It IS finally over. But now what?

[lostgirl87]

It's hard to believe right now but the thoughts of "if only I could talk to her" are making you feel a million times worse. I know we can't help how we feel and I don't mean to do that. What I'm saying is you can control your thoughts. Whenever you feel like reaching out or looking at twitter or for any form of communication with her, think about this feeling. Think about yourself. Think of how crappy you feel every time you try to reach out or hope she reaches out. You feel like HELL. So avoid that by telling yourself "NO! I'm not going to think that way. I'm going to focus on myself and my healing. If she gets to focus on her healing, then why can't I? Why am I fighting for someone who won't fight for me or even speak to me?". You've gotta talk to yourself and knock some sense into yourself. You could spend years longing for someone if you allow them to take over your mind. Mind over matter. I can feel a certain way but after talking enough sense into myself, I snap out of it. At least for the moment. Over time, That "moment" gets longer and longer and before I know it, I've moved on.

 

It's easier said than done. And I'm currently having this talk with myself but it has to be done!

[Kjrrg]

I will do my best. That is all I can do, now. Thank you all for your replies.

[Kjrrg]

**** I can't do it. I'm at work right now, and even though I don't think she is here, I can't stop bawling like an *******. It's not a great job, just a ****ty part time gig and she is higher up on the chain in a different position so we don't have to see each other at all. Still. I just went and chugged beer in the parking lot. I just wanna quit so bad. Or have her back. This is killing me.

[FoundMyStrength]

If it's a sh*try part time gig and you can afford to quit or can easily find another job, you might want to consider it. It's going to be very difficult staying there and getting through this. Even if you don't see her, the workplace itself is a trigger.

[Kjrrg]

I saw her in the hall an hour or so ago. We said hi but that's all.

 

Huge trigger. This is where 90% of our intimacy occurred, after hours in cars. It is ****ty but I can't quit with no back up. But. I have a lead on a couple jobs and I'm going to keep applying. I sure wish I could walk out right this second, though.

[aileD]

How old are you?

 

I feel like I'm back in high school.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, you really are getting some great advice here from other posters. I can tell you as a former OW that this is going to suck and won't be easy. My first week I lied in bed almost the whole time and cried my eyes out. I went to support groups and counseling. It was rough! Now at 7.5 months NC I am much better but still have days with tons of anger towards xMM. My point is take the advice offered here; it won't be easy but it is the best thing for you. The first day you commit that it's over is the first day of your recovery. One step at a time, one day at a time, you will get there. You have to take that first step though. I winced when I read that her husband contacted you--I think that means she has recommitted to him to the point that she is sharing all with him including each and every attempt you make to connect with her. Her loyalty is to him now. not you. I'm sorry--I know that hurts like hell! Maybe she is trying to give it the ol' college try with him and maybe it will work or not. Either way, you wallowing in the maybe is going to severely delay your recovery and multiply your pain. Take some time for yourself and get some professional help. You decide that it is over (you making this decision will empower you--I learned that from my therapist but know it's not so easy when you are pining over the would've/could've/maybes). Lock yourself in a quiet dark room and cry and scream and do whatever it takes to get the pain out. Don't hold it in. I wish you the best and keep posting. Good people on here will help and support you!

[Kjrrg]

Thank you all so so so much. I am listening to what all of you are saying, it's just one step forward three back. When we were talking again for a day or so after the "breakup", she said he told her after the fact that he had messaged me. Maybe he just has total control of her phone...that's what I'm thinking. That is what leads me to keep trying, because it feels like it's him trying to keep us apart instead of her. Which, that is fair of course it is his wife. But if she wants to be with me she should. But then again, if she did want me to be in her life still she would do something about it...

 

Guys I pathetically hit her up on fbook as well, as a last resort. Despite numerous Twitter blockings. She hasn't looked in a couple days. I also wrote her a note and had someone give it to her saying to check. Still holding out hope over here that this is something I can control...or looking for her to tell me to **** OFF. Even though I guess she already kinda has by ignoring me.

