It IS finally over. But now what?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

This!!!

 

This should be pinned.

 

This was me once!

 

Describes the cheater minset to a tee. When the **** hits the fan, it quickly becomes every (married) man for himself. Collateral damage was, to some extent, expected from the start, however regrettable it is.

 

I appreciate this post, Jenkins. It was validating. Disappointing to have it confirmed, but validating. Thank you.

[jenkins95]

I appreciate this post, Jenkins. It was validating. Disappointing to have it confirmed, but validating. Thank you.

 

Thank you HMOAB

 

It's like others have posted. The MM tends to be weak. He didn't mean for anyone to get hurt, all this was meant to be fun, right? No one was meant to ever find out about it, right?

 

And then....hearts get involved (often including the MM), discoveries are made, things get complicated, **** hits fans and the MM finds himself in an impossible situation which he is totally emotionally unequipped to deal with. He ends up in a situation where he is guaranteed to break someone's heart - usually many! He is out of his depth. He often crumbles under the pressure, his weakness exposed...and disappoints and lets down everyone.

 

The fact is, all of those of you have been hurt by this kind of man deserve a better character of man than this. In all likelihood, even if you had had a legitimate relationship with him, his character flaws would have caught up with him and damaged your relationship in some way. My faults have been laid bare due and after my A and I'm trying to do everything I can to reform and strengthen my character so that I never put myself, my family or any other person in such an **** situation ever again.

 

No one wins in affairs, no one! When AP and MM get together, the fallout of what they have done will probably follow and haunt them forever and damage many of their relationships - then of course there is the pain caused tothose they leave behind.

 

When the marriage reconciles, I can tell you from personal experience that the MM does not escape pain scot free, even though it may look like they have just dumped you, run off and started again as if nothing ever happened. Nearly two years out, I am still often a complete emotional mess and my head is full of demons that I fight on a daily basis. I will never be the same person again (neither will my BS, and presumably the OW - I wish her only the best)....but I am working hard to be the best person I can possibly be!

 

Affairs guys! Why did we do it? Never again! At least we've got each other!

[FoundMyStrength]

By hinting at possible futures or "something happens outside of my control" this leaves the other person in a cruel limbo, especially when they want with all their heart for there to be a future and so they will latch on to such ambiguity and generate false hope from it - a kind of "emotional slavery".

 

Thank you Jenkins for this post and for coming up with a term for what has bothered me most about my affair. Emotional slavery. Yes, that is what i​t felt like. Still does, in a way, due to the breadcrumbs he leaves me. Like he is unwilling to let me go. The kindest thing an xMM/xMW can do post affair is disappear entirely. From your other posts, it sounds like you have given your xOW that freedom. I can assure you from the OW perspective that that has undoubtedly helped her to heal.

[FoundMyStrength]

Broke down sobbing in my car. I ****ing hate this. I hate myself and my ****ing life. She probably doesn't give a ****.

 

Hang in there, Kjrrg. It does get better. She may or may not give a ****, but that doesn't make how you feel any less important. It feels like **** to be discarded the way OM/OW are by their MM/MW.

 

Try to fight back against the feelings of self hate. My guess is that, like for me, this is one of the biggest mistakes of your life. But it is only one mistake. It's not you as a person. And this MW, as important as she is too you right now, is just one person, a short chapter in the book of your life. Don't give her any more power than that.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Kjrrg, I want to tell you this and I hope the time comes for you sooner or later than you will be able to appreciate it (because I know right now you are hurting):

 

One thing I ABSOLUTELY HATED about my xMM is how emotionally unavailable he was with me. Even in our communications I could sense him holding back--on facts, day to day life, who he really was, etc.

 

You, on the other hand, are the exact opposite. You give me hope that decent men are out in the world who are truly authentic in their feelings, fearless in connecting with a woman, fearless in demonstrating their eagerness in maintaining that connection, unafraid to love, unafraid to take chances, willing to honor and protect the woman they love no matter the cost.

