even have a job right now and the clock is ticking even though I'm trying like hell to get a new one. It's just bad. Urges to look at her facebook again for some signs of life because she might as well be dead right now, even though I know she isn't and I know what looking at her page will do to me. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. I have my first ever counseling session tomorrow, we'll see if I end up going. I doubt it'll help any but what do I know.

 

You need to do something for yourself...so definitely go to counseling.

 

You're clearly hanging all (or the majority) of your happiness on her and the relationship which is not uncommon, but also is neither good or healthy. Probably most of us have been there...

 

Every day of NC, not looking at her FB and all that stuff gives you back some control. Every minute, every day is a win for you. Fight the urge to look; it'll only open up your wounds.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I never thought I would need it either. Turns out I need SOMETHING. I do have very deep feelings. I don't know why and I wish I didn't. Some people have been through this for YEARS so I feel a bit ridiculous.

 

Dude, seeing going to counseling as an admission of weakness is like thinking you are too smart to be educated. "I'm too smart to go to university." Uh no. Don't prejudge and embrace the opportunity to become a better you.

[Kjrrg]

I'm sorry, I really shouldn't prejudge. I am going to go even if I have to drag myself by my own collar.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm sorry, I really shouldn't prejudge. I am going to go even if I have to drag myself by my own collar.

 

It's cool. Remember it'll take a few sessions to see results. Counselor has to get to know you and your background before helping you to start processing. Consider asking about counselor's methodologies (e.g. cognitive behavioral), professional background, and areas of specialty (addictions, co-dependency, trauma, family, etc.). Don't be afraid to check out a couple counselors for the best fit. I've had a couple who I thought were more bananas than me so I replaced after one or a few sessions. I've had two long term counselors that I've really liked and found helpful. Good luck!

 

Edited to add: Sometimes I wonder if people resist counseling because they resist facing their demons. I just want to encourage you to hang in there even if it gets uncomfortable. Tell your counselor anytime you are feeling discomfort. They should know when to push and when to back off. Keep posting here meanwhile! Hugs.

Edited June 25, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[BreakingWave]

K-

 

I am right there with you, buddy. I have been borderline obsessed with the idea of killing myself for the past couple of weeks. I know I won't, but it does seem like the only way to make it all stop sometimes.

 

Right now I am trying to examine how my own history, personal struggles, and fear of inadequacy led me to get into my A and tolerate such mistreatment in the first place. I hope therapy works for you - I wish I could go, seriously. Please let us know how you feel afterward.

 

BW

[Kjrrg]

BW yes please do not. But I totally understand the feeling, obviously.

 

Thank you Had Me, I will ask her about all of this. And yeah the idea of truly facing my demons is sort of scary. I'm not sure what else I want to find out.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

BW yes please do not. But I totally understand the feeling, obviously.

 

Thank you Had Me, I will ask her about all of this. And yeah the idea of truly facing my demons is sort of scary. I'm not sure what else I want to find out.

 

K, how was your first session?!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

K-

 

I am right there with you, buddy. I have been borderline obsessed with the idea of killing myself for the past couple of weeks. I know I won't, but it does seem like the only way to make it all stop sometimes.

 

Right now I am trying to examine how my own history, personal struggles, and fear of inadequacy led me to get into my A and tolerate such mistreatment in the first place. I hope therapy works for you - I wish I could go, seriously. Please let us know how you feel afterward.

 

BW

 

Dear BW, please don't. I understand how you're feeling. I was just watching a documentary on suicide over the weekend called the bridge. I get it. I sympathize. Please try not to focus on xMM as much as what you love and what makes you happy (think what were those things before A). Take care!

 

Sorry for tj, K!

[Kjrrg]

First session was nice. I felt better after unloading a bit. I asked her if I'm crazy for wanting to contact again, she actually encouraged it so that we could meet in person for "closure". Then admitted this was bad advice. Then I had a bit of an epiphany that I already got my closure, my answer. The answer is her wanting me to **** off forever, I guess. So I felt okay for a day or two after that...but I'm right back into missing my xMW again and daydreaming about contacting her. But I still have not. Nor have I looked at any if her social media since that one day. I have a new job lined up as well, by the way.

 

Still. None of this changes the fact that I miss her so. Bad. I really can't keep yo-yoing like this. It's killing me still.

[SummerDreams]

I just read your whole thread and god was it painful to see such an insecure young person. I will give you some tough love because this is the only thing that works for me. If it doesn't wirk for you, please feel free to dismiss it:

1. This woman is in a whole different phase in her life than you are. She has had her youth to have her fun, flirt, have sex with multiple people etc. She has had the joy of meeting her H, marrying him, living as a newly wed, having her kids, seeing them grow up, she has had the joy of marriage and motherhood. What have YOU had? Being with this woman would eliminate the right you have to experience all these things I described. You would be in the middle of a family, kids who would hate you, an ex-H who would make your life miserable every day, drama drama and more drama, obligations that would not be yours only for what? For being proud that you won this older woman who used you for sex, took advantage of your insecurities and sacrificed your youth to be a rebel? Oh you don't even know how lucky you are to have dodged this bullet... You will know it when you find a girl your age who is only yours and you build your lives together step by step.