 

**** I hate myself. I can't stop! What is wrong with me?! I feel so much for her. So much. She started this damnit. Now I'm left in the dust.

Edited May 11, 2017 by Kjrrg

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Thank you all so so so much. I am listening to what all of you are saying, it's just one step forward three back. When we were talking again for a day or so after the "breakup", she said he told her after the fact that he had messaged me. Maybe he just has total control of her phone...that's what I'm thinking. That is what leads me to keep trying, because it feels like it's him trying to keep us apart instead of her. Which, that is fair of course it is his wife. But if she wants to be with me she should. But then again, if she did want me to be in her life still she would do something about it...

 

Guys I pathetically hit her up on fbook as well, as a last resort. Despite numerous Twitter blockings. She hasn't looked in a couple days. I also wrote her a note and had someone give it to her saying to check. Still holding out hope over here that this is something I can control...or looking for her to tell me to **** OFF. Even though I guess she already kinda has by ignoring me.

 

**** I hate myself. I can't stop! What is wrong with me?! I feel so much for her. So much. She started this damnit. Now I'm left in the dust.

 

My dear, you are doing what LS posters here call the "Pick me" dance, which is well documented as being the WORST way to win the cheater's affections (or anyone for that matter). Even if she were on total lockdown by her husband, you are making yourself look desperate and weak which is off-putting, totally unattractive, and even repulsive (especially to women imo). Sorry to put it harshly, but you must realize this. Even if she is on the fence about where you two stand, when she starts comparing tough husband who has taken a stand to 2 months AP who is groveling for a crumb, any crumb, you are making her decision EASY! STOP, JUST STOP! Please, your future self will thank you if you just stop obsessively trying to get a response from her now. You are digging your grave, especially on your self esteem. Now is the time to pause on what she is feeling/thinking/doing, get pissed that she is treating you this way, and immediately start processing these emotions rather than denying them and the truth of what is happening here. SELF CARE--REPEAT, FOCUS ON SELF CARE! Yes, you are in shock, but just stop spinning. Take a time out. Go out of town for a couple of days if necessary. You have the power within yourself. Do it!

[Kjrrg]

You are absolutely right. All of you. It's time to stop. I am deactivating the Facebook. I am stopping everything. I am going to try and move on. It is going to suck. So much. But I have to do it.

[Kjrrg]

After all that, after NC for days, and finally reserving myself to move on last night...

 

She finally messaged me today, apologized for everything, and said he has access to all of her accounts.

 

I'm still moving on. But I'll talk to her when she can. And if she ever wants to get a divorce she can come find me. I think I'm honestly getting over this already regardless of what happens next, but who knows.

[BTDT2012]

After all that, after NC for days, and finally reserving myself to move on last night...

 

She finally messaged me today, apologized for everything, and said he has access to all of her accounts.

 

I'm still moving on. But I'll talk to her when she can. And if she ever wants to get a divorce she can come find me. I think I'm honestly getting over this already regardless of what happens next, but who knows.

 

Just no. Why should you be the one to provide ego kibbles for her. She made her choice.

[jenkins95]

...her H messaged me again, asking me to please let them move on with their lives.

Kjrrg. I really feel your pain and frustration, but how much clearer a message could you want than this - directly from her H?

 

Please, please, please never contact her agai Kjrrg. If you attempt contact now when both have asked you not to, then they could get really p*issed off and angry with you - even see you as a stalker. Think their kids and don't put yourself in that position. Chalk this one up to experience and move on, you deserve so much better.

 

You will be OK, the pain will fade. Bottom line, you don't need this drama and you deserve so much better.

 

Keep posting and I wish you nothing but the best.

Edited May 11, 2017 by jenkins95

[spiderowl]

You know you really ought to realise something: this woman is not a prisoner of her husband. She married him; she is choosing to please him instead of you. If she wanted you instead she could walk out on him now. You are looking at this as though she is being held against her will. She is married, that's all.

 

You do not have to fit around her marriage. You can find someone who is available to you.