 

That is AWESOME!!! Now you just need a woman who will give that back to you. Thanks for demonstrating your awesome, fearless capacity to love. It can seem a rare trait to women at times. You give me hope!

Edited May 16, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel
typo

[freengreen]

Broke down sobbing in my car. I ****ing hate this. I hate myself and my ****ing life. She probably doesn't give a ****.

Go through it... its heart wrenching, I know, I once went through too. It wont disapper completely but you will grow so over it, it wont be significant at all.

 

You will come out of it stronger and then you know how this trap works. Takecare

[Kjrrg]

Thank you again for all of your replies. I was counting on hearing from MW this morning, thinking that seeing me and sharing a few words in person (nothing about US) would spur something. But the only communication I got from her was in the dream I had before I woke up!

 

I do love the MW very much and that is why I can't let go and why I keep taking chances to try and talk to her. Even if it hasn't been long enough to some, even if I don't know every single thing there is to know about her. I love what I do know and the time that we spent together and I am always going to wish for more, even if it was wrong. I work with her again tomorrow. I want to say something and get some sort of final answer from her, still. I am also terrified of doing this because I don't want to bother or hurt her, I don't want to hurt myself. Who knows what I am going to do.

 

I still see my ex. I come over a few times a week to either hang out or help her. We are still very much friends. She has loads of depression and other issues I can't get into without being too personal, but I have been trying to help her while managing my own problems and it is hard. I laid with her today while she was crying miserable about everything, not just us. I still love and care about her and sometimes I think maybe I should just go back. But that isn't fair to her and I shouldn't be making decisions when I'm this vulnerable, right? But I am not sure if going back is actually the right thing to do and I am resisting it? Because all I think about still is MW. I want what I felt with MW again no matter what. Or I want it with someone else if I truly have to let MW go. I don't think I'll ever feel that again with my ex despite still caring for her greatly...

 

So yeah. This mess isn't going to end anytime soon, is it?

 

Edit: Adding that I am not leading my ex on by being friends. She herself said she is looking forward to being single for now, because she hasn't been for so long. Still, she hasn't shut the door on us in the future. But I thought I did that myself.

Edited May 16, 2017 by Kjrrg

[bluefeather]

I think you need to not be romantic with anyone right now. It's like you went dancing, and then sprained your ankle. Your ankle isn't done healing yet, but still, you think about going out and dancing with someone else.

 

You're not done healing. Not even close.

[Quiet Storms]

Thank you again for all of your replies. I was counting on hearing from MW this morning, thinking that seeing me and sharing a few words in person (nothing about US) would spur something. But the only communication I got from her was in the dream I had before I woke up!

 

I do love the MW very much and that is why I can't let go and why I keep taking chances to try and talk to her. Even if it hasn't been long enough to some, even if I don't know every single thing there is to know about her. I love what I do know and the time that we spent together and I am always going to wish for more, even if it was wrong. I work with her again tomorrow. I want to say something and get some sort of final answer from her, still. I am also terrified of doing this because I don't want to bother or hurt her, I don't want to hurt myself. Who knows what I am going to do.

 

I still see my ex. I come over a few times a week to either hang out or help her. We are still very much friends. She has loads of depression and other issues I can't get into without being too personal, but I have been trying to help her while managing my own problems and it is hard. I laid with her today while she was crying miserable about everything, not just us. I still love and care about her and sometimes I think maybe I should just go back. But that isn't fair to her and I shouldn't be making decisions when I'm this vulnerable, right? But I am not sure if going back is actually the right thing to do and I am resisting it? Because all I think about still is MW. I want what I felt with MW again no matter what. Or I want it with someone else if I truly have to let MW go. I don't think I'll ever feel that again with my ex despite still caring for her greatly...

 

So yeah. This mess isn't going to end anytime soon, is it?

 

Edit: Adding that I am not leading my ex on by being friends. She herself said she is looking forward to being single for now, because she hasn't been for so long. Still, she hasn't shut the door on us in the future. But I thought I did that myself.

 

Oh, man. These things are so terribly predictable.