2. Do you know those knives they use to cut chicken? Do you know how much they cost? 2$. This is how much her H could have spent to cut your face and leave you with a scar forever. Think about it.

[jah526]

I asked her if I'm crazy for wanting to contact again, she actually encouraged it so that we could meet in person for "closure".

 

Omg, sometimes I really wonder about these counselors. The last one I went to said the same thing, that I should go talk with him. And guess what? I took that horrible advice and prolonged my pain for an extra 4 months. Glad you were smart enough not to do that.

[bluefeather]

Omg, sometimes I really wonder about these counselors. The last one I went to said the same thing, that I should go talk with him. And guess what? I took that horrible advice and prolonged my pain for an extra 4 months. Glad you were smart enough not to do that.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about what the counselor said, but I'm glad that she backed out of that idea... :/ Then again, we don't know the whole story and maybe that was just a small part of the discussion that was easy to dismiss? Either way, at least you got to talk to someone and let some of that stuff out.

[Kjrrg]

It wasn't just pride, SD. I do have genuine feelings for her. If we did together I'm sure it would be so very difficult. But I didn't care at the time. I still don't. Sort of. But I understand completely what you are saying.

 

When I asked my counselor if I was crazy for wanting to contact again, I WANTED her to tell me that I wasn't and that it was normal and to never ever do it again. She didn't do that and it honestly set me back a bit to think that maybe I SHOULD do it? Even though I know it's a terrible idea. It was only our first session though and I was talking a mile a minute at some points and really overloading her with information. So. Who knows what she will have to say next time. But overall she is very nice and was still very helpfful.

[bluefeather]

Did you tell her that you attempted contact with her so many times that the husband had to tell you to back off?

 

I know you have already heard this before, but if she wanted to reach out, she would have done it a long time ago. Some people are going to come into your life, and then for one reason or another, they will choose to step out. You do not control them, so all you can do is accept their wish to not be in contact with you. Whether it was good or bad, she made her choice. Please respect her boundary and do not contact her again.

 

Every time you come back with the same problems, everyone tells you the same answers.

And so life will continue to teach you these lessons, over and over, until you learn them.

This can be seen as a great joke of life, but really, it is a great gift.

You will be guaranteed to learn this lesson, no matter how many times it may take... No matter how many lifetimes

You will get the message, you will get the idea, and you will learn.

 

Keep at it, Kjrrg! Keep on keepin' on.

[Kjrrg]

I did tell her about the H and everything. I do not WANT to contact her. But I have the urge. Weird right? And like I said I wanted her to tell me that it is normal to feel this way but to NOT do it.

 

I know I have no control over her or this situation and if she wanted to talk, she would. She won't ever be back. And that sucks. But it is what it is.

[jah526]

I did tell her about the H and everything. I do not WANT to contact her. But I have the urge. Weird right? And like I said I wanted her to tell me that it is normal to feel this way but to NOT do it.

 

I know I have no control over her or this situation and if she wanted to talk, she would. She won't ever be back. And that sucks. But it is what it is.

 

I think your instincts are good. It's like an addiction to any kind of drug. If you're trying to quit smoking, you know you have to stay away from cigarettes, but that doesn't mean the urge isn't still there. Just takes time and distance. The longer you stay away, the weaker the urge gets.

 

Yes, it's totally normal to feel that way, but don't do it.

[bluefeather]

I did tell her about the H and everything. I do not WANT to contact her. But I have the urge. Weird right? And like I said I wanted her to tell me that it is normal to feel this way but to NOT do it.

 

I know I have no control over her or this situation and if she wanted to talk, she would. She won't ever be back. And that sucks. But it is what it is.

 

Well, I'm telling you, as are others, that it is NOT weird, and do NOT do it.

[BreakingWave]

I think it's totally normal. I also think it would be a TERRIBLE idea, given the threats of restraining orders, etc. Just don't go there.

[Kjrrg]

Still have the urge to contact today. So I am going to post here to remind myself why this is a bad idea and how stupid I have acted instead of doing so.

 

1.) The first time we broke NC was a few days after DDay and she actually responded in kind and it seemed like we would be back on. Then she disappeared again and either she or her H or both together started systematically removing all ways to contact her. Not sure what changed, whether her guilt finally became too much for her to bear...I don't know. But she was seemingly really done this time.

 

2.) Still had her on Skype. She messaged me after I passed her a note at work like a 15 year old that while it made her smile, she cannot talk anymore.