 

I know it hurts but just because she contacts you once in a while does not mean you should hang around for her. What gives her the right to keep you on the side, dangling like this, while she stays with her husband?

[Kjrrg]

I don't know, it just feels like there is still a chance...I am ****ed up. I know.

[Overtaxed]

I don't know, it just feels like there is still a chance...I am ****ed up. I know.

 

A chance for what? To wind up on the infidelity forum in a few years posting about how your awesome W cheated on you during your engagement and never stopped? Why on earth would you want to invite a person like this into your life? She's cheating now, if you "win" and get her, there's a very high possibility your marriage won't last (something like 90%), and, even if it does, there's a high possibility she will cheat again. So what the heck are you trying to "win" here? IMHO, you've already won, you got some NSA sex with a woman, her husband hasn't beat you up, you haven't been fired, you've basically gotten away completely free. Good memories without any of the pain that will, without question, come if you keep maintaining this relationship.

 

The "pick me" dance is the one step that it's good to suck at. Because, if you win, you'll likely find out that the "prize" was FAR worse than losing. I know it doesn't seem like that today, but you don't want this woman in your life, she will do to you what she's doing to others now, you'll never be able to truly trust her. The best way to "win" right now is to never see this woman again and cherish the stolen time you have with her. Those times are going to be far better than the ones ahead if you actually do get her full time.

[freengreen]

Thank you all so so so much. I am listening to what all of you are saying, it's just one step forward three back. When we were talking again for a day or so after the "breakup", she said he told her after the fact that he had messaged me. Maybe he just has total control of her phone...that's what I'm thinking. That is what leads me to keep trying, because it feels like it's him trying to keep us apart instead of her. Which, that is fair of course it is his wife. But if she wants to be with me she should. But then again, if she did want me to be in her life still she would do something about it...

 

Guys I pathetically hit her up on fbook as well, as a last resort. Despite numerous Twitter blockings. She hasn't looked in a couple days. I also wrote her a note and had someone give it to her saying to check. Still holding out hope over here that this is something I can control...or looking for her to tell me to **** OFF. Even though I guess she already kinda has by ignoring me.

 

**** I hate myself. I can't stop! What is wrong with me?! I feel so much for her. So much. She started this damnit. Now I'm left in the dust.

Always remember, people will find a way if they wish to have it. Look at yourself, you are trying every possible way to get her back. Look at her, she aint giving a shht. The one side of the see-saw wont come down unless you lift your arse up from the otherside. Its YOU who is bringing yourself down and lifting her up. Please will you stop doing that?.Like Overtaxed said, This is a game where winners are number one losers. You dont have to win or even play the game.

 

Why am I trying so hard after someone who wont even give a damn about me- This was my epiphany ergo my panacea.

Edited May 12, 2017 by freengreen

[Kjrrg]

I know all of you are right. I know it in my brain.

 

After our brief chat yesterday where she said she couldn't talk, but didn't answer when I asked if, maybe in time we can resume...? Just changed the subject and talked for a few more minutes, seemed happy that she got to "see my handwriting" made a couple of jokes and disappeared but left me on her contact list. So she isn't shutting the door completely it seems when she does this.

 

But when I woke up I saw that she deleted me from Skype once again. It was the last little thread of hope I had, that she would leave me on her contact list and talk to me again soon. (Let's be honest I still have hope) Maybe she took me off so her husband doesn't see. Maybe I should get a ****ing grip and realize the answers I'm looking for are right in front of me. How am I going to deal with three kids if she leaves her husband? How can I trust her? Of course I believe now that I can trust her implicitly and that everything would be perfect. I wish I could stop thinking this way and get over it already.

 

But I can't. I am so, so, so horribly upset. Physically and mentally I feel so much ****ing pain and I miss her so ****ing much. Why did I allow this to happen? I had the biggest crush on her before this even started. Before the A, I thought she was so beautiful, funny and kind. Now I am 100% addicted. She came at me like no woman had ever done and I could not, still can not believe that she wanted ME and that I got HER. It is truly unbelievable.

