It IS finally over. But now what?

[freengreen]

Hang in there... that is the one and only rule. Dont give in and message, find another non destructive addiction ( travel, movies, tennis.. anything)

[FoundMyStrength]

I'm with freengreen on this one. The ways you can cope with this and fill your time are so varied. Vacations, therapy, friends, family, activities, new hobbies.

 

But the most important thing is to not reach out to her. Think of it like this. Every day you stay away, you're building your strength. Building your willpower. If you message her, it may not go down to zero, but it will take a huge hit.

 

I messaged xMM once at 4 months NC with a neutral response back. It set me back weeks and weeks. Back to obsessively checking social media, unblocking sites, hoping, wishing, waiting, wanting. It was self torture.

 

Don't do that and let time do its wonderful work. Seriously, though. This time thing is great. Kudos to time.

[freengreen]

I'm with freengreen on this one. The ways you can cope with this and fill your time are so varied. Vacations, therapy, friends, family, activities, new hobbies.

 

But the most important thing is to not reach out to her. Think of it like this. Every day you stay away, you're building your strength. Building your willpower. If you message her, it may not go down to zero, but it will take a huge hit.

 

I messaged xMM once at 4 months NC with a neutral response back. It set me back weeks and weeks. Back to obsessively checking social media, unblocking sites, hoping, wishing, waiting, wanting. It was self torture.

 

Don't do that and let time do its wonderful work. Seriously, though. This time thing is great. Kudos to time.

^ exactly.....

[Kjrrg]

I have been deathly ill for about a week. I am NEVER sick like this. I caught it from my brother, as did everyone else, but they are over it already. I am not. I think my anguish involving xmw has exacerbated it.

 

I am depressed about her, I am sick, I have no job at the moment...this all really ****ed my life up. For now, anyway.

 

NOBODY SHOULD EVER GET INVOLVED IN AN A. EVER. It is purely pain in the end. I wish I could warn EVERYBODY involved in one right now. He/she will not leave their BS. Ever.

 

I haven't cried over her in a few days despite my illness. I suppose that is progress. But I still miss her as much as I did on day one.

[FoundMyStrength]

I'm so sorry you're ill. Affairs create an unimaginable amount of stress, especially when they end. It makes sense that would take a toll on your body.

 

I second your sentiment. Except for those months or years of the "high", affairs do nothing but cause pain. I can't describe how much it f*cked up various parts of my life. As I told a friend the other day, it's not that I don't want contact with xMM. At this point, I wish I'd never met him.

 

You'll get there too. You're in the early days still. Just know that it will feel better. I can't promise when, but it will.

[freengreen]

Although it feels that you might be stagnant, I ( and I am sure everyone of us who were here through out) can see you going through phases that usually take place. Takecare, pop medicines and relax in ways you can...

 

It is going to get better, I promise. By now you seem to know how soul cruching it is to go back into it again?.. dont worry, you will get there too. I am at a point where I would not take him back but I do get reminded of him and feel sad, I wish all this never started because these memories are not a pleasure to keep at the same time, they are hard to get rid off... but like FoundMy Strength said, I am letting time work for me. We all are on the same road, just at different spots...

 

Hope you get better.

[Kjrrg]

Thanks guys. I am not any better. I had to go grab antibiotics from the doctor...it's been 9 days and I am still just as ill.

 

I did cry over her again, yesterday. For quite a while. I just keep holding on to the hope that she will be back someday....

 

She probably won't.

 

I am at rock bottom

[Kjrrg]

How do you let go of the hope that something will change? I have heard stories of things changing in 6 months, a year...how do I just forget about that and move on when it's a possibility? I guess I have an issue with obsession but it's seriously all I think about. Maybe one day, maybe one day...

 

How do you do it?

[Crazelnut]

Dude, I think it's time for you to stop with all the drama. You're doing this to yourself. You had a TWO month affair with a married woman who cares more for herself than she does for you. This was not some great tragic love story. A lying, cheating married woman noticed an insecure, inexperienced younger man at work, flattered his delicate ego, banged him in the car for a few weeks until she got caught. It gave her a thrill and made her feel good. But when she got caught. She chose her family. Meanwhile, you're ruining your life over a woman who doesn't care enough to be with you.

 

See it for what it was, and you may find it easier to get over.

 

Oh, and you need IC. Seriously. You do need help with the obsessive thought patterns.

