It IS finally over. But now what?

[FoundMyStrength]

This is probably not the advice many will give, but has worked for me. Much like I have done for other legitimate ex's, I've kept the pictures and chats, etc. HOWEVER, I don't keep them accessible. A long time ago, I purged my phone and HD and put everything on a USB stick that I gave to a friend for safekeeping.

 

I am sentimental, so found it hard to delete these things. But it is taking a step backward every time you look at her picture. So I would advise deleting them or doing what I did. It will only set you back to be able to look at them. Think of it like an addiction. Each view is like taking a hit of the drug. A dopamine rush that keeps you connected. Just looking at pictures (my only access to him) kept me connected and wanting him back for several months. It prolonged the hell. Don't make my mistake.

 

I also kept them as evidence. I suspect my xMM would throw me under the bus in a second if this comes out, and I want some evidence of how it developed and his very active role in it. Particularly given that it was a workplace affair and he was my supervisor.

[freengreen]

This is probably not the advice many will give, but has worked for me. Much like I have done for other legitimate ex's, I've kept the pictures and chats, etc. HOWEVER, I don't keep them accessible. A long time ago, I purged my phone and HD and put everything on a USB stick that I gave to a friend for safekeeping.

 

I am sentimental, so found it hard to delete these things. But it is taking a step backward every time you look at her picture. So I would advise deleting them or doing what I did. It will only set you back to be able to look at them. Think of it like an addiction. Each view is like taking a hit of the drug. A dopamine rush that keeps you connected. Just looking at pictures (my only access to him) kept me connected and wanting him back for several months. It prolonged the hell. Don't make my mistake.

 

I also kept them as evidence. I suspect my xMM would throw me under the bus in a second if this comes out, and I want some evidence of how it developed and his very active role in it. Particularly given that it was a workplace affair and he was my supervisor.

Ok, looks like she wrote my story , i will continue where she left. I printed out loads of papers of our chats and filed them and gave it to a friend but I promised myself that I will let go few every month. I started with chats which were just boring convos with nothing special in them... its been 8 months since then, I am only left with 5 pages. 3 of them are very very pleasant chats and 2 pages are when he got annoyed when I said I could not manage giving a present I said I would. I am going to let go my plesant ones next month as I actually dont have any interest left to sit and read through it.

 

I will keep the last one for 2 more months, until his birthday and let it go. While in A we got into 2NC periods around my birthday, he never wished, for all the effort I had put into 2 of his birthdays, he still did not. This time, its my turn BIG TIME... I wont wish and will set him and me free ... that is my plan. Looking forward to it.

 

Sorry to hijack, but if these silly ideas work.. they arnt silly anymore.

[Rebelnoir]

It has been three weeks since DDay. It doesn't even feel like it has been that long. Morning's are the worst. Sometimes throughout the day I feel like I'll get over it, but that might be the self-medicating which obviously wears off by morning. I work for the next three days, and she will be there for two of them. While I won't see her unless she happens to pass by me, the idea that I can just walk out of that place and never come back is so ****ing appealing. Like I said before, it is where 90% of our interactions took place over the course of the A. Even at my new place, where she only visited one time (the day before DDay) I get waves of sadness when I walk up these stairs that we both did together that night. The hurt is really unbearable sometimes and I'm not sure how to move past it. I also keep listening to "our songs" and looking through her pictures. While I know I shouldn't do that, I also can't bring myself to delete any of it because of the good memories. Even the bad ones. I don't want to lose them, because I already lost her.

 

I know how you feel as I work with MM. It does get easier. There are so many people on here with good advice, try and follow it even though you may just want to wallow and as hard as it seems. It's really helped me.

 

I think part of what you need to do is separate your idea of the relationship from the reality. It can't have been great as affairs never are, and even if it was at one stage it hasn't been recently. Focus on that as much as you can. Write a list of every ****ty thing she has said and done, every bad feeling she has caused you, and read it whenever you feel bad. It won't be easy because love really does make us blind and it's so easy to focus on the good. But, like me, you need to focus on what's real. The reality is the relationship is over. Work towards accepting that, even though it's not what you want. No matter what you say or do she has made her choice.

