anyone, anyone

[allwaysdreaming]

Hi, new here but need some advise, perspective or just a kick in the ass. I have been married for 11 years and have two children under ten. I am a surgeon in a small office and my nurse initiated an affair with me 4 mos. ago. I was reluctant at first but gave in to her advances. She is 25 years younger than myself. My marriage was and is stagnant at best. My wife an I have not had sex in over 6 mos, she has absolutely no interest anymore. Our anniversaries are not even celebrated anymore. I am a very romantic person and I tried to reignite the fire, but she did not respond. Anyway, the affair has recently become derailed because of something I said. I told her that I would like to get a divorce so we could be together. She told me that she did not want to break up a family. I explained that the problems were there before her and that she is not breaking up the family. Unfortunately, I have fallen in love with this woman and she claims the same thing. I get so many mixed views from her though, it leaves me banging my head against a wall. She will say :she loves me more than anything", being with me is the best thing that has ever happened to her, she wants to be with me everyday, etc. etc. But if I bring upi being together she says she :"doesn;t want to hurt me", "she needs to be alone". WTF! I just cant figure it out. I told her my wife and I have had discussions about a seperation and we have. But its as if my mistress wants me to stay married and just have the affair? I just do not know what to do. We obviously work together 5 days a week and it is torture. I try not to even look at her, since it brings my emotions into play. I am a ****ing mess, will somebody just tell me how to deal with this daily mess. I appreciate any feedback, no matter how harsh or compassionate.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, your mistress is making it clear she doesn't see a future with you. You're fun to have an illicit romance with, but she doesn't want more. Think about this from her point of view: you're not a good husband, given your ability to cheat and lie. She doesn't see relationship potential with you.

 

Also, your age gap is significant. It's not really an issue when it's just fun and sex, but it is relevant to the matter of an actual relationship. She is too young for you and in a different life stage.

 

You're going to need to cut this affair off. It will come to an end sooner or later anyway, either when your wife finds out or when your mistress meets someone else and loses interest in you.

 

What is holding you back from initiating divorce proceedings if your marriage is this bad?

[Darren Steez]

my nurse initiated an affair with me

 

Strange word initiate, like she pressed a button and it started all of a sudden but mainly the statement put the blame on her for starting this..and of course you were powerless to stop it because..

 

I was reluctant at first but gave in to her advances.

Your resistance was admirable but in the face of such a powerful onslaught how could you not cave in..especially since..

 

She is 25 years younger than myself.

Quite a stud you are there fella but..

 

My marriage was and is stagnant at best. My wife an I have not had sex in over 6 mos

 

But wait you said..

 

my nurse initiated an affair with me 4 mos. ago.

 

 

Which means by the time this predatory nurse was all over you you hadn't had sex in two months..

 

Unfortunately, I have fallen in love with this woman and she claims the same thing

 

After only four months? I thought you resisted her so bravely, that's quite a collapse dude..

 

it leaves me banging my head against a wall.

 

You're a surgeon, surely you know that's no good for your brain, you're opening yourself up to severe brain trauma..

 

WTF! I just cant figure it out

me neither..

 

We obviously work together 5 days a week and it is torture. I try not to even look at her, since it brings my emotions into play.

 

You're a surgeon in a small office surely you have to look at your nurse when you should "Hand me the scapel!!" during small office surgery, surely closing your eyes trying not to look at the nurse while your emotions are all over the place is dangerous for patient safety?

 

Look fella I'll be quite honest, I worry for the patients in your small office surgery because frankly your head is not in the game, besides the fact the surgery should be a sterile environment and you and your nurse might have been getting up to some naughtiness in there.

 

You need to fire her because your wife might find out and if you lose your business due to misconduct where else is a surgeon from a small office going to go?

Edited August 5, 2017 by Darren Steez

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

You need to fire her because your wife might find out and if you lose your business due to misconduct where else is a surgeon from a small office going to go?

 

Well, unless he wants to be sued for sexual harassment now that he's banged the hot nurse, I don't think he should fired her.

 

But, OP, this woman is smart enough to look into the crystal ball and see how life with you would actually be if you left your wife and small children for her. She'll have to be part of the guaranteed drama from a jilted spouse, custody and/or child support battles, shared custody, and a grumpy lover who frequently gets pissed off about all of the drama that is now in his life.

 

It's way easier for her just to f&*k while she looks for someone her own age and in her own life circumstance. You have way too much baggage.

[d0nnivain]

Your wife checked out of your marriage emotionally & you have now checked out physically so just take an afternoon & consult with a divorce attorney. If your wife put you through med school you have a lot at risk; she could be entitled to half your practice.