Edited June 7, 2017 by Crazelnut

[Kjrrg]

Ouch. It hurts to think that but...yeah, you're probably right. I just never thought I'd get used by someone. Wow. In part because I never thought I'd be someone that someone else would want that from and partly because...how do you do that to someone? And then call it love? Yuck.

 

Really wish I hadn't turned my life upside down because of it. But it is what it is.

 

I have a counseling session on the 20th.

[freengreen]

You dont hope for things you dont want... so you got the clue?

 

You can realte my story:

 

5 months after A started, all things nasty had creeped in ( playing, push pull, demanding etc).. I dint want to give up the addiction. One fine day, he stops responding... after 7 consecutive messages not replied, I was forced into NC. Every single day I hoped he came back... He did. After 5 months. I was waiting!, took him back in a sec.

 

Rinse repeat and effing mind mince.

 

This time again 4 months passed, the guilt was killing me, the pain was enormous, I was standing at the end of the cliff to take the plunge and d day happened. I jumped. I told him its over and wished him luck. Although it was easy to say goodbye, but heart got a shock, my mind freaked out... It took time taming my heart and my brain

 

10 months NC... now I dont want him back again, its not about him, its about the pain and fraud feeling the A causes. I aint hoping, I am free. Even if he comes back crying, I will console him, calm him down for few hpurs and will leave. In peace.

 

Its tough but try to get to that point where you no longer want her back... hope will follow her.

[FoundMyStrength]

How do you let go of the hope that something will change? I have heard stories of things changing in 6 months, a year...how do I just forget about that and move on when it's a possibility? I guess I have an issue with obsession but it's seriously all I think about. Maybe one day, maybe one day...

 

How do you do it?

 

I'll tell you exactly when and why I gave up hope. It was a couple months after my attempt to reach out 4 mos into NC. I basically sent a brief text saying, hey, wonder how you are, would still be interested in friendship, hope you're well. He replied with a non-committal, wonder how you are too, not ready to talk, glad to know you're open to it.

 

Two months later, after fighting this final glimmer of hope, I realized his reply was actually just more MM avoidance. He just couldn't bring himself to tell me to bugger off and not contact him again. Coward.

 

Point is, I think you lose hope when you finally realize you're just an emotional toy to them. Someone to feed their ego with texts, to keep in their back pocket in case they get unhappy again. They don't even need to hear from you. Just the idea of you still loving them keeps them going. It will be a while, I imagine, but one day you'll get there. To the point where the thought of hearing from xMW makes you roll your eyes because you see through to her true self and find it a sad, one-act sh*tshow.

[freengreen]

I'll tell you exactly when and why I gave up hope. It was a couple months after my attempt to reach out 4 mos into NC. I basically sent a brief text saying, hey, wonder how you are, would still be interested in friendship, hope you're well. He replied with a non-committal, wonder how you are too, not ready to talk, glad to know you're open to it.

 

Two months later, after fighting this final glimmer of hope, I realized his reply was actually just more MM avoidance. He just couldn't bring himself to tell me to bugger off and not contact him again. Coward.

 

Point is, I think you lose hope when you finally realize you're just an emotional toy to them. Someone to feed their ego with texts, to keep in their back pocket in case they get unhappy again. They don't even need to hear from you. Just the idea of you still loving them keeps them going. It will be a while, I imagine, but one day you'll get there. To the point where the thought of hearing from xMW makes you roll your eyes because you see through to her true self and find it a sad, one-act sh*tshow.

hugs Foundmystength... how callous of him.. and how strong of you to pull yourself to this point .

[FoundMyStrength]

hugs Foundmystength... how callous of him.. and how strong of you to pull yourself to this point .

 

Thanks freengreen, hugs to you as well. At the time, all I felt was hope, it took me a long time to see it as you described: callous. But it is, isn't it? And selfish. As with everything in the affair, he wanted to set the terms. Not ready yet. Maybe later. Won't say when. Just wait.

 

Kjrrg, didn't mean to t/j with my post. One point I was trying to make is that losing hope is very individual. It depends on what you're hoping for. At the time I texted xMM, I was no longer caught up in the romance. But I valued him as a kind person, a good friend. And I was going through something in my life where a good friend would have been nice. His non response broke my heart on an entirely different level. Like realizing, wow, this person who professed his love to me daily for months can't take 5 minutes from his day to catch up and find out if I'm okay or not okay, doing well or not. And his wife never knew so no outside factor. He just didn't care. Well, f*ck him then. That's what caused me to lose hope.