 

Also remind yourself that no woman is worth getting a criminal record for. And that could be where this is headed.

 

You control your thoughts. Find something new to focus on. Allow yourself designated, scheduled wallow time. Read up on mindfulness. Anything to divert your thoughts from her 24/7

Edited May 20, 2017 by Rebelnoir

[Kjrrg]

Ya know, at least once per week she would do something that made me feel ****ty. Disappear from a conversation for an entire day, come back and tell me she couldn't do this anymore only to allow it to start back up again a few hours later or the next day. Once in a great while I would say something sweet, she would ignore it then a few moments later say "I'm sorry, that was really nice I should have replied to it". For like a week straight once she came up with excuses for not being able to see me, legit or not I do not know. She would make grandiose plans about spending an entire day together only to cancel. 2-3 times she seemed fully intent on actually seeing me on a day off, but ended up not. We only ever hung out late at night, after one or both of us had been at work.

 

I spent a lot of time trying to pull us back from the brink. Which is probably why I kept fighting after D Day, because she ALWAYS came back. I guess she always felt guilty and I kept pushing it and making it happen so it is my fault. But she is the one who came after me in the first place, reciprocated my feelings and told me she loved me. What else was I to do? I guess not be an idiot? Not likely apparently.

 

I ignored all of the signs. I lived on the hope that she gave me when things were good. I shouldn't have done that. I wish I could have used my ****ing brain.

 

There is still a tiny part of me that thinks, hopes she will be back someday. Because she actually loves me. What a bunch of bull****. Maybe?

Edited May 21, 2017 by Kjrrg
A bit too much personal information I think...

[FoundMyStrength]

The truth is she may be back some day. But the offer she'll have for you will be much worse. Because now she knows that you're willing to take up permanent residency as her Plan B, second choice, not quite good enough for the starring role in her life position. She knows you'll be there every time she gets a little bored with her life, marriage, or husband. To brighten her day or week before she gets skittish again and drops you cold.

 

Figure out now whether that's an offer you're willing to accept. Is she really worth it?

[Kjrrg]

I honestly doubt she will be back after all of this. That doesn't extinguish the hope. Is she worth it? I don't know. I don't know ****ing anything anymore. Am I? What am I worth? I willingly went along with this, hurting her family, hurting myself and my ex. What is my worth exactly?

[spiderowl]

Ya know, at least once per week she would do something that made me feel ****ty. Disappear from a conversation for an entire day, come back and tell me she couldn't do this anymore only to allow it to start back up again a few hours later or the next day. Once in a great while I would say something sweet, she would ignore it then a few moments later say "I'm sorry, that was really nice I should have replied to it". For like a week straight once she came up with excuses for not being able to see me, legit or not I do not know. She would make grandiose plans about spending an entire day together only to cancel. 2-3 times she seemed fully intent on actually seeing me on a day off, but ended up not. We only ever hung out late at night, after one or both of us had been at work.

 

I spent a lot of time trying to pull us back from the brink. Which is probably why I kept fighting after D Day, because she ALWAYS came back. I guess she always felt guilty and I kept pushing it and making it happen so it is my fault. But she is the one who came after me in the first place, reciprocated my feelings and told me she loved me. What else was I to do? I guess not be an idiot? Not likely apparently.

 

I ignored all of the signs. I lived on the hope that she gave me when things were good. I shouldn't have done that. I wish I could have used my ****ing brain.

 

There is still a tiny part of me that thinks, hopes she will be back someday. Because she actually loves me. What a bunch of bull****. Maybe?

 

The problem is, if someone is married, their marriage is their first priority. Everything else fits round it. She was busy with her marriage and was fitting you in around it. You deserve to be a main part of someone's life not an accoutrement to it. She has been utterly selfish, wanting her marriage whilst keeping you hanging around in the background. I have no doubt that she would still keep you in the background if she thought her husband would let her get away with it. Beware of her coming back later on when she thinks he is no longer monitoring her. Don't let her use you like this.