 

3.) Still not taking the hint, I ask her in person if we are really done. A long drawn out "yeahhhh" is the response, and when I ask her if things will be okay at home, "I think so". This is the last time I saw her, May 17th.

 

4.) Still not taking the hint, I continue to message her Skype. I get yet another angry message from her husband. I am up to 4 now.

 

5.) The last time we spoke, she said very plainly that she cannot talk anymore. She is trying to make her family work. Cannot talk anymore. Sorry.

 

6.) Still not taking the hint, I message her on fbook. Angry husband message number 5.

 

As I have said, I have not messaged her or looked at any of her social media (there isn't much) since that last time , June 14th. So for me, that is when true NC started, not even 3 weeks yet. I hope to God I can keep it up. I am trying with all my might to NOT let this happen, even though it has become such a fantasy. "Give it some time, message her in a while, maybe things will have calmed down at home, she won't be monitored anymore and she can finally admit to me that she is miserable and wants to be with me. Of course she won't message me first though, she is embarrassed and/or ashamed of what has occurred so she obviously needs me to make the first move!" Even though I have tried numerous times by now to contact her. If she wanted to be with me, she would. Even her H said so.

 

What an absolute joke. The human mind is a minefield of bad decisions and illusions. Please let me keep stepping between the explosions instead of directly on top of them from now on. I can't keep doing this to myself.

 

19 days and counting now since I finally decided to abide by her decision to go NC. Please let it continue, I ask even as my mind continues to hold on to this false hope that she will be back one day.

[Kjrrg]

And yknow I keep thinking if I had played it cool, if I had just backed off she would still be talking to me. **** that. We would be back in the affair if anything. Don't want that. And there was no reason to "play it cool". She ****ing left me. Of course I flipped out. What else do you do in this situation?

[lostgirl87]

I think whatever you have to tell yourself to keep from reaching out in that moment is fair game. If delaying contact (in your mind) allows you to not reach out today, then keep telling yourself that.

 

The hardest thing, I've realized, is letting your heart catch up to what your logical, rational mind already knows. This means that even if you logically tell yourself "it's over. She made her choice. She's never coming back", your heart isn't ready to accept that and that's what allows the hope. Continue to allow your rational thinking to tell yourself that it's over. If for now it makes our heart feel better to think that she'll be back then that's ok. Just don't let that hope overpower your rational mind. One day, with enough NC and most importantly, time, your rational mind and your heart will be on the same page. And then ine day, you'll wake up and wonder what you'll have for breakfast. Then it'll be 2:30pm and you'll think "hm. I haven't thought about her all day". It'll take time. And it's ok!

 

Again, the most important thing is to not let your heart and hope dictate what your brain thinks. Allow your rational mind to tell your heart that it's over, that she's not coming back, that you need to move on. Eventually, you'll feel that way too.

 

Good luck!

[bluefeather]

You deserve better than a woman who would use you and lose you. Girls like that are the ones you need to avoid, so she did you a favor by leaving.

[Kjrrg]

I had to buy a new phone today. Upon installing Skype, I opened it, and it gives me a message:

 

"Do you know xMW?"

 

Without thinking I clicked accept. My mind was in a panic. I didn't even recognize it as a contact request. Did she really just request me on purpose? Because now she is on my list, and the only way for that to happen is for one of the people to send a request and the other to accept it. Is it possible this is one of her old requests from that day she was trying to get ahold of me? I had her on my list that day after accepting, and then she removed me after our last conversation. Is it one of her old requests? One of mine? Or did she really just re-add me? What is happening?

 

Either way. If it is an actual request and she sends me a message, if it has anything to do with other than an apology and the revelation that she is single, then its a block. Even though it will kill me to do so. I can't let her set me back. But I am quite stunned.

[bluefeather]

:sigh: Hey Kjrrg.

 

I think that just by accepting it, you have already set yourself back. But even this is normal. It happens sometimes. Sometimes, it's a mistake, other times it's a legit reaching out from the ex... but it does tend to happen after some time has passed. The funny thing is it tends to happen, often, right when the one who got dumped is finally starting to move on.

 

I would suggest that you remove and block that person right now, but I don't really think you will be able to do that atm. I think the idea that she could be reaching out, or even of just seeing her name there, is too tempting to let go of :/ So I am just going to say, "it happens," and hope that this passes out of you as painlessly as possible.

[SummerDreams]

You seem like a person who won't move on unless they fall completely in dirt. I understand you cause I'm like this too. Do you have any support from family or/and friends? Someone has to be there for you and remind you that you dodged a huge bullet and you had it easy. Her H could have harmed you, remember that. I don't know whether you can see it now but once some months have passed and you start realizing it, you will jump from joy that you escaped very nasty stuff that he could do to you.