 

She sucked me in and promised so many things. And now I am alone, and sobbing every day, and all I want to do is stop living. I mean, I don't have the guts to do anything to myself, but if I saw a car coming at me I don't think I would move out of the way.

 

This is the darkest timeline. I am a wreck and I will never recover.

[Overtaxed]

I know all of you are right. I know it in my brain.

 

After our brief chat yesterday where she said she couldn't talk, but didn't answer when I asked if, maybe in time we can resume...? Just changed the subject and talked for a few more minutes, seemed happy that she got to "see my handwriting" made a couple of jokes and disappeared but left me on her contact list. So she isn't shutting the door completely it seems when she does this.

 

But when I woke up I saw that she deleted me from Skype once again. It was the last little thread of hope I had, that she would leave me on her contact list and talk to me again soon. (Let's be honest I still have hope) Maybe she took me off so her husband doesn't see. Maybe I should get a ****ing grip and realize the answers I'm looking for are right in front of me. How am I going to deal with three kids if she leaves her husband? How can I trust her? Of course I believe now that I can trust her implicitly and that everything would be perfect. I wish I could stop thinking this way and get over it already.

 

But I can't. I am so, so, so horribly upset. Physically and mentally I feel so much ****ing pain and I miss her so ****ing much. Why did I allow this to happen? I had the biggest crush on her before this even started. Before the A, I thought she was so beautiful, funny and kind. Now I am 100% addicted. She came at me like no woman had ever done and I could not, still can not believe that she wanted ME and that I got HER. It is truly unbelievable.

 

She sucked me in and promised so many things. And now I am alone, and sobbing every day, and all I want to do is stop living. I mean, I don't have the guts to do anything to myself, but if I saw a car coming at me I don't think I would move out of the way.

 

This is the darkest timeline. I am a wreck and I will never recover.

 

Just because it's in your brain doesn't mean that it's not terribly painful. Read some stories on here about betrayed spouses; there's almost never any physical pain, it's all emotional. And yet, people still compare it to losing a parent or something equally traumatic; I'll tell you, I'd rather be branded across 1/2 my body than go through the pain of an A. So, short version, your pain is real, it's legitimate, and you shouldn't feel wrong for feeling it. One of the worst things about being a BS is the mind movies, picturing your spouse with another person. Entirely in your mind, you weren't there, you'll never know what happened, and yet, it hurts like hell. Well, you were there, you did know what was happening, and you did feel things for this person, so, don't expect it to not be a big deal, of course it is.

 

I'm sorry you're here. You don't seem like the kind of person who should ever be an OM or WS, which, honestly, speaks volumes to your character. You will find someone else, and that new person will wipe the memories of the A away. People have different processes to heal, but, in your case, I would go out and find something casual, have some fun with someone else, boost your ego, just make sure the other person knows it's "just for fun" and enjoy yourself. It will help you get over this faster, IMHO, and you'll realize there are plenty of other people out there who can make you heart beat fast. Because there are. And most of them who aren't married aren't bad people out to hurt you.

[Kjrrg]

The idea of being with anyone else...just no. I can't even. I'm so ****ed in the head I do not find anybody else attractive nor am I able to see myself doing so in the future.

[anika99]

This is pretty over the top for an affair that only lasted for two months. I don't think you really love her, you are in love with your fantasy of her. You are infatuated and have placed her up on a pedestal and the fact that she seems so unattainable is fueling this Romeo and Juliette drama you are writing in your head.

 

As she is older and married with children she likely knows this isn't really love. Sincere deep love takes a long time to develop. At only two months it is all infatuation, lust and hormones. The infatuated stage is the stage where we make poor decisions in picking a partner because we are not thinking clearly and are even somewhat delusional. This woman has three children with her husband. Seriously, where do her children fit into your fantasy? You see yourself with her and her children skipping off in the sunset together? You want to support three kids that aren't yours and who will probably hate your guts?