[FoundMyStrength]

I honestly doubt she will be back after all of this. That doesn't extinguish the hope. Is she worth it? I don't know. I don't know ****ing anything anymore. Am I? What am I worth? I willingly went along with this, hurting her family, hurting myself and my ex. What is my worth exactly?

 

At a certain point, I think most of us OW/OM have to confront this. And honestly all of us made a series of pretty sh***y decisions to have gotten into an affair with someone who's married. My view is that I have a chance to make amends moving forward. I know I will never want to do this again. And I've learned how my weak boundaries, attachment and abandonment issues, and poor impulse control contributed to it occurring.

 

I dunno. I think that's all we can do. Realize we're worth more than scraps of love, break it off with the MM/MW, do some serious self reflection and therapy to figure out why it happened. And then one day allow ourselves to find a better, more fulfilling type of love. Someone who's available to care about us all the time, not just late nights after work before going home to their spouse.

[Kjrrg]

I had that and ****ing threw it away for this. I mean I wasn't satisfied but it wasn't BAD. It just...was.

 

Hearing you guys say she might be back gets my hopes up, even though again it is doubtful after all of this trouble. And the fact that it gets my hopes up means I am not nearly well enough yet. Oh I would take her back in a SECOND. I'm truly ****ed up.

[BreakingWave]

And I've learned how my weak boundaries, attachment and abandonment issues, and poor impulse control contributed to it occurring.

 

This. This is exactly what I'm going through, too. I just love the way you put it.

[freengreen]

Kjrrg, its been not long, you still raw so I understand you feel like taking her back in a sec. But the thing is you have to realise that you are worth more than taking back someone who put you thru all this.

 

If you see on her side for now, she has done the roght thing going back to her family. Yet, no one guarentees her remorse. You know what, I somehow gather a little respect for those who dont come back to peck what ever is left. This is actually callous than bidding a bye and sticking to it. HOWEVER, what ever relationship it is, I think that one should let go ( if it comes to that) gently and not play cat mouse. Shes been playing it.

 

If she dosnt come back she was actually putting a genuine effort towards her marraige throwing you under the bus...which is err good in the big scene ( even for you). If she does come back , it could be that she loves this game, the punching bag game.

 

Your feelings are not out of order, people go through pain and intensely. Dont stagnate or go back.... mope, crawl or drag yourself forward.

[FoundMyStrength]

As freengreen said, if she leaves you alone now that she's reconciling, it's probably a sign that she does care for you and respect you as a person. She is giving you your freedom instead of keeping you attached to her.

 

It's when they come back, even less invested and more emotionally distant, that they show their true selfish, ego-driven, cake-eating side. It's hard to let her go, but don't accept her leftovers.

[Kjrrg]

Every day it's the same thing. I resolve that I'm going to move on, and the next morning I wake up and it happens all over again and I am truly lost and miserable. I can't stand it anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't stop thinking about her.

[stillafool]

Every day it's the same thing. I resolve that I'm going to move on, and the next morning I wake up and it happens all over again and I am truly lost and miserable. I can't stand it anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't stop thinking about her.

 

Maybe you should get professional counseling since you can't seem to move on.

[Kjrrg]

Okay. After I had my little morning poor me crying fit, I said **** this. I am done.

 

I deleted all of her pictures. Even the few of us together. I may regret this in the future, but right now all they are is a temptation to look at and flit through in a sad montage as I listen to "our songs".

 

I removed her new Skype from my contact list (even though she already removed me AGAIN a few days ago. It's my turn. Small victory.)

 

I am really close to deleting her number from my phone...but I'm not there yet. It is the last vestige of possible contact I have with her. Maybe in a few months I can message her and see if things have changed...or maybe I won't give a **** anymore.