[freengreen]

If you t/j then let me jack it a little more, its still helping OP in a way ( cheeky me).

 

Exactly what you said, Found my strength, when they shatter their own image that we built for them, the fantasy and the hope shatters with it.

 

I believed he was my friend , I truly believed him to be a good person, a good friend. I gave him 10/10 on face value. He himself brought it down. To a point where I don't believe that he was as noble as I thought. I wasn't all noble either but... one thing, I never acted or faked. Now I doubt he did act.. well it shouldn't matter now, its done.If he has found another 'sparkle'... its her issue now. If not, good for everyone. I have realized that disliking him is also thinking about him... I am working to be just neutral and unaffected.. lets see.

 

Goodluck to both of us and OP and most of us here . Krrj, I am sure around some time shortly, an incident or an epiphany will do the trick for you.

Edited June 8, 2017 by freengreen

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Thanks freengreen, hugs to you as well. At the time, all I felt was hope, it took me a long time to see it as you described: callous. But it is, isn't it? And selfish. As with everything in the affair, he wanted to set the terms. Not ready yet. Maybe later. Won't say when. Just wait.

 

Kjrrg, didn't mean to t/j with my post. One point I was trying to make is that losing hope is very individual. It depends on what you're hoping for. At the time I texted xMM, I was no longer caught up in the romance. But I valued him as a kind person, a good friend. And I was going through something in my life where a good friend would have been nice. His non response broke my heart on an entirely different level. Like realizing, wow, this person who professed his love to me daily for months can't take 5 minutes from his day to catch up and find out if I'm okay or not okay, doing well or not. And his wife never knew so no outside factor. He just didn't care. Well, f*ck him then. That's what caused me to lose hope.

 

Again your reality mirrors my own! THIS^^^^ crushed me more than all the pain aggregated during the A ever could. Still painful 8 months later...to the point I just asked my dr for AD. smh. **sigh** Sorry for tj Kjrrg, and I am sooooo glad you are going to start IC. That will help!

[Kjrrg]

I had sort of an epiphany in the past couple of days as my sickness has finally begun to relent as well. It has been three weeks since I have heard anything from xMW. Each day that passes without any word, the less I am starting to care.

 

I still miss her tremendously. I am still very, very sad. But I am no longer going to look toward her dormant facebook page for signs of life. I am not looking at the few pictures that I did manage to recover after deleting every ****ing thing. Yes, pathetically I did this. I did keep a few but I made sure that I can't do it ever again by completely shredding the rest of the files. I just wanted a few to look back on in a more positive light once I am recovered, or on the way.

 

Anyway, I am working hard right now to, every time I wonder what she is doing, tell myself that I don't give a ****, because she doesn't give a ****. I am no longer going to invest so much time and energy into caring about her when she stopped a long time ago. She does not care. Not enough. And I am starting not to either.

 

You were all right. It took this entire thread, multiple conversations with people IRL, literally probably hundreds of hours of googling both inside of this forum and out of it for the past month and a half for all of this to finally start sinking in. And you know what? It's still going to take a long, long time before I get over it. But I think I am finally on the way, and it isn't a false start this time. I am genuinely angry at her, and embarrassed at how I acted. Which, by the way, I would hate to do so but is there a way to delete this thread?! Because man some of the things I say in it are truly cringeworthy. But that's how I felt at the time.

 

I still mourn the loss of what her and I had, but probably more so what I thought we would have in the future. But that was never real anyway. Like I said it's going to take a long time to get over her, and it's going to take a long time to get my life back on track. But it's either do that or lay down and die which hey it does sound appealing sometimes, but I don't think I'm going to let it end up like that. Not anymore.

 

Thank you all so much for dealing with my nonsense. All of you were just as much of a help as anyone in person, or any resource I found online. I still have IC to attend...but maybe I won't need to after this. Don't want to jump the gun here but I truly am starting to feel much differently about the situation. While I haven't truly given up hope that one day I can speak to her again, the longer I go without it the more I think I'll be able to live without it. It stings to even think that but the fog is starting to lift. I just have to keep moving forward.

 

Again, thank all of you so, so much. I don't think you'll be hearing any more from me about this situation unless it's another update about how I'm doing even better(I hope). So if this thread needs to be locked...it can be, I guess. So at the very least the amount of embarrassing things that I said can be further buried on the forum!

[BTDT2012]

Glad you are feeling better mentally and physically.