 

Here is how you will feel five years from now:

 

You will have gotten over the addiction to your MW. You will wish that you could still be with your ex, but by now she is with someone else.

 

I would bet my 401k on it and I would be rich.

[BreakingWave]

Kjrrg - I just wanted you to know that I am also involved with a MW. Our stories are not exactly the same (I'm a woman, and our affair started after years of friendship.) Yet so many of the feelings you describe and the emotional roller coaster you're feeling are so familiar to me. I just wanted you to know I'm reading your story and in solidarity with all the things you're feeling. You aren't crazy, and you aren't alone.

[Kjrrg]

bluefeather you are right.

 

Quiet Storms you are probably right.

 

BreakingWave...thank you. I hope your situation works out. Being in limbo is torture.

Edited May 17, 2017 by Kjrrg

[Kjrrg]

I asked her point blank if we are done today. She said that we are. I asked if things were okay with H. She said they will be. I have never. Ever. Felt this ****ing destroyed

[Kjrrg]

She ****ing used me. She doesn't even care. Can't even squirt a tear. Back to her ol life while I turned mine upside down for her. And i am left with nothing. Why the ****

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I asked her point blank if we are done today. She said that we are. I asked if things were okay with H. She said they will be. I have never. Ever. Felt this ****ing destroyed

 

Well, at least now you've heard it from the horse's mouth.

 

She ****ing used me. She doesn't even care. Can't even squirt a tear. Back to her ol life while I turned mine upside down for her. And i am left with nothing. Why the ****

 

And now give in to the anger.

 

 

5 stages of grief: denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and acceptance

 

Be prepared to jump amongst these for a period of time--each time lessening in intensity until you finally feel indifference. I think anger is the one that reminds you most of your own sense of self and that you will make it through this. Please consider IC. I also think your exGF still has feelings for you and hopes for a future relationship with you based on what you wrote. In light of the pain you are experiencing over your xMW, please be sensitive to the possible pain your exGF may be experiencing due to false hope. Act responsibly in that regard (not like your xMW). I agree with other posters here who have said you're not in any state of mind right now to get involved with anyone. A licensed counselor can help you sort through this much more quickly than trying to do it on your own.

Edited May 17, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[bluefeather]

She ****ing used me. She doesn't even care.

 

Hallelujah, he sees the light. And the truth will set you free.

[Kjrrg]

The truth still hurts just as bad. I am a ****ing moron. But tomorrow I try to start my life over again. Hopefully it won't be as ****ty as last time.

 

Thank all of you for your support. I cannot express my appreciation enough. I will continue to update if you are interested. I don't know where I go from here. Maybe somewhere better

[Kjrrg]

Woke up feeling lousy. Had a bit of a cry. Sent her another Skype contact request with a message (the only way to get ahold of her) basically apologizing again. I was getting ready to start my ****ty day.

 

Then she made another Skype account and messaged me.

 

Her: For some reason I am unable to see your messages from my phone but HUSBAND can from his. This happened the other day and I am unable to see anything. I get a notification then when I go to open it up, it's gone.

 

Her: I cannot talk to you anymore. I'm sorry.

 

Me: Ever again? Is it because you are actually recommitted to making it work over there?

 

Her: Yes, I am trying to make my family work. Cannot talk anymore.

 

Me: Okay. I am sorry for continually bothering you. I just thought there was still a chance.

 

Her: Sorry.

 

Me: It's okay. I understand. If you ever change your mind, if anything changes, don't think it's ever too late to reach out. I won't bother you again, until I hear from you. If I do.

 

Eyuck okay so still pretty pathetic in my handling of this but after this final exchange I was truly ready to let go. But 20 or so minutes after this, her H messaged me again. He basically said I need to stop this, that SHE has been "very clear" that she doesn't want to talk anymore, that she wanted to be civil but this has been going on too long and he is becoming increasingly concerned for her safety. He said if I make any more attempts to contact her, they will file a complaint at our work and get an order of protection. As usual, I did not reply but I am so ****ing done.