 

Point is I think I will get over this despite my manic mood swings. I'm still not close, not at all. It still hurts down to my bones. But I think I can see the tiniest light in the distance.

 

I am so sorry that I come off like a desperate, needy teenager that can't get this breakup through his head. But I really am trying, and all of you and my support system IRL have helped so much. I can never thank you enough. I will continue updating. I'm sure sometimes I will be a wreck when I do, but here is to more positive ones in the future.

[jenkins95]

Okay. After I had my little morning poor me crying fit, I said **** this. I am done.

 

I deleted all of her pictures. Even the few of us together. I may regret this in the future, but right now all they are is a temptation to look at and flit through in a sad montage as I listen to "our songs".

 

I removed her new Skype from my contact list (even though she already removed me AGAIN a few days ago. It's my turn. Small victory.)

 

I am really close to deleting her number from my phone...but I'm not there yet. It is the last vestige of possible contact I have with her. Maybe in a few months I can message her and see if things have changed...or maybe I won't give a **** anymore.

 

Point is I think I will get over this despite my manic mood swings. I'm still not close, not at all. It still hurts down to my bones. But I think I can see the tiniest light in the distance.

 

I am so sorry that I come off like a desperate, needy teenager that can't get this breakup through his head. But I really am trying, and all of you and my support system IRL have helped so much. I can never thank you enough. I will continue updating. I'm sure sometimes I will be a wreck when I do, but here is to more positive ones in the future.

 

I'm really proud of you kjrrg!

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing, even though I know it must have been devastatingly diificult. You have shown determination, strength and discipline - well done!!!

 

When you said in a previous post that you wake up each day and it feels like you are back at square one again...don't worry - this is quite normal in the early stages - you'll see the same thing all over these forums. You've really fallen for her and it will take several weeks of discipline and strength to feel even a slight improvement...and months to feel significantly better.

 

Take the pain for now, be strong, stick to it and know that it is inevitable that you will eventually feel better - biology will do it for you - you brain will re-wire itself and get your hormones in order! You just have to stick to it now and now give in to temptation and weak moments.

 

Small steps...and the occassional giant leap (like you've taken today) and you will be back to your old self again ready to take on the world and find genuine happinness!

 

You latest post really put a smile on my face - I can't stress enough how impressed I am and how proud I am of you.

 

You removing her as a Skype contact will likely have had a double effect on her - a certain amount of relief (she probably felt under pressure)...but also undoubtedly a tinge of panic/sadness and a big blow to her ego and a feeling that she is not in control of you. YOU took the control back!

 

Keep it up and keep posting!

Edited May 22, 2017 by jenkins95

[freengreen]

Yay!... love yourself more everyday . Love others who keep you close to their heart.. Love strangers who desperately need help( its a very good feeling that my epiphany led me to). You are capable of love and we saw it here. Dont let anything or anyone pull you back from this point.

 

Dont throw away love, use it. Keep posting!

[Kjrrg]

Thank you Jenkins and freengreen.

 

Getting tempted to add her back to Skype. But I should not. I guess I'm still holding out hope that they won't work out and she will come back to me. More fantasies, ay? And if they don't I want her to know how to contact me...even though I know she does. And if she wanted me she would be here already.

 

Just more rambling. There is no answer you can give me except to **** off about her already. Lord I'm trying.

 

Edit: I did delete her phone number. I have no traces of her left. But I can find her again on Skype. That is all I have left...

Edited May 22, 2017 by Kjrrg

[bluefeather]

Stop, stop, stop reaching out to her. Don't do it. You will lose your job and get a restraining order put on you. The problem's no longer this girl who broke your heart. The problem is this boy who wants to be around someone who hurts him. Who after she leaves him, he still says, "Oh baby, come back any time. I'll be waiting for round 2." You masochistic? It's not romantic. It's pathetic, so cut it out.

 

^^^ All love, buddy. Get through that crap.

[Kjrrg]

You're right. It is pathetic. I will stop.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Thank you Jenkins and freengreen.