[lostgirl87]

Haha. I totally get wanting the thread to be deleted b/c you don't like how silly you sounded. Been there!! Lol. But it can also be good for us: we can see how bad off we were and is motivation to never go backwards!

 

I'm so glad you're feeling better! I know you were having a very difficult time and I've been there. A lot of us have.

 

I wanted to comment on the part where you mentioned you haven't given up hope that y'all will speak again. I wouldn't feel badly about that. Some of us need that "hope" to get through. I know I do. When I think that I'll NEVER speak or see my MM again for the rest of my life, it's too overwhelming. That type of thinking actually makes me want to reach out to him which is obviously the opposite of what I need to be doing. Instead, I tell myself "one day y'all may speak again but right now is not the time" and that helps me. It gets me through one more day of not reaching out or hearing from him. Do what you need to do to get through each day, one day at a time, one hour at a time. I'm sure as time goes on and we don't speak or reach out to our MM or MW we won't even care if we ever see or talk to them again. But right now, we aren't there and that's ok!

 

You're doing great!

 

One day at a time...

[bluefeather]

You can try alerting the moderators to see if they will help with what you want, but if this thread gets deleted, it will be like forgetting, and if you need to come back for more help, you won't have the words that helped you in the past anymore, and people won't know your story.

[freengreen]

All the best, seems you are getting there, now that you hit the 'big cringe' milestone.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I couldn't even read this whole post before I felt the urge to reply/ I hope this helps you, if not today, then at some point in the next few days/weeks/months. So if I may, dear Kjrrg...

 

I had sort of an epiphany in the past couple of days as my sickness has finally begun to relent as well. It has been three weeks since I have heard anything from xMW. Each day that passes without any word, the less I am starting to care.

 

Good that you are having moments of seeing the sun's rays through the clouds. Just a warning (sorry to be a Debbie Downer), but even when you feel better there will be times you feel like **** again. Weird how it comes in waves. Sometimes just when you think, "Ahh, I'm finally starting to feel good again. The world is beautiful again." Wham! Emotional demon kicks you in the gut! I'm telling you this so you don't think you've regressed in your healing when it happens. Rather, I think it's like your mind gives you what you can handle and heal for a period, then gives you a break, then more starts coming up. Additionally, here's the thing I'm beginning to believe and perhaps you will see it this way in time: the pain you are feeling right now has less to do with xMW and more to do with stuff from your past. It's just that xMW hooked into that emotional sludge that's buried inside you and when she pulled out, it stirred it all up within you. Analogy is like when a boat anchor is pulled up from the sea floor, it stirs the mud and clouds the water (also note the analogy to an un-anchored boat drifting, which is also what we are experiencing--lack of grounding). So either you wait time until the muck settles back to the sea floor, or you address it, clear it, and let it float away never to return. The latter is hella hard but it's what I'm choosing to do, because 1) there's no flipping way I want to ever go through this **** again, and 2) my quality of life, love, and people I attract will be way better if I clear it.

 

I still miss her tremendously. I am still very, very sad. But I am no longer going to look toward her dormant facebook page for signs of life. I am not looking at the few pictures that I did manage to recover after deleting every ****ing thing. Yes, pathetically I did this. I did keep a few but I made sure that I can't do it ever again by completely shredding the rest of the files. I just wanted a few to look back on in a more positive light once I am recovered, or on the way.

 

I know ppl say the best NC is to throw out everything, but I disagree. It was too drastic for me. It's ok to hang on to some of this stuff until one day you no longer care and you won't want it anymore. For example, one of the best things for me that has come from hanging onto xMM's emails is that I have a clearer more accurate depiction of the history as time goes on. Sometimes I feel super angry and victimized, like I never had a voice. But then I re-read some of those emails and I realize the role I played and how I actually did speak up sometimes, and how there were times he said beautiful things that he meant in the moment (rather than remembering him as 100%

callous, cold, insensitive, selfish jerk the entire time). Maybe you will get the same benefit so keep them out of sight, but don't discard until you are ready.

 

Anyway, I am working hard right now to, every time I wonder what she is doing, tell myself that I don't give a ****, because she doesn't give a ****. I am no longer going to invest so much time and energy into caring about her when she stopped a long time ago. She does not care. Not enough. And I am starting not to either.

 

Here comes the sunshine!