 

Look, I don't think she was very clear at all since D-Day. Everything she has said since April 29th has felt like she has had a gun to her head in doing so until today. I just keep thinking back to May 3rd, a few days after D-Day when we were talking normally again and she was showing little remorse, in fact planning on seeing me again but not "for now". I don't know what happened between that day and today besides me telling her off for disappearing again, but we have both apologized to each other again since that "fight" and she still never confirmed she was truly done with me until last night/today.

 

I don't want to be thought of as a crazy stalker. She is the one who refused to give me a straight answer for so long, and acted like we were going to start up again once things cooled down with her H. But then she goes on to give him MORE account access and tells him about my attempts to follow her breadcrumbs? I don't get it. All I wanted was closure. I guess I got it. I guess I shouldn't have kept pushing. But she kept leading me on. For ****s sake, why?

 

She still has me on her Skype contact list, despite being offline. I'm sure that will change tomorrow. Still, why not remove me now? I should probably block HER this time. Oh give me the strength.

Edited May 18, 2017 by Kjrrg

[bluefeather]

She freaking told you yesterday that it was over and you STILL bothered her?

You might be bordering on harassment.

 

It's okay. I understand. If you ever change your mind, if anything changes, don't think it's ever too late to reach out.

 

You have no self-respect. And even though you heard the words of her, as well as people on this forum, you did not listen.

[Kjrrg]

She did tell me. But then she made a new Skype today, messaged me and I stupidly thought it was for other reasons.

 

But I get it. I am nuts. I do not have any self-respect. I will not be messaging her again. I still just can't believe that it ended like this.

[BTDT2012]

Just stop it before you find yourself unemployed with an order of protection against you.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

She did tell me. But then she made a new Skype today, messaged me and I stupidly thought it was for other reasons.

 

But I get it. I am nuts. I do not have any self-respect. I will not be messaging her again. I still just can't believe that it ended like this.

 

GET COUNSELING NOW! What are you waiting for? Save your self from this downward spiral. A professional counselor can help you put everything in perspective and drastically speed your recovery. Do it now! Focus on you. The things she said that seemed like she was giving you hope were 1) keeping you on her string for ego gratification, and/or 2) she didn't have the decency/courage to tell you she played you. She's a piece of crap...you just don't want to see it. How much more are you willing to lose? How much more loss will you need to incur before you finally face the truth? Sorry this is harsh, but you have to take care of yourself. She is NEVER coming back. Please get professional support before you give up anything more to this very unworthy person.

[freengreen]

Its over , you got your answer in person.

 

Any attempt after this moment from you takes you more close to being an ' uninvited stalker' or even 'harasser'.

 

Move on.. in the other direction.

[Kjrrg]

I am moving in the other direction. I won't contact her any further. I won't be getting counseling either. I will just eat this rotten **** until it is gone, or less of it. This has ****ed me right up

[freengreen]

Yeah, its such a waste of life that we could have done something else, but hey we learn. Learn is the keyword here, why? because if she comes back ( I bet she will someday, only to go back to her H again , I double bet this ) you must be at a place where you kindly without any feeling, reject her petition to ruin you more.

 

It was not nice seeing you in pain, hope your updates will sound better from now on .

[Kjrrg]

It has been three weeks since DDay. It doesn't even feel like it has been that long. Morning's are the worst. Sometimes throughout the day I feel like I'll get over it, but that might be the self-medicating which obviously wears off by morning. I work for the next three days, and she will be there for two of them. While I won't see her unless she happens to pass by me, the idea that I can just walk out of that place and never come back is so ****ing appealing. Like I said before, it is where 90% of our interactions took place over the course of the A. Even at my new place, where she only visited one time (the day before DDay) I get waves of sadness when I walk up these stairs that we both did together that night. The hurt is really unbearable sometimes and I'm not sure how to move past it. I also keep listening to "our songs" and looking through her pictures. While I know I shouldn't do that, I also can't bring myself to delete any of it because of the good memories. Even the bad ones. I don't want to lose them, because I already lost her.

Edited May 20, 2017 by Kjrrg