 

If you ever ended up with this woman the reality of that probably wouldn't appeal to you for very long. The bloom would fade from that rose pretty darn fast and you'd be looking for an out in no time flat. This woman is a cheater but she isn't stupid. She's not going to play with her children's lives by putting them through a divorce and taking them away from their father all so she can play fulltime with her affair partner of two months. At least not if she has any sense and any desire to put the wellbeing of her children over her fun and games.

 

You need to try to put this into perspective and see this situation for what it really is. It's futile and its toxic and unrealistic. You are chasing unicorns and rainbows that don't exist. Find a different job and stop obsessing over her every move and gesture.

[Overtaxed]

The idea of being with anyone else...just no. I can't even. I'm so ****ed in the head I do not find anybody else attractive nor am I able to see myself doing so in the future.

 

I'm going to say this in the most PC way possible. Your big head, absolutely, it's twisted and torn. The other one? Not so much. And actions really do have a way of changing thoughts, it happens all the time. I'm not saying this is the best, or only way to heal, I just know that sometimes a good romp with someone else will help take the sting out of your present situation much faster than ruminating on it. If you don't want to, I get that. But you can, I guarantee that, put an attractive woman in front of you, and you'll pretty quickly forget about "can't" and be right back in the game.

[Kjrrg]

I know it's over the top Anika. But I can't stop how I feel. Isn't it possible that she will come back to me if I give it time? Am I truly insane over infatuation? We were together numerous times I figured infatuation would pass at that point...

 

Overtaxed I would love to but I just can't see it.

[Overtaxed]

This is pretty over the top for an affair that only lasted for two months. I don't think you really love her, you are in love with your fantasy of her. You are infatuated and have placed her up on a pedestal and the fact that she seems so unattainable is fueling this Romeo and Juliette drama you are writing in your head.

 

As she is older and married with children she likely knows this isn't really love. Sincere deep love takes a long time to develop. At only two months it is all infatuation, lust and hormones. The infatuated stage is the stage where we make poor decisions in picking a partner because we are not thinking clearly and are even somewhat delusional. This woman has three children with her husband. Seriously, where do her children fit into your fantasy? You see yourself with her and her children skipping off in the sunset together? You want to support three kids that aren't yours and who will probably hate your guts?

 

If you ever ended up with this woman the reality of that probably wouldn't appeal to you for very long. The bloom would fade from that rose pretty darn fast and you'd be looking for an out in no time flat. This woman is a cheater but she isn't stupid. She's not going to play with her children's lives by putting them through a divorce and taking them away from their father all so she can play fulltime with her affair partner of two months. At least not if she has any sense and any desire to put the wellbeing of her children over her fun and games.

 

You need to try to put this into perspective and see this situation for what it really is. It's futile and its toxic and unrealistic. You are chasing unicorns and rainbows that don't exist. Find a different job and stop obsessing over her every move and gesture.

 

Couldn't have said better. You have a crush, a HUGE crush on her, made worse because she's unattainable in your eyes. But that's what it is, you're not in love with her and she not with you. Love at first sight is a myth, it's an action, you show love for other people, you work at love, you make love. It's not something that happens to you, that's lust. But to be in love, it takes 2 people working at it; even if you were doing that, she wasn't.

 

And what was suggested above is perfect, what was the "3 years from now" future? Still her AP, still getting the scraps? Full time dad to her kids? Married (which would never happen because of CS/alimony payments she'd be getting from her XH)?

 

You are in terrible pain now. I promise you, a year from now, you'll look back and be so thankful this over, not the pain, but the relationship with someone who's unavailable. You only wasted a few months. A lot of people waste YEARS chasing an AP. Women lose their chances at having kids because they are pining for an AP for so long. Don't let that be you; love is an action, direct that action towards other people who love you back.

[freengreen]

I know it's over the top Anika. But I can't stop how I feel. Isn't it possible that she will come back to me if I give it time? Am I truly insane over infatuation? We were together numerous times I figured infatuation would pass at that point...

 

Overtaxed I would love to but I just can't see it.

The only one fooling yourself is YOU here. Where is that hope of being together with her coming from?!.. I dont see a thing either.