 

You were all right. It took this entire thread, multiple conversations with people IRL, literally probably hundreds of hours of googling both inside of this forum and out of it for the past month and a half for all of this to finally start sinking in. And you know what? It's still going to take a long, long time before I get over it. But I think I am finally on the way, and it isn't a false start this time. I am genuinely angry at her, and embarrassed at how I acted. Which, by the way, I would hate to do so but is there a way to delete this thread?! Because man some of the things I say in it are truly cringeworthy. But that's how I felt at the time.

 

Again, don't be so harsh on yourself. Stop judging yourself so harshly.

If you were capable of different at the time, you would have done differently. Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished and focus on that. At the very least, focusing on what you are accomplishing will help you rebuild your self-esteem while focusing on the opposite will keep you crushed, dis-empowered, and wallowing. Do not delete anything even if you could because some day in the not too distant future you will be able to look back at what you've written with pride at seeing how far you've come! Even now that you see it as cringeworthy shows you how much progress you've made in these few weeks. That's valuable.

 

I still mourn the loss of what her and I had, but probably more so what I thought we would have in the future. But that was never real anyway. Like I said it's going to take a long time to get over her, and it's going to take a long time to get my life back on track. But it's either do that or lay down and die which hey it does sound appealing sometimes, but I don't think I'm going to let it end up like that. Not anymore.

 

I'm really sad that you gave up your job, but you can't let this cost you anymore. There comes a point when you have to decide if you are going to eat or be eaten. The sooner you decide you will eat the less you will have to recover. How much more are you willing to lose for this until you take a stand for yourself emotionally?

 

Thank you all so much for dealing with my nonsense. All of you were just as much of a help as anyone in person, or any resource I found online. I still have IC to attend...but maybe I won't need to after this. Don't want to jump the gun here but I truly am starting to feel much differently about the situation. While I haven't truly given up hope that one day I can speak to her again, the longer I go without it the more I think I'll be able to live without it. It stings to even think that but the fog is starting to lift. I just have to keep moving forward.

 

Here you are judging yourself again. And don't be so quick to dismiss IC!

You have a golden opportunity here with that. Bear in mind you will need a few sessions before you start to see benefits.

 

Again, thank all of you so, so much. I don't think you'll be hearing any more from me about this situation unless it's another update about how I'm doing even better(I hope). So if this thread needs to be locked...it can be, I guess. So at the very least the amount of embarrassing things that I said can be further buried on the forum!

 

Keep an open mind. Your thread is an awesome tool to help you step up and out of this so hold your horses on closing it! Stop being embarrassed and judgmental of yourself. At least you had the b***s to put yourself out there! Weaker people would not, could not! And don't forget how many people feel like you, don't have the courage to start their own thread, but benefit so much by reading yours. Always wishing you the best!!!

[Kjrrg]

Thank you very much, HadMe. The thread can stay up. And I will try to stop beating myself up. It's what I do best!

 

Yes it cost me my job, even school for a bit. But I will get it all back. It's going to take so much work. But I don't have any other choice. I am going to do my best. We will see if it is good enough, on my own, for once.

[Kjrrg]

I am still sick. 16 days now. And I woke up feeling horrible. So physically screwed up, sad, lonely and desperate...I broke after quite a few days and checked up on her fbook. She now works close to where I live. In fact, she works right down the road from my doctor's office, where I was today.

 

It's true. Ignorance is bliss. I just set myself back quite a bit. But it is what it is. Got too cocky about being over it, I guess. Life is so ridiculous sometimes. We live in different towns/suburbs, (about 25-30 minutes away from each other...her previous commute to our job was about one minute) but now she comes to mine for work, somewhere she has rarely ventured to before. Now she is so close...I never should have looked. How did it work out like this? Of COURSE her new job is near me. Of course it is.

[FoundMyStrength]

Kjrrg, I'm so sorry to hear you're still in such a terrible place. Keep doing all the good things you've been doing to heal, and hang in there!

 

You're right, checking social media seems to always set you back in one way or another. In this case, I'd be concerned about your xMW's long term plans. It's suspicious to me that she's ended up in your town. If she's really committed to reconciliation, she'd have told her BH that this job is near you and I bet he would've nixed it.

 

Just keep strong, bc this may mean she has plans to restart once the dust settles. As others will tell you, restarting is never the same. The MW/MM never comes back with the same verve, excitement, caring. It becomes a more restricted, more controlled, and more painful experience. If you thought *this* was bad, just wait until she decides to call you up for a visit. Keep strong. You've gotten this far, don't get sucked back in!