 

Get divorced & go find somebody else to be romantic with who appreciates that side of you. If your AP nurse comes back fine, date her. Otherwise move along.

 

But do put first things first & get divorced.

 

When you are at that lawyers' office find out how you are going to protect yourself from a sexual harassment lawsuit by that nurse. You slept with an employee. If you ever try to fire her or discipline her she is going to scream that you are retaliating against her for declining your request to continue dating after your divorce & then she is going to get the other half of your practice that your wife didn't take in the divorce.

 

Your "romantic side" has really put you in a bind.

Edited August 5, 2017 by d0nnivain

[preraph]

Your nurse doesn't want to be with you. She just wants the affair with no strings attached. She is likely dating other men, OR she truly doesn't like a domestic situation. I myself don't like a domestic situation, so I understand that. Most women do, but not all. She probably doesn't want all the weight of an extended family and household duties, etc.

 

My best advice to you is not to press it or you'll only get cheated on by her. As I said, she is likely seeing others. I mean, a lot of women willing to sleep with a married man are very likely open to sleeping with more than one man or other married men as well. I am not condemning it because sometimes crap happens, but also I have heard about a couple of women in my own sphere who would actively seek out married or taken guys and tell them no strings and it was too tempting for most guys to turn down because it's rare enough. They like attention and probably like the validation of feeling attractive but probably are not cut out to settle down. So this is her lifestyle.

Also, she is only 25. Her brain is only just now fully formed. Your maturity levels are disparate. She is nowhere near ready to settle down, if ever she will be.

 

Don't divorce to be with her, because she doesn't want to "be" with you no matter if she really cares for you or not. Divorce if you feel there is no value left in your marriage. And try to remember there's more than sex to a marriage. Good luck.

Edited August 5, 2017 by preraph

[RecentChange]

You are 25 years older. A cheater with two young children, and a soon to be ex wife.

 

And you are surprised she doesn't want to play house with you?

 

She likes the attention you give her. The sex. The high emotions an illicit, behind closed doors affair brings.

 

Maybe she wouldn't want her family to know she is banging a 25 year older married man with young children. Her friends and family might not exactly praise her for that.

 

I doubt she wants to be step mom to your children, nor be changing your diapers in old age.

 

25 years is a big gap. What's the ages here? 30 and 55?

[MountainGirl111]

Okay, so, there are a few problems here with your situation. Banging someone you work with; someone who is supposed to subordinate to you. She could accuse you of sexual harrassment, even if the affair is by 'mutual' consent. She could change her tune if she is backed against the wall. (no pun intended).

 

She says she doesn't want to break up a family....but c'mon, how lame is that? She has already broken up your family, but you consented for that to happen.

 

You really need to divorce your wife ... but seem reluctant to do so...why? Because, well, it's a huge hassle and stressful, even if the marriage is dead...it's just a lot of legal and emotional stuff to go through and with kids involved...need I say more?

 

Another thing, affairs with people you work with are just not good. Period. It can truly distract you from your work and you need to be focusing on your patients. Not saying you have totally lost that focus...but surely you've lost some of that focus. You don't come across as being too concerned how this affair impacts your job.

 

She is young and doesn't want to be with you for the long haul...that's what I'm hearing. You appeal to her for a number of reasons: Forbidden fruit, prestige. She is "f*ck*ng "up". Your station in life is higher than hers. So, she probably gets a thrill out of it. But, she doesn't want to commit. So, I guess I do give her credit for not being a gold digger. Cuz, in reality, some younger women go for the money. But, who knows, maybe she could be bluffing and saying she won't commit to you because she knows you may press harder to be with her. It's a game some people play. Funny how it works sometimes....they will portray themselves as being the opposite of what they really secretly want. Then again, she may think you will treat her with favoritism at work if she has sex with you....

 

LOTS of reasons people have affairs, and I don't judge you or her for it, but having a relationship with someone you work with is just not a good idea, no matter the circumstances.

 

Last but not least, if your wife finds out...not only may she divorce you, but she could go for the jugular in divorce proceedings. Good luck, whatever you decide. You're going to need it. You COULD choose to stay in your marriage and see if it can be revived. Do you still love your wife? If so, there are ways to help a 'stagnant' marriage. Is it worth it to try and save your marriage? Only you know the answer to that. Maybe your wife is having an affair....ever thought about that? Maybe that's why no sex for six months. She could be banging someone else.

Edited August 5, 2017 by MountainGirl111

[elaine567]

I think you should stop the dreaming and get yourself back to your wife and kids ASAP and get back on solid ground before you lose it all.