 

Getting tempted to add her back to Skype. But I should not. I guess I'm still holding out hope that they won't work out and she will come back to me. More fantasies, ay? And if they don't I want her to know how to contact me...even though I know she does. And if she wanted me she would be here already.

 

Just more rambling. There is no answer you can give me except to **** off about her already. Lord I'm trying.

 

Edit: I did delete her phone number. I have no traces of her left. But I can find her again on Skype. That is all I have left...

 

These are the hardest days. It gets easier.

[Kjrrg]

When? Why are mornings always the worst? I can't go back to sleep. All I want is her, back to what we had. Even if it was dirty and wrong. I miss her so ****ing much. I am trying to stay strong but there is a giant hole inside of me.

[jenkins95]

When? Why are mornings always the worst? I can't go back to sleep. All I want is her, back to what we had. Even if it was dirty and wrong. I miss her so ****ing much. I am trying to stay strong but there is a giant hole inside of me.

 

It's ok (((kjrrg))). This is normal.

 

I've been through heartbreaking breakups and have also suffered bouts of depression. During these times, mornings were​ always worst. You wake up feeling rock bottom, fight on through the day and maybe feel a little better​ by evening. The next morning...... Groundhog day.

 

I know this may not help much, except to illustrate that it is totally normal. It's how our brains work - some kind of reset magic must go on while we sleep. Shame we can't flick a switch to turn it off. We have to heal our minds the hard way - no shortcuts available unfortunately.

 

Also know that it DOES get better. You've got to be strong and determined, take the pain for now and have faith that you will recover.

 

I know all this stinks. Know that we are with you and that many of us have experienced similar pain to you and to some extent have got through it.

 

You will be ok. Keep the posts coming. I'm thinking of you.

Edited May 23, 2017 by jenkins95

[freengreen]

You know what, this reeling i had from my affair of 8 months lasted for more than 8 months in total.

 

It was an EA, not even a PA but lord the pain teared me apart, there was only one friend i could possibily talk and after a while she was "oh please not again, you are a grown woman"... alone, in pain, in guilt, the shame, the routine house hold.... I paid a HUGE price for being in an affair which was pain in itself for most of the time. Go figure!. I physically lost weight, got into underweight, people asking me " gosh, have you got your bloods done?"... They thiught it was cancer, well it was cancer in my mind.

 

Then I thought, eff this, if I am going to die tommorow, I aint gonna die a fool crying over someone who couldnt care less or as someone who dosnt value real realtionships. I was and I am a practical biatch and I will be again.

 

I moped, I cried, I screamed, but I found myself again after each sob. In one way it sucked, in a way it dint.

 

Stick to being you... you will find yourself again through the fog.

[jenkins95]

You know what, this reeling i had from my affair of 8 months lasted for more than 8 months in total.

 

It was an EA, not even a PA but lord the pain teared me apart, there was only one friend i could possibily talk and after a while she was "oh please not again, you are a grown woman"... alone, in pain, in guilt, the shame, the routine house hold.... I paid a HUGE price for being in an affair which was pain in itself for most of the time. Go figure!. I physically lost weight, got into underweight, people asking me " gosh, have you got your bloods done?"... They thiught it was cancer, well it was cancer in my mind.

 

Then I thought, eff this, if I am going to die tommorow, I aint gonna die a fool crying over someone who couldnt care less or as someone who dosnt value real realtionships. I was and I am a practical biatch and I will be again.

 

I moped, I cried, I screamed, but I found myself again after each sob. In one way it sucked, in a way it dint.

 

Stick to being you... you will find yourself again through the fog.

 

Good for you freengreen. I'm so proud of you - you got there girl, and I'm sure you went to hell and back.... But you stuck at it!

 

This girl is a great role model for you kjrrg. She had pain on the same level as yours...... and look at her now, feel the strength and recovery in her posts. She may not be 100% there yet, but boy what strides she has made.

 

You can too. You HAVE to. Give yourself time to recover. You WILL get there.