I would not feel safe as your patient as your mind is elsewhere.

Get focussed.

 

YOUR kids need you - do the right thing.

[sandylee1]

What future could she have with you? You're old enough to be her father and thus old enough to be a grandfather to any children she'd have with you.

 

That's not what most women would want.

 

If your marriage is over, then get divorced and look for another woman to be in your life.

 

The nurse initiated an affair with you, knowing that you are married... That you're unavailable... She doesn't want you being available, because the sly moments suit her lifestyle right now.

 

I suspect her Mr. Right will be closer to her age and single.

[preraph]

You have to keep in mind that some young women sometimes get a thrill out of doing something clandestine and also get crushes on people in authority hoping some of that will rub off on them or for some other reason like abandonment issues.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You have to keep in mind that some young women sometimes get a thrill out of doing something clandestine and also get crushes on people in authority hoping some of that will rub off on them or for some other reason like abandonment issues.

 

Agree. There are myriad reasons (that don't involve actual love) why a young nurse would want to become involved with a successful doctor.

[Space Ritual]

Hi, new here but need some advise, perspective or just a kick in the ass. I have been married for 11 years and have two children under ten. I am a surgeon in a small office and my nurse initiated an affair with me 4 mos. ago. I was reluctant at first but gave in to her advances. She is 25 years younger than myself. My marriage was and is stagnant at best. My wife an I have not had sex in over 6 mos, she has absolutely no interest anymore. Our anniversaries are not even celebrated anymore. I am a very romantic person and I tried to reignite the fire, but she did not respond. Anyway, the affair has recently become derailed because of something I said. I told her that I would like to get a divorce so we could be together. She told me that she did not want to break up a family. I explained that the problems were there before her and that she is not breaking up the family. Unfortunately, I have fallen in love with this woman and she claims the same thing. I get so many mixed views from her though, it leaves me banging my head against a wall. She will say :she loves me more than anything", being with me is the best thing that has ever happened to her, she wants to be with me everyday, etc. etc. But if I bring upi being together she says she :"doesn;t want to hurt me", "she needs to be alone". WTF! I just cant figure it out. I told her my wife and I have had discussions about a seperation and we have. But its as if my mistress wants me to stay married and just have the affair? I just do not know what to do. We obviously work together 5 days a week and it is torture. I try not to even look at her, since it brings my emotions into play. I am a ****ing mess, will somebody just tell me how to deal with this daily mess. I appreciate any feedback, no matter how harsh or compassionate.

 

Give me a break, Doctor!

 

Your nurse didn't lead you into anything. YOU made your own decision.

 

Handle this mess by telling your wife so she has a chance to understand what type of lie she has been living the past spring and summer.

 

Giver her the respect she deserves by allowing her to make her own decision about the direction of her life. You lost that right to decide for her when you stuck your dick in your nurse.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how people who are book smart can be so street stupid.

 

Man up, tell your wife, get rid of your nurse and accept the fact that either way you are going to lose much much more than you ever hop to gain by this foolish dalliance.

 

If I was your wife once I found out I'd make sure you were practicing well into your 80's to pay off the huge monetary settlement she will get when she rightfully divorces you.

 

Harsh enough?

[Space Ritual]

You are 25 years older. A cheater with two young children, and a soon to be ex wife.

 

And you are surprised she doesn't want to play house with you?

 

She likes the attention you give her. The sex. The high emotions an illicit, behind closed doors affair brings.

 

Maybe she wouldn't want her family to know she is banging a 25 year older married man with young children. Her friends and family might not exactly praise her for that.

 

I doubt she wants to be step mom to your children, nor be changing your diapers in old age.

 

25 years is a big gap. What's the ages here? 30 and 55?

 

Exactly...

 

I myself date women well over 20 years my junior, however as opposed to the good doctor, my bedside manner knows well enough to keep it casual because eventually we run out of things to be mutually interested in. Plus there will always be another guy who will come along who is younger, better looking, and have more money and a bigger dick. It is just the way it is. I'm just happy to be able to date younger women on a physical level. lol. It is easy to get used to once a person realizes that these relationships are short lived and accept them for what they are.

[smackie9]

Get divorced anyways, and keep nurse Nancy out of it. She has no interest in your personal life and you would be very wise to not have her involved in anyway. If she decides to run let her. That would just give you the opportunity to get your life on track and find yourself a proper relationship.

 

This nurse Nancy is only in it for the thrill of being the woman a husband is nailing behind the wife's back...she gets off on it. That is what she is all about. You are a damn fool.